aliciagr

His parents do live close to us here, but they just dont have a good relationship, although he was making progress reconnecting with his dad. I havent spoke to them, but my husband said his dad did call randomly without knowing what was going on. He told him that we were thinking of moving back close to my parents and that he was out of town. I should call over there, but I just dont feel like it. There really isnt anything they can do, so I figure why make them worry. I will let my husband handle it.


Thank You All for the support and kind wishes. Means a lot !

Ladybird579

Im sad, disappointed but not angry

Maybe you need to get angry. What he has done is absolutely appalling and now he's fallen apart emotionally ..how convenient to turn on the water works once he got caught. This guy plays you all like a fish on a hook. What about you and your precious baby which he has put at risk cos of his behaviour? You are still defending him and I am mystified as to why.

aliciagr

I was angry for a while Ladybird but for now that has passed. I think emotions come in waves so it may return. Im holding him accountable for his actions but at the same time he has put in a lot of work on his own, and with me in therapy since this happened last year. I dont know if he discussed this with his therapist or where his mind was at when he decided to withhold the information. I cant really focus on my feelings around it right now. I dont know if its something we can recover from, or if I even want to. I know I want him to be healthy emotionally and continue on with his recovery. Right now its about the only thing I know for sure when it comes to my feelings for him.

AnvilheadII

i don't now how you are able to be so neutral about EVERYTHING your AH has done to you............including putting you AND your unborn child in real life-threatening danger. on the checklist of horrid acts to do to another person, i'm not sure what else you could check off.

i pray that with time away from him, you may begin to see what you are truly dealing with.

aliciagr

I understand what your saying Anvil. Im not neutral its just that I feel more sadness and disappointment than anger and hatred. Ive been talking about my feelings with my mom in more detail and its been helping. I have to decide if I want him in my parents house before we leave to go back there in a few days. I know I need my own space from him even if he's in the house. I have a brother and he has offered to let him stay at his place for a while. Right now Im thinking that might be healthier for me.

Ariesagain

Why isn't it his family that is babysitting him, employing him, and housing him?

Your family is your support system, not his. If that sounds too black and white, if he does relapse or you were to find out his cheating was more recent, just as an example, you would have a far harder time extricating all of you, yes?

Lilro

Not sure about the rest of you but....
My hormones and emotions were all over the place when I was pregnant, just sayin'.

Oh and P.S. I am in NO WAY sticking up for him.

Hummer

Take care of yourself.

aliciagr

His family is dysfunctional and harmful for us both to be around. They are not capable of offering him support or guidance.

My dad has been more of a father figure to him than his own, but at the same time he is able to handle things rationally without becoming too emotional.

No it was last year. Im certain because of facts he gave me. I was tested at my doctors office last year because she suggested it when I told her about his drugs and drinking. It was all negative but she also told me that I needed to come back for a second test in a couple of months because not everything shows up immediately. I didnt do that. I let him know back then that I had to be tested because I couldnt trust him. He found out shortly after that he had an STD but he thought I didnt pick it up because I told him mine came out negative. I made a big angry hysterical deal out of being tested last year so he clearly remembers my feelings on it. I know the date when he found out and everything. He's a stupid A##

We both could have picked up something deadly or not easily treated. But my doctor doesnt feel its what caused the growth issues with the baby. I have my doubts but of course I would. He thinks he caused it even after what she said. I did some online reading. Im choosing to believe what the doctor told me because it seems to match up.

He is still an A## but not to blame for whats going on with the baby. It could be my fault, it could be no ones fault. My mom says its not helpful to go down that road because I wont get the answer why. It just is, and I have to go from there.

LexieCat

So you had ZERO sexual contact with him between the date you tested negative and he found out he had an STI? And he had zero sexual contact with you between the time he found out, and his re-test to determine that he was then clear?

Why would he not have had HIMSELF tested at the same time you did?

I get that the STI probably isn't responsible for whatever issues your fetus has, if that's what the doctor says. But it certainly is an example of his not taking your legitimate concerns seriously.

I know you aren't excusing his actions in contracting the STI to begin with. But it doesn't sound to me like his failure to be tested or to protect you were just the product of an accidental misunderstanding of whether it could show up in you later.

PuzzledHeart

Is your husband capable of giving you support and guidance?

You've given so much to your husband, and you already have so much on your plate.

You're watching over your baby, you found out that you have an STD, and your dad is taking care of HIM as if he's the victim here.

I know that he's probably very ashamed of what he did, but your husband has got to grow up here and face the music. If he truly wants to take responsibility for what he did, he would _volunteer_ to move out of your parents house so they can devote their energies helping you out. Instead of asking you if you're going to leave him, maybe he should admit to himself that after all he's done to you that he needs to work on his own s$#@ before he even dare ask that question.

I want to put this in writing: You're going to move in with your brother because your cheating husband is living in your parents' house.

He needs to show you at THIS moment of crisis that he can be 1) the husband that you deserve and 2) the father that your child deserves.

I know this post may come out strident and angry. I'm not angry at you, but I am very angry FOR you.

Ariesagain

I think the plan was for the AH to move in with the brother?

It's not my life and we can't really live in your shoes, AG. It does seem like you and your family are shielding your husband in a lot of ways from experiencing the consequences of his using. He's not the victim here. And soon there will be a real baby that deserves to be the center of the universe.

I reread your threads and from what you've told us it seems like his parents are not all that dysfunctional at least in terms of calling your husband out on his actions and not enabling him. It's not surprising that your husband is hiding this development from them.

We all wish you and the baby the very best, I hope you feel that here.

aliciagr

No Puzzled I dont think your harsh. Your comments about how he needs to get his act together and prove himself are very much like what my dad said in our discussion. He said that its my choice if I want to forgive him for what he did, but that he thinks he needs to get himself straightened out, productive and centered before he is worthy of being back in my life as an equal partner. I told him that I agree.

Aries is right. My brother offered to let him stay with him for a while. I worry a little they might have arguments because my brother is not as restrained as my dad knows how to be. I told him that and he said it would be fine. ??

We used to live close to my parents but sold our house to relocate. So selling our house and all that will take some time. Its something we had been thinking about for months anyway, but this pushed that choice. I dont want to live on my own right now, and I dont know his feelings about himself. We havent talked about it. He isnt being obnoxious or pushy when we talk. He keeps asking how Im feeling, and tells me how sorry he is, and how he will fix the mess he made. He has been talking to my dad and I think told him a bunch of stuff Im surprised he would discuss but its probably good for him. I told him to do what he needs to do for himself right now and we will figure things out later.

I cant focus on him right now. Im not forcing any one to do anything for him so they are free to do what they want. I think they are all following their own conscious and look back on their own history with him, and I have said not to deny him family support because of me. I dont want to punish him so if he can maintain those relationships then its on him to do it or not. They are not babies who cant decide for themselves what they are willing to do or not do.

dandylion

Alicia....resting and self care is the important priority, right now. It is a blessing that your mother can stay with you in your house, right now.
More will be revealed...and things will unfold as they are going to unfold.....
I think you are right that all the others are adults who can manage for themselves. right now.....
You can meet the challenges that may come up...as they come up.....
Try to be at peace, as much as you can.....

LexieCat

I have to say, alicia, I think you're starting to get your priorities in order. Things may be uncertain right now, but I think uncertainty is preferable to forging ahead based on blind hope. Let the dust settle, and yes, enjoy some much-needed peace and space.

Hugs,

PuzzledHeart

Oh good Lord, that will teach me never to post anything immediately after work. I have no idea how I misread that.

But I wanted to go back to your first post on this thread...

Maybe I'm wrong, but I suspect that the reason why your family is so generous with your husband is because they're taking cues from you. I wonder what would happen if you asked them what they wanted. Perhaps they would say that they would like to continue hosting him. Perhaps not. Then again, as you said, they are grown-ups and nothing is stopping them from doing what they are already doing.

That said, you don't have to make a decision this second, this minute, or even tomorrow.

Take care, and I promise to read much more carefully in the future before working myself into a tizzy.

aliciagr

Dont worry about it Puzzled. I misread things sometimes too. Im sure we all do.

I think what I may not have made clear is that my family has never had problems with my husband. After we moved he began using drugs which was something back from his college days. This is also when his drinking escalated. He drank normally until the drug use last year.

My point is, what they know now is how bad it got last year, what was going on in our lives when it started, and what we have both done since to deal with it. There was never any bad behavior with any of them. No one is angry that he lapsed back onto substances due to the way we understand how it works. I think they feel more disappointed and concerned about the skills he has to handle life issues in a healthy way. Its a primary concern for me too.

They are angry over his actions and how he treated me. They are also disappointed that I didnt ask them for help. They also know all he went through for about half a year now to take responsibility for what he did, and to work with a therapist on his coping and addiction issues. Plus they know I saw a therapist, and that we have been in marriage counseling for months and I felt like it was all sincere on his part, so this latest thing came out and was incredibly hurtful and because of the baby and its health everything became very confusing.

Im not sure how to explain my feelings to anyone here because we had worked hard to deal with a lot of serious hurts and issues in our marriage sessions, and I felt we were in a good place. I dont know how all that fits in with now knowing he also cheated and broke that commitment. I havent figured any of it out, and I cant focus on it right now because I need to stay as emotionally balanced as I can with my pregnancy.

I know if I asked my family to please not associate with him then would do that for me. But I think they also feel like what happened is between us, and they will help support me as I work through it. And I think they feel like he is still family and they do care about him, so there is a willingness to be there for him as he tries to get himself back together. He has been making an effort which I think makes a difference. That is basically whats been expressed to me.

dandylion

Alicia...it seems l ike you have an amazingly supportive family. That is a blessing....
Self care for yourself and the baby is the number one priority, now....

PuzzledHeart

I'm so glad you're focussing on you and the baby.

I'm a big fan of the Dear Sugar podcast, and they've just reissued their 4-part series on infidelity. Cheryl Strayed, one of the hosts, was both the cheater and the cheated (different partners), so while she has an especially compassionate view of infidelity she also knows how painful it is to be betrayed. Steve Almond has some great insights as well. And together, I find their voices to be so soothing that even though the topics they cover are incredibly stress-inducing, I am almost lulled against my will to a place of acceptance.

Dear Sugar Radio

PS. The recaps are NOT transcripts. If you have the time, listen to the entire podcast.

aliciagr

Thanks for thinking of me when you saw this Puzzled, I will read through it. Im feeling like its not a cut and dry issue, and while it hurts A LOT, there was a lot went into it, and not much had anything to do with me or our relationship. It was mostly about him. I dont feel to blame in any way which is a true blessing.