LexieCat

Just one thought here--YOU should not feel "humiliated"--HE is the one who should be ashamed/humiliated that he behaves in ways so disrespectful of you. Law enforcement's job is to "serve and protect." The sheriff isn't providing you with charity by keeping you safe, he's doing his JOB--performing his SWORN DUTY.

Start telling yourself, throughout the day, I have RIGHTS. I have the right not to be disrespected in my own home. I have the right to build a safe and secure life for myself and my kids. I have the right not to have my peace intruded upon by someone who is concerned only with his own well-being, not mine.

You are SMART. You are CAPABLE. All you really are lacking is confidence. And you're working on that one.

hopeful4

Free, I am so happy to hear from you! Sorry I am dropping in late!

Congratulations on the nursing degree, that's wonderful! And, congratulations that you are moving on from him! I am so happy for you. I know it's hard while it's happening, but your life is going to be so much better!

Tight hugs friend!

freetosmile2

Thanks..
I'm really trying here. He's not actively drinking now...so I really don't have anything to moan and groan about...he's a darling little angel right now...how lovely.



That's what I think about THAT!
This girl's on a mission for some mother loving PEACE in her life. Some TANGIBLE peace. The REAL deal.....

I'll get there. I know in my heart that I won't do this forever. I've already filed. He can be as nice and sweet and all about recovery as much as he wants. But deep down I know that the drinking isn't really the problem for me. I mean, it is, don't get me wrong, when he drank, my life was HELL. But it's all the other crap that isn't going to go away with the drinking that I'm concerned about.
And so...I will stick with my plan....

dandylion

freetosmile.....exactly! That other "stuff" is very deep seated...
It is that other "stuff" that will suck all of the joy out of your hard won accomplishments.
You won't ever feel free to completely be your natural self. It will be like having an invisible prison guard with their eyeballs on you, all the time....
It will interfere with every decision that you want to make for yourself....
where you go...who you go with...what you wear wherever you go....
Your social life will suffer (even if you ever get one)...and the stress will mount up--or wear you down....like water slowly eroding sandstone.....until, one day, you will realize that you have lost yourself...and, some of your best years....

dandylion

FTS....I forgot to add---that it will sap your energy for your work life, too. In the giving professions, burnout is very common if your personal life and personal needs are not on an even keel.....

AnvilheadII

so free, what is the plan for you two physically separating? do you move? does he? and is there any reason to DELAY that part, since the divorce is ON?

freetosmile2

No, there is no reason to delay. The house is mine (my grandparents bought it and I pay my mortgage to them- praise God)....

He's agreed to stay until I'm done with school and have a couple decent paychecks under me.

But here's the thing...I personally think I'm gonna have a HELL of a time getting him to leave peacefully.

I'm thinking of actually getting his sponsor involved when the time comes.

The divorce is final on July 6th. I will not make him move until that point. It'll be about 3 weeks after I graduate before I can sit for my boards and I really need the financial help.

Plus, I have yet to sit and talk to the kids....still working that one over in my brain. I have a couple of them that I will lose. My two oldest are not mine. I have no rights to them and right now, I'm a poor college student. A lawyer is just out of the question.

AH and I have agreed to respect each others "rights" to each others kids. I don't know if he'll follow through on that agreement, however. He very well might use it as a revenge tactic. My oldest is old enough to drive though and between her ability to drive, social media, and their phones (that I will continue to pay for), I don't see that it will effect my ability to see them or be involved in their lives.

As far as the divorce goes, I don't have a lawyer. But it's kinda a no-brainer....
We have NO assets between us. Not even a banking account in both our names. The only account we have is in my name. The house is mine. All the utilities are in my name. And it's a simple divorce because we have no children together. The three younger ones are mine and the older ones are his.

The bum deal is that right now my car is broke down (again!!) and I might not even want to dump more money into the thing because it's pushing 200 thousand miles and I *think* the problem is in the tranny, which I've already had replaced. Tranny work is so expensive.

I don't start working at the hospital until July, so until then I'm doing charge nursing at a local long-term care facility, but that's an LPN wage, which isn't enough to save up for a down payment on another vehicle.... so I'm not sure what I'm gonna about that.

I've got the good ol trusty suburban, but the brakes are all jacked up (even after I personally replaced the pads, rear wheel cylinders, and the master brake cylinder)... and plus, the thing is a huge gas hog, normally costs me $100/ WEEK(!) to drive that thing.

So I have a few problems- but overall...it's all good. It's all lined up.

Of course I've been getting all the "oh you are just using me to get through school" and "I'm not going to be your slave. I've built you this house and all these things and this is what I get in return"
"you have no respect for me as a man"
"thanks for ruining my life, you wrecker"
"you've destroyed my credit and now that you've got what YOU wanted, I guess you're just through with me" (which I have had NOTHING to do with this man's credit- but whatever)

So I'm learning just to smile and nod- because when he realizes that I simply don't give a shitaki -- he quickly reverts back to the nice, kind, gentle, ya know... the husband that I deserve 100% of the time without having to fake it---because I know now that he IS faking it.

It's all a big show.

But I also know that he has a really hard time keeping the show alive. And I know that in July, I will need to do more than smile and nod. I will take ANY threats seriously. I will NOT hesitate to call stan (the sheriff). I will be changing the locks IMMEDIATELY.
Because I just can't trust that he's going to handle this like an adult. In fact, it's FOOLISH to assume that he will.

honeypig

Holy carpfish, fts, you are a mechanical Wonder Woman, in my eyes! But holy cows, the gas costs...unbelievable...

I don't know where you live or how far it is to your work, but is there a chance of a car pool w/a co-worker or someone else who works nearby? Would it be possible to bicycle to work a few days a week? I take it there's no public transit, or I'm sure you would have considered that already (the problem w/public transit seems to often be that it just takes so fricking long...)

I googled "carpool" and the name of the metro area I live in and found this site:
Wisconsin's RIDESHARE program
I wonder if there might be something similar for you?

Good luck w/your transport issues.

BeachPlease

I agree. He is still in self preservation mode even though he's working the program.