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In Process of Kicking out - Advice!

Old 05-06-2017, 08:38 PM
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In Process of Kicking out - Advice!

My AH and I have been married for 14 years. We have two very precious elementary aged children. We also own a business together.

In the last four years AH has become a high-functioning alcoholic. He functions very well at work , but the second he heads home he gets drunk. He has become 100% completely unreliable in our personal lives. I feel I have had to turn into an only mom, only house-caretaker, working machine, etc.

In the last month or so, I finally came to the epiphany that our two children and I donít deserve to live through hell like this. I kicked him out of the house this past week. I told him he couldnít come back unless he could prove he was clean. Coincidentally, he was going on an out-of-the country work trip that day and he left with only a small suitcase. Also his car was in the shop and now I have it at our house too.

So technically, Iíve kicked him out, but we are still in this limbo state, because he hasnít actually ďmoved-outĒ yet. I think he thought I would just give in and let him come back home at the end of the work trip. I know letting him come back home is a bad idea. I do plan to pack the rest of his clothes, put them in his car, and give him his car keys, and somehow find a way to get his car parked somewhere that isnít our house.

In the mean time, Iím battling his texts and comments and hoping to avoid giving him any options to try to return home right now. How do I know it is safe to let him come back home? He swears he hasnít drank since he left (I would like to believe him, but donít think I should). He is already asking to come back home on Monday. He states there is no way to prove that he isnít drinking if I donít see him every night. He is consistently asking me how long he has to be gone. He is now saying Iím not supporting him and Iím abandoning him, and that if I really am not letting him come home it is because i donít love him - maybe anger or drinking again?

Iím guessing these are typical, but donít know how to handle it all. I guess everything is coming to a T and could use any support and/or advice on how to handle this.

Thank you!
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Old 05-06-2017, 09:27 PM
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If you are done, you are done.
He will say just what he feels he needs to to get back home., because every drinker wants a soft place to land.
Consult an attorney, stat.. you need to know your rights.
Meantime, block his texts, protect your finances, and take care of your children and yourself.
Good luck. Peace.
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Old 05-06-2017, 09:28 PM
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Can't speak to the business you have together. More reason to engage an attorney.
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Old 05-06-2017, 09:38 PM
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Last thing, promise. The alcoholic will try to put it on you. You don't love him enough. You are abandoning him. You are a cruel, cruel person.
Please don't buy it.
He just wants to keep things the way they were so he can....
drink.
.
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Old 05-06-2017, 10:42 PM
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SUPPORT GIVEN ARE YOUR LOCKS CHANGED? SENSOR LIGHTS?
Stick to your guns.
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Old 05-07-2017, 12:36 AM
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I'm so sorry you are facing this. He's playing on your emotions and manipulating you so you'll cave and tell him he can come home. The only way he's not drinking while away from you is if he doesn't have a dime, so yeah, he's probably still drinking.
My only suggestions are to get your finances in order, speak to an attorney, and most importantly, have a safe place to go in case he flips out when he realizes you are serious about separating.
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Old 05-07-2017, 12:52 AM
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Hi, LQ--welcome to SR. There are 2 areas that need attention here, in my opinion:

1) One is the legal end of things. If you are married and jointly own the house, you may not have the right to make him leave. Many lawyers offer a free consult; I'd strongly suggest you make an appointment w/at least one to see what your rights and responsibilities are. You will almost certainly need a lawyer for your legal separation/divorce b/c it will be a complex process, involving support and custody of minor children, the business, and a home, as well as any other property you have.

2) The second is support for yourself, so you can make good decisions and then stick to them. So many of us here have wavered when our A came to us w/declarations of love and promises to "never let it happen again." I'd suggest Alanon for some in-person support as well as doing a lot of reading and posting here in the forum. If you are truly done, then there is no reason to delay taking action, but remember, you and your children have been part of this situation for years and will have your own recovery to tend to. Everything will not be healed and whole just b/c the A is no longer living in your home.

I hope you can spend some time doing as much reading as possible here. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page; there is a ton of experience and wisdom there. And please do read and post on other threads. It's the members who make this place work--even if you think you're too new to contribute, even if all you can do is say "I know how you feel", it's still important.

Glad you found us, and hoping to hear more from you in the days to come.
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Old 05-07-2017, 06:04 AM
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Hi Maudcat! Thank you for your responses.

I guess I should clarify one thing. I am done living with the alcoholic. I'm not done with him....or at least I hope not. I truly want him to get clean so that he can move back in. We had the most amazing first ten years in our marriage. I want the guy I married, but maybe this is just wishful thinking on my part. To your point...realistically you are right. We might be completely done. wow! If he doesn't get clean I will NOT let him come back home.

I agree. Right now, he is looking for a soft place to land. The easy way out. I need to keep this in my mind on continue to stay strong.

I have consulted an attorney, but haven't hired one yet. I guess this is part of not wanting to believe we are completely done yet. Looks like I might need to face this though.
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Old 05-07-2017, 06:18 AM
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I'm trying not to let him get to me. At some point I've probably fallen for all of his manipulations or games. It certainly isn't easy, but I'll stay strong. The hardest part will be that I will have to see him at work on occasion.

He does have money. He is traveling for work with the company credit card. You have a point though about the money thing. I remember day he ran out of money and convinced me to give him some for something he had to pay for....it was a full lie or partial lie. He was buying alcohol with it. Ugh!

I hope he doesn't flip out. If he is still drinking, that is certainly a possibility. I am going to have a plan together. Thanks. I'll get ourselves packed up too.
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Old 05-07-2017, 06:25 AM
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thanks Phoenix. Good Reminder. He actually doesn't have any house keys with him right now. I can snag the one currently in his truck. His car can open the garage door. I'll have to lock that too. Thanks for making me think of that.
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Old 05-07-2017, 06:40 AM
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thank you Honey Pig. I am glad I found this site. I am working on getting more support. I can't get help from his family as his mom blames his addiction on me. I do currently see a counselor every couple weeks. She is actually the one that has helped get me this far. I am reading an alanon book and subscribed to one of their email groups. I haven't been on this site long, but reading the posts has already brought me to some aha's. I am trying to start my hobbies again. Just keeping my head on straight day in and day out and making the right decisions with the changes is the hardest part. I'll definitely be here for support. Thank you! I will work to do the same for others! Thank you!
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Old 05-07-2017, 07:29 AM
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I guess I should clarify one thing. I am done living with the alcoholic. I'm not done with him....or at least I hope not.
Well here's the thing, the alcoholic and him are the same person. Alcoholism is part of who he is and will always be part of who he is. Even if he jumps into recovery and gets sober alcoholism will still be part of him. Alcoholism is a life long disease with no cure except abstinence along with learning new copping skills in life. If just stopping drinking was the answer none of us would be here because it would be simple but it's not, it's very complex.

We can't just make an ultimatum and expect to control their drinking and then life will be good. Ultimatums don't work, they build resentment and back fire on us.

Legally you can't kick him our of his own house so your first ultimatum already isn't going to work.
Your second ultimatum of him not drinking, you've heard his words of not drinking, you've not witnessed that yet. I'm sure he can not drink for a days or even weeks but without some kind of outside help other then him just stopping. His drinking will return..........then what?

Glad you are here and glad you are seeing a therapist. Reading about alcoholism and addict behavior is an eye opener and I hope you check out some al-anon meeting in your area.
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Old 05-07-2017, 07:57 AM
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i am worried that you got the cart before the horse a bit here.......you really can't just move a spouse's stuff to their car and then move the car off the property and call it good. think of that in reverse for a moment....he could to that to you as well.

you need legal counsel and to follow the appropriate steps in order for this not to blow up on you. i GET your motivation, i really do, but perhaps your plan needs a bit more work first.
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Old 05-07-2017, 08:29 AM
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Well, I am kind of where you are detaching myself and trying to focus on why I'm with him and why I have stayed. Through everything, I like you, may still see those great things we love or once loved about them. I do not forget anything they have said or did over the past 4 years I too have 2 small children under 3 and it makes it a lot harder. I'm also a SAHM so finances suck but by letting him know i am not happy and I am trying to find myself again (because I did not realize until recently I have become very codependent on them), I have found a tinybit of hope for myself getting through this with him but if no changes happen in X amount of time i will reevaluate. Looking at myself has changed my perspective as well and what I've let him get away with. I thought kids wpuld change him too.
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Old 05-07-2017, 08:38 AM
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There are booze testers for cheap these days. Goggle. There may also be test strips?
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Old 05-07-2017, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob View Post
There are booze testers for cheap these days. Goggle. There may also be test strips?
M-Bob
Hmm, I'm not sure that becoming the "booze police" is actually going to do LQ any good, at least as the situation stands now...
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Old 05-07-2017, 11:04 AM
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I don't like Atalose's first paragraph, but I know deep down you are right. The alcoholic and him are the same person. I just hope the addiction won't always control him and I hope he will control it. His life will always be different and I agree it will always be a battle. That is something I needed to hear.

in regards to making and ultimatum, I don't agree that I made an ultimatum for him. I didn't tell him that he had to stop. I told him that he had the decision to live with and/or without his family. I have let him control me for years and I finally realized that I need to set my own life rules and control my life. So, I decided I was not willing to live with him if he chose to continue to drink, be mean, etc.. I told him my rule and I told him that he could decide if he wanted to stay with me or not. I made it his choice to live a sober healthy life with his family. (I have a very smart therapist that helped me with the groundwork for this - lots went into setting up this groundwork) He chose and came home drunk. In all actuality, I was the one that left with the kids because I wasn't living with him anymore. I was kicking myself out and was going to live at an Airbnb for a while until I found an alternate home. After I left, he calmed down and told me that the kids and I shouldn't be kicked out of the house, but he should be kicked out. Maybe it was his ploy to keep me at home so he could try to come back. That is what I'm worried about. If he wants to drink, he can...I just won't Live with that. He can do what he wants. I won't do what he wants anymore. So...I guess it was more of an ultimatum for me.
So yes, he is kicked out of his own house, if he wants to return, technically he can, but I will leave. He can drive his car right over and find a way to get in. I need to stand my ground. The hardest part for me is trying to not give into him when he tries to tell me he is doing the right thing, and most likely isn't.

So yes, my plan is way more detailed and it has been worked through. Don't forget at this point I do have to work with him, and I can't just quit my job nor can I fire him. I have to be responsible for feeding not only my kids but the many other families that rely on me (us). We know he isn't going to. Not every kink or scenario is necessarily worked out, some I haven't thought of, and maybe my plan isn't even right or logical..., but I am trying to do the best for my two kids and myself. The kids and I deserve better.

I don't care what it takes. I will make mistakes. I have made plenty. I've put the cart before the horse more than once in my life. I will learn from my mistakes, but I know one thing. Those kids and I don't deserve what we had and I will do my best to give them better. I will stick around here and listen to you (and maybe sometimes I won't listen - not gonna lie!), go to my therapist, read threads and books, and hopefully figure out how to drive out of this thing in the forward direction. Chin up, head forwards...hopefully horse first...then cart.
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Old 05-07-2017, 11:06 AM
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Only if a booze tester would make things right. ;-). They are good for some things though.
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Old 05-07-2017, 03:12 PM
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CB

It sounds like we are going through a lot of the same struggles. I'm obviously not sure I'm doing the right things...but I've learned to try to focus on myself. I need to be in control of my life and happiness. Like you, I do still love my hubby. (I truly think he loves me too - I think his disease has taken over.). I think the reason this process is so complex is bc every A responds differently, and when you love(d) someone it is no easy task to resolve or to walk away from, especially when kids and combined finances become a part of it. Like you I do have some hope. I personally know two people that have recovered from this disease, so I don't think it is wrong to have hope. (After getting clean, one of them relapsed 20 years later and got clean again the other one has been clean for 10 hasn't relapsed.) I agree with giving them a certain amount of time and re-evaluating from there. I have to admit... I have discovered that he actually responds to my current way of handling it. Maybe it isn't the solution, but it has certainly got his attention and he is telling me he is clean and wants to stay clean and love his family and treat us right. Now the hard part... is it true? Can he really do this? Or is it just talk. You are doing the right thing by figuring out how to focus on you! I think you are headed in the right direction. Good luck!!!
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