Mary go round and round and round
 

AH was not drinking for several weeks, things were slowly creeping in a positive direction for all 4 of us. He was going to AA and an addiction counselor working through his feelings. Animosity was starting to lift he even stated you have been so much lighter, friendlier and happier. Then a comment here or there about when he may be able to drink again. Same old radar went off and less than 2 weeks later came home to find him drinking one beer. One beer wouldn't scare a normie but we all know what it really is. It's jdenial, justification rebellion etc. So I sit here sleepless with 2 dogs and my daughter in a hotel room waiting to drive her to her SAT in the morning realizing how sick his thoughts really are. I think it would be easier had he never actually stopped. He took all the work he had done to rebuild trust and peed all over it, then tried to justify his actions and he wasn't even drunk that's what really got me. He wasn't actually drunk that's his thinking. How long have I been in this coma???

I'm sorry viola - I know how frustrating it is. When abf started to do things that I hoped were going to bring some new found sobriety, something would just come and take it away. I remember that moment when we were on vacation and he asked, "would you care if I ordered one beer?", and it was like a knife through the heart. In his mind it was ok because it was vacation and he's not getting drunk or "going to that place" but just being fun. It was then that I realized, he doesn't want to be sober. He doesn't really want to fight this.

It always reminds me of that part in "A Beautiful Mind" where his wife goes to the hospital for the first time to see him and she thinks they are on the same page in recognizing his schizophrenia, only until he pulls her in close and whispers, "you have to keep your voice down, they may be watching us". It was that moment for her where she could see something so clearly and so real, that he just could not.

Self-sabotage is a fairly predictable course for alcoholics. It's dreadful for the family because you get your hopes up each time. I adopted a "hope for the best but expect the worst" mindset that helped curb my denial. My heart goes out to you.

viola....do you see any correlation between him observing that you have become
"lighter, friendlier, happier"....and his decision to return to controlled drinking...?

Yes I did dandylion, I am not following the script. Although unsure what that means maybe a need to keep me in check or maybe just felt he could get away with it. I am not interested in his justifications any longer

Oh boy can I relate to this. Their short stints at sobriety just increase the emotional height from which we fall.
Best of luck to your daughter on the SAT, although I guess she should be done by the time of my post.

Early yesterday evening:

AH - "I've have tried so hard not to drink all day. It's gotten bad. I'm drinking so much again I can't just stop. I thought I was having a heart attack earlier. It is scary."

Me - "That is what detox is for. We've met the deductible. It wouldn't cost us anything."

Long pause.

AH - looks at me with tears in his eyes. "Are you still going to be here when I get back?"

Me - "From where?" Hopeful, but wondering if he is going to want to go to a different detox.

AH - "The store."

Ah, Txbuttercup, that^^ is funny if you haven't been there and heartbreaking if you have...

Well i just posted about what should I do if once again they give you hope and then crush it again. It's so crazy how silly I felt when contemplating whether to join this site or not. But iud comforting knowing people are that understand and try and help us.

I hope you get the answers we both need.

There is a saying around here..............

It's always good to have hope BUT hope is not a plan.

I am proud of you for going to a hotel. It is very easy to get swept up in the "it's only a single beer" fantasy.

It takes a tremendous amount of gumption to define that "single beer" as a serious concern.

But we all know what it means, and so many of us pretended not to.

Keep that clear energy flowing! You know what's up!