Jo2017

Can't sleep-feeling sick to my stomach. Got a call from my friend late tonight saying that she saw my STBXAH's Facebook page (something he never had until we split) saying that he's in a relationship. She did a little digging & saw that his GF works for a certain company where he told me he was attending a job fair this weekend. He had made plans to take our son to laser tag but said he had to cancel for this event in order to try to find a job. This after last week asking me what it would take for me to take him back & that he will always love me. I know his lies shouldn't surprise me but I still find it hard to believe how cruel he can be. Luckily I didn't take him up on his offer but I can't say that part of me didn't have a glimmer of hope. Now I'm struggling with confronting him & releasing some of my anger or keeping it to myself. i know it won't do any good but I just want to let him know he's not getting away with anything. I hate being lied to and that always seems to be a guarantee where he's concerned. Sorry for venting.

Jo2017

I've been spending a lot of time reading on the AA's side & I feel just like they do after a relapse. He is truly my addiction.I hate being so weak when it comes to him & there is no reason for me to believe anything that comes out of his mouth yet I fall hook, line & sinker. I find myself wishing my kids were grown so I could move & never have to see him and then I feel guilty wishing their childhoods away. I know I need to move forward with divorce but feel so paralyzed.

PhoenixJ

Do not be sorry for being human. You feel used- 'violated' emotionally? Addiction and those who are actively pursuing it- believe their own lies- regardless of how irrational, destructive or stupid they are. I pity the next girl in his destructive journey. You are better off. May I suggest your friend- you just NOT look at what he is doing? I can not help you and it is out of your control.
My empathy, compassion and support to you. Keep posting. Lots of good words in the threads.

LexieCat

In what way is he "getting away" with something? You're separated. He's not interested in getting sober. I would just move ahead with the divorce. Ignore the quackery that comes out of his mouth--it's pretty obvious that whatever feelings he has for you are overpowered by his need to keep drinking. You don't want that, right? So there is zero point in "confronting" him--it will NOT bring you any relief, and it will make whatever cooperation you might have gotten during the divorce less likely.

And yes, I'd suggest staying OFF his FB page, and telling your friend you don't want any further reports on what he's up to.

tomsteve

something I had to learn: when friends would start telling me what my X was doing, I was allowed to set boundaries with those friends and tell them I don't want to hear it.

firebolt

Just big hugs to you!

THey drink to feel better about life - they use other people to do the same.

And we kinda do too....no interaction with him is going to make you feel better - only worse. Hang in there, the best revenge is living a good life for yourself!

Nata1980

I'd ask this friend not to speak to me about him. She can do all the Facebook creeping she wants. My friend works at the same place as my XAH and she knows better than that - XAH was actually offended that she refused to chat with him when he ran into her.

I got off the Facebook for a reason that I did not want to see XAH or my friends being "friends" with XAH. I got off the FB the moment he got on, and several of my friends texted me that he sent them friend requests. I told them it is truly up to them whether they choose to maintain some sort of "relationship" with him - I no longer associate with him other than for the purpose of parenting (which he is avoiding anyway so it is limited)

Jo2017

Thank you so much for your replies--I was actually thinking of all of you when she asked me if I wanted to know what she found out. I think I actually heard you all shouting "No!" Guess I'm as sick as my qualifier b/c I jumped right in. Feeling a little better today-I know he is not good for me on every level there is - and guess I took another step forward by not arguing with him over it. Baby steps...just not looking forward to another weekend knowing he is out with his GF.

firebolt

We've all done it - your friend basically dangled a drink in front of a newly sober alcoholic. Lesson learned!!

NYCDoglvr

I would ask the friend NOT to tell me what she saw on FB. You don't have to have any contact with him, just let him go. I know it's not easy, it's a process that's worth the effort if you want a pain-free life.

atalose

Imagine how sick the GF must be to jump into a relationship with someone who’s still legally married, an alcoholic and has no job!! She’s not getting a prize here honey!!! You are......your freedom!!!

Jo2017

Oh to have the self esteem to believe that! I made a list of all the things he has done over the course of our relationship that have been disrespectful & mean towards me or kids & it is quite a list. If anyone I loved was with someone like this I would have them forcibly removed! So why can't I be that kind to myself? Maybe I'm a lost cause.

LexieCat

You're not a lost cause, believe me. It's a process. First, you need to extricate yourself. And you need to expend the kind of effort on your own healing that you've expended in the name of trying to hold onto this doomed relationship. THAT's when you start having the room to develop some healthy self-esteem.

AnvilheadII

when i first got sober, i was maybe three days sober and a friend of my invited me to come see the boat he had been rebuilding/refurbishing. i said sure as i was really interested to see what he had done and i grew up around boats. (my mom was the commodore of the yacht club for two terms in our town in alaska...).

so he gives me the tour, shows me all the work he's done and we settle down in the hold at the table. he pulls out a pot pipe, loads it, takes a hit and hands it to me.

now i KNEW i wasn't supposed to smoke pot anymore - however i was also taught MANNERS (mom again!) and here i was in another person's home/space and they were offering me a gift/gesture.

they hadn't covered this in AA in my THREE days of meetings!!!!!

so i took it, took a hit, handed it back. we kept talking, and he offered me the pipe and i said No Thanks.....actually i'm doing the sober thing now and really shouldn't partake. he was very nice, even apologized

now one hit of pot isn't going to DO much for me, so i didn't like go all Scarface into a mound of coke or anything. i just didn't KNOW what the protocol was. i hadn't considered POT when i decided to quit DRINKING.

it was a learning experience. now i knew that there were going to be a lot of "using" opportunities coming at me and to be prepared.

when we KNOW better, we DO better.

maia1234

Jo,
Yes boundaries are so important and they are hard to enforce. I have not spoken to my mother since February because of this. Since my divorce 2 1/2 years ago, my mother likes to chat about axh, nearly every phone conversation. (I blocked him before the divorce )

Me telling her many many times not to mention his name, now she calls him my "x". It has been one of the hardest thing I have ever done, by sticking up for myself. My mother has bashed me to all my sibling regarding "my request" which she seems to not want to follow. To her she just laughs about it, to me it is hurtful and almost sick like.

She doesn't get it and I dont think ever will. She will not apologize as she has done nothing wrong. I finally have enough respect for my self now, to finally say enough is enough, as you can't keep doing this to me. I cant have you in my life because of your actions. Ugh!!

We get it, stay away from the gossips as they don't always have your best interests in mind.