Rowdy148

My wife wasn't one to drink everyday but when she did she made sure she got her fill. It has been a little over 30 days since she left. She moved in with a drug addict. I go from feeling relief to grieving.

What are the chances of her relationship lasting with this new guy? What scares me is that at some point she contacts me on one of my weak days and asks to come back home and I give in. I have maintained no contact with her since she left.

hopeful4

I would say the chances of her doing that are very very high. So, you need to get a therapist, get face to face support to make YOURSELF stronger so you don't take her back. Keep up the no contact at all costs.

Sorry this is happening, stay strong.

Bekindalways

Welcome Rowdy. I'm so glad you found us. And so very sorry for what you are going through. It is usually very painful.

Her new relationship probably won't last and she will probably try to contact you eventually. Do what you can to work on yourself. The book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible in these parts.

Rowdy148

I am seeing a therapist. When my wife left she said she wanted a new life. But she never changed the bank account where her cell phone is paid from, I gave our daughter her car insurance bill. She made a payment but never changed the car insurance company. I received another bill. She still has the garage door opener to our house. She said she wants a divorce and has signed the paperwork but I have received nothing.

It is almost like she wants to leave the door open to coming back. I am in such limbo right now because either serve me divorce papers or not. My therapist does not want me to file. She wants all the pressure put onto the wife to file.

The hardest part in all of this is that I feel isolated. I work full-time, and we live on a small 10 acre farm. After working all day I come home and take care of all of the chores around the farm. I feel overwhelmed. I am so tired at night. The only Al-anon meetings by me are at 8:00 at night. I am barely awake then so I am unable to attend.

Thanks for reading and allowing me to vent. I am having a rough day today.

firebolt

Hang in there - you are doing the right things.

Sounds about right. Can you call your insurance company and remove her car?

You can reprogram your garage remote if you look up the make and model online, or call an overhead door guy - it won't cost much.

And if you want to get the divorce going, you go right ahead and file.

A roommate might help with some of the loneliness - I hope you have good friends and family around you. And loneliness is part of the deal...you'll know you're on the mend when you find yourself content being alone. In the beginning, that's all pretty raw, especially when they move on so quickly.

Blocking my exes number from my phone and from myself on social media helped me a lot.

And the going back and forth with grasping and relief is completely normal. I'm sorry for what you've been through - this is temporary. Take good care of yourself, it's so painful. IMO - you have a better chance at a happy, fulfilling life now that you ever did with an active addict.

Jo2017

It's hell--I'm walking through it too. Keep posting and reading, I haven't been able to get to Al-Anon much either but SR is a lifesaver. Also, there are Al-Anon phone meetings in my area-not sure if you have access to those but that may be an option. Praying for you!

Rowdy148

I could re-program the garage door opener but we are still married, I cannot deny her access to the house. She will break a window to get in. I can't cancel the insurance because my name is on her title. She gets into an accident and I screw myself. I could file for the divorce but my therapist is adamant about her filing. She thinks my wife could crack under the pressure of filing. She started the process she needs to finish it.

The worst part is that there is family putting pressure on me to take her back if she wants to come back.

LexieCat

I think your therapist is full of crap--who cares what SHE needs? YOU need some finality and order in your life. You get that by filing, yourself. If you wait around to react to whatever she does, who is pulling the strings of YOUR life? An unreliable drunk, who could come in and take whatever she wants out of the house, bring her druggie boyfriend over to help her haul it away.

She has said she wants out--I'd give it to her. Have you talked to a lawyer? That would be my first step.

hearthealth

The family can take her back. You know the reality. They don't.
If she's going to crack she will crack whether she is the first to file or you. It sounds like she already cracked.

tomsteve

im very glad ya found the community here,rowdy( any chance ya chose the username after rockin rowdy piper?). there is a LOT of experience from people that have been in your shoes.
you are not alone.
just my opinion, but when it comes to divorce, you ( and it seems it should also be the concern of the therapists) and your concern and well being should be number one priority- not your wifes and the chances of her cracking if you file.
plus, heres the reality on that part- she already cracked. she moved in with a drug addict. another way to put it is she is sinking deeper into alcoholism
yes, she could very well be TRYING to keep the door open for an escape route if/when things go from bad to worse with the drug addict by not filing. however, if shes active in alcoholism and/or addiction, filing for divorce isn't a priority. for her.

just my opinion here again, but i think you and your well being have to be #1 priority for you.

family wanting you to take her back if she wants to come back- your family or hers?
either way, they can say what they want. its not them that has to live with it and they are more than welcome to open their doors for her.

is there any way you could cut back on the chores, reorganize how ya do them, or something to make youtime and hit alanon meetings ?

HeartbrokenGuy

Welcome Rowdy.

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I am probably too early in my recovery to give much advice to you.

I can tell you that it's normal to feel as you do.

And what I've learned is it's ok to say something isn't right for you. And you don't have to wait until everyone else is ok with decisions to make the ones that are good for you.

Keep coming back

atalose

It would appear that your wife has already cracked from the progression of her alcoholism. I do not agree at all with your T, its as if she is telling you it's ok, sit back and just see what happens. And the things that could happen with an alcoholic and drug addict BF could be more then you can bare.

I would file for a legal separation, get some healthy and legal boundaries in place regarding the home and access and future bills.

If your thinking that she will crack and want to run back home into your arms and seek help to make everything ok, that's a pipe dream that usually never comes true. Even if that were the case and she returns home, what about STD's and what about the next time she decides she needs a new life.?

I would think that your T would be explaining the long term effects for you of living with an active or a recovering alcoholic. and getting you to realize just what a difficult and emotional toll that could take on you.

AnvilheadII

i come from the camp of once somebody leaves, claiming to want a new life, AND hooks up with somebody else.....there is no "coming back". hell i'd cheerfully help them back up the rest of their crap and send them on their way.

but that's just me.

i'm also from the camp that says i don't wait around for somebody else to decide my life's course FOR ME. especially not unstable individuals in active addiction. i strenuously disagree with your T on this issue. that's playing head games.....waiting for your AW to crack. you have a lot to lose by sitting on your hands.

Ariesagain

So...waiting for her to "crack" gets you what exactly? I don't understand that at all.

You've already gotten great advice here so I'll just send you a hug.

Rowdy148

I have spoken to a lawyer, he says we have to separated for 6 months before either party can file provided we agree to the divorce. She can say no to the 6 month stipulation and drag it out for 2 years. I would have to pay her maintenance during that time even if there is a separation agreement I will have to pay her which I cannot afford.

Her family wants me to take her back. They said they weren't aware her drinking has gotten so bad.

I work in law enforcement, I think my therapist is trying to protect me. If I push the issue my wife might make things up and cause me a problem with my employer. I have spoken with my employer and I was told if she makes any accusations I am off the job until they are investigated. No job, no pay.

She already cleaned out the house the day she left. Nothing left for them to take.

It explains why she couldn't sleep at night 2 weeks prior to leaving. She was feeling guilty.

Ariesagain

Maybe talk to another lawyer?

There has to be a way for you to protect yourself legally and financially. Others here will have better advice, but maybe at least a legal separation in the meantime?

LexieCat

I work in the DV field professionally, so I know what you're talking about, but still--you can't live your life in fear that she might "make something up." That could happen even if you are divorced, right?

So how is it that you are expecting her to file NOW, if you have to wait six months? I find it hard to believe that if there is mandatory period of separation that it would be impossible to get a court order granting you exclusive possession of the house for the interim. I would ask the lawyer that question, as well as questions about what you can do to protect yourself financially in the interim. It could be that if she has established a residence elsewhere that you do have the right to exclude her.

And in some places, too, there are fault grounds that don't require a waiting period. If she is living with someone else, adultery and abandonment are two that come to mind. I'm a lawyer, though I don't practice family law (I'm in law enforcement too--retired prosecutor still doing DV work), and I know the law varies from place to place, but it seems there must be some options to protect someone in your situation.

AnvilheadII

If I push the issue my wife might make things up and cause me a problem with my employer.

i think that is exactly why you would want to be ahead of the game, rather than sit and wait and see what she might do or might cook up. you are not dealing with RATIONAL people and she doesn't sound mentally stable. surely there is something you can file - considering that she LEFT you and cleaned out the house. i'd urge you to look into this further before she gets any wild, cockamamie ideas. well,more of them anyways..............

hearthealth

Rowdy you don't trust her. She may state something even without filing for a divorce. She may not even be thinking of revenge. She may be focused on that life with the addict.

Hangnbyathread

So been here!!!! So done this!!!

She won't change as long as you allow her room to eff with you. Do you want her back? That was a question to you not her. I'll follow this up by saying, don't be shocked if it happens again if she comes back.

Now if I were you, and I once pretty much was, and learned the hard way.

1. Change the code on the garage door opener. Simple to do. Will take about 10 minutes total. She may call the cops arguing that you have prevented her from entering into her home. Let them come. You haven't. She has keys etc to get in. Let her in for whatever she needs to do there, while they wait, and explain to them what is going on. They see this all the time. My local PD was a HUGE HUGE help to me when I basically had to evict her from my home. Until such time as you are legally apart, unfortunately that home is still hers if she clams residency there. You can't stop her from having access to it. And you won't be. But you'll have some control over the times she does.

2. Block her number on your cell phone. If she wants to get a hold of you she can find a way and you can decide if you wish to respond then.

3. Call your insurance company and drop her from your policy. Be very open in this way because it was a very valuable piece of knowledge. The fact that you know she has a problem with substance abuse, legally the insurance company will argue that you must disclose this to them. If not and something happens and they found out you knew and didn't disclose, you could be facing a lot of legal problems from them if they have to pay out a loss at her hands.

You simply tell your agent that she has left you, you are getting a divorce, she has a substance abuse problem and you don't want that liability on your policy. I GUARANTEE you they will want to help. They will not deny her insurance, they will just rate her so badly she will want to leave them. This is key. Nobody is depriving her of coverage so you won't be in legal harms way. You are just getting her risky lifestyle separated from hers, where it belongs.

4. Do NOT change the locks on the common entry or exit doors. Unfortunately that will get you in a bad space with the legal aspects. Put locks on your bedroom door and any place like say workshops or offices in which you are the primary and preferably sole user. Put as much of your other stuff inside these rooms as you can manage. If she breaks in, call the cops. They won't arrest her, but they can document this for later use. You likely can't get a Restraining Order or Injunction or whatever they call them where you are unless or until there is either direct violence or a direct provable path that it is going to occur. If she escalates, which is likely, you will have a lot more to help you with to get one.

5. If you have joint accounts, open an account solely in your name. When you have one. Empty most all of that account into yours. You aren't stealing your own money and if you aren't in a divorce proceeding there is no legal action that she can take until there is one. Do NOT spend all of that money. Use it as you normally do now to pay all of your current monthly cost. Your goal will be to be as transparent as possible with the money so that can't claim you stole or willfully dissipated assets. But I assure you, you will hear from her once she runs out of money she needs.

6. If you have CCs in both your names and you initiated the cards and added her as a user, you remove as a user. I know of no credit cards that are issued jointly but I hear people say they have these. If its joint, you can't keep her from using what is hers as long as you have no legal means to.

7. Call your credit card companies. Here is the problem. She can rack up all the debt she wants and they will come after you for payments when she stops or won't pay. If she doesn't, you use the money that you withdrew to maintain creditor responsibilities. It shows you are being responsible when she isn't. Be very careful here. She will likely want to go crazy with the cards as a means to show you she is still able to eff with you.

Close any accounts you can.

8. File for divorce. Sorry I don't agree with your therapist here. Take control of the trajectory of this as best you can. Otherwise it can drag on for years.