Alcoholic wife left me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 76
Rowdy I am so sorry you're going through this. Addiction leaves a lot of casualties in its wake.
Please try not to take it personally which I know is easier said than done. The addiction is so powerful that it may not be until she is free from its grip that she might realise what she's lost.
We are all here for you.
Please try not to take it personally which I know is easier said than done. The addiction is so powerful that it may not be until she is free from its grip that she might realise what she's lost.
We are all here for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi Rowdy. Document Document Document everything. She sounds downright deceitful. If it's legal where you are, record her every word and deed. So what constitutes a separation and when does the 6 month clock start ticking? Was it when she moved out for her better life with Drug Boy or does is have to have some legal paperwork done to make it have an official start date?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I am posting from the other side, but I have been through this twice.
1. You don't have to take her back. I felt I had to take my ex back because we had a young baby.
If I had not had a baby, I would have never taken him back.
Families do the 'what will everyone think'.
Don't fall for it. You do not have to do anything you do not want.
2, Be clever - I could not change the locks but no-one could stop me leaving the key in the lock so his key would not fit in....
3. You will not always feel this bad. Time really does heal. How you feel now will not be how you feel in 3 months, 6 months etc.
4. Please don't think your new wife and her new man will be having an amazing time together. I did this and it was not true. His life was hassle from all directions. He looked awful. The guilt he felt was horrendous.
Look after you first.
Try to eat well if you can, get sleep, not put lots of pressure on yourself.
I think no contact is good.
She seems be threatening you with what will happen yet, but it seems like just empty childish threats.
Don't lower yourself to her.
I wish you the best xx
1. You don't have to take her back. I felt I had to take my ex back because we had a young baby.
If I had not had a baby, I would have never taken him back.
Families do the 'what will everyone think'.
Don't fall for it. You do not have to do anything you do not want.
2, Be clever - I could not change the locks but no-one could stop me leaving the key in the lock so his key would not fit in....
3. You will not always feel this bad. Time really does heal. How you feel now will not be how you feel in 3 months, 6 months etc.
4. Please don't think your new wife and her new man will be having an amazing time together. I did this and it was not true. His life was hassle from all directions. He looked awful. The guilt he felt was horrendous.
Look after you first.
Try to eat well if you can, get sleep, not put lots of pressure on yourself.
I think no contact is good.
She seems be threatening you with what will happen yet, but it seems like just empty childish threats.
Don't lower yourself to her.
I wish you the best xx
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread 
saying, don't be shocked if it happens again if she comes back.
Now if I were you, and I once pretty much was, and learned the hard way.
1. Change the code on the garage door opener.
Etc.
Now if I were you, and I once pretty much was, and learned the hard way.
1. Change the code on the garage door opener.
Etc.
As I said, the law varies widely from one jurisdiction to the next, and if you want to avoid legal hassles down the line, it's best to get good legal advice from someone licensed to practice matrimonial law in your jurisdiction.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Rowdy. Welcome to SR. I pretty much agree wih everyone's advice.
Be proactive.
Any chance you can sell or board out some of the animals to give yourself a bit of a break? My dil had several goats, chickens, and rabbits. Nothing large. When they moved to another state, she sold some, and gave some to like minded friends. Took a bit of a bath financially, but she moved knowing her animals had gone to good places.
They took the pig with them, though. They love that pig.
Peace and good luck. I think taking some action will help you feel better.
And, btw? Though it doesn't seem so now, your wife has given you a great gift:
Life without an alcoholic in it.
Be proactive.
Any chance you can sell or board out some of the animals to give yourself a bit of a break? My dil had several goats, chickens, and rabbits. Nothing large. When they moved to another state, she sold some, and gave some to like minded friends. Took a bit of a bath financially, but she moved knowing her animals had gone to good places.
They took the pig with them, though. They love that pig.
Peace and good luck. I think taking some action will help you feel better.
And, btw? Though it doesn't seem so now, your wife has given you a great gift:
Life without an alcoholic in it.
and smile, I will :)
Join Date: May 2017
Location: nebraska...BFE
Posts: 40
I'd say you've gotten some great advice here. And here's a hug for good measure. Sure sucks going through all of this stuff, but you can count on the fact that once you get away from it for GOOD, it will ALL seem worth it.
That's what I have to tell myself anyway....
Hugs
That's what I have to tell myself anyway....
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
YOU need some finality and order in your life. You get that by filing, yourself
What she did is a kick to the gut - big time. I do think that filing yourself would be a huge step in freeing yourself and taking your power back. You are not in a helpless situation - and I know all too well that it FEELS that way.
Sending you some peace, strength and clarity - you deserve much, much better than this, Rowdy. HUGS to you!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 5
I appreciate the advice. I just talked to a co worker who just got divorced. He filed and was ordered to pay $1,000 a month in maintenance. It took 2 years to divorce. He said it was the absolute most stressful time of his life. To add another insult to this my employer requires anyone who is covered by their health insurance to get a wellness exam each year. It was last month and she skipped it.I thought my insurance only goes up by 15% of my monthly cost. Oh no, it goes up by 15% of what my employer pays which is $1,900 a month. I am so ******* done right now. Its cheaper to keep her and be miserable. I am so lost. I have some thinking to do. Thank you all for your advice.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Hey Rowdy,
As a man, I've often felt the "it's cheaper to keep 'er" thought.
I went through a divorce with my wife who was not an A but just wasn't a good relationship for either of us.
Anyhow, truth be told, the old joke came to and always comes to mind when I think of that relationship ending or my most recent one.
"Why is divorce so expensive? Cuz it's f***in' worth it!"
There is no price on peace of mind and anyone's most precious asset will always be time.
You can make more money or learn to live on less income. But you will never get more time.
Do what is in your heart and remember the only life to worry about is your own.
Take care brother. We've all been there. Just a few different sides.
As a man, I've often felt the "it's cheaper to keep 'er" thought.
I went through a divorce with my wife who was not an A but just wasn't a good relationship for either of us.
Anyhow, truth be told, the old joke came to and always comes to mind when I think of that relationship ending or my most recent one.
"Why is divorce so expensive? Cuz it's f***in' worth it!"
There is no price on peace of mind and anyone's most precious asset will always be time.
You can make more money or learn to live on less income. But you will never get more time.
Do what is in your heart and remember the only life to worry about is your own.
Take care brother. We've all been there. Just a few different sides.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Your putting yourself into a hostage situation and your captor is an alcoholic who's not in their right mind.
Talk to another attorney and lay it all out. If she skipped the mandatory wellness visit and is aware of the added cost, that needs to be negotiated along with the maintenance payment. Go to an attorney who specializes in divorce, family law. I've known to many people who go to criminal attorneys, estate attorneys and not get great divorce advice.
Talk to another attorney and lay it all out. If she skipped the mandatory wellness visit and is aware of the added cost, that needs to be negotiated along with the maintenance payment. Go to an attorney who specializes in divorce, family law. I've known to many people who go to criminal attorneys, estate attorneys and not get great divorce advice.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You can't go by what someone else's experience was to determine what yours will be. Does she work? Has she ever worked? How long were you married? You don't mention children, so I assume you have none. Not everyone is ordered to pay maintenance. Is she paying for housing now? If she has no housing expenses that right there cuts down on any potential support.
Look, if your plan is to "save money" by staying married to this person, it's a false economy. If she winds up in the hospital you could be responsible for her medical care (your expensive insurance notwithstanding). She could run up your credit cards, ruin your credit. She could be in a fatal dwi, and you could be on the hook if she's covered under your insurance (or driving a car registered to you).
And do you plan never to marry again? Understandable, but some women won't even date someone unless the divorce is final. If you decide, let's say, five years from now, that you're sick of living this way, you will STILL have to go through the same hassle. Wouldn't you rather have it 3-4 years in the past?
All we are saying is that you need some really GOOD, personalized, legal advice and guidance. You will be in a much better position to make wise decisions for your future.
Look, if your plan is to "save money" by staying married to this person, it's a false economy. If she winds up in the hospital you could be responsible for her medical care (your expensive insurance notwithstanding). She could run up your credit cards, ruin your credit. She could be in a fatal dwi, and you could be on the hook if she's covered under your insurance (or driving a car registered to you).
And do you plan never to marry again? Understandable, but some women won't even date someone unless the divorce is final. If you decide, let's say, five years from now, that you're sick of living this way, you will STILL have to go through the same hassle. Wouldn't you rather have it 3-4 years in the past?
All we are saying is that you need some really GOOD, personalized, legal advice and guidance. You will be in a much better position to make wise decisions for your future.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by schnappi99
If she took her stuff and moved out, why is she still on your health insurance?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Yeah I was about to say - this is one of a quack of a therapist. Dump the therapist. And file for divorce if you so desire.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I think your therapist is full of crap--who cares what SHE needs? YOU need some finality and order in your life. You get that by filing, yourself. If you wait around to react to whatever she does, who is pulling the strings of YOUR life? An unreliable drunk, who could come in and take whatever she wants out of the house, bring her druggie boyfriend over to help her haul it away.
She has said she wants out--I'd give it to her. Have you talked to a lawyer? That would be my first step.
She has said she wants out--I'd give it to her. Have you talked to a lawyer? That would be my first step.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 3
Oh boy! How this story is exactly what I'm going through right now. She has been gone for 2 weeks now.
When she left, she took our little dog and $1000 out of our checking account. The first thing I did was go and move the money to a new account in my name only.
I agree, you can't change the locks, and I know she has the other remote to the garage door. So I just unplugged it to not allow her access to the house. I'm ok with her not having the other house key as she for got it.
Please take the advise that someone posted here. Make sure the money you have moved goes towards Bill's and keep a track of that. This will be key.
I too am in a lot of pain with her leaving again. It's not a get place to be and it doesn't feel good either. You end up going through these highs and lows. I know I struggle with this myself.
I agree with everyone on here, it's not if she will comes back, but when she comes back of how you are going to handle that. Like myself I'm doing everything I can to protect myself.
There has been good information on here that others have left. Pieces that I'm taking away myself. Thank God for smart people!
As hard as it is for me right now, I'm doing my best to remain strong. I know I don't want her back and I can't continue my life this anyway. It's sad, but I can't help this person.
With her new found freedom, she doesn't realize the wheels are coming off her bus. She now hangs around the old circle of friends that once fueled her addiction and now she is back in that environment.
I was the last domino to fall in order for her to go back to her addiction. I was the only person in her life that was trying to help her and hold her accountable for her bad behaviors. She had to remove that last domino to fuel her addiction once again.
Someone posted one here how someone had restless nights weeks prior to them leaving. It makes sense, since this was the same MO as my AW. I didn't even see that! So thanks for sharing.
I'm going to just move into starting the process for a divorce and what steps do I need to do. It's funny she hasn't even communicated to me as to when she wants to come pick up the rest of her things.
That makes me believe she wants to leave the door open when her world gets turned upside down again. I will not allow that to happen!
When she left, she took our little dog and $1000 out of our checking account. The first thing I did was go and move the money to a new account in my name only.
I agree, you can't change the locks, and I know she has the other remote to the garage door. So I just unplugged it to not allow her access to the house. I'm ok with her not having the other house key as she for got it.
Please take the advise that someone posted here. Make sure the money you have moved goes towards Bill's and keep a track of that. This will be key.
I too am in a lot of pain with her leaving again. It's not a get place to be and it doesn't feel good either. You end up going through these highs and lows. I know I struggle with this myself.
I agree with everyone on here, it's not if she will comes back, but when she comes back of how you are going to handle that. Like myself I'm doing everything I can to protect myself.
There has been good information on here that others have left. Pieces that I'm taking away myself. Thank God for smart people!
As hard as it is for me right now, I'm doing my best to remain strong. I know I don't want her back and I can't continue my life this anyway. It's sad, but I can't help this person.
With her new found freedom, she doesn't realize the wheels are coming off her bus. She now hangs around the old circle of friends that once fueled her addiction and now she is back in that environment.
I was the last domino to fall in order for her to go back to her addiction. I was the only person in her life that was trying to help her and hold her accountable for her bad behaviors. She had to remove that last domino to fuel her addiction once again.
Someone posted one here how someone had restless nights weeks prior to them leaving. It makes sense, since this was the same MO as my AW. I didn't even see that! So thanks for sharing.
I'm going to just move into starting the process for a divorce and what steps do I need to do. It's funny she hasn't even communicated to me as to when she wants to come pick up the rest of her things.
That makes me believe she wants to leave the door open when her world gets turned upside down again. I will not allow that to happen!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
There is a light at the tunnel. Its a called a final divorce. Those with kids, well it's less drama and liability.
My former wife would say anything to protect that lie. It was insane. I couldn't believe it. 15 years with her and now 95% of the things she said was a lie. The stress and the drama during that divorce was very stressful.
Keep your work informed, take legal advice and know until you are legally divorced you are attached in so many ways.
Praying for you!
AG
My former wife would say anything to protect that lie. It was insane. I couldn't believe it. 15 years with her and now 95% of the things she said was a lie. The stress and the drama during that divorce was very stressful.
Keep your work informed, take legal advice and know until you are legally divorced you are attached in so many ways.
Praying for you!
AG
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Heads up to the last 2 posters--the most recent post in this thread prior to yours are over a year old. Likely the original poster will not see your replies. Would you care to share input on other, more recent threads, maybe? We'd love to hear more from you.
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