Well I'm back...

Old 05-03-2017, 07:17 PM
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FTS,
Welcome back my friend, glad to see you are doing so well!! Congrats on graduating from nursing school, I am so proud of you!! What you have accomplished over the last few years and over your "life" is amazing. You are such a fighter and you deserve that diploma!!

I agree with all the other posters. Follow through with the divorce. He does not deserve you, as you are so much better then him. How many horrific things has he done to you (didn't you have surgery and he was so messed up he couldn't help you, and you had your mom help, right ugh?) This is your time in your life. You move forward and take care of you and the kiddos. He has "found" AA and is now the responsible adult that you always needed him to be, really??

Follow through with your plans and mind your side of the street. As you know there is always more to come when you are referring to an addict. The divorce won't happen tomorrow, so keep moving forward and don't let your guard down.

Stick around FTS, we missed your smiling face.
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Old 05-03-2017, 08:10 PM
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Hey there, you go girl !!!!!!! Congrats to you. I always knew you would graduate. You are so strong, always remember that. I really missed you. Please don't disappear for this long again. OK?

(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
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Old 05-04-2017, 04:40 AM
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(((((FREE)))))!!!!!!! Congratulations on your nursing degree and what a GREAT career and LIFE start/do-over!!!! I think you darn know to follow through with it - NO CONTINUANCE!!!! Look, he blew up just days ago when he wasn't getting his way. His abuse and insane jealousy issues are DEEP SEATED. When you start being away from him for your work and forge work colleague friendships and relationships and become financially independent can you imagine his jealous rages?!?! Are you living together right now? My guess is when he knows you're not going to cave to him he'll say eff it and start drinking again and you will once again be in danger. I'm glad you're back here! Good Lord he's probably built you a MANSION by now or at least a house PACKED with furniture he's made for you LOL!!!!
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Old 05-04-2017, 08:29 AM
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It really sucks sometimes being the partner of an abuser.

I've gotten close to a few girls in the the program. I've gotten close enough to let them in on why I can't go out with them after a tough exam, or meet on the weekends to study, and other things like that.
They all know it's because AH will probably come unglued and that he's kinda..well not kinda... he IS a very possessive, jealous, and mean person when he chooses to be. It's all just right below the surface.
I told these friends about the possibility of a continuance...... they just shook their heads in disappointment.

It must be hard, watching someone like me, make the same stupid choices over and over....

What do they say? It takes someone about 5 times to leave their abuser for good, or something like that?

I, personally, am actually very proud. I actually FILED the damn papers to begin with! That was actually a huge step for me. And I haven't backed down.

Each time we talk about the divorce, I say:
"Here's the problem: You say I've cheated on you multiple times, and you think I'm currently cheating on you. You say I've ruined your life. You say that I've wrecked everything that is good. You've called me a liar. You've called me horrible names including the W word, the C word, and so much more. I'm not sure why you WANT to be married to someone that you honestly feel is doing all these horrible things to you.."

The point I'm trying to make to him is that he KNOWS I'm NONE of those things. He just says it to hurt me. I'm TRYING to point out the fact that he's just nothing more than abusive.
I told him I just won't stand to be married to someone that hates me as much as he does.
"But I don't hate you"
"Really? Because, it sure as hell doesn't feel that way on this end.."

And that's generally where it ends. I'm SURE he thinks that by getting sober, it's just going to fix everything. It will change his behavior, it will change it all....

I would be so frusterated if I had a friend like me......

feeling like a disappointment today. ..Booooo
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Old 05-04-2017, 08:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
(((((FREE)))))!!!!!!! Congratulations on your nursing degree and what a GREAT career and LIFE start/do-over!!!! I think you darn know to follow through with it - NO CONTINUANCE!!!! Look, he blew up just days ago when he wasn't getting his way. His abuse and insane jealousy issues are DEEP SEATED. When you start being away from him for your work and forge work colleague friendships and relationships and become financially independent can you imagine his jealous rages?!?! Are you living together right now? My guess is when he knows you're not going to cave to him he'll say eff it and start drinking again and you will once again be in danger. I'm glad you're back here! Good Lord he's probably built you a MANSION by now or at least a house PACKED with furniture he's made for you LOL!!!!


Yes!! I have two new closets, a sliding glass door, a brand new flower bed, amongst other things...he he that's so funny!
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Old 05-04-2017, 08:49 AM
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I'd suggest you stop trying to make your POINTS. He won't see it, won't agree, will never, ever admit it (unless it's part of a strategy to reel you back in).

I would end the discussions, period. It will get you nowhere. Do you have a lawyer? If not, I REALLY recommend that you get one. You've got a few complicated things going on here, and if nothing else, the lawyer can be a buffer so you don't have to deal with him directly. The DV advocate might be able to recommend some low cost services that can help.

And, FWIW, I'm pretty sure it isn't only "sometimes" that it really sucks to be the wife of an abuser.

ETA: Great to see your light saber glowing again!
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Old 05-04-2017, 08:55 AM
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Oh yes, and I forgot to mention that he is asking to go to Al-Anon together. I guess, around here, alot of the couples go together....
But uh...why would I go with HIM, when I probably wouldn't really be "allowed" to speak my mind?
And plus, I've been to al-anon...they, unfortunately, really can't help me in the abuse department..which is fine, as I have said before, it wasn't really designed for that.
In my world, detachment can mean that you've just put yourself in a much more dangerous spot. It's not good advice for the victim....so it kinda doesn't really help me.
Although, working the steps has been a great addition to my life. I applaud that.
But back to going with HIM....why? Why does he want to go NOW?
I have finals next week. I'm trying to study my ass off, and he's all "wounded" because I won't attend these functions with him. First off, I can't. I'm too busy right now. Secondly, alanon should be MY thing, not OUR thing, and thirdly.... well I don't have a thirdly....it's just not a good idea....
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Old 05-04-2017, 09:02 AM
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He's trying to sabotage your escape route AND make sure the world continues to revolve around him.

Run.
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Old 05-04-2017, 09:03 AM
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Yes, Lex,
I think you're absolutely right.
My "points" are "pointless"
It's been a lot of years now, and it's still the same old crap.


The final date is July 6th. I've got two more months....

And yes, to everyone who asked, we are still living together. I couldn't honestly make it through school without his financial support. And plus, we haven't told the kids what's going on yet. According to them, everything is perfect- especially with dad not drinking anymore.

My youngest son will be crushed. He is just in love with AH. They are two peas in a pod. And with AH's abuse being so insidious and behind closed doors, he will probably not really understand. He's 11 and just adores every move AH makes. Truly they are very close... and that saddens me greatly.

But I'm hoping that one day, they will understand that I had to do it for me.

AH is a fine father...I wish I could explain the depths of the abuse more.. because it's one of those things were you'd just have to experience it to know. The community just thinks he walks on water. Everyone loves him...
UGH...if they only knew.
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Old 05-04-2017, 09:18 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
He's trying to sabotage your escape route AND make sure the world continues to revolve around him.

Run.
I keep looking at your word. Run.

I've been running. I've been running for years on end. Trying desperately to fix fix fix...part of my OWN dysfunctions for sure.

A lot of these problems rest squarely on the shoulders of AH.
But alot of these problems exisist because I ALLOW them to continue.
I could have RAN a long time ago.
I SHOULD have ran a long time ago.
So what does that say about me?

I think some of what I need to explore (yet AGAIN) is why I feel like this is a situation in which I need to continue to be apart of?

I mean, the divorce is filed. Thats a plus. But I'm sad about it, I won't deny it. And that screams to me that I am just as much apart of the problem as he is. This knife cuts two ways.

I need to take responsibility for that. That is crucial IMO.

Free is also responsible for her happiness and when she continues to surround herself with those who continually make happiness/peace/serenity "off limits" then she is in-so-facto doing it to herself...does that make sense?
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Old 05-04-2017, 09:23 AM
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Welcome back FTS. So your the one with all the furniture that I've heard about. A continuation is for 90 days. Its such a short time. It's not the year to make really true changes. He will only make the changes he wants to make for the length of time he wants to make them. Once he's out of the vice he has has no reason to change. I've stopped one divorce and I'm back to divorce number two with him. H will also be abusive and start drinking again once I stop the divorce. I don't _trust_ him to be otherwise.
I also fear my children's reaction but it's also my life to grab my happiness.
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Old 05-04-2017, 09:35 AM
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The kids will be OK--you are a great mom. Don't think, though, that he would be above using the kids to tug at your heartstrings.

Are you working with a DV advocate during this time? I think that might help a whole lot--much more than Al-Anon.
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Old 05-04-2017, 09:42 AM
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freetosmile....I don't remember if this was ever recommended to you.....the book:
"Why does He DoThat? (Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men), by Lundy Bancroft.
You can get it on Amazon....and at low cost for used book. I think that you will recognize a lot in it. Even if you have read it before...it would be good to re-read it. again.
If you order it....I suggest having it sent to a different address...and be careful not to let him see you reading it. I think, that if you have a kindle..that would be best (safest).
I agree, that an abuse support group would be best for you...because those are people who understand, beyond words, what you have/are experiencing.....
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Old 05-04-2017, 09:42 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
The kids will be OK--you are a great mom. Don't think, though, that he would be above using the kids to tug at your heartstrings.

Are you working with a DV advocate during this time? I think that might help a whole lot--much more than Al-Anon.
No, I will honestly say that I'm not at this point in time. Nursing school has literally sucked the life out of me. This is the first time I've actually had a moment to breathe and even really THINK about the divorce.
I think the doves program (our DV place) is ok... and when school is over next week, I will probably give them a call.

My fear is that once he realizes that this is really happening, he will become erratic and unpredictable again. Might even start drinking again. I have my safety bag still. I have it hidden with all my important stuff. So, thats a plus.
My car is broke down right now, which really sucks, because I'm having to ride with him everywhere and it's his car...so that is not good.

But the house is mine, he will need to leave when the divorce is final. That is what concerns me the most. I live out in the boonies and the local sheriff runs off the "good ol boy system". In his opinion AH is a great guy, even called him to hire him to get his roof done... so that is a bum deal for sure.

But in the end, I know these situations can get pretty dicey and I shouldn't just assume that he will handle it like an adult. In fact, I should assume the exact opposite. So yeah, after finals I'll call DV
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Old 05-04-2017, 09:51 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
freetosmile....I don't remember if this was ever recommended to you.....the book:
"Why does He DoThat? (Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men), by Lundy Bancroft.
You can get it on Amazon....and at low cost for used book. I think that you will recognize a lot in it. Even if you have read it before...it would be good to re-read it. again.
If you order it....I suggest having it sent to a different address...and be careful not to let him see you reading it. I think, that if you have a kindle..that would be best (safest).
I agree, that an abuse support group would be best for you...because those are people who understand, beyond words, what you have/are experiencing.....
Yes, dandy, my local DV gave me a copy of that book. Bancroft does a wonderful job at putting things out there that are easier to understand. I've been reading it off and on here..haven't gotten though the whole thing. Nursing school has just robbed me of any life outside school what-so-ever.

great read though.

I feel like I'm empowered now, more than ever. Things that I've really been working hard for have all been coming into place. That's a real confidence booster right there.

It's just this ONE thing. It's my damn marriage. I literally am running around in circles getting NOTHING accomplished even though I've worked so hard to try to fix fix fix it!

I won't file the continuance. Even if I have to use the excuse "it just slipped my mind", I won't file.

Life has to move on from this. I'm tired of the same old games, the same old rounds of hurt feelings and make up intimacy...it's fake and it's just not cutting it anymore. It's just gotta be like this.

So...no...no continuance. It's just another way back to dysfunction..for BOTH of us, not just him. I'm taking responsibility for my part in this too.
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Old 05-04-2017, 09:54 AM
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freetsmile....if my memory serves me right..don't you live right across from the sheriff's office?...and you know the sheriff's wife? And, didn't they have to give you support at one other time?.....
Don't assume that he has snowed everybody...the community probably knows all about him (small town grape vine).
I am so glad that you are willing to call the DV center. They can help you with your planning and help you find a support group....I know you have a counselor..which is really a good thing. But, there is the power of the group dynamics which is so vital.....
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Old 05-04-2017, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
freetsmile....if my memory serves me right..don't you live right across from the sheriff's office?...and you know the sheriff's wife? And, didn't they have to give you support at one other time?.....
Don't assume that he has snowed everybody...the community probably knows all about him (small town grape vine).
I am so glad that you are willing to call the DV center. They can help you with your planning and help you find a support group....I know you have a counselor..which is really a good thing. But, there is the power of the group dynamics which is so vital.....
Yep, the sherrif does know AH has a bad side to him. So does AH's general contractor that he does work for. So , you're right, people do know he's an alcoholic and can get nasty from time to time.
The sherrif would show up if I needed him. It's just absolutely HUMILIATING...,but for safety's sake, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I've got no real excuse to keep this man around, that's for sure.

I mean, I can spell it out anyway I choose, but it still reeks of abuse all over the place and if one of my friends told me that THEIR husband had said some of the stuff that MY hubs has said...I'd tell them they were absolutely insane to stay.

The past year has been all nusing school. I lived it, breathed it, dreamed it. Didn't have time to deal with AH or his BS. So I just ignored it. I just cried before school and tried to suck it up so that I could focus on my exams, my clinicals, my learning.

Now, I'm pretty much done. I don't have to worry to much about the finals. I mean, I still need to study, but I'm doing well enough that it would take a grade in the low 60s on my final exams to push me below passing. And that isn't likely to happen. I'm actually a pretty damn good nurse, if I don't say so myself! My experience as an LPN has really helped me with this program.

So, now that it's over, it's back to the grind on getting out of this mess. I really do hope that he finds sobriety and peace and the whole nine yards, but I just don't think it's gonna be with me. I can't afford the continuous set backs and name calling and all that jazz that AA can't fix....
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Old 05-04-2017, 10:11 AM
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I'm sorry if I came across as being glib or dismissive when I said run...I certainly didn't mean to suggest that anything about this is easy. Of course you are sad, of course you are worried about how your children will react...and since you are a giving, kind person, it can seem easiest to just continue to sacrifice yourself for their sake.

But here's the thing...your son will grow up and repeat the abusive behavior. If you have a daughter, she will grow up and repeat the victim pattern. It happened in my family...we're all still dancing around my father's moods and he's 90 years old.

I wish you well and admire what you've accomplished. If you can get through nursing school under these circumstances , you can do anything.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 05-04-2017, 10:19 AM
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FTS...please take Ariesagain's words to heart. She speaks truth...reality.
If you were to know the truth...I'll bet my hat that your kids know a lot more about the relationship that you think they do. Parents almost always underestimate how much their kids know.....
Kids are good at reading everything in their environment....they may not understand it..but, they can feel it....
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Old 05-04-2017, 10:28 AM
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Thanks a lot for this reflection today.

I've got a lot to think about.

I need to go study, but I will be keeping this dialogue in the back of my mind today.

I need to trust my gut, I need to follow through on this and so far, I'm doing it. But it just isn't without all the BS emotional ups and downs.

Thanks guys,
I'll check in tomorrow!
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