time4healing

My friend/boyfriend is a recovery heroin addict. He has been clean for 1 and 1/2 year. We have been in a relationship for almost 8 years. We split up a few months before he went to rehab to get clean. He was a couple months sober before we started talking again. He was the one who contacted me and told me how much he loved me and wanted to see me again. We have been seeing each other since. We agreed that it would be smart to take things slowly. Now that it has been over a year I am wondering how long I am supposed to wait to have more of a serious relationship with him. He has become distant lately and sometimes he won't answer my phone calls or text messages. He will usually get back to me within a day but it is difficult not to smother him. I am completely supportive of his recovery. He dedicates most of his time to recovery and goes to meetings almost everyday. When I confronted him about being distant he told me that he is "not ready to be a boyfriend right now." I asked him if he would ever be ready and he said he "didnt know why I was making a big deal out of it because he hangsout with me and he spends his time doing recovery stuff 24/7 and its just the way it is right now." I said does that mean you are going to be dating other people and he said "no he isn't seeing anybody, he does not want to see anybody."

We have had a long relationship and I was with him through 8 years of his addiction. I know that he cares about me he is just very distant and I feel very neglected and ignored just like I did when he was in his addiction. It just becomes very confusing. How long do I wait? How long should I be patient? What if he has decided he doesn't love me anymore now that he is sober? How do I know the difference between him just working on himself or he doesn't want me around

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome!

Unfortunately, I think you need to take him at his word when he says he's "Not ready to be a boyfriend right now." That could mean that he wants to see other people, or it could just mean that he isn't into having any relationship right now. Either way, he's made it pretty clear he isn't available right now. If I were you, I wouldn't hang around on the off chance he decides he wants one at some point. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. I sure wouldn't keep waiting around. It's not like he's in VERY early recovery where most people have to maintain a total focus on that alone. Maybe HE has to--I won't judge that--but I don't think you're obligated to keep hanging around, and if it were me, I wouldn't.

firebolt

Yeah, I agree with Lexie. You aren't obligated to wait for anything!

Being in limbo sounds stressful....and it sounds like you want a more involved relationship than he is capable of giving right now....and that is OK! And you have every right to seek out what you want....and make an exit from what you don't want.

time4healing

He just kept telling me that he wants to work on himself to get better and stay better. He says that he is not leading me on he just wants to focus on himself. But he will call me and still see me. So it is very confusing to do this with someone I have been with for years.

LexieCat

He may not KNOW what he wants. Do you want to hang around for another five years till he "finds himself"?

It's your life, so if you want to do it, be my guest. I sure wouldn't.

He may SAY he doesn't want to string you along, but that's what he's doing, whether he "wants to" or not.

dandylion

timeforhealing.....I know that you are hurting a lot. This probably feels like a bucket of water I n your face, after you have wrapped your emotional life around him for so many years. Like everyone who sacrifices for another, I am sure that you felt that it would "pay off" in the end. That he would get sober and devote himself to the relationship and it would become everything that you have dreamed of. You have identified yourself a part of a couple...and, I imagine that it feels like being a stranger in a strange land, to think of being a single person....(I an just guessing at all of this).....

From what I know about men...when they say that they "are not ready" or "I need my space"...or , "I don't know what I want"...or, "I don't want anybody"....they mean it.
I think you should believe him....

You, by the way, are not some porcelain doll....to sit on a shelf and wait until someone else wants some time with you...at their whim....
You are not alive to just support and serve and wait.....you deserve a life that is just as rich as his is.....
I don't think it is in your best interest to wait....

I suspect that you are going to grieve over this turn of things.....
You are going to have to invest in your own self, now...
You are going to need a ton of support for your grieving period and for your own self development....
I suggest that you seek out alanon and your own personal counselor, as well as posting here and using all the resources available, here.....
Like,,,,reading all of the articles in the "Classic Reading" sticky. on the front page....

I am sorry that you are going through this....
You are not alone....

LexieCat

Oops, posted in wrong thread.

Nata1980

Hi Time4Healing

Sorry you are going through this

To sum it up

You: Want a healthy relationship with present boyfriend

Him: Not ready to be a boyfriend

You may be better off trusting him on this one and letting him go and do his thing, whatever it may be. I am a firm believer that people who are truly interested in being with you will find a way. Otherwise you are risking to be in a perpetual cheerleader/relationship builder/mother role. Ask me how I know

You deserve better.