Casseopia

To be fair, I could actually just get on with the divorce and never speak to him again. However, him being able to afford his new life with wedding plans, new home and babies and leaving me to pay for the divorce made me see red. I've excused a lot of behaviour, I've put myself second far too often and now I am finally learning about boundaries and how to put myself first.

It's so ironic that in finally being able to ask for what I want and need and use boundaries in a healthy way, I have started to exercise those rights at a time when I really should be No Contact.

I would have just quietly paid for the divorce and got on with it in the past but I needed, for my own sense of self, to be able to say no, this is not good enough. I deserve better.

To be fair - the contact and the subsequent fall-out of being harassed by crazy rehab girl sent me straight here where I posted everything, read each and every reply and then went on to read lots more. It got me talking to a couple of friends who have been brilliantly helpful and supportive and it got me a LOT more energy to use in yesterday's boxing training!

The upshot of yesterday is that as painful as it was, the trauma and tears ended up with me having a good day of learning, reflection, facing some painful truths and reminded me of the path I need to stay on.

I kind of needed a reminder of how hot the fire is and not to touch it again. Writing all of this down with you guys means the scar of yesterday will be easily found when I log in again and will hopefully serve to remind me to leave the fire alone.

I start my counselling again on Tuesday - it will be all about codependency and my recovery plan.

maia1234

Cass,
I am so proud of you, you are doing amazing!!!!!

First off, I too would write off the cost of the divorce. Just get it done before your stbxah starts causing problems and costs you more money. Addicts are a pain in the a $$, and then add in crazy gf in rehab, ugh!! Take your losses and run, quickly.

I know how sad you are with the divorce and the loss of your dreams with him. I hate to say, God is gifting you this. I am one who hung on 34 years with my addict. I wasted 3/4 of my life living the nightmare. Thank him for showing you his true color's so early on in your life together. I thanked my axh for having his affair, because I was being dragged around for years with the disease of alcoholism, once the girl friend appeared, that was it.

I would get it done, and move on in life. The world is your oyster, my friend, now go and grab it.

SoloMio

Yeah, I was just about to say something along those lines.. expectations=disappointment.

When it comes to money, one thing I have learned (I actually learned it from Dave Ramsey) is that you either GIVE money or you don't. Don't lend, don't agree to promissory notes that will never transpire. If you want to give, then give, but never lend.

When you wrote that you agreed to pay for the divorce and he'd pay when he gets the money, my immediate thought was that I personally would expect to never see that money. So if you can mentally write off that debt, you'll probably be more at peace. If he gives it to you, that's gravy.

I agree with the others who have said to try to block that gf any way you can. You don't need that additional drama in your life.

FallenAngelina

This, this, this.

Decide for yourself if you want and need the divorce right now. Do you need the divorce? If not, don't proceed right now. Moving on is about deciding for yourself what you want and it's possible to move on in a big way without being divorced. If you do want the divorce ASAP, then pay for it. You'll be forever mentally tied to him if you have a "pay me back when you can" agreement, plus it will be torture all long the way.

Do you need this divorce right now?

PhoenixJ

Support

Casseopia

No I don't need or want it yet. I'm not ready. But others keep telling me it will make me feel free. It's something I feel I should do at this stage to help with my healing.

But what good will it do me to wait? How will it help?

The only reason I can think of to do it now is that we are still civil and the divorce will be also. If crazy rehab girl gets her way, it won't be. I don't know how much influence she will have.

NYCDoglvr

A very good place to start is hanging up on this woman when she calls, deleting her emails without reading them. My heart goes out to you in your pain, you will look back on this relatively brief experience and be happy you got out so soon.

FallenAngelina

Making your decision from a place of stability and empowerment rather than fear will permeate and influence this entire process. Divorce can serve you or it can drain you. When you make your own inner guidance the driving force of the process, things go much, much better - usually for everyone involved. You will find no shortage of people who will encourage you about what you "should" do. They mean well, but are basing their "shoulds" on their experience and their guidance. Only you can know yours.

This can be a wonderful turning point in your life - not just a means to part from your husband. This can be an opportunity for you to develop your commitment to making choices based on your own inner wisdom. What do you feel ready for? What feels too much for you? What do you want to do today? This episode can be torture for you, driven by fear, or it can be an expansive experience during which you show yourself just how capable and confident you can be when you quiet your mind and listen to the vast resource of guidance that lives within. Meditation, yoga, running, walking - all kinds of things can help you tune into this. My experience with divorce is that amazing and unforeseen cooperation can happen when you decide to focus on what feels right rather than on what could go wrong. You can set the tone for this process or you can let this woman set the tone. This is all about your choice.

Casseopia

Thank you. This is beautifully written, gentle and wise advice.

I initiated the divorce out of anger but I still have so much to process and learn.

I emailed him yesterday and one of the things I said was; I don't want you back. That felt very empowering to say it and mean it. And I do mean it... 98%. I can't say that if he came to my door after continuing to be clean and work the programme, that I wouldn't be tempted

I think at the heart of it, I'm tired of being the Good Girl and doing what everyone else wants. I'm not ready.

AnvilheadII

I can't say that if he came to my door after continuing to be clean and work the programme, that I wouldn't be tempted

he has more issues than just not drinking or using. he somehow managed to hide ALL his vices from you - drinking, drugs, sex sites, and god knows what. he lied to you from day one. then upon finally going to rehab he left you for someone else.

think HARD about why you would consider giving that person another go. someone who violated trust, put up a false front and then moved on to the shiny thing. and talks of marriage while still married.

it would have to be a pretty special program that could turn THAT into a responsible, worthy interest. wouldn't it????

Casseopia

It would have to be a time travelling miracle of a programme! It's 2% of me that holds on to that shred of irrational hope. But I'm working on it. I've just started Codependent No More. Currently on the chapter about Detatchment. The 2% will catch up with the other 98% soon, I hope.

Wow. Seeing it all written down like that. It's pretty horrific. I needed that.

honeypig

Good morning, Cass--just 2 quick suggestions for you:

1) Check out this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-divorce.html to see if any of it resonates w/you. It's long, but I think you might find some help in it, especially in the later pages.

2) I see no posts from you in any thread besides the 2 you've started yourself. Your voice is as important as anyone else's here; if you can read and post in other threads, it will only do you good, as well as the members you're offering support to.

Wishing you strength and clarity, Cass.

Casseopia

Thanks Honeypig. I hadn't made any other posts yet because it's still so new to me. I'll try and use my voice more. I have a feeling this community will be a lifesaver for me.

honeypig

I know it sure was for me, Cass!

And the thing about using your voice more--I know a lot of newbies feel they don't have anything to contribute, b/c they are new. They feel like unless they have answers and advice to give, they have no business speaking, but that is SO UNTRUE. Just the simplest things--"That sounds tough, but I hope you find an answer" or "I have felt that way too"--can mean so much to someone who's feeling alone and struggling.

Another way that I believe it helps people when they begin to post to other threads is that they learn that they will be heard. They will NOT be told they are wrong, they are imagining things, they are exaggerating. They are free to say what they think and feel and have others understand, something that many of us don't experience often, if at all. So there is an equal amount of benefit for each person involved, both the giver and receiver of support.

I did use Alanon as a part of my recovery b/c I felt it was important for me to get at least some of my support in the real world rather than online. After all, that IS where we live, out in the real world, so I'd best be able to handle that, right? But the lion's share of my learning and growth came here at SR. I feel it's a tremendous resource, and I also feel that the best way to benefit from it is to read and post widely. Chances are better than good that someone else has had or is having the same fears, hopes and challenges that you are having. How does that saying go? "Friendship doubles our joy and halves our grief"?

And that's all--I hope I haven't added to your burdens in any way.

Casseopia

Not at all Honeypig! And yes, we do need to be heard.

Refiner

Hi Cass... I think you said he wants to marry crazy rehab girl? If so, if you do nothing towards paying for the divorce won't that kind force him to have to pay for it?

Casseopia

I'll be honest, what I've seen and heard makes me think it won't get that far. But yes, if he means it, he will have to put some effort in.

On the other side of the coin, others have said just do it, pay for it and be free. I believe there's wisdom in those words. I'm back to counselling on Tuesday. Im going to do nothing until I start seriously tackling my own codependency. I think I'll know when I'm ready to do it.

Thanks Refiner.

maia1234

Yes, Cass you will know.

It's always when you have the strength to execute what you need to do. That is when you know you are ready. We can't force things if we just are not ready. It all falls into place, in time, when it's suppose to happen. It's out of our control.

Good luck with the therapist on Tuesday.

FallenAngelina

Lots of people divorce and are not "free." Your emotional freedom depends on the inner work you do, not on the government handing you a certificate. Yes, the divorce decree can be a Moment for you. It can support your ongoing quest for independence and hold great meaning, but nothing - absolutely nothing - but YOU can bestow or withhold your own sense of freedom.

Casseopia

Good point. Thank you. I se the paperwork as an external manifestation of letting go. I'm almost ready I think. Getting there.