I just need to talk to people who understand- it's over
 

So from around Jan things were not good and I couldn't figure out what was going on. AH had still not drank since may except that bender in Jan.
He moved out the start of march saying he needed space and we could get counselling. I didn't see it coming I was devastated.

Went round and found bottles in the in he admitted he was back drinking and I was the only one that ever had a problem and he could control it.

None of that matters as I found out he was sleeping with someone within 2 weeks of leaving. Also found out he was sleeping with our 21 year old granny flat tenant from dec-feb. He lied his ass off of course but I messaged her and also managed to read his text on iMessage.

So I'm grieving for the loss. 15 years marriage and I've tried so damn hard. I feel like I'm broken and no one will
Ever want me as the other woman is 15 years younger. I'm struggling with the 3 kids and their schedules. We still have the same finances also I have to figure out and see a lawyer. My kids don't get to see him much any more as his shift work is everywhere he has offered to come round and see them but it's so painful still.

Any advice would be appreciated as people have always been so kind here. I'm a mess.

well goodness, that's a lot of body blows all at once. your head must be spinning, hon!!

what an utter putz. ugh.

i'm not going to say it's for the best or that it will all be ok - not right now anyways. lol it's good you are thinking of the finances and seeing an attorney - those are crucial components to getting thru this in one piece.

for now just a big ole hug....or six! :grouphug:

Hon,
I am so sorry, you sound so sad. I know it is overwhelming right now. All you can do is get through today, not tomorrow or next week. Take one day at a time.

Yes, I would reach out to an attorney. As much as it hurts, he obviously has moved "on" in his life, if you can call it that. I know it is hard for you to grasp, but he gifted you this, by leaving. You joined here back in Nov. 2012. You have put up with more then I am sure people would comprehend, and oh boy I am sure you tried to Save the marriage.

I divorced my axh after 34 years together. It was gut wrenching and the most painful thing I have ever gone through, but I survived, and you will too. My life is so calm. I am in control. I am happy. I know you can't see it now, but you will be ok. You will have many very bad days, but those days will lesson in time.

Keep sticking around, posting, asking questions. There are many of us who have walked this painful path, and we can help, or just send you a virtual hug for support. We do care and we are all here for you, my friend.

I'd start by thinking about what you do have say-so about that is your self-perception. The fear that no one will ever want us is a powerful fear indeed and likely is driving much of your thought right now, but remember that it is just a fear - not Truth. The world is full of many examples to the contrary of this fear. For a woman, this particular fear can decimate her entire life, it's that powerful.

You'll get some wonderful responses here about what to do in terms of him, but I just wanted to address this one aspect of your post. Our self-perception is everything and sets us up for how we perceive all of life. It's also the one aspect of life that we have complete control over - that's the good news.

I am so sorry you're going through this. It probably feels like hell right now.

I'm 18 months into recovering from the trauma of my husband's secret double life so I feel your pain.

It's brilliant that you are posting here. Keep talking, scream and shout, vent and we will be here.

I'm sorry for your pain. I'd get that meeting with the lawyer set up ASAP--having him "stop around" to see the kids is not a great idea. How old are the kids?

You may FEEL "broken" now, but trust me, you aren't broken. There is nothing wrong with you that caused any of this, and once you have healed there is nothing wrong with you that will prevent you from finding a happy, healthy relationship in the future. You're not damaged goods. This isn't your destiny--there is a happy future out there for you. It just takes some time to get there.

Many hugs. I know you have a lot on your plate, but if you could try to work in some therapy to help you process everything, it would be a great investment in your own healing.

Big Hugs Lola...a similar thing happened to me, almost 6 months ago now. I am still on a rollercoaster of emotions at times but when I am up I realise how lucky I am to not be living with a relapsing/drinking AH anymore. He is off partying and pretending he is single - which hopefully he will be this Summer.

Life is still difficult at times emotionally and financially but my daughters are happier and I feel more in control of my life than I have done for a long time.
Be gentle with yourself. Try to enjoy the freedom from worrying about the A.
It will get better with time

Hi Lolita - I don't have much time this morning so I want to say three quick things:
1. I'm so sorry.
2. See an attorney.
3. Self care. Self Care, Self care.

Everything else can wait. Change the kids schedules a bit if you have to so you can get your head above water. The most important thing is that you're as strong as you can be to deal with all of this stuff.

lolitolalola.....I want to pick up on FallenAngelina's ppst....don't let the age thing throw you.....
Men of quality....and, I know that you would want quality.....are not so shallow as to choose a partner based solely on age....
In fact, I have dated men who were younger than me...the fact that I was older than them didn't seem to have any effect on how attracted they were to me....I'm just saying....
Actually, some have been older and some were younger....
I really do get it, that your self esteem has taken a hit.....
But, as the pieces of your life come together, that will change, also.....

He sounds like he might be a bit of a Run Around Rob, so I wouldn't predict that he will stick with a woman of any age (in a faithful way)......

What devastation I cannot even imagine how you feel, alcoholism stinks and lying cheating alcoholics stink even more!! I am very sorry you are going through this. Yes, get to an attorney and protect yourself and your children.
Do you have a support system like family and close friends who can help you with the children and give you some relief from being the only parent 24/7? Like is grandma close by for an overnight with the kiddies?

Big hugs to you.

This is your chance, mama - a fresh, HEALTHY start.

I don't know what you believe, but it's been my experience that when I drag my heels too much with something that wasn't meant for me, the universe gives me a nice shove and just forces me....and it's ALWAYS turned out to be a blessing.

Hang in there, this is pretty raw. It will pass, and you have nothing to be afraid of!

Oh sweetie, I am sorry.

As far as the kids, I have learned to depending on my XAH for absolutely nothing, and that is what I get. He pays his meager child support, and that's all. No help taking them anywhere, etc. I have learned to make it work, and you will too.

Tight hugs to you.

Ugh I am so sorry. Lots of body blows indeed.

Similar story - so I can relate to your pain (although in my case OW was older than me and an unemployed addict)

I felt like no one would ever want me either and I am 14 years younger than XAH. Age is not a factor. XAH likes to add insult to injury; he spent hours early on post divorce explaining to me why no one would ever want me. Reasons ranged from being psychotic to being bad in bed and not affectionate.

Fast track to today (1 year later)

I currently have not one but two "interests" - one I just met, and second one appears to be trying to bust out of friend zone. I could be wrong but I sure am having fun. Both are 5 -7 years my junior. So on one end there is a surly whiny XAH who explains how undesirable I am every chance he gets to take a stab at me, on the other hand there are two handsome younger men who buy me lunches, coffees, hopefully dinners soon.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I thank universe every day for allowing XAH to finally to show me his true colors. Never look back anymore.

You will get through this. Life well lived is a best revenge.

Hugs to you:)

"Thank you God for what you have given me.
Thank you God for what you have not given me.
Thank you God for what you have taken away."

My favorite prayer! Sometimes...crap gets taken away, when we were holding it close! But it was yucky & small & stinky & inadequate...
Taken away, but good riddance!
Plus, our hands are free to hold other, better things!!

Thank you for the support when I posted a few months back. I literally was in such a bad place I couldn't answer.

It's been 5 months now and still tough. Ex has opted out of parenting except for 2 nights a fortnight with my small kids. My 13 yr old daughter won't go to him at all. He is now with his 4th woman a 26 year old and apparently madly in love he says.

The lawyer said to hold on to managing finances as he hasn't suggested different and he really only seems to buy booze and cigarettes. Frequently stinks of alcohol when I see him. This makes me so grateful I no longer have to deal with all the lies and the control the amount of alcohol. So so so glad I would never take him back.
I'm still healing and wondering if I will ever meet anyone else as all I do is work and parent 3 kids. It's so so hard! And he just goes out and apparently has such a great relationship with this girl. I feel it looks like it was my fault as I'm still single. I know it's not true but still.

I'm so much stronger anyways

I feel it looks like it was my fault as I'm still single.

to whom? it's been five months, you are still "getting out" of this relationship - emotionally and mentally. there isn't some contest to see who can hook up the fastest.

give yourself time. you have enough on your plate without the pressure to FIND someone. that would be about the last thing you need right now! just take care of you and the kids.

It's raw and brutal early on, as you say, but give it a bit of time. You may find that before too long, you enjoy being single. I never thought I'd say that. Always had to have a SO, but I'm mid 40's, single dad, I don't date, and to be honest, I love it. Give it some time.

Hi, lolitalola.
Sorry for your sadness, but glad you are here.
I know it doesn't seem so now, but you have been given a great gift: life without an alcoholic a**hat.
Can you flip the script a bit in your head?
No more drunken shenanigans that you have to clean up. He's some other woman's worry now.
And I bet he picks the young ones because they don't know any better yet.
He's been through several girlfriends since leaving.
Hmmmm.
And...nothing worse than an aging drunk. Health, mental issues. It all gets worse.
Believe me, hard as it is, you are far better off without him.
Not to mention that you are a strong role model for your children, especially your daughter.
Children who grow up in an alcoholic household are deeply affected by it, though we often like to think that they aren't .
Hang in there. Things will get better in time.
Try not to worry about what the future will bring. We can't know.
Believe in yourself.
Peace.

Time does heal, and makes things easier. I promise.

Big hugs.