Casseopia

Good morning all,

I'm in the middle of a divorce from my (now clean) ex. We had just got married (18 months ago) when he crashed and burned (his addictions were a complete secret from me so I'm still having a hard time dealing with the trauma)

So - he met someone in rehab. They've been on and off. She sounds ******* crazy and keeps contacting me. She first contacted me when they broke up last year, telling me every single detail of their relationship. I mean - who even does that?!! That set me back a good few months.

My ex and I are finalising the divorce. On an emotional level, I am still finding it very hard but I am getting there. I mean, the ink was barely dry on our wedding certificate when his addictions came tumbling out of the closet and he went straight into rehab.

On a practical level - I have paid for the divorce so far, with the understanding he would pay me when he had it.

So - he's now moved in with crazy rehab girl. Apparently - according to another unsolicited message from her - they are trying to get pregnant and getting married. Um OK. Two addicts fresh from rehab, one who had only just got married and isn't even divorced yet. Sounds like a recipe for eternal love but anyway...

I emailed him yesterday (I am all for no contact but there are a few things to resolve in the divorce - I have restricted contact to email only). I try to keep it mostly practical - but I did ask how we was and said I hoped recovery was going well but nothing more personal than this.

I have asked him, before I send back the next set of papers, when he is going to pay me for his part of the divorce. Believe me, it took every inch of restraint to not fire off the angriest email and keep it as practical as I did. I am absolutely furious that he is leaving me to clean up his mess AND pay for it while he absolves himself of all responsibility and makes plans for children and to marry again. Apart from being desperately hurt (we'd only just got married so I am having a hard time letting go emotionally) I am also very angry on a practical level. Why am I organising and paying for this divorce while he skips off into the sunset? (OK I've romanticised that but that is kind of how it feels)

So this morning, I get another message from crazy rehab girl. I have blocked her everywhere and in every way she's tried to contact me so she has resorted to my Facebook business page. She tells me I need to leave him alone, he is depressed and bipolar. In her words - send the papers, leave us alone and move on. My response was: I have told you before to stop contacting me and I will not tell you again. The end of my marriage is none of your business.

I am having to accept I will not get emotional closure but if he can afford a new life, marriage, kids, a new house, etc - there is no way I am just going to play along sweetly and pay for this divorce because he is depressed. I am at my limit with making allowances for him.

Apart from needing to rant (thank you for listening...) I also need to not stir this situation any more than it already is while not being massively taken advantage of.

None of this has been fair and I'm not whining about that - I do have an insight into his fear and shame, what led him to where he is and I try to understand as best I can and I also get that life isn't fair. But I am not letting the two of them gang up on me and push me around when what I am asking for is a) more than fair considering the circumstances b) what we had already agreed.

Please hold me back from emailing him!

Jo2017

Hi Cass-can't offer much advice as I'm talking myself out of texting my AH right now. Just wanted you to know you are not alone & I'm sorry you are having to go through this. You sound very strong & if you're like me you are sick & tired of being told how strong you are!

Casseopia

Thank you Jo. I actually appreciate when people say I'm being strong because it doesn't always feel like it to me. I feel weak for having got involved. Weak for believing in him and believing in us. And weak that when I contact him about the divorce, I quietly hope for some kind words from him, or a heartfelt apology or that he's at the stage to make amends and I might hear some truths and explanations that would make me feel better and set me free. I know I will probably never get those things but it doesn't stop me hoping.

So when people tell me I'm being strong, it reminds me that I have survived this far under very emotionally turbulent circumstances, I have tried my best to be understanding and it also reminds me that I need to continue to find ways to forgive myself because some days all I can see are my own faults and stupidity for not seeing that I'd been attracted to addicts my whole life. Forgiveness is coming but it seems an uphill battle some days. Messages from crazy rehab girl do not help. They always set me back. I have blocked her from every way of contacting me and I pray she does not get hold of my email address or postal address.

What is hurtful is wondering what he is saying to her that makes her believe she can speak to me like that. There is obviously a lack of understanding or respect coming from him which is making her believe I am just some irritating ex that she needs to try and get rid of.

At this point I am still his wife and until very recently I was the love of his life and his best friend. Now I am nothing more than an irritant that needs to be managed. I cannot let this destroy my self confidence but the whole situation makes me feel like I was nothing and worse, that I have no right to ask for what I need as we separate.

So tell me... why are you contacting your ex? What do you hope to achieve? I don't know your circumstances but it sounds like you want to but know you shouldn't...

Jo2017

I totally understand-sometimes I guess I get tired of being the strong one though. Single parent, working full time, financial issues, health issues-just want to run away sometimes! My husband and i will be married 18 years on May 15 but living off & on apart for last 16 months. Alcohol has been a problem for a long time but last 8 years have been progressively worse. Lost his job 14 months ago due to DUI. He's had 5 altogether & is currently looking at jail time although he usually manages to squeak by. 2 stints in rehab-last one came home drunk & I found love letters from girl he met there. Now living with her. We put our house up for sale last week & while he was here told me he still loves me & wants to come back. I started to slip into my old pattern of thinking maybe...but caught him in another lie tonight & very much want to confront him. Sorry for long post!

D122y

Cass et al,

Read your posts and between the lines it reads...normal people dealing with active addicts.

Active addicts can be totally insane at random times. Their brain is infused with booze. It messes w the curcuits.

Normal folks tend to be stable and consitant.

When dealing w active addicts it is best to run away. Common sense does not apply to them. You can't save them. Only they can save themselves.

Thanks.

PhoenixJ

Put a snake and a mongoose in a box and watch the disaster happen. This rehab romance is a depend romance. There will be no riding off into the sunset- just to an ER I think. You know that of course. It is a part of the actively addicted mind- find something to feel better and hold on! You are obviously strong in maintaining barriers. As to the financial stuff with the divorce- well that just sucks. BOTH parties, imo need to do this. but wtf, I was the aclie that destroyedmy marriage. Only thru sobriety and learning from stories like your did I put on my big boys pants. Empathy to you. The emotional stuff is crap- you do not need negative affirmation of that. Thanks for posting, once again I learn. Support also to you. Keep up your life. So good you took hold of this so early in life- not 20 years later. As for crazy lady- delusional addictive thinking- addictive co-dependency mistaken as love. I am at the tail end of a recovery thing (Salvo's- 15 months sober)- there was a guy there who did just that. Met crazy woman of his dreams in rehab. Got married, had a child. Salvo program set him up with a long term tenancy in a good area- and found him a steady job. Within a year his multiple addictions (drugs, gambling, alcohol) landed him in jail. His wife had just been chucked from her 2nd rehab for drinking hand sanitiser- and he was chucked out of the one I am in for loading up on benzo's and lordy knows what.

Better off are you.

LexieCat

Here's how I would look at it--do what you have to do to get free of this guy. Ignore the g/f. If the contact becomes at all threatening or more over-the-top than it already is, tell her if she continues to bother you, you will file a complaint for harassment. Tell her you don't want to do that, but if she persists you will have no choice. Keep your opinions about him, her, and their relationship out of it. If it ever does reach the point where you have to involve the police, you want your end of things to be squeaky-clean, right?

There's light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there.

Nata1980

Yep, ignore the g/f

I feel for you - yikes.

I had my XAH's secret "fling" contact me and tell me that he loved me and he had a disease. How enlightening. Oh and she was drunk out of her mind when she was calling me.

As for paying for D - I did that and it was money well spent. I think of it as some form of higher power/cosmic forces tax.

Good luck - you can get through this and come out stronger than ever. And I would not hesitate filing a harrasment complaint if not-so-sober ladyfriend insists on calling again.

Casseopia

I'm so sorry to hear this Jo. I wish I could advise but this is all new to me and there are better informed and wiser souls than me here who could advise you better than I could. All I can offer is my support while you go through this journey. We're in the same boat, you are not alone and you CAN do this!

hopeful4

I would keep moving forward. Don't speak to her, IGNORE. And, have it put into the divorce that he has to pay for half the fees. In my state that's pretty simple to do.

You are right, you won't ever get the emotional closure you deserve. None of us ever do. However, if you keep moving forward you will come to accept that.

Tight hugs.

Casseopia

Thank you. Was it Buddah who said something like: suffering is to be found in the gap between what is and what you hoped it would be? I have tried to remember this concept as I grieve. Accepting What Is must surely be one of the keys to emotional peace?

Thank you for reminding me that I am dealing with two addicts fresh from rehab and therefore their responses often throw me off kilter. And there's the gap between what I hope for and what IS. I'm hoping for a kind, compassionate and fair divorce but these are two very vulnerable people whose emotional responses and sense of fairness are all over the place.

I will keep reading, working towards understanding and on forgiving myself - which is the biggest one of all for me.

Ladybird579

My exah has had two flings on the back of rehab..one with a woman he met there and now one with a man. It's just an in it together type thing and never lasts. LMAO at Phoenix's analogy of them riding off to ER but that more likely the truth of it.

I wonder could you get a lawyer to do the divorce work so you do not have to contact him anymore?

Casseopia

Thank you Phoenix. As you learn, I learn. The stories of an addict's mindset are helpful to me. I do need constantly reminding that I am not dealing with a rational, sane person. It helps. Why I struggle with it, is because he was such a highly-functioning addict that I had NO idea for four years. He seemed rational, sane, compassionate and together and my brain struggles to now redefine him as unwell. He wore his very shiny, high-functioning, high-flying mask very, very well.

PS - Are you related to Yoda...? 'Better off are you...'!

Casseopia

Thank you Lexie. You have all been really helpful. I'm learning.

firebolt

Whole - ley! You've been through hell and back!

I know it probably only feels like it sporadically, but she did you the favor of the century, and thank God it didn't all happen 15 years and a bunch of kids into the marriage!

I'm sure it's difficult to not fire back to them - you get the the Zen award of the year for your restraint....keep it up, there's a light at the end of the tunnel!

Hoping you have a speedy, direct route to freedom from this mess!! You are doing great!!

Casseopia

[QUOTE=firebolt;6433662]Whole - ley! You've been through hell and back!

I know it probably only feels like it sporadically, but she did you the favor of the century, and thank God it didn't all happen 15 years and a bunch of kids into the marriage!

I'm sure it's difficult to not fire back to them - you get the the Zen award of the year for your restraint....keep it up, there's a light at the end of the tunnel!

Hoping you have a speedy, direct route to freedom from this mess!! You are doing great!!




Ha ha - great meme!

I will never fire back at her - not now. Any messages that she somehow manages to sneak past any blocks I have in place will be deleted without reading.

Him, however, I did email. (Arghhh I know, I know! I'm in the UK and I think all of the American posters were still asleep when I first posted ) I was rational, kind but firm and told him I just wanted to deal with the divorce. He didn't know she was messaging me and he was sorry. It was all I needed - an acknowledgement, to be treated with respect and an apology. Like normal, rational people do!

I need to get the No Contact in place now. I'm restarting counselling next week to work on my codependency issues and I'm looking to start AlAnon next week also. I will get through this.

Thank you all.

firebolt

Hell yes you will! Sounds like a solid, HEALTHY plan to move forward from something that was not meant for you or your precious life!!

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug. You've got this...don't let the whackadoodles throw you off your game.

Sasha1972

How much do you really need to talk to him in order to proceed with the divorce? Asking him for the money he promised and reminding him about it seems fruitless - he's too far off on a pink cloud to pay attention to what he's committed to do. As an earlier poster said, do what you need to do to get him out of your life on YOUR schedule. This may mean blasting ahead with the divorce or it may mean ignoring it for a while. He's not going to help (unless the new gf starts nagging him for a ring, then he'll be all over speeding the divorce along), so really, the question is how much work do YOU want to do right now?

My exAH hooked up in rehab too. Didn't last.

OT4Kids

I know how hard it is. It doesn't feel good now but you are saving yourself from years of drama and pain. I don't have answers but want to reinforce that you are not alone and that a lot of us have similar stories.

Take good care of yourself!