We Fight to Hold On, We Fight to Let Go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 22
We Fight to Hold On, We Fight to Let Go
Hi. I'm new here.
I guess some background would be good? My gf and I got a place together in Aug of 2015 after having dated just slightly less than a year living separately, usually seeing each other 1 night a week, and weekends. By early October, it had become apparent she was not a casual enjoyer of glass or two of wine in the evening, but at that point, I don't think I had any idea how bad the problem was. Early attempts to even approach the topic resulted in a crisis series of events, ultimately ending with her in a mental health facility for a few days. From that point forward, it has been a nightmare of drinking, hiding, lying, fighting, yelling, tears ... I'm sure you all know how it goes without me typing it out. In March, she finally checked herself into a rehab facility. She stayed 2 weeks of a 21/28 day program, and came home. That lasted just shy of two weeks ... I came home to find her drunk, and as always, lying about it. She's sorry of course, as usual. It's funny, the word "sorry" no longer holds any meaning to me. I've grown to hate it.
Since the slip up, as far as I know, she has been sober. Or, at least not drunk enough for me to be able to tell by interaction. She goes to meetings, has found a sponsor, has taken a new interest in exercising (fitbit motivated). She has vocalized a desire to not be that person anymore, and says she wants to get better. I would love to be hopeful, but at this point, I'm afraid to be.
Really, I don't know what I am at this point. Angry mostly. At her, at the situation. At the world? No, I don't blame everything on her, or her drinking. Yes, I realize there are other problems. But none of them have any chance what-so-ever of getting worked on if she continues down this path. I realize her sobering up won't make our lives instantly magical, and some of these others problems won't just go away, and maybe they aren't even solvable, but until she can face life sober, we can't even begin to try.
At this point, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love this woman with everything I am. I've said I would take a bullet for her, I guess I just never thought she would be the one firing it. I don't WANT to leave, but I can't allow this to continue indefinitely, and I know that. I want to be supportive, but I have no idea what that means for her. Yes, I have asked. She says she doesn't know. She doesn't speak about any of it with me, and while I understand this is her addiction to fight, the radio silence about it just doesn't sit comfortably with me.
I've tried the Al-Anon thing. I'm going to try a different group this weekend, as the one I've attended I have to admit, I'm not getting much from. It's a small group, and they spend a lot of time reading from books they pass around the table. They all seem to be much further along in this process, and most seem to be ACOA, and it's just hard for me to translate what they say into how it relates to my actual life at the moment. And honestly, a large part of my ability to relate is me. I'm not even sure at this point what my goal is ... and it's hard to work toward an unknown goal. Again, I realize that's all me. I don't know if I should be working to stay, or working to go .. or what it is I'm working for. I don't eevn know how to figure that out.
I'm not really a social person, so there's not a lot of people I can talk to. Talking to her doesn't seem to be an option at this point either, she only sees it as me blaming her. Both my sister, and my closest friend are sympathetic, and supportive, but you can only say the same thing so many different ways, ya know? I feel like I'm stuck with all of this pain inside of me. I have no idea what to do with it.
Anyway, I've been reading here for a while now, and signed up a few days ago wanting to post, but I have insane log-in problems with this forum. I can only actually get logged in from my phone when on my wi-fi at home. Mobile data, office network, laptop, desktop, nothing else works. It says I have to be logged in to post, so I hit log in, it re-directs, auto refreshes, and then takes me back to the page I was on, but I'm still not logged in. It will just do that on a loop all day. So, I've typed this draft to copy and paste on my phone from home (I hope it works!! - and if it's formatted funny, that's why!!)
I guess some background would be good? My gf and I got a place together in Aug of 2015 after having dated just slightly less than a year living separately, usually seeing each other 1 night a week, and weekends. By early October, it had become apparent she was not a casual enjoyer of glass or two of wine in the evening, but at that point, I don't think I had any idea how bad the problem was. Early attempts to even approach the topic resulted in a crisis series of events, ultimately ending with her in a mental health facility for a few days. From that point forward, it has been a nightmare of drinking, hiding, lying, fighting, yelling, tears ... I'm sure you all know how it goes without me typing it out. In March, she finally checked herself into a rehab facility. She stayed 2 weeks of a 21/28 day program, and came home. That lasted just shy of two weeks ... I came home to find her drunk, and as always, lying about it. She's sorry of course, as usual. It's funny, the word "sorry" no longer holds any meaning to me. I've grown to hate it.
Since the slip up, as far as I know, she has been sober. Or, at least not drunk enough for me to be able to tell by interaction. She goes to meetings, has found a sponsor, has taken a new interest in exercising (fitbit motivated). She has vocalized a desire to not be that person anymore, and says she wants to get better. I would love to be hopeful, but at this point, I'm afraid to be.
Really, I don't know what I am at this point. Angry mostly. At her, at the situation. At the world? No, I don't blame everything on her, or her drinking. Yes, I realize there are other problems. But none of them have any chance what-so-ever of getting worked on if she continues down this path. I realize her sobering up won't make our lives instantly magical, and some of these others problems won't just go away, and maybe they aren't even solvable, but until she can face life sober, we can't even begin to try.
At this point, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love this woman with everything I am. I've said I would take a bullet for her, I guess I just never thought she would be the one firing it. I don't WANT to leave, but I can't allow this to continue indefinitely, and I know that. I want to be supportive, but I have no idea what that means for her. Yes, I have asked. She says she doesn't know. She doesn't speak about any of it with me, and while I understand this is her addiction to fight, the radio silence about it just doesn't sit comfortably with me.
I've tried the Al-Anon thing. I'm going to try a different group this weekend, as the one I've attended I have to admit, I'm not getting much from. It's a small group, and they spend a lot of time reading from books they pass around the table. They all seem to be much further along in this process, and most seem to be ACOA, and it's just hard for me to translate what they say into how it relates to my actual life at the moment. And honestly, a large part of my ability to relate is me. I'm not even sure at this point what my goal is ... and it's hard to work toward an unknown goal. Again, I realize that's all me. I don't know if I should be working to stay, or working to go .. or what it is I'm working for. I don't eevn know how to figure that out.
I'm not really a social person, so there's not a lot of people I can talk to. Talking to her doesn't seem to be an option at this point either, she only sees it as me blaming her. Both my sister, and my closest friend are sympathetic, and supportive, but you can only say the same thing so many different ways, ya know? I feel like I'm stuck with all of this pain inside of me. I have no idea what to do with it.
Anyway, I've been reading here for a while now, and signed up a few days ago wanting to post, but I have insane log-in problems with this forum. I can only actually get logged in from my phone when on my wi-fi at home. Mobile data, office network, laptop, desktop, nothing else works. It says I have to be logged in to post, so I hit log in, it re-directs, auto refreshes, and then takes me back to the page I was on, but I'm still not logged in. It will just do that on a loop all day. So, I've typed this draft to copy and paste on my phone from home (I hope it works!! - and if it's formatted funny, that's why!!)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Welcome Honey Beez,
Glad you are here and hope you find lots of great ESH
(experience, strength & hope) from the wisdom that can
be found on this forum!
Sorry you are going through this but you don't have to do
it alone. It is a process- mostly of discovery about you.
Alanon has helped me and many others who post here,
and many try several meetings to find a good fit and
commit to at least 6 - 10 meetings before deciding its
not for you. Lots of great alanon literature too.
There is so much to educate yourself about so maybe
just decide to embark on your own recovery and go
where it leads you, instead of trying to figure out if
you are fighting to leave or stay. As you learn more
about the alcoholism /codependent dynamic, things
will become clearer, or as you will read on here,
more will be revealed.
Individual counseling along with alanon is very helpful,
especially in the beginning. Most everyone here has
read "Codependent No More " by Melody Beattie, and
find it very helpful.
And the stickies at the top of the forum- such a wealth of
experience and information that will resonate deeply
with you.
Keep posting - check with one of the forum moderators about
the issues you are having since they may be able to help.
Take care
Glad you are here and hope you find lots of great ESH
(experience, strength & hope) from the wisdom that can
be found on this forum!
Sorry you are going through this but you don't have to do
it alone. It is a process- mostly of discovery about you.
Alanon has helped me and many others who post here,
and many try several meetings to find a good fit and
commit to at least 6 - 10 meetings before deciding its
not for you. Lots of great alanon literature too.
There is so much to educate yourself about so maybe
just decide to embark on your own recovery and go
where it leads you, instead of trying to figure out if
you are fighting to leave or stay. As you learn more
about the alcoholism /codependent dynamic, things
will become clearer, or as you will read on here,
more will be revealed.
Individual counseling along with alanon is very helpful,
especially in the beginning. Most everyone here has
read "Codependent No More " by Melody Beattie, and
find it very helpful.
And the stickies at the top of the forum- such a wealth of
experience and information that will resonate deeply
with you.
Keep posting - check with one of the forum moderators about
the issues you are having since they may be able to help.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
Welcome HB. I hope you find this place helpful.
You sound ahead of the curve in understanding the situation. Many of your statements were spot on:
"I love this woman with everything I am. I've said I would take a bullet for her, I guess I just never thought she would be the one firing it. "
"I realize her sobering up won't make our lives instantly magical, and some of these others problems won't just go away, and maybe they aren't even solvable, but until she can face life sober, we can't even begin to try."
I second what Mylifeismine said but I have to admit I never did the Alanon route for some complicated reasons. Some folks only use SR and do well with that.
You sound ahead of the curve in understanding the situation. Many of your statements were spot on:
"I love this woman with everything I am. I've said I would take a bullet for her, I guess I just never thought she would be the one firing it. "
"I realize her sobering up won't make our lives instantly magical, and some of these others problems won't just go away, and maybe they aren't even solvable, but until she can face life sober, we can't even begin to try."
I second what Mylifeismine said but I have to admit I never did the Alanon route for some complicated reasons. Some folks only use SR and do well with that.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome,
It's very hard to say at this point what will happen with your relationship. I can tell you that the fact she is in AA and working with a sponsor is a hopeful sign. People do get sober and stay that way. My first husband has been sober 37 years based on his AA recovery.
But I second the notion that you would be likely to benefit from Al-Anon. As you've acknowledged, all of this has taken a toll on you. Truthfully, there really isn't much you need to do for her to be "supportive." One thing that will help is to stop asking her what you can do to support her. Assume that if she needs something from you she will let you know. There's a lot of internal rearranging that goes on during early recovery. Undoubtedly she is concentrating on that. There really isn't a lot left over for sharing with a partner.
IF she sticks with it and continues to work her program, and IF you can work on letting go of some of your understandable resentments, there's a chance you can heal your relationship. She won't stay the way she is now. Whether you can rebuild is anyone's guess, but for right now, unless you've already decided you are done, give it some time. You should have a fairly good idea after several months (maybe as long as a year) whether you want to continue with the relationship. In the meantime, Al-Anon can help you focus on yourself and your own healing. You will be better off, regardless of whether she stays sober or not, and whether you stay together or not.
It's very hard to say at this point what will happen with your relationship. I can tell you that the fact she is in AA and working with a sponsor is a hopeful sign. People do get sober and stay that way. My first husband has been sober 37 years based on his AA recovery.
But I second the notion that you would be likely to benefit from Al-Anon. As you've acknowledged, all of this has taken a toll on you. Truthfully, there really isn't much you need to do for her to be "supportive." One thing that will help is to stop asking her what you can do to support her. Assume that if she needs something from you she will let you know. There's a lot of internal rearranging that goes on during early recovery. Undoubtedly she is concentrating on that. There really isn't a lot left over for sharing with a partner.
IF she sticks with it and continues to work her program, and IF you can work on letting go of some of your understandable resentments, there's a chance you can heal your relationship. She won't stay the way she is now. Whether you can rebuild is anyone's guess, but for right now, unless you've already decided you are done, give it some time. You should have a fairly good idea after several months (maybe as long as a year) whether you want to continue with the relationship. In the meantime, Al-Anon can help you focus on yourself and your own healing. You will be better off, regardless of whether she stays sober or not, and whether you stay together or not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 22
Thank you all for the kind words.
Yes, I have read Codependent No More. I actually did so when she was in rehab (my friend had it sent to me) and a few other books. I may have to read it again, as perhaps I just wasn't in a good frame of mind to get a good deal from it. Individual counseling is not an option, it's just not affordable for me right now. But I do intend to keep trying the al-anon meetings, for at least a while. I have a different group I intend to go to this Sunday evening. Where I live, while the list of AA meetings per week is a full front and back page long, the Al-Anon is about half a page. And anything morning or afternoon weekdays isn't possible, I simply have to work. My options are limited. The group I want to go to Sunday is a few towns over, but if it's a better fit, it would be worth the drive. I have some issues with the HP part of the program, as at my core, I don't not accept that belief. But for now, that aspect doesn't seem to be my issue ... my issue as I see it of myself, is determining exactly what my "recovery" is defined as to me.
I have read the stickies, and I do go back to them each day. I've been basically a reading machine for a few months now. It helps, in a way I suppose. If nothing else, it allows me to see me circumstances are not unique to me.
LexieCat, Yes, there are a lot if "IF's" in my life right now. Too many perhaps. I have not determined I am DONE, but I have determined I am not in indefinitely at any cost. After the slip up post rehab, I explained to her that I simply can not do this on repeat forever. If she wanted to continue to live the life she had been with the alcohol, that she did indeed have that option, and could make that choice. But what she was not free to chose was to continue that life with me. I have mostly stopped asking what I can do to help. I really now only mention it when she tells me I'm not being supportive. Then my response has been that I do not know what to do to be supportive of her, and if she can tell me what she needs from me, I will support her in those ways.
My head is pretty clear in the matter. I've always been a pretty logical person. Up until now, it has served me well.
My heart on the other hand ... given the pain and hurt it is in, I have no idea how it continues to beat. There are days I wish it would not.
I've been thinking about starting a journal. Some place to put all these thoughts. I have zero idea if putting them on paper will help release them, but I have no where else for them, and they are doing damage staying where they are. It's insanely lonely having all of this inside you, and no where to go with it all. And the person who should be your rock, your safe place, just isn't. That's a hard pill to swallow.
I just wish I knew where to start looking for answers to the questions I have. Not even answers so much as suggestions or ideas, I know no one has a crystal ball. It's like everything out there is so generic, and I either can not make it relate, or can not figure out what it means to try to apply it.
Yes, I have read Codependent No More. I actually did so when she was in rehab (my friend had it sent to me) and a few other books. I may have to read it again, as perhaps I just wasn't in a good frame of mind to get a good deal from it. Individual counseling is not an option, it's just not affordable for me right now. But I do intend to keep trying the al-anon meetings, for at least a while. I have a different group I intend to go to this Sunday evening. Where I live, while the list of AA meetings per week is a full front and back page long, the Al-Anon is about half a page. And anything morning or afternoon weekdays isn't possible, I simply have to work. My options are limited. The group I want to go to Sunday is a few towns over, but if it's a better fit, it would be worth the drive. I have some issues with the HP part of the program, as at my core, I don't not accept that belief. But for now, that aspect doesn't seem to be my issue ... my issue as I see it of myself, is determining exactly what my "recovery" is defined as to me.
I have read the stickies, and I do go back to them each day. I've been basically a reading machine for a few months now. It helps, in a way I suppose. If nothing else, it allows me to see me circumstances are not unique to me.
LexieCat, Yes, there are a lot if "IF's" in my life right now. Too many perhaps. I have not determined I am DONE, but I have determined I am not in indefinitely at any cost. After the slip up post rehab, I explained to her that I simply can not do this on repeat forever. If she wanted to continue to live the life she had been with the alcohol, that she did indeed have that option, and could make that choice. But what she was not free to chose was to continue that life with me. I have mostly stopped asking what I can do to help. I really now only mention it when she tells me I'm not being supportive. Then my response has been that I do not know what to do to be supportive of her, and if she can tell me what she needs from me, I will support her in those ways.
My head is pretty clear in the matter. I've always been a pretty logical person. Up until now, it has served me well.
My heart on the other hand ... given the pain and hurt it is in, I have no idea how it continues to beat. There are days I wish it would not.
I've been thinking about starting a journal. Some place to put all these thoughts. I have zero idea if putting them on paper will help release them, but I have no where else for them, and they are doing damage staying where they are. It's insanely lonely having all of this inside you, and no where to go with it all. And the person who should be your rock, your safe place, just isn't. That's a hard pill to swallow.
I just wish I knew where to start looking for answers to the questions I have. Not even answers so much as suggestions or ideas, I know no one has a crystal ball. It's like everything out there is so generic, and I either can not make it relate, or can not figure out what it means to try to apply it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
When I went into individual therapy the writing of journals was part of what was required of me. At first I hated it and I tried to just roughly write my thoughts. To which the therapist rejected them and said, not enough depth write more.
That is a process in of itself. But at some point that switch flips and it begins to POUR out of you onto those pages. I had journals and journals filled.
I began to relize it does a few things. It allows you to commit them to writing and therefore not just keep rolling around in your head keeping you up all night for weeks. Very helpful.
It also allows you to go back and remind yourself of how you felt by what actions happened to you from your addict partner.
It further allowed me read the journey it took me on. Something about reading it makes it sink into a different part of my brain.
While I wouldn't wish to do it again, it consumes so much time and energy, it proved to be VERY helpful in the process of recovering.
I probably had 500 pages by the time it was over. All hand written. Yes they made me do it by hand rather than word process it. And yes there is a reason for that also. You put more thoughts into it writing by hand.
That is a process in of itself. But at some point that switch flips and it begins to POUR out of you onto those pages. I had journals and journals filled.
I began to relize it does a few things. It allows you to commit them to writing and therefore not just keep rolling around in your head keeping you up all night for weeks. Very helpful.
It also allows you to go back and remind yourself of how you felt by what actions happened to you from your addict partner.
It further allowed me read the journey it took me on. Something about reading it makes it sink into a different part of my brain.
While I wouldn't wish to do it again, it consumes so much time and energy, it proved to be VERY helpful in the process of recovering.
I probably had 500 pages by the time it was over. All hand written. Yes they made me do it by hand rather than word process it. And yes there is a reason for that also. You put more thoughts into it writing by hand.
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