BeachPlease

Hi Everybody,

I left my STBXAH about 7 months ago. We haven't talked since December. There has just been one text since then & it was regarding the house. I think about him almost every day, but I don't want him back. I have this guilt that I can't really shake. I still haven't been to talk to a therapist, because I have major trust issues right now. It sounds counterproductive, but it's the truth.

I really feel like I can't talk to anybody but you guys. I burdened my family and friends years ago when I realized that this relationship was not "normal". I don't talk about my personal life anymore, because some of them started talking about my situation among themselves and jumping to conclusions. Then they would inquire or try to get updates, so they could gossip some more. They can't stand their husbands, so I guess my life was entertainment.

One thing (besides the guilt) that has been bugging me, is this worry that I have for him as if he is my child. I wonder if he's ok, and if he's working and not drinking himself into a stupor. I don't want to call, because I don't want to give the impression that I'm trying to reconcile. I just hope he's ok, I guess.

Other than that, life is fine. I have a nice quiet apartment, and I like my job. I'm able to save money now. I shouldn't feel guilty for being content, but I do. Is this some codependent stuff going on? This feeling of responsibility?

FallenAngelina

Sounds like you're feeling #9 on this list of Hooks which keep you boundary-less in relationships.

Forward12

Making the big step of ending things is the beginning, but afterwards is where the recovery comes in to better yourself.
I think starting to see a therapist and going to alanon would be a great help. It is still the codependency issues likely holding you back, but with some time and effort, you can break free.

AnvilheadII

it's tough when we have to separate from someone we handcuffed ourselves to for years. when everything became ABOUT them.....keep them happy, fed, rested, sober, cover for them when they are not, nurse them well, soothe their wounded fee-fees. we DO become parental, because they are incapable of acting like a grown up.

HeartbrokenGuy

Thank you. This was an awesome read.

I felt like I was at a drive thru ordering food. I'll have six #9, a #10, two #3, a side of fries and a large Coke.

BeachPlease

Hold the onions

BeachPlease

This is awesome. I bookmarked it.

LLLisa

Oh yes. I do this too! I know that when the you-know-what hits the fan the police and/or the hospital will call me, even though we are divorced.

I don't feel guilty but I do have the responsibility thing still and I'm divorced more than 2 years and apart from him for 5 years. I think it is the codependency in my case at least.

heartcore

When I felt responsible or guilty about "abandoning" my beloveds who were thrashing inside substance abuse (not just partner, but also daughter & mother) by setting boundaries or disconnecting, I learned to "send them blessings."

Many call this prayer. I did Metta meditation, which is the Buddhist version...

It gave me a way to respond to that "guilt," and perhaps they felt my intention.

The gift-outcome is that the act of sending blessings from afar actually advanced my experience of forgiving, while also providing form for me to walk through guilt and release it.