| viola71 | 05-06-2017 12:51 PM |
Life without boundaries - my thoughts today
This sounds like the beginning of a great adventure but its not. It is the beginning of a dark isolating journey that will shake you to your core, question your sanity, challenge your belief system and exhaust you mentally and physically. This is life with an emotionally unavailable alcoholic. Can you say lottery winner???
It has been almost 21 years of waiting for the magical moment when the feeling of true partnership comes over my marriage. I was thin, young, excited not at all scared. I miss the ignorance of youth. I married a college drinker that I assumed would grow out of it. Then I thought if we had a baby he would be forced to grow up Ha! I grew up, then I grew old still waiting. Waiting for my life to begin, waiting for him to retire, for him to get that one job that would bring him peace, waiting to feel valued, waiting, waiting waiting. I waited alone at doctors appointments, alone at teacher conferences, alone at family Christmases, alone on “poker night” , alone during “boys vacation”. I contorted myself and my beliefs to fit my situation, to project to the best of my ability what he said he wanted, while losing myself in the process. Nothing has ever been good enough to fit the image he carries in his head. An image he has never seen only conjured up in his vivid imagination. I listened to countless people praise him for all his accomplishments and began to believe that maybe I was the delusional one. Did all wives notice the change in speech, leg movements, mood, and demeanor and they just never talked about it? Did everyone check toilet tanks, couch cushions, trunks, trash, receipts, breath, snoring patterns for signs of drinking? Was I the crazy one? The sad but true answer is that yes we are both crazy, both sick, both in need of help. I much like my husband believed if only my spouse did what I needed him to do I could be happy. I gave and gave but resented him every step of the way blaming him for my unease. I held him responsible for changes I willingly made at the expense of my soul. I blamed him for harsh judgements that I assigned to myself. You see in this story we had the trifecta of faults to play off of each other. I with my low self esteem and severe trust issues, he with a fear of failure and abandonment a perfect storm if you will. The waves swell and vanish with bits and pieces of who I was, taking them out to see little glimmers in the light and finally they are gone. Gone are the dreams of happy endings, a partnership that lasts a lifetime, joyous memories to share into our twilight years. Instead they reappear on the shore broken only shards of what is left. It would be easy to toss away these imperfect beings but they hold a precious secret beauty. Only a few can see this worn tattered shard, it used to be hard and rigid but now it rides the waves with an ease and confidence of knowing it will weather the storm. It may look different,a little scuffed but a smoothness has appeared where the sharp edges were, it enjoys the moment. A horrendous crash and then the peaceful ease being washed onto the shore in the warm light before its taken out again. It is beautiful, it is resilient, it is strong and it knows that somewhere someone will see its beauty. Someone will love and cherish it, valuing every imperfection, but it makes no matter because it has done that for itself. | 