Mpie9

Well today I ended it with my now xabf....

It's been a month of me not initiating texts or calls and essentially taking space to sort out my feelings, get support and make sure this is what i wanted before i impulsively ended it again. Today he texted, "Well i guess this is goodbye." I got a wave of anxiety and thought to myself ok this is the time. I called him and expected him to try to make me feel guilty, but we actually had a very civil, healthy conversation...I was shocked. He hasn't drank in about 3 weeks so his head was on straight(er) and we just kind of ended it as, I love you and I wish you the best. It wasn't the unilateral breakup that it normally is. He kind of just came to the realization that he and I both have to work on ourselves and that he has to "start doing more and talking less."

WHAT A FREAKIN RELIEF. I'm sure he will attempt to call me and try to make me feel guilty at some point; "Thats the nature of the alcoholic" as my mom says if he drinks again. But the key word is "try to" make me feel guilty. I need to make sure I don't feel guilty anymore.

Right now we are both kind of in denial and haven't gone through the stages of grief, so i know it will get hard, but maybe not as hard as it's been before. Right now I feel like this is the best thing for both of us right now, and I believe he actually agrees with me for the first time ever. The hardest is cutting contact, that is blocking him. It helps to know the lines of communication are still open.

I don't feel guilty, I don't feel hysterical or overwhelmed, depressed or getting panic attacks. I feel at peace. For anyone who is on the fence about leaving a toxic relationship, i will share what helped me through the process of getting to this point. A lot of me feeling OK right now has to do with how he responded and reacted, but I believe the way I went about it maybe led to him responding in a more civil way.

1. Get support. I never did this before and highly recommended talking to as many people as you can. A therapist, Al Anon, family and friends who you know will support you. Some friends don't know the right thing to say, make you feel worse or just want you to settle because they have settled so choose wisely.

2. Take space first- this i like to call a buffer to a breakup. It kind of helps you mentally prepare and get a good support system established. This is especially helpful as codependents as we are essentially weaning off a drug.

3. Start writing. Write in a journal, get your feelings out. Write or type up a list of things you need in someone for a healthy relationship, ALLLL the negative things/cons of your significant other; motivating words to yourself moving forward (how to deal with a breakup); words to your single self (what to remind yourself when you find yourself questioning your decision again); and lastly, a plan moving forward (goals etc.). This is your own personal reminder of why you are doing what you're doing when nostalgia kicks in and your brain tries to convince you otherwise. My little book is 9 pages long lol I have it on a word doc so i can add to it in different sections if I find something helpful.

Then once you feel like you are ready, end it. Trust your heart and when you think it is the right time and don't rush it. If you live together it is harder; but just detach emotionally for a while if you can't physically.

Thanks everyone for the support up until this point. I hope I have helped some people. I'm no expert, but take what may help and leave the rest.

xx

Ariesagain

Great post, so glad you're doing so well.

Sending you a hug!

Mpie9

Thank you! I'm sure this peaceful feeling will fade, but trying to stay strong. This point is usually the easiest (for me) and then the 3rd month or so I get really depressed.

Usually if and when I start talking to guys when I'm out I realize how much I miss him and how well we got along and thats where I get really upset. I think when we are still comparing indicates we're not over the person yet?

It has also always made me nauseous thinking about him as a better person with someone else. I want him to be happy, we both deserve it, but the feeling does creep up.

My last breakup was a train wreck and never really allowed myself to be happy alone, just needed a guy to be around in some form so i've essentially been with a bf or seeking male companionship for 10 years. I need a clean break and just need to work on myself, I know that. Any words of advice moving forward? How do I know i'm ready to start putting myself out there?

dandylion

Mpie.....I would say....aside from individual differences, of course...that recovery for a co-dependent is roughly along the same timelines as it is for the alcoholic to become stable after beginning a genuine program of recovery....

atalose

One of our best tools after a break up with an alcoholic is to block them from contacting us. No new contact = no new hurts............or guilt!!! something to think about.

PhoenixJ

c011:

honeypig

Mpie, thanks for your original post starting this thread and thanks for the thought and effort that went into making it. It's a good one!

I read the portion that I quoted above and thought "well, thank heavens she learned quicker than I did!" For me, it's been more like almost 40 years continuously in a series of relationships, concluding with over 20 years w/XAH. Being on my own is a new thing, and while it was scary at first, it becomes less so w/time and practice. I do like having my own space and not having to conform to anyone else's schedule.

I don't know that I have any advice for you about moving forward other than the obvious stuff about finding activities that you enjoy, trying new things, and so on. It sounds like you're continuing to address the issues that led you to stay in this unhealthy situation (mentioned a therapist and Alanon), so you have a plan in place for that part of things, which is really important.

How will you know when it's time to get into dating again? I'm going to leave that to others to answer. I've been divorced for not quite 2 years now and I have ZERO interest in dating, so clearly I'm not the gal to ask!

I wish you well in this new part of your life.

Mpie9

Another thing that really helped me and helped me add to my little break up book*

4. Reading a codie book(s) or YouTube vids on codependency (there are a lot- Terri Cole is really good), literature in books or online about addiction if you are not familiar with it. My mom luckily engrained what the disease is in my head for years ("You don't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic" etc.), documentaries and Youtube videos on alcoholism.

Mpie9

I KNOW thank you. I don't know why it is so hard, but having left it on such a good note I should do it ASAP before things get messy. It's like they're dead and makes things so much harder, and I'd like to hear if he is doing ok bc I do care. I get it though, i really do. My best friend knows my (and his ways) and always tells me to cut communication.

He can also contact me through email. Can you block someone through email? -_- UGH