Channeling frustration into something productive
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Channeling frustration into something productive
Hello all. I have started to submit applications for a new place for the kids and I.
Not how I imagined it or wanted it to go this time, but I need to take control and stop waiting on and counting on AH to make the move. I don't think a timeline will honestly work with him as the time comes and passes and nothing ever changes unless I am the one getting it done. I can go the legal route too. And will keep that in mind depending on how things pan out.
I found a cute place that would keep the kids at the same school and would fit us nicely. We shall see. At least I feel like I am doing something to progress and not feel so stuck and at mercy of him.
I have two viewing appointments this Friday. Feeling in control. Feeling better today. Baby steps.
Not how I imagined it or wanted it to go this time, but I need to take control and stop waiting on and counting on AH to make the move. I don't think a timeline will honestly work with him as the time comes and passes and nothing ever changes unless I am the one getting it done. I can go the legal route too. And will keep that in mind depending on how things pan out.
I found a cute place that would keep the kids at the same school and would fit us nicely. We shall see. At least I feel like I am doing something to progress and not feel so stuck and at mercy of him.
I have two viewing appointments this Friday. Feeling in control. Feeling better today. Baby steps.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Can you afford it? If he decides he's not going to make the mortgage payment anymore, can you afford THAT, too, so your credit isn't ruined? He could quit paying, and it would take months and months for a foreclosure and eventual eviction. I just wanna make sure you are thinking through all of the contingencies. You'll also need an interim custody/visitation order (which you would need even if he moves out). I know you have paperwork, but I forget whether you're working with an attorney.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Lexie- I am doing my best to find something within my little budget. I am working with an attorney, yes. Have temporary orders drafted up and all that.
Our current home we rent, and I can also afford that payment. He just won't leave lol So I am working all avenues, leaving no stone unturned I guess.
I've done this before...and survived. The key here is to not give up and move back home after 4 months ...like last time
Also, I have applied for some state benefits that we qualify for so that alleviates some stress on the budget. (Food stamps and daycare allowance)
Whether he leaves or we do, my budget will be tight. Doable though.
Picking up additional hours and some side work will help finances.
Makes me feel better to take some control.
Our current home we rent, and I can also afford that payment. He just won't leave lol So I am working all avenues, leaving no stone unturned I guess.
I've done this before...and survived. The key here is to not give up and move back home after 4 months ...like last time
Also, I have applied for some state benefits that we qualify for so that alleviates some stress on the budget. (Food stamps and daycare allowance)
Whether he leaves or we do, my budget will be tight. Doable though.
Picking up additional hours and some side work will help finances.
Makes me feel better to take some control.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, good to hear. I didn't remember exactly what your housing situation was, or whether you had a lawyer on board. Sounds like you're thinking it through, which is great. Tight money is something you can live with when you've got peace and freedom otherwise.
Good luck--it's really exciting/fun to look forward to that. My first place after I left second husband was sort of a "hole"--especially after the nice house we'd been living in. But within six months or so I took my old job back and moved into the same nice apartment complex where I'd live before--corner apartment on the twelfth floor with a view of the Philadelphia skyline out one side, and a view of a park with a river and boat racing on the other.
Man, and to think I gave that up for the dubious joys of homeownership (I'm the one with the crappy foundation).
Good luck--it's really exciting/fun to look forward to that. My first place after I left second husband was sort of a "hole"--especially after the nice house we'd been living in. But within six months or so I took my old job back and moved into the same nice apartment complex where I'd live before--corner apartment on the twelfth floor with a view of the Philadelphia skyline out one side, and a view of a park with a river and boat racing on the other.
Man, and to think I gave that up for the dubious joys of homeownership (I'm the one with the crappy foundation).
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Westexy 
Congratulations Thousand! You're progress is inspirational. You sound like you very much have it together.
Fake it 'til you make it, Westexy!
haha. But, thank you- really.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords....good on doing the groundwork...
My suggestion--can you remember, specifically, the reasons that you returned, last time you left?
Was it lonliness? financial hardship? belief that he had "quit for good"? thinking that he had learned his lesson and would do anything to "keep you?....Did you have selective recall about the "good" times.....?....Were his manipulation carrots irrestible?...........etc.
It might be very helpful to give this some thought....so that it can become your to-do list to focus on with your counselor.....
My suggestion--can you remember, specifically, the reasons that you returned, last time you left?
Was it lonliness? financial hardship? belief that he had "quit for good"? thinking that he had learned his lesson and would do anything to "keep you?....Did you have selective recall about the "good" times.....?....Were his manipulation carrots irrestible?...........etc.
It might be very helpful to give this some thought....so that it can become your to-do list to focus on with your counselor.....
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion
thousandwords....good on doing the groundwork...
My suggestion--can you remember, specifically, the reasons that you returned, last time you left?
Was it lonliness? financial hardship? belief that he had "quit for good"? thinking that he had learned his lesson and would do anything to "keep you?....Did you have selective recall about the "good" times.....?....Were his manipulation carrots irrestible?...........etc.
It might be very helpful to give this some thought....so that it can become your to-do list to focus on with your counselor.....
My suggestion--can you remember, specifically, the reasons that you returned, last time you left?
Was it lonliness? financial hardship? belief that he had "quit for good"? thinking that he had learned his lesson and would do anything to "keep you?....Did you have selective recall about the "good" times.....?....Were his manipulation carrots irrestible?...........etc.
It might be very helpful to give this some thought....so that it can become your to-do list to focus on with your counselor.....
He is very very good at playing good and loving. He believes his own bs as much as I do/did.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by firebolt
You sound like you are in COMPLETE control! Good job mama!!
I realized last night I am experiencing emotions I have stuffed forever:
Anger, Fear, Sadness.. I am feeling it all right now. Hummer too: thanks for giving me a reality check that I am doing ok. I really needed to hear that today.
hugs to all.
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