Just Need a Little Love
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
Just Need a Little Love
I really just need a pat on the head that it is what it is and I am going to be ok.
AH and I have been separated since July 2016. He has “dysregulations” at least 2 times a year and usually leaves for a period of time – this time I told him “no – we either get help through counseling to improve the tools that we use in our relationship or we get help from an attorney and divorce.” In the past we just “continued on” and ignored the dysregulation – we’ve been together 26 years and married almost 25 years. We have a business together so we still spend lots of time together during the week. We did 4 counseling sessions – 2 together and 1 individual each back in the fall. AH said it was no help and he wouldn’t do any other counseling. He has tried to “force” things, but I have held my boundary.
Today, he was showing me something on his phone and there was a part of a text visible that makes me realize he has moved on in the romantic area. Even though he has threatened and I knew in my heart this would happen, it really devastated me. The only consolation I have right now is that through Al-anon and Celebrate Recovery, I haven’t gone off the deep end and started trying to force some sort of solution that isn’t really a solution or started some sort of “control and manipulate” campaign.
I didn’t say anything to him about seeing it, but I know that it is time to move forward w ending our marriage. This impacts not just my personal life but also my business/work life. In spite of all our problems, I still love him and always imagined that I could either somehow “love him” out of his demons or that my love would keep me strong enough to be together forever (I know – how codependent of me).
Again, I know I will get to the other side of this and I have a CR meeting tonight but I’m not even sure if I want to go since my emotions are so very raw right now (and being a raging codependent married to a verbally abusive AH – I hate being emotional) but I don’t think I can be at home all evening w our kids either.
Again, just need a little pat on the head from those who have been there. Thank you!
AH and I have been separated since July 2016. He has “dysregulations” at least 2 times a year and usually leaves for a period of time – this time I told him “no – we either get help through counseling to improve the tools that we use in our relationship or we get help from an attorney and divorce.” In the past we just “continued on” and ignored the dysregulation – we’ve been together 26 years and married almost 25 years. We have a business together so we still spend lots of time together during the week. We did 4 counseling sessions – 2 together and 1 individual each back in the fall. AH said it was no help and he wouldn’t do any other counseling. He has tried to “force” things, but I have held my boundary.
Today, he was showing me something on his phone and there was a part of a text visible that makes me realize he has moved on in the romantic area. Even though he has threatened and I knew in my heart this would happen, it really devastated me. The only consolation I have right now is that through Al-anon and Celebrate Recovery, I haven’t gone off the deep end and started trying to force some sort of solution that isn’t really a solution or started some sort of “control and manipulate” campaign.
I didn’t say anything to him about seeing it, but I know that it is time to move forward w ending our marriage. This impacts not just my personal life but also my business/work life. In spite of all our problems, I still love him and always imagined that I could either somehow “love him” out of his demons or that my love would keep me strong enough to be together forever (I know – how codependent of me).
Again, I know I will get to the other side of this and I have a CR meeting tonight but I’m not even sure if I want to go since my emotions are so very raw right now (and being a raging codependent married to a verbally abusive AH – I hate being emotional) but I don’t think I can be at home all evening w our kids either.
Again, just need a little pat on the head from those who have been there. Thank you!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a huge hug...
"Dysregulation." So that's a big old schmancy word for big old drunken binge?
You've done everything you can. Now it's time to focus on what's best for you, yes?
I'm sorry for your hurt.
"Dysregulation." So that's a big old schmancy word for big old drunken binge?
You've done everything you can. Now it's time to focus on what's best for you, yes?
I'm sorry for your hurt.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 76
You sound like a really strong, capable woman but what you're going through is tough and would be enough to bring others to their knees. I hope you're able to be kind and gentle with yourself.
I totally get what that feels like, when your partner moves on with someone else. It's excruciating. I'm so sorry.
Sending huge support and hugs your way. We're all here for you.
I totally get what that feels like, when your partner moves on with someone else. It's excruciating. I'm so sorry.
Sending huge support and hugs your way. We're all here for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
If he initiates another relationship without repairing his broken bits, she will inherit a man steeped in dysfunction, whom you have already rejected.
Her story will not be any sweeter than yours, but will in fact be harder, because added to the aspects of him that are damaged, he will add a teaspoon of bitterness, a dash of self-protection, and will likely hide huge true aspects of himself that he learned displeased you.
In short, she's getting the moldy crumbs...
Take a deep breath. You already released him, so you cannot lose him!
Trust me when I say "stand back & trust your choices! She is getting a broken and damaged prize!"
Her story will not be any sweeter than yours, but will in fact be harder, because added to the aspects of him that are damaged, he will add a teaspoon of bitterness, a dash of self-protection, and will likely hide huge true aspects of himself that he learned displeased you.
In short, she's getting the moldy crumbs...
Take a deep breath. You already released him, so you cannot lose him!
Trust me when I say "stand back & trust your choices! She is getting a broken and damaged prize!"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
Maybe an oversight, but seeing evidence of his romantic stuff in the background. Very insensitive at the least. That's crap and it sucks. You do not. Can you remove yourself from that business? Hard work, yes- but then free- not anchored to a perhaps toxic environment. Look after your self.
As to that taxt? My favourite words for this- what a turd.
As to that taxt? My favourite words for this- what a turd.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hay Martillo, thinking of you and what you're going through. Even if you knew it was coming, it doesn't hurt any less.
You're getting serious about his drinking and he can't let that happen. The new woman will learn this in time too, if she has any self-respect.
You're getting serious about his drinking and he can't let that happen. The new woman will learn this in time too, if she has any self-respect.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I'm sorry. It does hurt.
I encourage you to still go to the meetings even when you don't want to. CR played a big part of my own recovery, and there were many nights I did not want to go. I always came out glad that I did.
Big hugs to you!
I encourage you to still go to the meetings even when you don't want to. CR played a big part of my own recovery, and there were many nights I did not want to go. I always came out glad that I did.
Big hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I can imagine how much it hurts to see this. Maybe learning about his new relationship signifies a turning point - one more milestone as you detach yourself from this person and move ahead into the new life.
I can empathize a bit, as I was also partnered with an alcoholic for 25 years (married for 20) before leaving. It will take a long time to un-wire your thoughts, feelings and experiences from his, but it will happen. I am so much happier now than when I was with ex.
(He too "moved on" pretty quickly after we separated - and I was much more affected by evidence of the new gf than I expected to be, even though it was clear to me that I didn't want him any more, the feeling of rejection was pretty strong [didn't help that she was younger, blonder, and perkier than me]. He married the new gf and it fell apart spectacularly. The gf is now ex-wife #2, and we've become unlikely friends. She and I commiserate as she goes through the unpleasant process of detaching from our shared ex-husband).
I can empathize a bit, as I was also partnered with an alcoholic for 25 years (married for 20) before leaving. It will take a long time to un-wire your thoughts, feelings and experiences from his, but it will happen. I am so much happier now than when I was with ex.
(He too "moved on" pretty quickly after we separated - and I was much more affected by evidence of the new gf than I expected to be, even though it was clear to me that I didn't want him any more, the feeling of rejection was pretty strong [didn't help that she was younger, blonder, and perkier than me]. He married the new gf and it fell apart spectacularly. The gf is now ex-wife #2, and we've become unlikely friends. She and I commiserate as she goes through the unpleasant process of detaching from our shared ex-husband).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your kind responses. I did go to my CR meeting last night and managed to share that I am grateful for recovery as it shows me my part in why we are at this point and the things I have to do to move past this.
I also ordered the Alanon book Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses. I have a library full of "self-help" books that are only as helpful as I am willing to apply the principles but I am hoping that this book will help me as I grieve the loss of what I thought my relationship would be.
Scheduling an appt w an attorney will be next on my list.
I also ordered the Alanon book Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses. I have a library full of "self-help" books that are only as helpful as I am willing to apply the principles but I am hoping that this book will help me as I grieve the loss of what I thought my relationship would be.
Scheduling an appt w an attorney will be next on my list.
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