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Couldn't believe the state of my ex!

Old 04-28-2017, 03:01 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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You won't be telling him anything he doesn't already know. He isn't going to slap himself upside the head and say, "Wow! spookyboo thinks I should go to the doctor--I'm gonna run right out and DO that!"

These statements: "If i don't speak my mind i feel it's a possibility he may die," and "I want to discharge my duty as a compassionate human being," are misguided. YOU can't save him. YOU have no duty toward him. If he drops to the ground, you'd probably want to call 911, but that's the extent of it.

Do you lecture homeless people about what they should do to improve their lives? Are they not as deserving of your compassion as he? I'm willing to bet that you don't, because it's really not your business. The same goes here--he hasn't ASKED for your help, he won't APPRECIATE your help, and your help won't HELP him.
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Old 04-29-2017, 02:34 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
You won't be telling him anything he doesn't already know. He isn't going to slap himself upside the head and say, "Wow! spookyboo thinks I should go to the doctor--I'm gonna run right out and DO that!"

These statements: "If i don't speak my mind i feel it's a possibility he may die," and "I want to discharge my duty as a compassionate human being," are misguided. YOU can't save him. YOU have no duty toward him. If he drops to the ground, you'd probably want to call 911, but that's the extent of it.

Do you lecture homeless people about what they should do to improve their lives? Are they not as deserving of your compassion as he? I'm willing to bet that you don't, because it's really not your business. The same goes here--he hasn't ASKED for your help, he won't APPRECIATE your help, and your help won't HELP him.
Thanks Lexiecat!

You are right!
I can't save him and I have no duty towards him either.
I think he won't present himself to a doctor the minute I go. I agree with all of that.
I also don't think he's ever heard of Ascites because until you mentioned it neither had I.
I won't be lecturing him about it either , just suggesting he may be more poorly than he realises using all the tact I can muster.x
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Old 04-29-2017, 03:08 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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spooky, I can relate. Some time ago, I'd re-read some old posts from a member here whose AH also had adult ADHD as part of his problems, then did some more research as it sounded SO MUCH like my XAH.

I boiled what I'd found down to a few of the most informative links, then emailed it to XAH (we have remained in touch, so this wasn't coming completely out of the blue). Eventually I received a reply saying he'd looked into the info himself, thought the examples given sounded a lot like him, but that he wasn't interested in taking it any further.

OK. I did what I was able to do and I let go of it. Honestly, I was about 99.9% sure that was going to be the outcome anyway, but like you, I felt obligated to say something, maybe b/c adult ADHD was not anything that had ever been anywhere on my radar and thus I felt it likely wasn't on his, either.

What others have said here is certainly true and good advice. I'm absolutely not contradicting any of it. I'm just saying that this was my experience, and that's all it was, a brief encounter with no lingering effects. It was not painful except perhaps in the way that it hurts when you stub your toe on the leg of the kitchen chair that you didn't push all the way under the table...you go "well, CRAP!" and put the chair back where it belongs, so you don't do it again.
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Old 04-29-2017, 03:20 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
spooky, I can relate. Some time ago, I'd re-read some old posts from a member here whose AH also had adult ADHD as part of his problems, then did some more research as it sounded SO MUCH like my XAH.

I boiled what I'd found down to a few of the most informative links, then emailed it to XAH (we have remained in touch, so this wasn't coming completely out of the blue). Eventually I received a reply saying he'd looked into the info himself, thought the examples given sounded a lot like him, but that he wasn't interested in taking it any further.

OK. I did what I was able to do and I let go of it. Honestly, I was about 99.9% sure that was going to be the outcome anyway, but like you, I felt obligated to say something, maybe b/c adult ADHD was not anything that had ever been anywhere on my radar and thus I felt it likely wasn't on his, either.

What others have said here is certainly true and good advice. I'm absolutely not contradicting any of it. I'm just saying that this was my experience, and that's all it was, a brief encounter with no lingering effects. It was not painful except perhaps in the way that it hurts when you stub your toe on the leg of the kitchen chair that you didn't push all the way under the table...you go "well, CRAP!" and put the chair back where it belongs, so you don't do it again.
Thanks Honeypig!

Your post made me feel good, quite profound I thought.
I think that will be the extent of my experience too.
I can take a stubbed toe for the team lol x
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Old 04-29-2017, 08:32 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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If i don't speak my mind i feel it's a possibility he may die

so you hold on to the belief that ONLY YOU can see/sense his state of unwellness? that he doesn't know this for himself? and that you have the POWER to SAVE his life?

he is entirely capable of managing his own health. he can, if he chooses, make his own doctor appointment. but he doesn't HAVE to. it's HIS life. his health. his misery.

live and let live.

it concerns me that your very first impulse was to "cuddle him". that's a parental/maternal reaction. which indicates you "see" him as a child, not a grown up. and that you feel you can fix his boo boo.

while it may be impossible to go full No Contact as in avoiding ever seeing him, you do not have to engage in conversation. you can avoid topics. you can walk away. suddenly need to go organize the paper clips, or get that "thing" you forgot in your car. you can use avoidance techniques.
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Old 04-29-2017, 09:48 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
If i don't speak my mind i feel it's a possibility he may die

so you hold on to the belief that ONLY YOU can see/sense his state of unwellness? that he doesn't know this for himself? and that you have the POWER to SAVE his life?

he is entirely capable of managing his own health. he can, if he chooses, make his own doctor appointment. but he doesn't HAVE to. it's HIS life. his health. his misery.

live and let live.

it concerns me that your very first impulse was to "cuddle him". that's a parental/maternal reaction. which indicates you "see" him as a child, not a grown up. and that you feel you can fix his boo boo.

while it may be impossible to go full No Contact as in avoiding ever seeing him, you do not have to engage in conversation. you can avoid topics. you can walk away. suddenly need to go organize the paper clips, or get that "thing" you forgot in your car. you can use avoidance techniques.
Thanks anvilhead for the reply!

Live and let live or
Live and let die?

In the big scheme of things telling him I think he may be very poorly isn't a big deal.

He's either going to ignore it or bury his head in a glass of whiskey or do something.

I'm not arrogant enough to assume only I can save him.

I use avoidance techniques all the time but sometimes I just have to be with him and we chat about nonsense till I can leave or he leaves.

I said cuddle him cos he is cuddly. He's too cuddly now and if he has ascites I think he should be aware of the possible reason for the weight gain. He thinks it's just from too much fine living x
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Old 04-29-2017, 10:46 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by spookyboo22 View Post
If i don't speak my mind i feel it's a possibility he may die

I want to discharge my duty as a compassionate human being. What he does with my thoughts is entirely his affair x
I know how you feel, spooky. Death is a real possibility for my AH, and I feel if I do or say the right thing at that right moment it may save his life. I feel an obligation, that his life is in my hands at times. "If only he knew 'X', he wouldn't do this!" I've been certain I had the magic key, the last being a website with brain scans of alcoholics that showed how long it takes to repair, even during sobriety. I realize how naive that was now. I was horrified. Him, not so much.

I am not particularly religious, but at an alanon meeting someone likened this to thinking you're God, that you and you alone have the power to influence and change the hearts of those you love. By interfering so deeply, we are putting ourselves between them and God, cutting off that connection. If we back away, the "big man" can do his work, and unfortunately for some, that means taking away their pain in the most permanent of ways. Don't know if I agree, but it made me think.

I'm sorry for your pain, please keep us posted.
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Old 04-29-2017, 11:49 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Txbuttercup View Post
I know how you feel, spooky. Death is a real possibility for my AH, and I feel if I do or say the right thing at that right moment it may save his life. I feel an obligation, that his life is in my hands at times. "If only he knew 'X', he wouldn't do this!" I've been certain I had the magic key, the last being a website with brain scans of alcoholics that showed how long it takes to repair, even during sobriety. I realize how naive that was now. I was horrified. Him, not so much.

I am not particularly religious, but at an alanon meeting someone likened this to thinking you're God, that you and you alone have the power to influence and change the hearts of those you love. By interfering so deeply, we are putting ourselves between them and God, cutting off that connection. If we back away, the "big man" can do his work, and unfortunately for some, that means taking away their pain in the most permanent of ways. Don't know if I agree, but it made me think.

I'm sorry for your pain, please keep us posted.
Thanks txbuttercup!

I'm sorry to hear about your AH. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you.
I know all about finding the magic key. I tried for years to do this and I realised it was futile.
I do see what they are saying at al anon.
Where they talk about stepping aside to let the big man do his work, it reminds me of an African prayer which goes something like "pray and move your feet, pray and move your feet"
I feel the big man will do his work whether I say something or not.
Good luck with everything hun x
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Old 04-29-2017, 01:24 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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In the big scheme of things telling him I think he may be very poorly isn't a big deal.

remember, we are looking at OUR OWN patterns of behavior - not theirs.
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Old 04-29-2017, 01:26 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
In the big scheme of things telling him I think he may be very poorly isn't a big deal.

remember, we are looking at OUR OWN patterns of behavior - not theirs.
You're right! I'm going to think about that. Thanks x
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Old 04-29-2017, 02:14 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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ya know it's funny, when i left my last husband (he was NOT the drinker, i was) he was weighing in somewhere between 350-400. he'd always had a weight problem - we had both done J/C together and he lost a lot of weight, looked great, me too - but it was not sustainable.

anywho, we met up about a year later - had some divorce/finance stuff to wrap up, and he had some stuff i'd left behind to return. i was sitting at a starbucks, outside, and heard a man's voice say Well Hello There!

i did not recognize the person at first. it was my ex - he'd had lap band surgery, lost about 150 pounds (?), had let his hair grow WAY out and died it blonde. also bought a motorcycle. and new gf (she wasn't WITH him of course!!).

and to be honest? i thought he looked WORSE than at his higher weight. he looked gaunt and a bit grey, and the straggly long blonde hair did him no favors.

but it was not MY place to say ANY of that!!! it wasn't even my place to wonder why he "waited" until i left to deal with the weight. he made his own choices for his own reasons and was conducting HIS life as HE saw fit.

live and let live.

last i had heard and that was years ago, he'd started to put the weight back on. i do know he and the gf got married - he's 4th. and that's ALL i know. i wonder sometimes how he's doing. i hope he is well. but it's none of my business. so i just send up some good thoughts and move on!
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Old 04-29-2017, 02:36 PM
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oh good grief....spelling? DYED it blonde. sheesh.
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Old 04-29-2017, 03:13 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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If he was "talking about dropping dead soon", then he KNOWS he's in rough shape. You telling him won't give him any information he doesn't already have.

He can choose to seek medical help or he can choose not to. It's really painful to watch someone make the wrong choices (especially when those choices look like slow suicide), but you can't choose for him.

Try to stay detached ...
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Old 04-29-2017, 07:47 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by spookyboo22 View Post
Thanks anvilhead for the reply!

In the big scheme of things telling him I think he may be very poorly isn't a big deal.

He's either going to ignore it or bury his head in a glass of whiskey or do something.
I agree Spooky that what you say to him isn't a big deal. In my day I spent a lot of time thinking about what to say and how to say it. None of it in the end really mattered.

What has been a huge deal in the end is learning to keep my sticky fingers out of other folks lives. I still struggle with this. Learning to respect others' choices no matter how poorly informed, disastrous, or misguided has been like learning to love in a way that goes waaaay beyond any Hallmark concept of love.
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Old 04-29-2017, 09:38 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
If he was "talking about dropping dead soon", then he KNOWS he's in rough shape. You telling him won't give him any information he doesn't already have.

He can choose to seek medical help or he can choose not to. It's really painful to watch someone make the wrong choices (especially when those choices look like slow suicide), but you can't choose for him.

Try to stay detached ...
This is exactly what I've had to deal with. It has been excruciatingly painful to come to terms that it was her choice and hers alone. And that her HP felt the best and only way to ease her suffering was to do it permanently.

I am slowly, agonizingly coming to terms that this was the fate SHE wanted and that it is in fact her right to choose for herself as much as it is each of our rights to choose for ourselves.

Doesn't make it any easier tho
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Old 04-30-2017, 01:01 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post


ya know it's funny, when i left my last husband (he was NOT the drinker, i was) he was weighing in somewhere between 350-400. he'd always had a weight problem - we had both done J/C together and he lost a lot of weight, looked great, me too - but it was not sustainable.

anywho, we met up about a year later - had some divorce/finance stuff to wrap up, and he had some stuff i'd left behind to return. i was sitting at a starbucks, outside, and heard a man's voice say Well Hello There!

i did not recognize the person at first. it was my ex - he'd had lap band surgery, lost about 150 pounds (?), had let his hair grow WAY out and died it blonde. also bought a motorcycle. and new gf (she wasn't WITH him of course!!).

and to be honest? i thought he looked WORSE than at his higher weight. he looked gaunt and a bit grey, and the straggly long blonde hair did him no favors.

but it was not MY place to say ANY of that!!! it wasn't even my place to wonder why he "waited" until i left to deal with the weight. he made his own choices for his own reasons and was conducting HIS life as HE saw fit.

live and let live.

last i had heard and that was years ago, he'd started to put the weight back on. i do know he and the gf got married - he's 4th. and that's ALL i know. i wonder sometimes how he's doing. i hope he is well. but it's none of my business. so i just send up some good thoughts and move on!
I can relate to your story in a way. Mine isn't the first A I've been involved with . I recently saw another ex and he told me he had alcohol related neuropothy. He looked like a drink of water dressed up in jeans and a sweater. His doctor told him to swim to build some muscle.
I swim almost daily and I offered to take him with me one day. I said I'd be in touch. I knew that would involve a very early start as his first thing on his agenda each day is to drink . If I waited till the afternoon it would be too late, he would have had too much
I decided it was just too much brain space to figure it all out and so I've just not got in touch.
He could swim any time he wanted , there's a pool five minutes from his house.
Thanks for sharing x
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Old 04-30-2017, 01:04 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
If he was "talking about dropping dead soon", then he KNOWS he's in rough shape. You telling him won't give him any information he doesn't already have.

He can choose to seek medical help or he can choose not to. It's really painful to watch someone make the wrong choices (especially when those choices look like slow suicide), but you can't choose for him.

Try to stay detached ...
Thanks Sasha!
Slow suicide..... That's a good way to put it
I am trying to stay detached and not follow my usual patterns.
I'm thinking it won't be long before his body chooses for him x
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Old 04-30-2017, 01:12 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by HeartbrokenGuy View Post
This is exactly what I've had to deal with. It has been excruciatingly painful to come to terms that it was her choice and hers alone. And that her HP felt the best and only way to ease her suffering was to do it permanently.

I am slowly, agonizingly coming to terms that this was the fate SHE wanted and that it is in fact her right to choose for herself as much as it is each of our rights to choose for ourselves.

Doesn't make it any easier tho
Heartbrokenguy I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thanks for your reply!
I just can't understand why they choose to do the things they do. It's such a tragedy for all involved.
I hope you find peace and comfort as you deal with all this X
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Old 04-30-2017, 06:03 AM
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Detachment and loving (or caring) from afar... sounds like you are getting there!
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Old 04-30-2017, 06:09 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
Detachment and loving (or caring) from afar... sounds like you are getting there!
Thanks Refiner!

I've already surpassed my usual behaviour in as much as by now I would have made an effort to see him but I've left it.
Thanks for noticing my baby steps x
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