Jessica2

This is my first post I have been reading lots but haven't had to courage to post, this has been my first attempt at doing things for me and rebuilding some friendships that I have lost.

So yesterday I told my AH that I will be hanging out with my sister for the night. As soon as I told him he started being quiet, I told him I could take the bus, but he said he would drive me to her house, the entire drive was silent.

It was exactly what I needed someone to talk to and just reconnect I woke up this morning refreshed and feeling good.

I sent AH a message this morning took him a long time to answer back and when he did it was as little as possible. Is he reacting to the fact that I'm trying to be more independent?

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome!

Could be just about anything, from a bad day at work to planning all the drinking he's gonna do with you gone for the evening. I wouldn't read too much into it--you can make yourself crazy trying to figure out what someone else is thinking all the time.

Glad you had a nice, relaxing evening!

freetosmile2

Hello!

Welcome to SR. I think you'll find a lot of people relate with what your asking.

I personally am seeking to get out of an abusive marriage to an alcoholic. It 's pretty emotionally abusive. If I can understand ANYTHING, it's the anger and silent treatment when I started trying to seek more independence.

AH would also get very silent. Very passive aggressive. He would SAY that it was ok, but I knew it wasn't. And then after I did it... I was accused of doing something horrible. Cheating is his main accusation.

And so, I'm not sure what your situation is, but I can tell you this:
the VIBE that I get from it, is yes...he probably doesn't like you going to your sisters. My AH can't stand my sister and she is my best friend. He has said that she's a bad influence and all sorts of stuff (like I'm some teenager! The nerve!)

I hope you find the courage to post more. I think you'll find a lot of great advice here, but ultimately the answers have to come from you.

Hugs!!

Jessica2

Thank you lexiecat

I guess this is so new to me (doing things without the AH) have to stop worrying. Great advice thanks again still have lots to learn but hopefully on the right path.

NYCDoglvr

Much more relevant than what he thinks is what YOU think. You took an action for yourself and the result was positive .... a good indication you made the right choice.

Jessica2

Thank you freetosmile2 it's been so helpful reading what other are going through and seeing that I'm not alone. It's help me get out of this funk I've been in. My relationship is not abusive and we don't have any children, I think he was truely shocked to hear I was doing something without him and being independent. I've been doing all the wrong things like reacting to his drinking and starting fights with him and it truely got no where so I'm trying to do things for me now since I'm learning I can't make decisions for him

freetosmile2

THIS

absolutely!!

We can't sit around and literally watch them self-destruct. What do they say?
Didn't cause it
Can't change it
Can't control it

I've repeated those words alot to myself....they were actually said to me in a post by another member here.

So hurray for you girlie!! I'm glad you went. It sure does feel good to rejuvinate--- getting out and away from that is sure good for the soul.

Keep coming back!

I used to live in this place and I learned sooo much.

One thing for SURE is that people will tell you things that perhaps you don't really want to hear, and when you find yourself getting defensive-- explore that feeling.. because often I found when people ticked me off on this site, it was because they were telling me things that I simply was not wanting to acknowledge but that I knew I had to

Hugs!!!

Smarie78

Totally depends on context and what he is usually like when you do something without him. My ABF exhibits identical behavior when I do things without him. He will get quiet and I will text him during so he knows I am thinking about him, but usually his replies will be short and his behavior just stand offish and distant when I come home and even a bit the next day.

It's his insecurity. I try not to give into it but when we love somebody it's hard not to take it to heart. I always say this is how he "punishes" me. Then I feel guilty. Then I feel silly that I'm feeling guilty for having a normal life

Smarie78

I also meant to say...keep taking care of yourself. It's vital to your health and well being while in the nightmare

LexieCat

We aren't talking about a two-year-old whose mommy has to reassure him/her that mommy is coming home. GROWN MEN should be able to tolerate their significant others doing something without them. And why SHOULD you be "thinking about him" when you are off doing something on your own? The whole point of it, after all, is to NOT be thinking about the alcoholic for a while. Texting little reassurances pretty much defeats the purpose.

freetosmile2

I have also been guilty of doing this. And you're absolutely RIGHT. It's just so f-ing ridiculous!

I would even go so far as to text "I wish I hadn't agreed to going out, because I just wish I was home with you"---
which was, of course, a total LIE....

But of course, I needed to "reassure" that I wasn't out messing around-- *eyeroll*