Advice ASAP, boyfriend hits me and breaks my belongings

Old 05-09-2017, 09:09 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hey LYF7, the information you are being given is probably a lot to process specially if you come from a background that makes your boyfriend's actions seem normal.

If you feel you can't break up with him could you please just take a break; get away from him for a bit; read a bit and keep posting.

Let us know how you are doing.
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Old 05-09-2017, 09:25 PM
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hi LYF17, I'm not certain from your posts whether you're living with him or have your own place. If you do have your own place, please make sure it's secure and he doesn't have the key. Be ready to call 911 if he comes around intoxicated.

You're able to say no to his face, even when he abuses you, so you must be a strong woman, and I wonder why you still have a relationship with him. Maybe you think this is normal behaviour, having seen it earlier in your life? It's not normal, even the throwing and destroying things; it's intimidating and abusive and you don't have to put up with it.

Hang around, do some reading here and on reputable web sites for DV to get another perspective. His violence is escalating; it started with throwing stuff, then destruction, then you. Now it's common. You may be in real danger either from deliberate harm, or accidentally hitting your head or similar. No man is worth that.

Does he like you? Well ignore what he says and look at how he acts and you might get your answer. He likes you fine while you're handing over money, and hates you when you stop. If another woman came along with money he'd be gone in a flash.
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Old 05-10-2017, 05:14 AM
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I was very sorry to read your story.

I come from a very traumatic background myself so I completely understand you saying that what you were going through was pretty normal for you. But believe me, it is not normal. It is not normal to be in a relationship that makes you cry more than you smile. It is not normal to be afraid of someone who is meant to be on your side. It is not normal to have to question whether you are worthy of love.

It may take you years of therapy and work to get to a place where you believe what I have just said. Unfortunately it won't come overnight. But please just know that you do not have to live this way.

Small steps - starting with getting yourself to a place where you feel safe. You do not need to live in fear.

Please come back and tell us how you're getting on.
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Old 05-10-2017, 08:48 AM
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I'm really not feeling good today, it's that so mad I'm crying type of tears.
I'm mad that this happened to me and he isn't remorseful at all. He doesn't care he's ok I'm hurting.
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Old 05-10-2017, 09:51 AM
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I'm mad that this happened to me and he isn't remorseful at all. He doesn't care he's ok I'm hurting.
You have every reason to be hurt and angry. Even if he was remorseful, it would not make what he does OK....and it would not prevent it in the future. You would never do these things to someone - I hope you will consider talking to a domestic violence advocate.

This type of situation creates so much long lasting damage, and its really hard to see that when you are in the middle of it. Big hugs to you
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Old 05-10-2017, 09:54 AM
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He doesn't care he's ok
LYF, he is so NOT OK; it's just that he can't see it now and may NEVER see it.

In time, though, YOU will begin to see just how NOT OK this whole thing is. In time, you can begin to learn how much more you deserve than someone who "hits you and breaks your things." You can begin to grow and heal. And anger is very likely your first step down that path. Let your anger provide the fuel to get out of that situation. Leave him to his own devices. You do NOT need this kind of person in your life. Even if you know other people who act like this, it does NOT make it right.
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Old 05-10-2017, 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by LYF7 View Post
I'm really not feeling good today, it's that so mad I'm crying type of tears.
I'm mad that this happened to me and he isn't remorseful at all. He doesn't care he's ok I'm hurting.
I'm sorry LYF. Please use your anger to get away. This is a situation that will only get worse. A friend of mine lost her daughter to DV.

Her daughter was bright and beautiful and just thought it was a difficult time her boyfriend was going thru.

Everyone on this forum, myself included, hopes you are able to break free
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Old 05-10-2017, 10:22 AM
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Originally Posted by LYF7 View Post
I know people who throw things, and break things when they are angry that's why it never phased me when he did that.... until one night it was bad, the same night he smashed my head on the wall, he destroyed every single thing in his room, he stabbed the wall and his fridge, when he put it down I hid it. He blamed it on not having weed, he says it's his medicine and helps him calm down, I felt bad not giving him money.
The night after he said he felt depressed, isn't that from cocaine withdrawal?

I'm so confused as to what it really is....

Is it cocaine, not having weed, his bad temper ect??
He says he has blackouts. And admits to his temper getting worse that he can feel himself shake. But then, he says he needs to go to the doctors.

I guess I'm wondering if it's just his personality, he said he might be bi polar.


I know it doesn't matter, whatever it is.

a simple reason and just my opinion-
its the actions of someone with untreated alcoholism and addiction.
its his personality with untreated alcoholism/addiction.

what matters is you putting YOUR well being above his.
PLEASE do what you can to get him out of your life.
you didn't cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.
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Old 05-10-2017, 10:22 AM
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Originally Posted by LYF7 View Post
I'm really not feeling good today, it's that so mad I'm crying type of tears.
I'm mad that this happened to me and he isn't remorseful at all. He doesn't care he's ok I'm hurting.
He doesn't care, no. And he won't suddenly start to care either.

The question here is, do you care enough about yourself to remove yourself from this situation?

What do you hope to gain by staying?

PLEASE. Get away from this man.

BB

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change are the way they are and I can't change them no matter how much I try to understand them and love them better. Grant me the courage to change the actions of the one person that I can - myself! And grant me the wisdom to know the difference. (Serenity prayer, the dummies guide).
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Old 05-10-2017, 10:43 AM
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I agree that he doesn't care. That isn't to say he might not put on a show of remorse at some point, just to reel you back in. That's a pretty common scenario. But he doesn't DEEP DOWN care--not enough to change. And if he really cared how you felt he wouldn't have treated you that way to begin with. He felt a certain ownership of you, and he might not take kindly to your breaking up with him, so it pays to call an advocate to make a safety plan.

As much as it hurts, you can recover from this. An advocate can also hook you up with resources like counseling to help with your healing. But it is NOT SAFE to stay in this relationship--whatever he says or does to try to convince you.
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Old 05-10-2017, 12:18 PM
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I think physical abuse is often a learned behavior on an acceptable way to handle emotions. As well as a learned way to control someone. Maybe this is how he witnessed men treating woman while growing up. When something like this is ingrained, it is extremely hard to UN-learn and replace with acceptable means of handling emotions.

He is probably not capable of real remorse or sorrow, only the kind of remorse that will get you back so he can continue to have control.

In addition, woman who stay or go back is often a learned behavior of being treated unacceptably and having low self-esteem. Often when the carrot is dangled in front of them (flowers, gifts, “words” of sorrow, empty promises, etc.) they go running back only to repeat the cycle all over again.
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Old 05-10-2017, 12:20 PM
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what lexiecat said.
when i was a practicing alkie, I was the most important person in my life. mywants and needs came 1st.
and 2nd.
and 3rd.
prolly up to about 45th.
selfish and self centered.
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Old 05-14-2017, 04:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
He doesn't care, no. And he won't suddenly start to care either.

The question here is, do you care enough about yourself to remove yourself from this situation?

What do you hope to gain by staying?

PLEASE. Get away from this man.

BB

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change are the way they are and I can't change them no matter how much I try to understand them and love them better. Grant me the courage to change the actions of the one person that I can - myself! And grant me the wisdom to know the difference. (Serenity prayer, the dummies guide).
Why I stay with him, because he's become my best friend I care about him.

I'm really really mad at myself, I'm really mad I let it get this bad. And this pass weekend I overheard him and his roommate talking about another girl and trying to hook him up with her, he didn't reject his offer when a few hours he was telling me he loved me?. They were both High and drunk. I really feel like garbage. I left the house ASAP after hearing that convo.. I don't know how people can treat another person like this. And he still hasn't replaced my phone, so I had no one to call to pick me up and this happened late at night. No call or text to see where I am or if I'm alright.

I'm mad that he lie to me for months, if I had known he was an alcoholic and did cocaine, he just put on a big act that I fell for.
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Old 05-14-2017, 04:43 PM
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You might be HIS best friend, LYF, but he sure isn't yours. A real friend doesn't do this kind of stuff.

You can care about people but not have them in your life. Someone who hurts you can have your compassion, but I'd think very seriously about giving them anymore of your time.

While I'm not going to argue that we have some responsibility for the way we allow ourselves to be treated, I have to ask, Why isn't the person you are "really, really mad at" him?
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Old 05-14-2017, 04:46 PM
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he's become my best friend

REALLY????

that's when he pushed me out in public, kept yelling in my face. He wouldn't let me in the house, he locked me out, and when he finally let me in he smashed my head in the wall. The whole night was him yelling at me, threatening me, pushing me onto the ground, hitting me. He has a big problem with me not spending enough money on him,

^^^that is NOT a friend. that is someone who uses and abuses you.

I know people who throw things, and break things when they are angry

and that is not normal or acceptable behavior. EVER.

you MUST get away from this guy. and anyone who lashes out in anger. it's NOT ok.
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Old 05-14-2017, 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
he's become my best friend

REALLY????

that's when he pushed me out in public, kept yelling in my face. He wouldn't let me in the house, he locked me out, and when he finally let me in he smashed my head in the wall. The whole night was him yelling at me, threatening me, pushing me onto the ground, hitting me. He has a big problem with me not spending enough money on him,

^^^that is NOT a friend. that is someone who uses and abuses you.

I know people who throw things, and break things when they are angry

and that is not normal or acceptable behavior. EVER.

you MUST get away from this guy. and anyone who lashes out in anger. it's NOT ok.
I'm more mad at the situation I am in, like why did this happen to me.
How can someone do this to another person. Why does he still want me around, just to do this? he says he's hurting everyone who doesn't deserve yet he keeps doing it.

i can't see myself getting over this, I don't know how people do and it's really unfair the abuser just numbs themselves out with drugs and alcohol while we suffer.
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Old 05-14-2017, 05:14 PM
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it happened because you told yourself what he DID to you was OK.
now you know it's not. HE is the problem. staying away from him, blocking him, refusing to have anything to do with him is your solution.

and then working hard to believe that abuse is NEVER ok, not once, not ever. it's not what they SAY, it's what they DO.
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Old 05-14-2017, 05:15 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
it happened because you told yourself what he DID to you was OK.
now you know it's not. HE is the problem. staying away from him, blocking him, refusing to have anything to do with him is your solution.

and then working hard to believe that abuse is NEVER ok, not once, not ever. it's not what they SAY, it's what they DO.
He's literally the only person I have though.
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Old 05-14-2017, 05:19 PM
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You're trying to apply logic to an illogical situation. It's rational in one respect--from his perspective, he can do whatever he wants and you are willing to keep putting up with it. So it makes perfect sense from his point of view.

Yes, it's "unfair," but being unhappy and complaining about the unfairness does zero for you. Given that there's nothing you can do to fix him, what are you willing to do for yourself?
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Old 05-14-2017, 05:20 PM
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Originally Posted by LYF7 View Post
He's literally the only person I have though.
Then it's probably time to expand your social circle. Which will be much easier without an abusive drunk chained to you.
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