Friend triggered a hysterical breakdown
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Let's ask a few questions here.
Have you forgotten why you broke up with him?
Do you think that when people break up they should stop any notion that they will see anyone again?
Is there an idea in your head that they should feel like they should try and get you back?
Do you feel that your ex should feel like you in this process.
In reality, you can only control one person
You
I'm not saying you should go out dating if you're not ready.
But you should stop caring about if he is or not. It only consumes you in the process. He could care less what it does to you. Why let him win again by letting what he does consume you?
Have you forgotten why you broke up with him?
Do you think that when people break up they should stop any notion that they will see anyone again?
Is there an idea in your head that they should feel like they should try and get you back?
Do you feel that your ex should feel like you in this process.
In reality, you can only control one person
You
I'm not saying you should go out dating if you're not ready.
But you should stop caring about if he is or not. It only consumes you in the process. He could care less what it does to you. Why let him win again by letting what he does consume you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 52
loveandmagic....You might benefit from the following:
Papers on Addiction and Recovery
There are several articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
You might appreciate the one......"The Addict's Dilemma" and...."Addiction, Lies, and Relationships".....and, "Excuses Alcoholics Make".....
It may help take some of the guilt and responsibility off your shoulders.
Alcoholics don't drink at us, or, necessarily, to hurt us...or, even because we aren't good enough....they drink because that is what alcoholics do...
When they DO drink...it is like major parts of their "normal" brains have been chemically removed.....
Papers on Addiction and Recovery
There are several articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
You might appreciate the one......"The Addict's Dilemma" and...."Addiction, Lies, and Relationships".....and, "Excuses Alcoholics Make".....
It may help take some of the guilt and responsibility off your shoulders.
Alcoholics don't drink at us, or, necessarily, to hurt us...or, even because we aren't good enough....they drink because that is what alcoholics do...
When they DO drink...it is like major parts of their "normal" brains have been chemically removed.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 52
Let's ask a few questions here.
Have you forgotten why you broke up with him?
Do you think that when people break up they should stop any notion that they will see anyone again?
Is there an idea in your head that they should feel like they should try and get you back?
Do you feel that your ex should feel like you in this process.
In reality, you can only control one person
You
I'm not saying you should go out dating if you're not ready.
But you should stop caring about if he is or not. It only consumes you in the process. He could care less what it does to you. Why let him win again by letting what he does consume you?
Have you forgotten why you broke up with him?
Do you think that when people break up they should stop any notion that they will see anyone again?
Is there an idea in your head that they should feel like they should try and get you back?
Do you feel that your ex should feel like you in this process.
In reality, you can only control one person
You
I'm not saying you should go out dating if you're not ready.
But you should stop caring about if he is or not. It only consumes you in the process. He could care less what it does to you. Why let him win again by letting what he does consume you?
I onviously am mentally aware of how absurd it all sounds... but... I just love him soooooo much. And I broke up with him with the intent of him getting his situation together bc he claimed focusing on his sobriety was difficult while trying to meet the needs of our relationship. And then it all backfired when he told me a month and a half later that he's not in love with me anymore, but he still has mad love for me and wants us to be friends. NOPE SORRY BYE.
If a "friend" said anything like that to me, they'd soon be gone from my life. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but it's none of your business any longer. I know how hard it is to stop someone living rent-free in your head, but it gets easier with time. So cry and take an action to help someone else, which always gets me out of my own head. A big hug.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Sorry you are going through this.
Friend shall zip it (and this needs to be communicated). Sorry if I am too blunt - but you don't love him - you are addicted to idea of what could have been and use a few good moments of intermittent reinforcement as a back up story.
I had a friend, and my own mother as well express a hope that XAH will find a good woman to take care of him. Because he is all destitute etc. Poor thing. I told mom to keep her genius thoughts to herself. Somehow she is not concerned about me "finding a good man". Lol. I definitely have FOO issues alright.
What helped me to fight temptation to call him and ask for answers etc was a list of "why I am divorcing him" things. It was incredibly powerful tool.
Have you checked out Al-Anon? Although you are no longer with your "qualifier" - I have a feeling you may find it useful.
And dump that friend - did I mention that already?
Friend shall zip it (and this needs to be communicated). Sorry if I am too blunt - but you don't love him - you are addicted to idea of what could have been and use a few good moments of intermittent reinforcement as a back up story.
I had a friend, and my own mother as well express a hope that XAH will find a good woman to take care of him. Because he is all destitute etc. Poor thing. I told mom to keep her genius thoughts to herself. Somehow she is not concerned about me "finding a good man". Lol. I definitely have FOO issues alright.
What helped me to fight temptation to call him and ask for answers etc was a list of "why I am divorcing him" things. It was incredibly powerful tool.
Have you checked out Al-Anon? Although you are no longer with your "qualifier" - I have a feeling you may find it useful.
And dump that friend - did I mention that already?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Thank you for this. It hit me like a sledgehammer to the chest. I feel like it knocked by breath out but it is also exactly what I needed to hear.
I have been doing this and I need to stop
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I guess I did not phrase it correctly - my apologies. I have no idea what other people are experiencing - but I distinctly remember experiencing feeling like I could not live without XAH, and "love", and feeling helpless, and want to make him better - and this is exactly what I was doing. I was in love with the potential.
I am sorry for your loss. Grief is a process - and it is hard to say when one "stops". Love yourself and care about yourself - and this requires being easy on timelines.
I am sorry for your loss. Grief is a process - and it is hard to say when one "stops". Love yourself and care about yourself - and this requires being easy on timelines.
The following links are part 1 and 2 of a reading about "Healing the Loss of a Dream." As has been pointed out, not only in this thread but in so many others all throughout this forum, what many of us are in "love" with is NOT the actual A, but with his/her potential, with what could be/might have been, with the dreams we had for the future. It's terribly hard when we begin to accept that those particular dreams will never come to fruition, but it's also an important part of healing to realize that what we are mourning is not so much the actual end of a relationship that often has pretty much rotted away already anyway, as it is about the loss of those hopes and plans.
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
I guess I did not phrase it correctly - my apologies. I have no idea what other people are experiencing - but I distinctly remember experiencing feeling like I could not live without XAH, and "love", and feeling helpless, and want to make him better - and this is exactly what I was doing. I was in love with the potential.
I am sorry for your loss. Grief is a process - and it is hard to say when one "stops". Love yourself and care about yourself - and this requires being easy on timelines.
I am sorry for your loss. Grief is a process - and it is hard to say when one "stops". Love yourself and care about yourself - and this requires being easy on timelines.
I think you phrased it perfectly.
It was a sincere thank you. I needed to and appreciate hearing this.
It did hurt my feelings for a second but only because it was sooo sooo true.
Again genuine thanks
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
The following links are part 1 and 2 of a reading about "Healing the Loss of a Dream." As has been pointed out, not only in this thread but in so many others all throughout this forum, what many of us are in "love" with is NOT the actual A, but with his/her potential, with what could be/might have been, with the dreams we had for the future. It's terribly hard when we begin to accept that those particular dreams will never come to fruition, but it's also an important part of healing to realize that what we are mourning is not so much the actual end of a relationship that often has pretty much rotted away already anyway, as it is about the loss of those hopes and plans.
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,887
The following links are part 1 and 2 of a reading about "Healing the Loss of a Dream." As has been pointed out, not only in this thread but in so many others all throughout this forum, what many of us are in "love" with is NOT the actual A, but with his/her potential, with what could be/might have been, with the dreams we had for the future. It's terribly hard when we begin to accept that those particular dreams will never come to fruition, but it's also an important part of healing to realize that what we are mourning is not so much the actual end of a relationship that often has pretty much rotted away already anyway, as it is about the loss of those hopes and plans.
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
I felt that a zillion times over leaving my qualifier. It wasn't him I greived. I can still taste how pretty that dream was and feel a bit of sadness for it.
Hang tough both LaM and HBG. You two are right in the meat of the hardwork of grieving. Whether it is a person or a dream, it must be grieved in order to heal and move on.
Wishing you both moments where the pain lightens at least a bit.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)