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Envy, maybe?

Old 05-07-2017, 07:10 PM
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Envy, maybe?

So, I know that this is only because I'm overworked, overwhelmed, anxious and angry... but... I keep thinking that part of me is actually envious of my A! Wouldn't it be so nice to be able to just evade responsibility, do whatever I want, say whatever I want and totally numb out all feelings! Then, have someone else set me up on a 30 break in a beautiful place to focus on myself while someone else handles all of my responsibilities and more! This asshat gets to mess up his life, Mine, our kids and then gets a break because he has problems coping with life.... I want to go to rehabed, focus only on me and come back to a home where everything has been handled aND everyone else is old to basically handle me with kid gloves! It really isn't fair and I'm so damn angry about it! All while he acts like the victim and I have wronged him by letting his mother know that I needed help convincing him to get help... wtf? The worst part is, I am beating myself up because through all of it, I love and miss that jerk off so much.
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Old 05-07-2017, 08:20 PM
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This might sound non-kosher but perhaps you might take a weekend yoga or religious retreat that might help you rest. I understand your frustration, and don't get me wrong, rehab really is a break as much as it sucks (to the healthy mind...to the sick mind its prison), but maybe you can take a mini rehab just to recharge? Give the kids a mini vacation too to some other relatives house...it could work out for all of you.
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Old 05-08-2017, 03:26 AM
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Great post!
I can totally relate.
It's like they get to stay an eternal child.
Sending hugs X
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Old 05-08-2017, 03:46 AM
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I agree with Flygirl. Make your own frigging retreat!

You need healing equally!! It is just as hard on the partner!

If you have access to funds, book a weekend at a spa or retreat. If you emptied the bank account to send him where he went, sign up as a "new student" at a local yoga studio (there is usually a special "try-it-out" rate) or gym, & then immerse yourself!

If you have children, enlist a trusted friend (or even take a leap & enlist a trusted sort-of-friend) to give you time off.

We create our lives! We can fume that our life is not caring for us, or we can design it to nurture us!!

Whatever your nurturing feels like (spa, gym, sleep, time with friends, sitting in a cafe with a book) - do as much as you can!!

I am now single, and I do self-nurturing, joyous **** all the time!!

It is great practice to decide what you want & need & then make it happen!

When I was broke, my girlfriends & I would meet & do "home spa days," - painting each other's toenails, putting masks on faces, braiding hair. The spa part wasn't too important. It was hanging out with girlfriends, laughing, nurturing each other.

Nobody but you is going to make sure your soul & heart are full or that your body is cared for! That is 100% your job!

You've been through hell! You're investing resources in his recovery! Please, invest what you can access (be it $ or friendship) to jumpstart your own recovery!

Of course you're envious! You are not taking care of your nurturing needs!
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Old 05-08-2017, 03:55 AM
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Ps. Before someone else says it - I am well aware that rehab is not a spa or a yoga retreat!
But I think alcoholics/addicts & their co-dependents have distinct recovery needs!
Alcoholics/addicts need a therapeutic environment to address their stuff & co-dependents often need a nurturing rest...at least for a moment (maybe just an afternoon, but preferably a very long weekend) before they throw down with the therapy!
Just spending a weekend with a sister or beloved friend is empowering!
Both have just passed through trauma, but on different sides of the map!
And if codies can manage to make a friend or two through their healing process, this is infinitely valuable, because we tend to have overly isolated inside responsibility...
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Old 05-08-2017, 04:14 AM
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Scorpio.....it is so true that the essential nature of alcoholism makes the alcoholic a "taker".....and, if one looks very closely, the partners of alcoholics are often the first in line to do a big chunk of the "giving"......
It really is a dance....similar to the Argentine tango....where two bodies are moving in total synchrony....(in collusion)...

With co-dependency (where it does exist), I don't think that the great "sin" is in the giving to another....rather, the "sin" is that one gives to the detriment of the self......

I think it is a good step when one can realize that they are getting the short end of the stick.....
Another good step when one can recognize if they have been a part of that....
And, even, a better step when one can say...No more! I am going to make my my own welfare a priority, in my life (because nobody else is going to)......
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Old 05-08-2017, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Scorpio.....it is so true that the essential nature of alcoholism makes the alcoholic a "taker".....and, if one looks very closely, the partners of alcoholics are often the first in line to do a big chunk of the "giving"......
It really is a dance....similar to the Argentine tango....where two bodies are moving in total synchrony....(in collusion)...

With co-dependency (where it does exist), I don't think that the great "sin" is in the giving to another....rather, the "sin" is that one gives to the detriment of the self......

I think it is a good step when one can realize that they are getting the short end of the stick.....
Another good step when one can recognize if they have been a part of that....
And, even, a better step when one can say...No more! I am going to make my my own welfare a priority, in my life (because nobody else is going to)......
You always get it right on dandy. I love your compassion and logic. Great response. And yes, I agree that recognizing your suffering at the cost of someone else decisions is a great step because it shows your starting to understand that YOU matter too.

I would only add to OP that he is a sick person. Not at all to absolve him of his actions, but 30 days in a facility is because he is chemically dependent and eternally child-like because of it. I promise that being here and healthy is a much better place
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Old 05-08-2017, 12:06 PM
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I went through such similar emotions when my AH went to rehab. He'd caused absolute devastation and went off to months of world class care while I struggled to come to terms with the bombsite that was my life. It did not seem in the least bit fair.

I then got a call from his rehab people inviting me onto a free retreat for families of addicts. He said they did recognise we got left behind.

Does your A's rehab do anything similar? Are there any charities you could contact for support for you?

Wishing you peaceful times ahead.
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