FallenAngelina

I don't claim to be a former codie, but as a recovering codie I'll toss out three things:

1. Prioritize peace over excitement.
Yes, a new relationship offers that wonderful rush of being in love, but a good relationship feels peaceful. You don't have big ups and downs, you just know the other person is there.

2. Prioritize not being needed over being needed.
In a good relationship, each person is reliable & capable. Neither is going to fall apart without the other and neither is "everything" to the other. A lot of us codies have come to equate being loved with being someone's rock, being the one special person who truly knows our partner's good heart. Being in a relationship in which you're not desperately needed can take some big adjusting to.

3. Stay social.
Keep seeing friends and family while you are in the throws of the new relationship. Stay involved in your community, keep making dates with friends. One of the hallmarks of a codie relationship is social isolation, so be mindful of the urge to merge and stay involved with the friends and activities you had before you met this new partner.

HeartbrokenGuy

Thanks Fallen.

I honestly made all these mistakes even before dating an alcoholic.

Great sound advice. I don't need it right now but it's definitely something to ponder as I move forward

TropicalWinter

Yeah, I meant "recovering" codie. I guess I said "former" b/c I'm no longer with my STBXAH, but recovering is definitely the proper word!

Hangnbyathread

Let me back this up with an AMEN to this.

MAN do they get nasty when you say no!!!!!!!

Without being too graphic I'll give you an example.

Had a nice date. She was a professional, well mannered, well kept, it was a nice evening. We both felt the same way. She asked if I kissed on the first date. I said Yes......cheeks turning red.

So we did.

She began to want lets just say more with her mouth and began the process of letting me know.

I stopped her and said "Look I had a great time tonight and would love to keep dating but I'm not ready for this". Her eyes got wide and she said "You're kidding right?' and started laughing like she had just caught me in a little fun game. I said "No, I really don't have any idea of your sexual notions and I would rather take the time to know that we are safe before we proceed.

Man did that turn things into a BAD situation. "What do you mean safe?' She asked. I said "Look, I don't know anything about your sexual history and really don't think its right to just assume anything.

She was getting miffed but was still trying. She said honey we ain't gonna screw I just want to enjoy this with you." I was getting anxious now. I said...Let me ask you......Where do you think STDs go when you preform Oral Sex?" She said...."I never really thought about it I guess in my stomach" (Sorry I said I didn't want to get graphic).

Now she is getting pretty upset and dropped the Bomb. "Oh I get it You're gay aren't you?" "I've never had a man turn down one of those are you kidding me?"

Now it was my turn to get upset. But I kept my cool and said..."Please have a good rest of your week I don't think we are going anywhere with us."

Then she started throwing the F words etc. I got out of there...but I was MAD!!!! Stayed pretty pissed for a few days over that event.

It is we who feel pressured sometimes. Never thought I'd say it but it was a shocker to experience.