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Feeling a bit guilty

Old 05-06-2017, 12:01 AM
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Feeling a bit guilty

Hey all,

I went to play softball today. I had quite a bit of fun and laughter. There was even a bit of flirting going on. Nothing serious just laughing and joking around.

Now I'm feeling guilty about it. I know I shouldn't.

Is feeling guilty normal? Is it part of the grieving process or does it have to do more with my codependency?

I keep telling myself that I didn't do anything wrong. Technically, I guess I'm a single dude now. And again it wasn't anything significant as I work with all of these ladies and I have always had a very clear boundary about that.

Can I get some thoughts on this if anyone is still up?
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Old 05-06-2017, 12:10 AM
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HBG....Yes, I am still up....and, yes, I think it is very normal to feel (false) guilt, at this stage of the game....at least it is a very common reactions that I have heard many people mention....
I think that will fade....You have every right to enjoy your life...and it doesn't say anything about how much you loved her , or not.....

***By the way...does this drinking group have a baseball problem?
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Old 05-06-2017, 12:36 AM
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Ha ha. I'm not sure Dandy. Today was Cinco de Mayo so a few of them had some pre-game festivities. I didn't go because my daughter wanted to go to the game and I don't go take her to stuff like that just so I can hang out.

Maybe I'll go to happy hour in a few weeks. Maybe not. It was nice to get out and socialize.

I do feel guilty for having fun which is absolutely stupid. And I do have these awkward feelings about my love for her. Like did I really love her as much as I said I did. I feel like I did but I also feel like I'm "moving on" pretty quickly which adds another layer of stupid guilt and feelings.

I guess I'm just struggling with living my own life. Haven't done it for a couple years.
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Old 05-06-2017, 12:42 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
***By the way...does this drinking group have a baseball problem?
Was wondering that myself, dandy. ETA: Just read HBG's post, good, doesn't sound like it's out of control.

I don't have any direct experience w/guilt in the way that you are experiencing it, but I do have experience with losing dearly beloved dogs over the years. I've struggled with feelings of disloyalty and guilt when I'm looking for a new one after my old friend has gone on beyond. What has always gotten me over the hump is to think "what would my last dog have wanted, if he could tell me now? Would he have wanted me to cry alone over his memory, or would he have wanted me to go get another canine brother out of the shelter to share love and ridiculousness with?" What would be the best way to honor his memory?

I know you loved her while she was with you, and I have to think that she loved you too, to the extent that she was able. If she was able to talk to you now, from a place of being whole and healed, what do you think she'd say? I think it's likely that she'd want you to continue to grow and learn and find some joy, and in time, find love again.

I hope this softball thing turns out to be a whole lot of fun for you!
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Old 05-06-2017, 01:35 AM
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To me that feeling would scream out you are not ready for anything like this.
Feelings are still too raw at the moment after your spilt.

I agree with the others - it will not always feel like this.
The reason why you are feeling like this is because you are decent, kind, caring, considerate human being.

But - well done on getting out of the house and having some fun.
You really, really deserve to have some fun after what you have been through.
Good for you. Proud of you.

Why not see if there are other activities you can get involved with that will take your mind away from your ex wife?

What else would be good?
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Old 05-06-2017, 04:17 AM
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Originally Posted by HeartbrokenGuy View Post

I do feel guilty for having fun which is absolutely stupid. And I do have these awkward feelings about my love for her. Like did I really love her as much as I said I did. I feel like I did but I also feel like I'm "moving on" pretty quickly which adds another layer of stupid guilt and feelings.
I also lost a fiancÚ as you did and experienced this guilt. From everything I read about the grieving process, especially when the death was a suicide, feeling guilty for having fun again is absolutely normal. I always put suicide survival in a special category of grief and unless someone has been there, it's really hard to understand. Having fun again is so important and if you feel a glimmer of that, even this early on, it is to be embraced and cherished for what it is. Don't worry about whether it's "too soon" or whether you "really loved her." Let your few moments of fun be just what they are - sprigs of new life. Even one day after a forest fire you will find green sprouts amid the ashes. Mother Nature is always steering life toward new growth, so let yourself have these moments of joy. They don't signal anything other than you're allowing Life to happen - and that is so important when you've lost a loved one in the way you have.
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Old 05-06-2017, 07:15 AM
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Thank you all for the kind responses.

I appreciate all of you so much and I have no idea what I would do without this forum.
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Old 05-06-2017, 08:59 AM
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I believe that when the relationship is chaotic and often painful we do some of our grieving ahead of time because the possibility of it ending one way or another is always there.

You only have so many heartbeats in your one precious life. Enjoy your time on this planet the best you can, yes?

I'm delighted you had a good time with your friends. Sending you a hug.
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Old 05-06-2017, 09:40 AM
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You sound like a total sweetheart!
You loved someone, deeply. Though complicated, the love was real. No one just gets over it in a day.
You are taking the first tentative steps into a new life. It doesn't mean you have to go on a screaming tear. It feels a little out of control when you step outside your cocoon..
Harmless flirting can be lovely, and a sweet ego boost. It doesn't have to go any further. Your mind and body will guide you as to when you are ready for anything else - but you are under ZERO pressure. Have a smile and a laugh - you are ready for those things. Take in the good.
You sound like you deserve a lot of good. A summer at the ballpark with good friends sounds like a great recipe!
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Old 05-06-2017, 10:42 AM
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Thank you all for the kind words.

I really am struggling. I don't know why. I really wish I could celebrate my freedom as many of you so rightly do.

I didn't want to be free.

I wanted what I couldn't have. And the spoiled child in me wants to throw a tantrum about that.
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Old 05-06-2017, 11:01 AM
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HG you go ahead and have whatever feelings are coming!! Grieving loss is normal and healthy. My closest uncle died years ago - he was the father I didn't have. It was a gruelling, shocking, and heartwrenching time.

While he was still healthy he had purchased me a spa package for my birthday (a month before his diagnosis, he passed six weeks later). A month after he died my aunt encouraged me to go ahead and use it, that it would make him happy. I went. I cried on the table. I ended up running out. I felt such horrific guilt attempting to experience something nice - luxurious, while my uncle was gone. My feelings normalized over time.
Don't rush yourself to feel any which way. Your body and mind are the indicators. Enjoy what you can, grieve as much as you need.

((((hugs))))
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Old 05-06-2017, 12:14 PM
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Thank you

This is all so new and to be honest more than a little overwhelming at times.

If I'm allowed to be frank, it sucks!

I've read Codependent No More cover to cover a couple times now.

I don't know how much longer I will grieve but I hope it's not too much longer. I've heard on here time takes time. It's comforting and at the same time it's agonizing to know there isn't a quick fix. I'm too lazy to work this hard.
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Old 05-06-2017, 12:41 PM
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HBT....grief takes it's own time...grief must have it's way.....(there is a reason for this....engineered by Mother Nature...but, it is a long story, so I won't bend your ear)....
Lol...I think it is the nature of men (in general) to want to go quickly to the "bottom line"...for the "solution".....for the "fixing of any p roblem"....Processing thru things doesn't seem to be the strong suit.
Honestly, I think if men had to bear the young, the average gestation would be 3 months..give a day or two either way......

Seriously. think in terms of months...in fits and starts....One year seem to be the time that it slides more into "past history" feeling...rathere than in the here and now....
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Old 05-06-2017, 03:39 PM
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I had to keep everything simple when I went through my separation.

I made sure I slept well.
I tried to not get into situations that might be difficult.

I made no decisions about our home and when I should move, if I should move.

Guilt is an awful way to feel.
I hope you feel better soon xx
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Old 05-06-2017, 06:58 PM
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Going to see Chris Rock tonight.

See all these couples here.

My Codie brain says this could have been "us" 💔

My realistic brain says this was never "us"

Hard reconciling the two.

Hope the show is funny. I need a good laugh today.
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Old 05-07-2017, 07:02 PM
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You are a single dude now!

Be a kind, discerning, cautious, flirty, confident, sensitive one!

But, you are a single dude now.

It's where you are, right now. Embody it & enjoy it!
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Old 05-07-2017, 07:08 PM
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Ps. I have about 40% of me that longs for companionship, wonders sometimes at my past choices, envies the visual of the happy couple.
I have 60% that treasures being single - the freedom, the options, the ability to connect so freely with new friends, the developing courage to do things alone, the love of my sacred living space, the depth of my friendships, the space in my brain, the lack of emotional pain, & the option of eating whatever I choose at any time.

Both lifestyles are a grand adventure!

Everyone single on earth wonders if they are missing out on the couple experience at times, and everyone in relationship (mostly happy or mostly unhappy) envies the freedom & flexible lifestyle of their single friends sometimes!

Gifts & challenges in both directions!
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Old 05-07-2017, 08:27 PM
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Old 05-07-2017, 08:47 PM
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Originally Posted by heartcore View Post
Ps. I have about 40% of me that longs for companionship, wonders sometimes at my past choices, envies the visual of the happy couple.
I have 60% that treasures being single - the freedom, the options, the ability to connect so freely with new friends, the developing courage to do things alone, the love of my sacred living space, the depth of my friendships, the space in my brain, the lack of emotional pain, & the option of eating whatever I choose at any time.

Both lifestyles are a grand adventure!

Everyone single on earth wonders if they are missing out on the couple experience at times, and everyone in relationship (mostly happy or mostly unhappy) envies the freedom & flexible lifestyle of their single friends sometimes!

Gifts & challenges in both directions!
Agreed heartcore. More often than not, I find myself wanting what I don't have. Freedom when in a relationship and a relationship when I'm single.

I think that is because I have recovery to do regarding my codependence.

I think the goal for me will be to strive for balance in all things but especially romantic relationships
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