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I'm not crazy...am I?

Old 05-01-2017, 12:11 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by loveandmagic View Post
We truly had no other issues outside of his drinking.
This is not true. It's what many of us codies believe but it is absolutely not so.


Originally Posted by loveandmagic View Post
The only peace I can have is knowing that his alcoholism is what destroyed us, even though he tells me that's my "scapegoat."
I am willing to bet that your friends who "made it" went through a lot of recovery themselves. It wasn't just the alcoholic who opted for recovery.
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Old 05-01-2017, 12:35 PM
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I married my second husband after a very brief period of sobriety, based in part on the fact that my first husband had remained sober almost from the beginning (he had a bit more drinking to do after his first AA meeting but got sober for good a short time later). IOW, I had the same sort of unwarranted optimism.

What I learned is that it's truly impossible to know when someone has reached the point where they're ready for recovery. One was, one was not. It's not like taking your car to the garage and getting it fixed. The car doesn't have a mind of its own--it doesn't demand to be taken down from the rack because it's just FINE, thank you very much, and blame you for having a problem with the way it's smoking and leaking oil and running on bald tires.

My second husband took himself off the rack, and continued to drive his malfunctioning way. I had to leave, because he simply wasn't THERE. He wasn't ready for recovery and it was killing me to watch him self-destruct.
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Old 05-01-2017, 12:42 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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"I still struggle with the fact that I didn't get what I truly thought I was going to get out of our time apart.... I really thought he was ready and committed to his sobriety, and we would be happy again. "

This requires acceptance.

As in "......grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

Which requires humility

Which is a huge leap towards greater maturity and self actualization.
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Old 05-01-2017, 01:06 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Although a bit different that your situation, I feel you girl. I couldn't silence myself no matter how much I tried to detach emotionally from the situation, and that's when i realized how much it affected me and i couldn't deal with it anymore. He also hated that part about me- the controlling, nagging "horrible girlfriend." He would call me a sh*tty gf when we were fighting and wished I would just act like how we were when we were friends before we started dating. Believe me I was absolutely crazy and am convinced went through serious depression and anxiety due to severe codependency. I even thought about ending my own life at one point because I was so overwhelmed. Why put yourself through that?!!

Try not to have regrets and use that relationship as a learning experience. Work on yourself, heal yourself because you have been affected by his drinking that can spill over into future relationships, talking to friends, a therapist (even if they have kids-they are your friends and are there to support you. I broke up with my bf like 5x and i thought my friends were sick of hearing about it, but good friends are always there no matter what/how many times they have heard it) working the 12 steps of Al Anon helps, reading books etc.

It hurt me so much too and he would always say, "I'm not trying to hurt you." He just did not understand how it affected everyone around him, as long as he wasn't cursing anyone out or punching me in the face, it was ok. He went through withdrawal and had to curtail his hangovers for days at a time so he wouldn't have a damn heart attack. It was a nightmare to witness.

My boyfriend is currently not drinking, or so he says. Its been 3 weeks and he has never gone a month without drinking, but he is sure this time. Still no support from a therapist or AA, just white knuckling as he always does! I intend on ending it once i take my licensing exam because it's too much stress at once for me right now.

I'm sorry to hear that he has said he isn't in love with you anymore. Don't beat yourself up by trying to think how you could have detached more and been less "dramatic." With an alcoholic there is always something and you will never be good enough. Its how they manipulate you.

You know this is the right decision for both of you, you are just hurt that he isn't in love with you anymore, which is very painful to hear. Time will heal that, I promise. What might help you is writing down all the things you need in someone for a long term relationship, all the cons of being in a relationship with him (I'm sure there were more than just the drinking), motivating words to yourself, and a plan for moving forward to heal yourself. Also block his number. Cutting communication is THE hardest thing, but the most helpful.

Here are some motivating words to you:
• BE KIND TO YOURSELF, give it time
• We never know when our time is up on this earth, so don’t live in regret. Make the most of every day and just remember things will get better in time. Don’t think about how many years you have lived with this. Think of how many years you are going to live without it.
• Getting out of bed the next morning is an accomplishment. Know that and know that you have to take it hour-by-hour, day-by-day, for a while. There’s nothing wrong with that.
• “Apologize.” Tell your friends or family who you’ve ignored while you were blissfully happy in your relationship that you apologize for treating them as such now that it’s over. Tell your ex if you have something to apologize for. Say it, mean it and move on, but don’t prolong it. There is a window of time to act within and you’ll know it.
• There is a plan for you and this was placed on your path for a reason. That reason may not reveal itself to you right away, but in due time, you’ll look back and realize that this relationship made you more appreciative of love, stronger, or showed you can care about someone else more than yourself.
• Some people you come into contact and fall in love with simply aren’t good for us and when you are honest with yourself, you are free to revel in the benefits of not being with that partner.
• It’s going to take time to get over your ex. Don’t rush it. You’ll have good days, bad ones, terrible ones and wonderful ones. They’re all equally important in the healing process.

xo
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Old 05-01-2017, 01:23 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Side note: My mom is also in recovery so she also gave me hope because she is doing so well. She is also biased because she knows what it is like and would say "you can't keep breaking up, you need to detach", "He loves you so much. That's so hard to find". ..she never fell in love. She had good intentions but she probably kept me in the relationship longer than I would have liked because she was so hopeful and thought no one would love me like he does, and that terrified me.
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Old 05-01-2017, 03:19 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Thank you Mpie for the thoughtful response. As I've said before, there's a part of me that feels like I'll never be "normal" again. I have zero alcoholics/addicts in my family, my parents have been together since they were 15, and so I gave my best and my all with unconditional love and loyalty as I've been taught, not realizing what addiction truly meant... to the point where I lost my sanity. I can rarely hang out with my friends anymore bc usually they wanna all go out for drinks, and I can't even look at alcohol or see anyone tipsy bc I hate it so much. I don't even want to experience anything remotely positive that involves alcohol bc I somehow view it as the universe being condescending.

I also struggle trying to figure out what the heck caused my issues with codependency. I have two parents who love me and support me to the moon, with no addictions... I really just loved him. I truly loved him. And people think I sound like a codependent when I say we has no issues outside of his drinking... but we really didn't. Every bad thing that's happened was always a result of him drinking, going through withdrawal, or feeling the need to drink. We were everyone's favorite couple. It just took an ugly turn over the last two months once I put my foot down with his drinking.

At the end of the day, he's an insecure, self loathing alcoholic... and that shouldn't be what I want in my life. There is a part of me that is more than hurt that he isn't in love with me anymore... I'm almost more offended than anything. Bc I know my worth, I know what I gave, I know who I am... it just confuses me to see someone who once worshiped the ground I walked on turn around and say that love is gone, the attraction is gone... when I did nothing but love and support him.
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Old 05-01-2017, 03:42 PM
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LaM, I believe you when you state you had ni other problems. I don't know how long you dated. You don't have any children together or own a house together?

Those life experiences are when issues come up. If you stayed together you may find issues coming up.
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Old 05-01-2017, 03:45 PM
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But you STOOD IN THE WAY. That's the problem, from his perspective. Your unhappiness with his drinking probably felt, to him, like a rejection of him. You can't explain the REAL issue to him in a rational way. He cannot comprehend or accept it--not without facing something he is currently unwilling to face. Nor can he explain his feelings about it to you in a rational way. You've never been an addict, so you can't understand.

This is one of those things that people simply have to accept--that their views of reality are irreconcilable, and that they no longer fit together. YOU would like for HIM to re-mold himself so you can fit together. HE would like for YOU to simply leave him and his drinking alone--again, so you could fit together. You can say all you want to, "But I'm RIGHT." It doesn't matter who's right. It is completely, utterly, beside the point. Neither one of you can convince the other--nor do you have the right to try to force someone to see things your way.

The ONLY way to achieve peace is to accept that the two of you are on different paths. Wish him well, wave goodbye, and walk YOUR path.
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Old 05-01-2017, 03:53 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hearthealth View Post
LaM, I believe you when you state you had ni other problems. I don't know how long you dated. You don't have any children together or own a house together?

Those life experiences are when issues come up. If you stayed together you may find issues coming up.
We were together for a year. It's strange to say that, because it was such an intense year, and he moved in after a few months, his family and I fell in love with each other, his mother still calls me her daughter... I'd never been so certain about wanting to marry someone, and I figured at 30, that meant something. But I didn't realize what alcoholism meant, or the extent of his alcoholism.

No house or children. He moved into my apartment, which I purposefully did, in order to maintain control of my life, because I could afford all the bills with or without him (something my mother taught me).

A big part of me putting my foot down was fear for our hypothetical future children... he is who he is bc of what his alcoholic father put him through. And I want for my children to have a confident, stable father who feels comfortable showing and accepting healthy love. Because that's who my father is. I ended the relationship bc I saw what our issues COULD have spiraled into. And reading everyone else's tragic stories, maybe I should be grateful for my foresight.

As I said, I just had so much hope for him and for us.
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Old 05-01-2017, 04:20 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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As I said, I just had so much hope for him and for us

It does hurt when you're hopes didn't match up with your new reality. It takes time to go through that greiving process but you can build a new life without him.

As for his mother, as life goes on differences may come up. They may have been close with the hopes of marrying him off. (Thats why I think they were nice to me.) My MIL and I were close at first. I thought I was closer to her then my own mother. Until I seen I wasn't just like a daughter. I was her son's wife and that was all.
Best wishes for you.
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Old 05-01-2017, 04:33 PM
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You don't have to have alcoholic parents in order to be a codependent. My parents both love and supported me in everything i did. My mom was in recovery all throughout my life and never drank, she stopped when I was born. My parents fought a lot and my dad controlled my mom/didnt accept her and i think that was my blueprint or what i thought was normal and that carried over. Maybe there was some chaos growing up that you were trying to control? It could be many things, or maybe you believe that unconditional love exists in intimate relationships (i am not speaking of parent-child relationships). This could be viewed as controversial, but having unconditional love in intimate relationships appears to suggest that no matter what someone does to you, you will still love them. My bf used to tell me love is unconditional to keep my around. I disagreed whole heartedly; I could be in an abusive relationship, he could beat me up and I could still love him. Does that mean I should stay? I used to say the same thing about having no issues outside of drinking... if only, if only he would stop...right? What about all the underlying issues that cause him to drink? Surely you can't respect someone who can't respect themselves, you can't trust him. Without respect or trust, what is there? A funny, insecure guy you get along with. That was my issue. We deserve more. You sound so similar to me, I thought i knew what love was, I'm 29, SO scared to leave and not finding someone else. Know your worth and HIS loss, and move forward.

HUGS

Last edited by Mpie9; 05-01-2017 at 04:47 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 05-01-2017, 04:43 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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I know exactly what causes my codependent but in the end it doesn't really make a difference.
I recognize my behaviors and work in changing those behaviors. If he doesn't treat you like your supportive parents he most likely never will.
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Old 05-01-2017, 06:17 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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he is who he is bc of what his alcoholic father put him through.

yeah, NO.

that's trying to find an EXCUSE for his inexcusable behaviors, which you stated in part to be:

He's been arrested 15 times, he's been beaten up without knowing what happened, he's woken up in jail with a broken arm not knowing how he got there, he's been peeled off the cement and taken to a gas station by a helpful stranger who called me to come and get him, he lost his career due to embarrassing himself due to his drinking

a lot of us had lousy childhoods, with alcoholic or abusive parents, and not every one of us had that kind of alcoholic rap sheet. in fact often the predictable trait of the ACOA is to be OVERLY-responsible, over-achievers, those who care about others too much.

knowing or finding all this out didn't deter you.....somehow you found someone with this laundry list of bad behavior ATTRACTIVE indicates you chose to look past those things and see what you wanted to see.
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Old 05-01-2017, 06:38 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
he is who he is bc of what his alcoholic father put him through.

yeah, NO.

that's trying to find an EXCUSE for his inexcusable behaviors, which you stated in part to be:

He's been arrested 15 times, he's been beaten up without knowing what happened, he's woken up in jail with a broken arm not knowing how he got there, he's been peeled off the cement and taken to a gas station by a helpful stranger who called me to come and get him, he lost his career due to embarrassing himself due to his drinking

a lot of us had lousy childhoods, with alcoholic or abusive parents, and not every one of us had that kind of alcoholic rap sheet. in fact often the predictable trait of the ACOA is to be OVERLY-responsible, over-achievers, those who care about others too much.

knowing or finding all this out didn't deter you.....somehow you found someone with this laundry list of bad behavior ATTRACTIVE indicates you chose to look past those things and see what you wanted to see.
Many of those things (aside me coming to get him from the gas station) happened years prior to our relationship. When we started dating, his life was in a seemingly great place in comparison, he was going to weekly therapy... the incident that happened was what made me put my foot down with his drinking... he started going to aa, went to therapy more regularly, and still maintained his love, respect and thoughtfulness towards me, until the last 2 months of our relationship. I looked past those things because I believed in him, I believed people can better themselves, he HAD bettered himself significantly, he had a good heart and gave me wonderful love and care until the last 2 months, and I didn't have extensive knowledge on addiction... until the last couple months where I changed my approach. And when I wasn't getting what I needed, and when I saw him discontinue taking care of himself, when I saw a shift in his behavior, I gave him 2 months, and then I made my decision to separate for a bit.

Please don't assume you know the details of our relationship or assume that I fabricated my vision of him. he was good to himself and amazing to me until he wasn't anymore, and I only put up with it for 2 months. Had I stayed for years, it would be a different story.
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Old 05-02-2017, 05:11 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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LnM, I see myself in lot of the things you said. I also see who I was a month after the break up. I kept defending him(I still do, to an extent) and I kept telling myself he is a wonderful guy and alcohol was the only problem BUT as I attended more therapy sessions and opened up, I realized, Alcohol was just the tip of the iceberg. Alcoholics *usually* have other issues due to which they self medicate. Even if not, the personality problems are still there. From time to time, when I see a pic of him or some of his messages, I forget that he is an alcoholic and see him just as an exb but the disease is still there inside whether I want to admit it or not. We know the progression of the illness. The logical trajectory of anyone with an alcohol problem. Please don't take this the wrong way but you're as delusional as I was a month ago. Please please, read "Addiction relationships and lies". You will see yourself in the article and your ex too, just as I did. My ex adored me, so to speak and NOTHING I said or did seemed to bother him as long as he could drink. As I came more and more in the way of his drinking, he started doing sneakier things like hiding and drinking in the mornings but I still denied it to myself and I was SO SURE that he wouldn't leave no matter what and that I had time to "fix" him. He left, obviously. He didn't even break up with me. Never had any discussion. Just woke up one morning next to me and left. I still yearn to hold him and love him but when I think about long term and if I could ever trust him, the answer is no. Cos I can't trust someone who doesn't have basic human courtesy to break up with someone they've been living with for 5 f8cking years. In time, you too will see things as they are and I hope you get professional help to sift through the issues. Hugs.
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Old 05-02-2017, 05:51 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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Dear Loveandmagic
You were together a year. I was together with my ex 14 years. Some of us were together over 30 years.
Go to church.
Join a gym and go sit in the hot tub.
Get a hobby.

You have so much to give and to live for.

Believe me when I tell you this will get better.
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Old 05-02-2017, 06:29 AM
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We were together for a year. It's strange to say that, because it was such an intense year, and he moved in after a few months,
4 months after my boyfriend moved in, things of this nature began happening. He promised he'd change, stay sober... it lasted 2-4 weeks at most, and then another 3 day binder, 3 days of withdrawals, sometimes a busted face, sometimes blood, always hell.
When we started dating, his life was in a seemingly great place in comparison, he was going to weekly therapy... the incident that happened was what made me put my foot down with his drinking... he started going to aa, went to therapy more regularly, and still maintained his love, respect and thoughtfulness towards me, until the last 2 months of our relationship. I looked past those things because I believed in him, I believed people can better themselves, he HAD bettered himself significantly, he had a good heart and gave me wonderful love and care until the last 2 months,
I think one of the road blocks in our own healing is when we distort reality. Like it says on the sideview mirror of cars……objects appear closer than they are.

You were with someone you fell deeply in love with BUT he needed to change, he needed to NOT be exactly who he was in order for you to be happy……humm

It’s always a disaster when we fall in love with potential rather than reality.
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Old 05-02-2017, 07:45 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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Thank you Mpie for the thoughtful response. As I've said before, there's a part of me that feels like I'll never be "normal" again. I have zero alcoholics/addicts in my family, my parents have been together since they were 15, and so I gave my best and my all with unconditional love and loyalty as I've been taught, not realizing what addiction truly meant... to the point where I lost my sanity. I can rarely hang out with my friends anymore bc usually they wanna all go out for drinks, and I can't even look at alcohol or see anyone tipsy bc I hate it so much. I don't even want to experience anything remotely positive that involves alcohol bc I somehow view it as the universe being condescending.
.
I grew up in the same kind of home, and could not for the life of me understand where my codependency came from . The book 'Conquering Codependency and Shame' helped me SO MUCH in seeing some of the roots of my issues!
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Old 05-02-2017, 07:51 AM
  # 59 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by loveandmagic View Post
.... how would he know how much I'm hurting, how much I worry, how much I'm breaking in order to put effort into fixing anything? .....he just chose to continue drinking and to [get] rid of me and everything beautiful we had together.
Loveandmagic, my intent is not to be mean, but to perhaps encourage you to see your part in this - not so that you can make things better with your XBF, but so that what you can learn and benefit for your next relationship. Seeing his drinking as your relationship's one and only problem is codependent. Anyone who gets wrapped up in efforts to fix life with an alcoholic is thinking codependent. You do not have to have grown up in an alcoholic household to have developed codependent ways. My parents have been married for 50 years and there is no alcohol abuse anywhere in our extended family, yet I see now how I have repeatedly been drawn to wonderful men who, as I used to say, would have been perfect for me if only they had not drank so much. I've known about Al-Anon for decades, but always thought it was for people who were ACoAs or in abusive relationships - neither of which ever applied to me. The men I was with were loving and capable with one fatal flaw: drinking. When I finally got myself to Al-Anon, I started seeing how my life would only improve (AKA: lose my attraction to alcoholics) if I recognized the many ways in which I responded emotionally in these relationships. I began to see my part in things and that there just can't be a relationship without two people making it happen. Whatever is happening, it always takes two to create it. In Al-Anon, I am learning how I can see things differently so that I can have a beautiful life, whether anyone is drinking or not.

Al-Anon may not be of interest to you and it's only one avenue, but self-reflection is important for every person who worries about an alcoholic or tries to fix or even monitor the drinking. Without seeing our part, we can separate from the alcoholic, but we will just repeat the same codependent relationship with a different person who may not even be an alcoholic, but will be a fellow codie for sure. Cutting the alcoholic out of our lives is only the first step. To truly move on and come to a better place, we must see why we were so attracted to this person to begin with.
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Old 05-02-2017, 09:09 AM
  # 60 (permalink)  
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Thank you Angelina

I have been doing a lot of self reflection. This was my first relationship with an alcoholic but if I'm honest it wasn't my first codependent relationship.

Each of my relationships has been about me "trying to save the bird with the broken wing".

And a lot of it I'm finding has to do with my own low self worth. I feel like I'm not good enough for a woman who already has her life together so I have to settle for a fixer upper.

I think most of that has to do with my looks and how I feel about them. I have a great sense of humor, great job, plenty of $$, own my home... blah blah blah. But in the looks department I'm well below average. I'm shorter than my friends and short for a guy (5'8") and not someone that any girl would look twice at.

And that is something I have to come to terms with. Women I'm attracted to physically are not attracted to me.
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