Not Doing Well
 

Been having panic attacks since Thursday-not much sleep. Haven't even been able to log onto SR -everything seems too much. Confirmation that STBXAH's gf is living with him-that she has a high paying job & he's obviously upgrading. Meanwhile I am facing foreclosure, his 401k funds are about out & my salary nowhere near covers the bills. I'm dealing with early onset glaucoma & the fear of going blind & not being able to drive my kids or do my job is suffocating. So much is up in the air, I don't even know where my kids will go to school next year since I'm waiting on scholarships for their private school that I can no longer afford. Feel like I have failed them. Sorry to drone on -just really needed to write that out.

Jo.....you have a lot of weight on your shoulders....and, too much to carry alone....without knowing all the details.....I still say that you need to get support and help...as much as you can gather around ....
If he has a 401k...I assume that you still have health insurance?
In my opinion...stick close to your ophthalmologist, first of all....and seek out a therapist who is experienced with dealing with anxiety disorders...as they will be the best to help you with the panic attacks...
And, an advisor to help you with fading the financial realities of your future...(this can be from a variety of sources...depending on the specifics)
The more help you get, the better.....

It is good that you could come here to vent...that is good, also....
Keep it up....

Oh Jo - I am so sorry to hear you're having such a bad time.

He is not 'upgrading' - as difficult as it is, please try not to compare yourself to his new gf. He has simply found someone who may be ignoring the red flags and who is in for a rough ride. She currently does not know the pain and difficulties that lie ahead.

But it hurts. I know it hurts. None of this makes you a lesser person.

There is help and support around you, just waiting for you to ask. Financial, emotional, practical - it's all there. Please reach out and do not suffer alone.

We are here always.

I am so sorry you are hurting and suffering with anxiety. As someone who suffers from PTSD and anxiety myself, I feel your pain and understand.

I know it does not equate in your mind right now, but it is true that just b/c she has money does not mean she is an upgrade. Tight hugs, and take care of you, one moment at a time.

Sending you a hug...I wish I had better words.

Jo you're in a tough spot, but please don't let your thoughts run away with you. You have no idea what the other woman is like, but if they met in rehab and your AH is drinking you don't it will probably all end in tears. Give it time and keep your mind away from it for your own good.

You really do need some outside support. Do you have family or friends who can help in practical ways? Put you in touch with agencies who can arrange financial and legal counselling? You will come through this. Have pride in being the mature adult, there for your children.

YOU NEED ON THE GROUND SUPPORT. Doctor, therapist, al-anon, priest- someone outside the box. Empathy and support to you. Post here lots. Remember to rest, eat, hydrate. PJ

You need a lawyer and a mean one.

Sending you a hug.

Thx so much for all your kind words. Was feeling a bit better today but I start feeling that dread as nighttime approaches. Becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I have an appointment with my doctor next week -she had given me an anti-depressant at my physical-I'm going to ask if that medicine can cause panic attacks because they started the day I began the meds. Also will talk to her about anxiety medication. I've always hating taking anything & now I've become a pill popper. What a mess I have made of my life! Hoping everyone has a restful night & thx so much for all of your support-it really means a lot!

Jo, I am really sorry for all that you are going through. I am glad that you are going to see your doctor. I have anxiety too, and some meds make me uneasy, too. I take wellbutrin and it doesn't bother me, but helps take that anxious edge off of the day, without making me feel weird.
try taking it a moment at a time, and don't worry about your ex and what he does.. you need to take care of You now. things have a way of working out, and we don't have to fix everything in a day, so try to rest when you can, if you are not sleeping well. that can make anxiety worse.
big hugs.. :hug:
chicory

Big Hugs Jo2017

I have suffered from anxiety/panic in the past and sometimes I feel it stirring again when I look at the future ....full of debts/divorce/and my AH's new teenage lifestyle - with much younger women of course....and slimmer too - but they are not getting a prize. It hurts like hell if I dwell on it but I have gone no contact and asked people to respect that and slowly I am getting my focus back.
I am trying to be mindful and deal with the tasks in front of me one day ata a time as someone else shared on here...if my mind drifts back to him, I bring it back to me or to something practical just to keep a more calm and present state of mind. Not always possible but it does bring some relief.

I am so very grateful to have stumbled across SR. It's so comforting to know others have felt these feelings & have made it through to the other side. Honestly losing my eyesight is my biggest fear-I know my heart will heal one day & im mostly ok with starting over from scratch financially. Just want some peace and to not feel like my insides are jittering all the time. No contact is not an option right now. AH comes over every day to "watch " the kids after school. Some days that means sleeping on the couch & some days he is good. He cooks dinner most nights (although sometimes it's a little crispy if he's been sleeping) and leaves when I get home. He always asks me for a hug-sometimes saying he loves me, sometimes saying his feelings have changed. I've texted him on my way home & asked him to leave before I get there but he usually manages to hang around. I keep praying that my heart will harden towards him but so far no luck-even though I know he is awful for me.

Jo, I'm so sorry you are hurting. Remember, life is not always rosy for an addict. They live with a lot of guilt which causes other issues in its self.

You need to take care of yourself. Make sure you keep all eye dr. appointments and reach out to a therapist if you can. You can't live in the hell you have been going through for ever. It is only temporary as hard has that is to comprehend right now. We are here for you, and you can get through this!!

Second this.

He is not "upgrading" - she is desperate enough to ignore big huge red flags and move in with a man who is not yet divorced.

Hugs to you - and please take care of yourself.

Why is he coming over every day? Your kids are 9 and 14, you said the 14-y/o doesn't like having him there. Is there not a neighbor who they could call in case of emergency?

How does it help anyone to come home to him sleeping on the sofa and preparing a crappy, overcooked dinner? Maybe you could ask the kids to do a little of the prep work for the meal so you could have a bit of time to relax when you first walk in the door. They could wash and cut up vegetables, make a salad, set the table or whatever.

I would agree--if there is any other option, I'd sure give it a try. Having him come over every day isn't doing anyone any good, I don't think.

I'd also agree w/Lexie about the kids lending a hand w/getting dinner started. Nine and 14 are old enough, IMHO, to be doing this sort of thing, plus it will be so helpful for them when they're old enough to move out--I'm constantly amazed at how "kids nowadays" don't have any idea about cooking, cleaning, doing their laundry, etc. Making them responsible for themselves, within the limits of their ages, of course, seems like a win/win situation.

honeypig.....I am with you one the fact that children are more capable of household task than many people realize. When I was 14yrs. old, I could totally clean a house, prepare a full meal and do more exacting tasks like canning, milking, making butter and caring for animals....(as I knw that many farm children are).....
I. also, began babysitting for other people, in the neighborhood,at 12yrs.. in the evening hours....(my parents were available, by phone if any problem ever came up....which, fortunately, it never did....
LOL....when it came to my own children, in their early teens...till later teens...I always had the supervision of older persons in close attendance. I had a college age person to drive them around. after school...and, that person's mother was there to lend a hand in checking in on them at any time. She lived in the house beside us, about 500ft. away......That was because I worried about teens getting into mischief, in today's world of so many temptations around.....
The irony is, that I trusted them with babysitting other people's children....with me as a back up...more than I trusted them alone and with their peers....lol.....

Oh my, jo, you've got a lot on your plate right now. So sorry you're going through this.

You've got to somehow train your thoughts not to think about this concept of him "upgrading" and being happy ever after with the new girlfriend. It's simply not TRUE. He is not upgrading and the new girlfriend is actually downgrading. Remind yourself of all the reasons he needs to be your ex when your thoughts start to stray in areas that are not good for you. He can be someone else's "problem", not yours.

It's like human nature to compare ourselves to others in terms of material wealth, money, finances, age, looks, whatever, but we've got to fight that urge as it really does us no good. You are a wonderful person in your own right. Believe that!

Feeling much calmer tonight. Took a melatonin hoping that may help. AH comes over because he claims he wants to see kids every day. He truly thinks he's a great dad even though my son said he had no idea where my daughter was when he woke up...my 14 year old knows he is really in charge & my daughter knows to tell her brother which neighbor she's at. We just find it easier to live our lives around him than to provoke. I'm hoping by some miracle our house will sell & we can have our own place. Will definitely be easier to set boundaries when he's not paying the mortgage. Thx for all of the support-don't think I would have gotten through these past few days without you all!

Have you investigated whether the LAW could set those boundaries? If you have exclusive possession of the house, you are completely within your rights to say he isn't welcome there without an express invitation. Look, the guy won't even honor your wishes to be gone when you call him and ask him to leave before you get home.

There is no "provocation" in setting specific, appropriate times for him to spend time with the kids--provided the kids are willing. Seems to me you are not honoring THEIR wishes, either.