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My husbands drinking...

Old 04-27-2017, 10:07 PM
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My husbands drinking...

His drinking is fine until he's had to much. The music gets louder, he gets louder and just starts annoying me so bad that I just get angry. He's not mean or abusive (maybe some mind games). He doesn't understand why it bothers me. How do I explain to him that it just does? He gets overly talkative. Affectionate. Silly. While I'm just trying to get dinner and our 6 year old ready for bed. Dinner. Homework. Shower etc. Then he gets mad that I say if you're going to drink just leave me alone. He says I'm mean and he just loves me and if I'm unhappy it's my fault? I can't talk to him because he twists my words. What do I say to him?

Last edited by casimay76; 04-27-2017 at 10:17 PM. Reason: Adding more
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Old 04-27-2017, 11:57 PM
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Thank you for posting and for reminding us how irritating we are when we drink. Have you spoken to your husband about it when he's sober? I'm probably a little too early in my sobriety journey to be able to give you detailed, practical advice but I read your post and wanted to let you know one thing - this isn't your fault.
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Old 04-28-2017, 03:23 AM
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I second everything Kenton said. I thought I was more jovial, more affectionate, just better to be around than my usual stressed out self when I was drinking. It took years of my husband telling me over and over while I was sober that I was annoying, slurring words, constantly repeating myself, doing stupid things thinking I was being cute and just plain irritating to be around when I drank. You should absolutely tell him the reality of what being around him is like when he drinks. Good luck Casimay. You're in a difficult position and my heart goes out to you.
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Old 04-28-2017, 03:51 AM
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Alcohol loosens emotions. Alcohol likes to party in company- to justify it's use. If you are finding this to be a prob- perhaps go to al-anon/ People there can offer f-f support. Plus thousands of words here. Support to you.
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Old 04-28-2017, 03:58 AM
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Hello there Casimay.
Direct question.
Do you think he is an alcoholic ?
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Old 04-28-2017, 04:54 AM
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Hi, and welcome.

You've had your say. Saying it a different way won't get through to him. It sounds like he's an alcoholic--and alcoholics almost NEVER get why their drinking would annoy/upset anyone else.

I'd suggest learning all you can about alcoholism, continuing to read/post here, and find an Al-Anon meeting near you. Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics. One other thing to be aware of is that his drinking WILL progress. Growing up in a house with an alcoholic parent is terrible for kids. You might think your child is not aware of what's going on, but more than likely s/he knows there's something weird going on.
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Old 04-28-2017, 05:02 AM
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I have no idea how to respond to this because in my house I was your annoying husband.

It is very interesting to read something from the other side though. Thanks for posting and good luck to you- I hope someone has some advice.
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Old 04-28-2017, 05:22 AM
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Al-anon for support?
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Old 04-28-2017, 06:04 AM
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Try to talk to him when he is sober. You may have to put some boundaries in place.
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Old 04-28-2017, 06:15 AM
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Originally Posted by ExhaustedPigeon View Post
I have no idea how to respond to this because in my house I was your annoying husband.
Similar story, I am the annoying partner. Honestly, I convinced myself for years I was an absolute riot after 10 beers, turns out I was just obnoxious.

It's a tough one, because I know when I was confronted I got defensive and that's likely what will happen if he's not ready to accept the problem. But I think its still worth doing, although I dismissed my girlfriends concerns at the time it did lay some seeds of self reflection that had a big impact later on.
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Old 04-28-2017, 06:22 AM
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Welcome Casimay, If you're angry you won't be able to get your point across. Try not to get to hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Take care of yourself.
The best time to talk is when he's sober and you're not angry. You may want him to understand what your needs are but your needs aren't his. He may never understand your side. If you only talk without boundaries then your repeated words are just words. What boundaries are you willing to enforce? You can't change him, you can only change yourself.
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Old 04-28-2017, 06:45 AM
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I'm sorry for your stressful situation. As others have said, talk to him when he's sober. Then, set boundaries for yourself to protect you and your child . Boundaries are internal, and they never, ever involve someone else changing their behavior. Boundaries are about what you will do if your husband's behaviour upsets you.
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Old 04-28-2017, 06:54 AM
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casimay.....definitely talk to him about it when he is sober. Talking to a drunk person is a waste of your breath.....
For example...put the card on the table....I would suggest telling him that you find him disgusting when he is drunk and not to come near you....also,when he does it, go to another room, or leave the area, if you can...take the child and go to the park, the mall, or visit someone, etc.....
If it is at night...buy a pair of those headphones that block out all noise, and wear them (after child is asleep)....sleep in another bedroom, if you can....
This kind of thing is enforcing your boundaries....
If he gets mad...well, he can get glad in the same pants that he got mad in....
If he says that you are mean....picture him, in your mind, as a little quacking duck...(we call that "quacking", around here....and we call picturing him as a quacking little duck as "detaching" from his behavior...

I agree with you, that drunken behavior is annoying, beyond words.....
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Old 04-28-2017, 07:33 AM
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You can talk to him when he's sober, sure....but I am guessing you have....and he's still drinking. I'm sorry - I know what it's like. Their drunken "love" feels VERY unauthentic.

I talked to my xabf until I was blue in the face. I cried, and pleaded and threatened to leave. Finally, I am long gone...and he is still drinking.

I'm sorry you are going through this - it has nothing to do with you, and to an extent, your husband is right - you have to make yourself happy.

My ex once said to me - "you are the only one that has a problem with my drinking." I could not see it at the time, but he was absolutely right. THat is the life he wants to live, and he has every right to it.

It's NOT the one I want to live, and it was up to me to change that.
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