Friend triggered a hysterical breakdown
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Friend triggered a hysterical breakdown
I thought I was doing fine today, I felt a little bit better about learning more in regards to addiction and how love cannot cure it... I thought I was okay with moving forward from this relationship, that I did the right thing breaking up with my alcoholic ex... but then my friend ignorantly suggested I start dating again because "he's definitely sleeping with other women. And he hasn't called you bc he doesn't want you anymore, so go make yourself happy"
I. Can't. Breathe.
It kills me to think he could be with someone else. And it breaks me into a billion pieces to hear that he doesn't want me anymore. The pain just crashed in again, like a massive wave, and I'm hit with regret, guilt and anxious thoughts.
theres a shameful part of me that wants to call him right now, show up at his door, scream and cry and beg for him to explain to me how the heck he doesn't love me anymore, remind him of every beautiful memory I obsessively hold onto... but I can't do that for every obvious reason under the sun.
The idea of him being intimate with anyone else... it's killing me, and I can't get it out of my head. There's a irrational part of me that feels as though I "own him" because of every ounce of myself that I poured into him and trying to help him become a better man, trying help him with his sobriety, the moments I cleaned up the blood on his face and took him to the emergency dentist to have fake teeth put in from having his face busted from a drunken fight, the days I called into work and cried with him when he went through withdrawal.... I know it sounds crazy. But... I obviously haven't let it go the way I thought I had this morning.
I. Can't. Breathe.
It kills me to think he could be with someone else. And it breaks me into a billion pieces to hear that he doesn't want me anymore. The pain just crashed in again, like a massive wave, and I'm hit with regret, guilt and anxious thoughts.
theres a shameful part of me that wants to call him right now, show up at his door, scream and cry and beg for him to explain to me how the heck he doesn't love me anymore, remind him of every beautiful memory I obsessively hold onto... but I can't do that for every obvious reason under the sun.
The idea of him being intimate with anyone else... it's killing me, and I can't get it out of my head. There's a irrational part of me that feels as though I "own him" because of every ounce of myself that I poured into him and trying to help him become a better man, trying help him with his sobriety, the moments I cleaned up the blood on his face and took him to the emergency dentist to have fake teeth put in from having his face busted from a drunken fight, the days I called into work and cried with him when he went through withdrawal.... I know it sounds crazy. But... I obviously haven't let it go the way I thought I had this morning.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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I am very sorry for how you're feeling.
I felt like crap earlier. Questioning my self worth and such.
I don't know you at all LaM. Yet from what you write in your posts I can tell you are funny, intelligent, and caring.
You deserve the opportunity to grieve your relationship in whatever way works for you. Mostly you deserve every happiness this world has to offer and a partner that appreciates you and lifts you up rather than tears you down and makes you cry.
<Virtual hugs>
I felt like crap earlier. Questioning my self worth and such.
I don't know you at all LaM. Yet from what you write in your posts I can tell you are funny, intelligent, and caring.
You deserve the opportunity to grieve your relationship in whatever way works for you. Mostly you deserve every happiness this world has to offer and a partner that appreciates you and lifts you up rather than tears you down and makes you cry.
<Virtual hugs>
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Originally Posted by HeartbrokenGuy 
I am very sorry for how you're feeling.
I felt like crap earlier. Questioning my self worth and such.
I don't know you at all LaM. Yet from what you write in your posts I can tell you are funny, intelligent, and caring.
You deserve the opportunity to grieve your relationship in whatever way works for you. Mostly you deserve every happiness this world has to offer and a partner that appreciates you and lifts you up rather than tears you down and makes you cry.
<Virtual hugs>
I felt like crap earlier. Questioning my self worth and such.
I don't know you at all LaM. Yet from what you write in your posts I can tell you are funny, intelligent, and caring.
You deserve the opportunity to grieve your relationship in whatever way works for you. Mostly you deserve every happiness this world has to offer and a partner that appreciates you and lifts you up rather than tears you down and makes you cry.
<Virtual hugs>
Thanks friend. I struggle bc I know the shift in our relationship began when I completely discontinued enabling him... and that's when he pulled away. I know I stood in the way of his addiction. Which was obviously the right thing to do. But I continuously beat my brain thinking THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING I COULD HAVE DONE, I should have been more creative with my methods, more patient, less depressed, less broken, less miserable.... I know what I deserve, and he gave me that for the first half of our relationship... he very well knew the kind of woman I was and what I needed, and his own sister told me she'd never seen him so motivated to turn his life around, and that he did it all bc he loved me... but then it all just fell apart. And as much as I shouldn't take it personally, or blame myself... it's hard not to, when at one point he gave me that love.... and then when I stood by him through his ugliest times, when I refused to watch him put his life in danger.... this is what I get back in return.
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Your friend was rather impressively tactless...you really don't need to hear anything about what's going on with him at this point. And phrasing it as "he doesn't want you"... you sure this person is an actual friend?
When we become overly responsible for and invested in fixing someone else's life, we lose ourselves. We define our lives only by them and their actions, so when it ends, even for all the healthy, intelligent reasons, we have this enormous hole where our crusade used to be.
It's brutal. But it's the only path to a healthier, more grounded and self-empowered life.
It doesn't matter what he's doing. And I'd block this "friend" from your world ASAP.
Sending you a hug.
When we become overly responsible for and invested in fixing someone else's life, we lose ourselves. We define our lives only by them and their actions, so when it ends, even for all the healthy, intelligent reasons, we have this enormous hole where our crusade used to be.
It's brutal. But it's the only path to a healthier, more grounded and self-empowered life.
It doesn't matter what he's doing. And I'd block this "friend" from your world ASAP.
Sending you a hug.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Your friend was rather impressively tactless...you really don't need to hear anything about what's going on with him at this point. And phrasing it as "he doesn't want you"... you sure this person is an actual friend?
When we become overly responsible for and invested in fixing someone else's life, we lose ourselves. We define our lives only by them and their actions, so when it ends, even for all the healthy, intelligent reasons, we have this enormous hole where our crusade used to be.
It's brutal. But it's the only path to a healthier, more grounded and self-empowered life.
It doesn't matter what he's doing. And I'd block this "friend" from your world ASAP.
Sending you a hug.
When we become overly responsible for and invested in fixing someone else's life, we lose ourselves. We define our lives only by them and their actions, so when it ends, even for all the healthy, intelligent reasons, we have this enormous hole where our crusade used to be.
It's brutal. But it's the only path to a healthier, more grounded and self-empowered life.
It doesn't matter what he's doing. And I'd block this "friend" from your world ASAP.
Sending you a hug.
I wish I never met him. This hurt is too much.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
I completely understand and feel the same as you do.
Our relationship changed immediately when I stopped enabling.
I know my fiancé loved me and our girls more than anything. She just didn't love herself enough to seek help. She couldn't imagine a life without alcohol and now she's gone and our family is completely shattered. Love and logic aren't enough to battle addiction. And that sucks immensely.
Our relationship changed immediately when I stopped enabling.
I know my fiancé loved me and our girls more than anything. She just didn't love herself enough to seek help. She couldn't imagine a life without alcohol and now she's gone and our family is completely shattered. Love and logic aren't enough to battle addiction. And that sucks immensely.
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LaM, recovery is not a straight-line process. You will have good days and bad days--doesn't necessarily mean you're backsliding. Just do your best to nurture yourself through the bad ones and trust that the good ones will come again. I think this is all relatively new for you, too, right? Even more reason that the ride will be bumpy for a while. Use the recovery tools you've learned so far and learn some new ones.
And yes, I'd agree that this friend needs to be told that you don't want to hear what your X is up to. There is no benefit in that, no "tough love" that I see, just needless pain when you're still very vulnerable.
And yes, I'd agree that this friend needs to be told that you don't want to hear what your X is up to. There is no benefit in that, no "tough love" that I see, just needless pain when you're still very vulnerable.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
I think this is all relatively new for you, too, right? Even more reason that the ride will be bumpy for a while. Use the recovery tools you've learned so far and learn some new ones.
And yes, I'd agree that this friend needs to be told that you don't want to hear what your X is up to. There is no benefit in that, no "tough love" that I see, just needless pain when you're still very vulnerable.
And yes, I'd agree that this friend needs to be told that you don't want to hear what your X is up to. There is no benefit in that, no "tough love" that I see, just needless pain when you're still very vulnerable.
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Pizza is a good friend.
So is ice cream and homemade cookies. My daughter and I baked today. Fun + Fat = No Tears.
I joined a gym too so I figure I can start eating twice the cookies now.
I would recommend a shower at least every 3-4 days.. That is just being polite.
So is ice cream and homemade cookies. My daughter and I baked today. Fun + Fat = No Tears.
I joined a gym too so I figure I can start eating twice the cookies now.
I would recommend a shower at least every 3-4 days.
. That is just being polite. Member
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Originally Posted by loveandmagic
Yeah, we broke up 3 months ago... some of my friends feel like I should be dating right now, and that I'll never get over him until I meet someone new.
Stay the course. This is your time to learn to love yourself, accept yourself, and be OK w/yourself. Then, in the future when you meet someone you like, you'll be getting involved out of choice, NOT b/c you're using him to distract yourself or to "get over" someone else or b/c you don't feel like you're good enough on your own. You are a whole and complete person in and of yourself--you do not HAVE TO have someone else to "complete" you, and learning this now will help you in so many different ways as time goes by.
LaM, I am going to be 57 this summer. The past year and a half since XAH moved out is the first significant amount of time I've spent on my own since I was probably 15 or so. I cannot tell you how much I wish I'd learned the things I'm learning now at a much earlier age. My life would have been so different; my choices would have been so much better. I don't say that in a self-pitying way, just a simple and honest statement of fact. I also say it with immense gratitude that I'm finally learning these things NOW, instead of taking another turn around the merry-go-round w/a person I grabbed onto out of fear of being alone.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
Sorry, but your friends have this all wrong. You could maybe DISTRACT yourself by dating again, but you will not HEAL yourself or LEARN about yourself if you go that route. In fact, it's likely you'd pick a similar partner and find yourself in this same place again unless you DO take some time out to work on yourself. Many here will tell you that they have, in essence, gotten involved w/the same person in a different guise over the course of many years and many relationships for that exact reason.
Stay the course. This is your time to learn to love yourself, accept yourself, and be OK w/yourself. Then, in the future when you meet someone you like, you'll be getting involved out of choice, NOT b/c you're using him to distract yourself or to "get over" someone else or b/c you don't feel like you're good enough on your own. You are a whole and complete person in and of yourself--you do not HAVE TO have someone else to "complete" you, and learning this now will help you in so many different ways as time goes by.
LaM, I am going to be 57 this summer. The past year and a half since XAH moved out is the first significant amount of time I've spent on my own since I was probably 15 or so. I cannot tell you how much I wish I'd learned the things I'm learning now at a much earlier age. My life would have been so different; my choices would have been so much better. I don't say that in a self-pitying way, just a simple and honest statement of fact. I also say it with immense gratitude that I'm finally learning these things NOW, instead of taking another turn around the merry-go-round w/a person I grabbed onto out of fear of being alone.
Stay the course. This is your time to learn to love yourself, accept yourself, and be OK w/yourself. Then, in the future when you meet someone you like, you'll be getting involved out of choice, NOT b/c you're using him to distract yourself or to "get over" someone else or b/c you don't feel like you're good enough on your own. You are a whole and complete person in and of yourself--you do not HAVE TO have someone else to "complete" you, and learning this now will help you in so many different ways as time goes by.
LaM, I am going to be 57 this summer. The past year and a half since XAH moved out is the first significant amount of time I've spent on my own since I was probably 15 or so. I cannot tell you how much I wish I'd learned the things I'm learning now at a much earlier age. My life would have been so different; my choices would have been so much better. I don't say that in a self-pitying way, just a simple and honest statement of fact. I also say it with immense gratitude that I'm finally learning these things NOW, instead of taking another turn around the merry-go-round w/a person I grabbed onto out of fear of being alone.
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Yep, another thing you'll hear around here is "time takes time." No way to rush it, no way to make it go quicker b/c you're working really hard at healing. The work is necessary, but it only sinks in and becomes a real part of you over time. It's like growing a tomato plant in your garden--you can water and fertilize like crazy, but that plant isn't going to give you any tomatoes until it's had TIME to grow, mature, and produce blossoms and then fruit! And the steps have to happen in that order--no way to skip right to the lovely ripe tomatoes w/o passing through the other stages.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
Yep, another thing you'll hear around here is "time takes time." No way to rush it, no way to make it go quicker b/c you're working really hard at healing. The work is necessary, but it only sinks in and becomes a real part of you over time. It's like growing a tomato plant in your garden--you can water and fertilize like crazy, but that plant isn't going to give you any tomatoes until it's had TIME to grow, mature, and produce blossoms and then fruit! And the steps have to happen in that order--no way to skip right to the lovely ripe tomatoes w/o passing through the other stages.
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loveandmagic....You might benefit from the following:
Papers on Addiction and Recovery
There are several articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
You might appreciate the one......"The Addict's Dilemma" and...."Addiction, Lies, and Relationships".....and, "Excuses Alcoholics Make".....
It may help take some of the guilt and responsibility off your shoulders.
Alcoholics don't drink at us, or, necessarily, to hurt us...or, even because we aren't good enough....they drink because that is what alcoholics do...
When they DO drink...it is like major parts of their "normal" brains have been chemically removed.....
Papers on Addiction and Recovery
There are several articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
You might appreciate the one......"The Addict's Dilemma" and...."Addiction, Lies, and Relationships".....and, "Excuses Alcoholics Make".....
It may help take some of the guilt and responsibility off your shoulders.
Alcoholics don't drink at us, or, necessarily, to hurt us...or, even because we aren't good enough....they drink because that is what alcoholics do...
When they DO drink...it is like major parts of their "normal" brains have been chemically removed.....
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Hi hun!
I feel you !!
When my XABF left me I could sense there was someone else on the scene. He was doing shady stuff like taking his phone to the toilet etc.
When he left I felt exactly like you do now.
It's a couple of years on now and we had lunch together recently. He told me how this woman was cheating on him and I laughed to myself about it
I wasn't cut up and I remember thinking that I couldn't even imagine feeling that way two years ago.
Keep making yourself stronger even in little tiny steps because they all add up. X
I feel you !!
When my XABF left me I could sense there was someone else on the scene. He was doing shady stuff like taking his phone to the toilet etc.
When he left I felt exactly like you do now.
It's a couple of years on now and we had lunch together recently. He told me how this woman was cheating on him and I laughed to myself about it
I wasn't cut up and I remember thinking that I couldn't even imagine feeling that way two years ago.
Keep making yourself stronger even in little tiny steps because they all add up. X
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Yeah, we broke up 3 months ago... some of my friends feel like I should be dating right now, and that I'll never get over him until I meet someone new.
Honeypig nailed it on the head.
I've been in rebound relationships. My ex-fiance was a rebound relationship. My heart was broken - he came sailing in. I threw myself into him 200% to forget the pain of my previous relationship. If I wasn't so desperate to forget previous boyfriend, I don't think I would have given ex-fiance the time of day. He had just gotten fired, and hadn't been in a relationship longer than six months even though he was 30+. We all know how well that turned out. He dumped me a couple months after he proposed, and I ended up naming a roast pig after him right around our Very Cancelled Wedding.
When I met my now husband a year and a half later, he thought I wasn't interested in him at all! I had so many plates spinning at that point that it was hard to squeeze him in. I wasn't playing hard to get on purpose, but I was confident and happy. We ended up exchanging emails for three weeks before our next date. They became our love letters - and I printed them out and keep them to this day.
PS. Ten years later after ex-fiance dumped me ALMOST TO THE DAY, I ran into him at a completely random place. He chased me down to the parking lot and apologized profusely. He kept on rambling about this and that and I remember feeling annoyed that he was making me late. When he broke up with me (via voicemail by the way), I had all these fantasies of telling him off in person. And now that the opportunity had presented itself, I no longer cared enough to expend the energy. I had completely detached from his drama. I wished him well and went back to my husband and son.
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I'm so glad I came to the board today. I had the same " friend" experience yesterday. Only difference is he is still unfortunately my husband. This (not so) wonderful friend says to me " from what I hear your husband has moved on to someone else ; he likes her better because he can feel comfortable having a drink around her "
I felt extremely hurt. So my marriage is over because I complained about his excessive and secret drinking habit < because he pawned items to drink ( his personal items) but still ? Really ? I'm feeling hurt all over again ( 1 year down) why I'm I still hurting > I feel like crying but No tears come out anymore
I felt extremely hurt. So my marriage is over because I complained about his excessive and secret drinking habit < because he pawned items to drink ( his personal items) but still ? Really ? I'm feeling hurt all over again ( 1 year down) why I'm I still hurting > I feel like crying but No tears come out anymore
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This is a sensitive subject with me. I got some really awful advice from someone close to me and for two years it has affected my self worth. After breaking up with my ex...telling my story...she first said I was strong then said "but you do have a way of making people feel pushed away." Then a week later she sent me an article on "how to love people with flaws."
So...people can suck. People lack tact and empathy. Often times experiences like this teach us the importance of showing others empathy. I will NEVER invalidate a hurting person and I bet you won't either now. This person is not someone to go to when you are hurting. There is no truth to her statement. Do not internalize what others say. Come here for support. Go to other supporive people. Do not let crappy statements tear you down.
So...people can suck. People lack tact and empathy. Often times experiences like this teach us the importance of showing others empathy. I will NEVER invalidate a hurting person and I bet you won't either now. This person is not someone to go to when you are hurting. There is no truth to her statement. Do not internalize what others say. Come here for support. Go to other supporive people. Do not let crappy statements tear you down.
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because of every ounce of myself that I poured into him and trying to help him become a better man,
He is an addict…………. you needed him not to be…………..end of that story.
Sometimes when we cut to the chase and simplify it all, it clears our thoughts for us to heal. It’s when we hold on tight to all that magical/fantasy what could have been if only they changed into who we think they can be stuff, that keeps us holding on and preventing proper healing.
Your friend sounds ignorant in her tuff love, don’t listen to that bad advice.
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Originally Posted by loveandmagic
There's a irrational part of me that feels as though I "own him" because of every ounce of myself that I poured into him and trying to help him become a better man, trying help him with his sobriety, the moments I cleaned up the blood on his face and took him to the emergency dentist to have fake teeth put in from having his face busted from a drunken fight, the days I called into work and cried with him when he went through withdrawal.... I know it sounds crazy. But... I obviously haven't let it go the way I thought I had this morning.
Addiction and co-dependency can mess around with the good parts of ourselves. Remember and honor the good things you did in that relationship, and resolve to learn from the mistakes you made.
Also, your friend sounds completely frenemy-ish. Why on earth would you tell someone that her ex is sleeping with other women?
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