Ituvia

I can't think of any Trauma as such growing up. My cousin and sister were born 15 days apart and I was asked to "be the big sister and look after her" and I guess I took that role seriously. My cousin brother used to annoy her and make her cry, I would chase him around the house and fight. Obviously, the adults fought because of the kids' fight and everyone blamed me. Even though I was only three years elder. Eventually my uncle had to move out due to the fights and they all blamed me :/

dandylion

Ituvia...wow..I would say that is pretty heavy...feeling like you were to blame for the family problems during your growing up years...that is a pretty big burden for a kid to bear...
Also, being exposed to a lot of fighting is known to have an adverse effect on kids..
How did you handle all of that pressure?

FallenAngelina

This is not "obviously."

What you write is (naturally) from a child's point of view, but clearly there was a lot more going on with the adults in your extended family than their arguing young children. Healthy adults don't start fighting with each other because their kids are fighting, especially when the kids are cousins. Healthy adults let the kids work it out to a large extent and intervene only from time to time. In a healthy family, the kids generally know how to works things out among themselves because they are surrounded by good conflict resolution modeling. In a healthy family, nobody is assigned blame as a matter of course, but instead, participants are encouraged to take responsibility for their part in the conflict.

Ituvia

I don't know how I handled it. I can't remember anything. My T also thinks because I have anger issues, I seem to be burning through all the other memories. I can't remember anything properly. I remember defending myself or something like that but since my mom would get lot of blame for not raising me right, I would get angry at them too.

dandylion

Ituvia.....well...it looks like you were a neglected/abused child....given that, it is no wonder that you would have a lot of anger, in my opinion...
How is your relationship with your parents, as an adult...how are you viewed by the rest of your family...?

Ituvia

I do love my parents and I sorta feel like they are over protective too. I don't know. Aren't they all? BTW, AXBF had called me last evening but obviously it's in the blocked call list and I saw it today. I kept wondering why. 1)I shouldn't be looking at the blocked call list, it defeats the purpose. 2) He CAN ping me on office IM if it's important but he hasn't done that. I don't know why he'd do that.

LexieCat

If I were you, I'd stop trying to figure him out and focus on figuring you out.

Ituvia

Yes, I know Lexicat. The intensity of the confusion is less but it's there. I don't know why he didn't leave a message on IM, don't know why he did call.

LexieCat

In what way does it matter? I'm not being flippant. How would knowing change anything?

Ariesagain

You're looking for reasons in a situation where there aren't any.

We're a problem-solving species...we had to be, or we would have been saber-toothed tiger food long, long ago. So we look for data. We look for information. And then we want to draw logical conclusions and act on them.

That model doesn't work in the addiction universe. Looking for reasons and motives just leads either to false hope or utter frustration.

Try to distract yourself with something that interests, educates or just comforts you, yes?

Ituvia

Lexicat, it won't change anything, I think. But I am curious I guess. Wanting to know what he could possibly want? Is it about the eviction? Is it about the dogs during the eviction? Could he possibly care? I think about these questions, I guess.

Ariesagain, I have launched myself back into the welfare world. Volunteering at a shelter and whatnot. Those things are keeping me busy along with the life that keeps giving, my recent eviction notice. :/

atalose

I agree, it shouldn't matter why? And I also agree you need to stop looking at your blocked call list. I'm guessing he was drunk/high and it was nonsense other wise like you said if it was important he'd ping you. But really several months after a breakup, there is nothing important unless you have finances to split, a home to sell, things of that nature other wise it's all quack quack quack.

Ituvia

Atalose, I am facing eviction and he did ask about that when he called me on my birthday. He was working yesterday. Online and everything so

LexieCat

He has nothing to do with the "eviction," so it doesn't matter if he was calling about that. I don't know what the dogs have to do with anything related to him. I think it's a safe bet, based on the history, that he doesn't "care," and even if he did, so what?

I understand being curious, but mulling it over and trying to figure out what it might be is a big waste of time and keeps YOU hooked into thinking about him.

AnvilheadII

ltuvia - if you can't handle a MISSED call, what do you suppose would happen if you took another one, that perhaps wasn't in the middle of the night? you are trying to sleuth out WHY he called, WHAT he wanted to say, and IF HE STILL CARES. if he had ANYTHING of importance to say or needed you to reply to some pressing issue, he would have left a message.

since he called at night it's best to assume it was drunk dialing. he was probably just going down the phone list.

if you want to get past this you are going to have to up your game on NO CONTACT. or you will second guess yourself crazy.

atalose

And are you building a new expectation that some how he will swoop in and save the day? Help you? Offer you money to help you etc. etc.

How about the possibility of this scenario, he gets drunk calls you and demands the dogs back!

It's usually never that positive fairy tale we desperately try and tell ourselves, it's often the horror sh*t show and the ending always has hurt, pain and disappointment with lots of regret that we allowed ourselves to get sucked in yet one more time.

HURTINGDINA

Hi Ituvia,

I don't have any advice or opinions, I think everyone else has covered that quite well.

I just wanted to let you know I do understand how your feeling. May I dare to assume that you are still looking for the good in him in every nuance, in every action he takes or doesn't take?
Been there, done that and still do every once in awhile.

I am still relatively new in my separation (3.5 mos). So I remember the pain. Boy, do I so remember the pain.

I want you to know I acknowledge your pain. It is real and it feels insurmountable. I'd tell you it will lessen (maybe not go away 100%), but it is hard to believe that at this stage.

This Forum and these wonderful people were kind to me when I needed it the most. Please don't forget they can be your lifeline in a world that does not understand codependency.

Giving you the biggest hug and will send prayers your way.

HURTINGDINA

horror sh*t show...Blunt and sadly accurate!

Ituvia

I think in the back of mind, yeah. He called in the evening from work. Like in the evening so I know he wasn't drunk

Ituvia

Oh god oh god, he just called and says he is coming over. He is drunk and I am sleepy. He says no one can stop him. I asked him what it is and he says want to see you for old times sake