AnvilheadII

the only person you HAVE.....you have no other friends, acquaintances, family, counselors, or trusted adults?

you have convinced yourself that he is IT.

he is not. once you get away from the abusive maniac, and believe you are worth better treatment, your world will open up.

SparkleKitty

He is not the only person you have.

You have YOU. Time to be your own best friend. You can do this.

LYF7

Not really no.

Ok, So I ended up blocking his number. There's one thing that keeps sticking in my head that he's said " I want you around" he just wants me there for his own selfish reasons. Blah, no real love from his end.

Sucky reality check. Oh well gonna try, might be a lot of ranting in this thread.

Ariesagain

Rant on, we're here for you. This is never easy. But you really do seem to be one smart cookie and even more important, you see things for how they are, even though you obviously wish they were different.

Many people in this situation just can't get past the illusion to the reality...many lose years and years trying to will their qualifiers into who they wish they were.

Good for you.

Sending you a hug. Stay safe.

Spinner-007

Here's the acid test for you and all of us:

Let's pretend you have a daughter and she came to you and said she is in this exact situation that you are in now, and she asked:

'Mom, what should I do?'

What would you tell her?

Think honestly about it.

Then do exactly what you would tell her.

In case you have the 'but' in any of your responses, you're settling for abuse and it is NEVER okay to be abused.

Don't let it happen to your kids, and don't let it happen to you.

Delilah1

I'm so glad you came here and posted. Please end this now, the second he put his hands on you once was too much. Make sure to tell a family member or friend about what happened so they can be there to support you. You may also want to look into a restraining order.

Sending you lots of love and strength to get out of this.

❤Delilah

Bekindalways

Rant absolutely all you want LY. This kind of thing is super tough.

Hugs.

Delilah1

This just supports the reason to get out of this relationship. I hope you have ended things, and you're getting support from family and friends.

Delilah1

I ended up in an abusive relationship right after college. He started out being overly nice. Then he just wanted to spend time with me, and jealousy whenever I would talk to a friend, that became obsessive, and me no longer with friends, it then escalated to verbal, and then physical and sexual. The relationship lasted about a year, and the reason it didn't end sooner was because I was scared. He had threatened to hurt others that I loved if I left. I finally got out, but had to get a restraining order because he was showing up at my job, and also my house. I started sleeping at the opposite end of my bed because I was afraid he would try to shoot me in the middle of the night.

Over the years I have googled his name, and he has had several charges for assault. I do. It think I was the first person he was abusive with, and from the charges, I wasn't the last.

Please do not wait for him to escalate. Go to the police, get help from a Women's shelter, and get out.

❤Delilah

Berrybean

Sorry you're feeling so isolated that what he offers you seems like an option.

A big part of my own recovery has had to be about finding new activities and friends. Learning to like myself (a big part of that for me was understanding that I don't owe anybody anything - not pretty, not entertaining, not favours, not sex, not funny... Nothing! I did not need to BE things for other people. Just ME. And if me was a bit ordinary and substandard, then so what. Most people are!)

Many areas have volunteer centres where we can find out what is happening locally where volunteers are needed and I've found this a great way of getting involved in some fun local events (mostly one off events as work can be busy) and getting to know some great people. The kind of people who are givers, not takers. I didn't spot many people at those events who were being abusive either. It has helped my confidence and helped me to feel more a part of this community (I haven't lived here very long). I've also got involved in some diffrent evening groups. At the moment it's a slimming club and choir, but it's been different things as I've given things a go. Tap dancing, bell ringing, Alpha group, fitness classes, beginners running group, creative writing..... There's probably some other stuff I can't remember. There is likely to be plenty of better things you can do to make contact with people than hang around an abusive addict waiting to be hurt.

If you have a history of allowing yourself to be treated badly (as some of us who end up here do) then it might be worth investigating this with a counsellor. I found out that I have codependent tendencies. Since educating myself on this and working my new understanding into my recovery program I feel my less of a victim to life (I definitely felt that the world was against me before). I live in the same place, with the same job and the same family and same partner but my life on the inside seems completely different. I feel completely different. Life feels GOOD now. I have some faith in humanity and have found people who I love and who treat me with love and respect as well. Life can be amazing if we can find the willingness to lean into our fears and start to turn things around.

Wishing you all the best. BB

BoxinRotz

You taught him how to treat you. Every time he hit you and smashed your head into a wall, stabbed a wall, perhaps raped you, smacked you across your face, degraded you, stole from you, used you...

YOU ALLOWED IT.

I know that sounds harsh but we teach people how to treat us.

I work in a MAX 5 prison. Max 5 meaning we house death row inmates. Men who have killed their wives and girlfriends because they were dispensable. You think it won't happen? It does! Some of the cases I've read read just like yours.

seek

why do you need to know *why* he abuses you?

why are you not more curious about *why* you allow yourself to be abused? *why* it's okay with you?

I think you alluded to wondering if he "really likes you" or not . . . what difference does it make and if he said he "really, really likes you, " but also "really, really likes hitting you," is it then okay?

it seems like it's a self-esteem issue for you - that you want to know that he really likes you, but the drugs or alcohol MAKE him hit you (so it's not really him that's doing it and again, he "really likes you").

you should seek therapy and safety asap and work on finding out why this is acceptable to you. just my two cents . . .

PuzzledHeart

Let's make one thing clear. This Blame the Victim spiel gets very old very fast.

It's not as if LYF7 woke up her boyfriend and said, "OK, dear, time for Abuser 101 class. Today let's review Choking. There's going to be a quiz on it tomorrow."

It's just as ridiculous as saying children teach their caretakers to beat the crap out of them because they allow it. That I taught my nanny to abuse me because I let her poke needles into me. Or that my sister asked to be sexually abused by her cousin because she liked him. When you're in that moment, the only thing you want to do is survive. You just want to make it to the other side. You just want it to stop without losing the person you love, even if that person is the one abusing you.

This boyfriend went after LYF7 because she was vulnerable, NOT because she was asking for it. There's a difference. She doesn't have a support network. He probably sussed out that she had low self-esteem. He knew that she would make him feel more powerful, so he went for it.

It's like a thief who walks around the park looking for a victim - is he going to go after the policewoman with a gun or is he going to go after the 90 YO guy in a walker?

LYF has already blocked him. She posted on this board asking for help. She's ALREADY started to draw the line. Frankly I'm surprised and thrilled that she's taken so many steps already.

That said, LYF7, you can't rest on her laurels, and there's a lot of hard work ahead of you. It's been said before, this crap is NOT acceptable. It doesn't matter why he's doing it. If a thief pointed a gun at you, are you going to start worrying about what led him to commit armed robbery? Are you going to interview him about his motivations? No, you just get the hell out of there.

Next time, you'll be able to suss out the warning signs that much more quickly. You will have a highly tuned BS meter. And you may be able to help somebody else who is enduring the same thing.

FreeOwl

Leave him immediately and never go back.

Nonotme

I second what everyone is saying about getting away from him 100% and not looking back. Get the restraining order, work with a domestic violence support center to help you through this, keep posting here, and build up your life with people who don't abuse you. Change your locks, even move if needed. Get this person away from you.

You owe him nothing. He is not the right man for you. Get away and cut off all contact with him. No contact. You have nothing to talk about. You have the power to end the relationship right now -- end it!

Sending you prayers and hugs. You can do this.

Imagine your life two years from now and imagine the life you want, with safety and stability and friends.

It sounds like you are afraid of being alone, but it is better to be alone and safe than with someone who beats you. Take comfort in your safety. You will make new friends and become less lonely.

More hugs. You really can do this.

BoxinRotz

I had an old head tell me this exact same thing from this site back in 2014 after posting a HUGE thread about my husband's motorcycle accident while I was playing the victim and you know what?! I came back with your same response because I wasn't ready to hear it. I was my own victim. A victim of myself. And here I sit today, knowing that I taught him exactly how to treat me because I stayed. Because I believed him and his empty promises. I trusted him that he'd stop his nonsense. This particular instance in HER life has nothing to do with the safety of children because she never mentioned any and everything to do with how she/we let people treat her/us in her/our personal lives. When someone can accept their part of the responsibility and get over the sting of whoever delivered the truth (the truth hurts ya know), then and only then can we start helping ourselves and stop helping the abusers and qualifiers in our lives because You can't change anybody. I can't change anybody and She can't change anybody. You can only change yourself. Once that happens, then and only then, will one find peace knowing the they deserve to be safe, secure and happy in their own skin.

So lets be clear. You teach people how to treat you when you take their ******** every single day. I never said she asked for it. Slow down and try to comprehend the material before you try to skin someone.

maia1234

Lyf,
You say you have no support or friends. Hon, look at all your sr friends that you have made on this forum. All the people who have commented, gave you words of advice or just sent you virtual hugs. You have more friends then you even know. We won't leave you. We are here 24/7, no matter what. We don't "know" you, but we all love you, and care about you. We think you are so brave for telling us your "truth". That is the hardest part, being honest with people, and coming out of the closet.

This group of amazing people walked me through my divorce after 34 years with my addict. I wasnt being physically abused, but was mentally. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but these women and men held my hand and got me through it; for that I am forever grateful. I listened, and each day I got stronger and stronger. You can too, my friend.

Take your time, keep posting and asking questions. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I mean that. Stick with us, we are here for you!!

LexieCat

There's a big difference between "allowing" someone to treat us badly and actual intimate partner violence, based on coercive control. The word "abuse" is rather slippery and can be applied to just about anything selfish and hurtful that one person does to another. What happens in DV situations is actually quite a bit different from the stuff people endure in garden-variety alcoholic relationships.

Because part of the strategy is to intentionally isolate the victim and prevent her from having resources for support or escape. It's generally a very intentional plan on the part of the abuser. So, yes, some people are true victims through no fault whatsoever of their own. Strong, capable women, vulnerable women--anyone can find herself in this situation.

There are some surface similarities with not-OK selfish alcoholic behavior, but the dynamics and intent are very different.

And, simply refusing to take it anymore can be highly dangerous without proper safety planning and support. That's why I always encourage someone in this situation to work with an advocate who can help with that.

theuncertainty

LYF7, I understand being mad at the situation and at yourself for staying. I've been there. Sometimes I still go back to the same thought pattern. One thing that I've learned is that it's easier to be angry at the situation than it is to be angry with the abuser. (Anger towards the abuser tends to be kind of dangerous, so we focus it elsewhere.) And it's often the first step we need in order to see there's a problem.

AXH used to tell me that 1. I was his best friend, and that 2. he was such a s-t, I should leave; just leave, but if I didn't, he'd try to be better. I don't know why he'd say that and still do the things he did. Maybe he actually meant it when he'd say it. IDK. I don't know why sometimes it would seem like he hated everything about me, but still wouldn't walk away or let me go. I'll never understand how his mind works. I don't know if it will be the same for you, but for me, the focus I put on trying to figure him out was a distraction so I wouldn't have to deal with my stuff - my hurt, my pain, what I needed to do for ME.

Alcohol and drugs only numb everything for short periods of time. And those periods tend to get shorter and shorter. And it really doesn't help. It certainly doesn't allow him to deal with it and heal or grow. Even if the reality of the consequences of his behavior never truly hits him, the addiction will. It'll take more and more from him. Maybe not on the time-frame we want, but eventually.

You, however, I believe you'll heal from this. You're already taking the first steps to do so. You are so much stronger than you might think you are.

LYF7

Thanks you guys. Every time I feel the urge to even cuss at him, I don't give him the satisfaction .I come and read your posts.

He ended up texting me from his roommates girlfriends number, because I blocked his number too ( the roommate ) And basically it's the same old telling me to act my age, and he's asking me to come over again.....very entitled he also said he wants to talk and figure things out. I didn't respond and blocked her number.