LexieCat

I think there's a tendency in a lot of us, once we've discovered that all of our problems weren't caused by the alcoholic--that we're pretty screwed up, ourselves--to run around and try to FIX everything at once.

Feeling lonely? Go out and join a church or do volunteer work or whatever. Let ourselves go? Join a gym, start a diet, quit smoking. Stuck in an unsatisfying job? Look for a new one, get another degree, change careers. Get a new hairstyle, get a facelift, search for your ancestors.

And really, there's nothing wrong with doing any of those things. But it's very easy to get into recovery "overdrive" and burn ourselves out before we even get started.

I'm a big believer in triage. Figure out which wounds are most serious, and start by addressing that. Little by little, you can address some of the other things, one step at a time.

SparkleKitty

Guy, low (or rather "no") self-esteem was the core of my codependency. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for about ten months, but before that--long before that--I was the child of an alcoholic mother and severely codependent father.

Growing up in that environment, I had no foundation for a healthy sense of self. My whole family cycloned around the alcoholic, 24/7. My mother focused on her drinking and her own pain and anger, my father focused on her, and the three kids spent our formative years simultaneously trying not to set off any landmines and trying to be so perfect that no one would have to yell or drink or feel bad ever. No one was paying attention to us. To me. Not even me.

As an adult, my codependency manifested by my always chasing relationship after relationship, and I was singularly un-choosy in my partners. Literally anyone who paid attention to me would do, and if that option wasn't available, I would pick the single most unavailable person to focus all of MY attention on.

Eventually I (SOMEHOW) married a wonderful, wonderful guy, and thought I was the luckiest person in the world. I also thought, deep down, that I had pulled some massive trick on the world for thinking I was worthy of this terrific person. After five years, unable to live with the disconnect of being loved by someone else FAR more than I was capable of loving myself, I imploded my own marriage and my entire life.

I could no longer afford to continue on as I was--now here I was, hurting other people as much as I had always been hurting. I got into therapy. I cried for 6 months. And then my therapist and I dug into my family of origin.

I had to have another person tell me that my mother's alcoholism and unhappiness wasn't my fault.

I had to have her tell me that just because I had a mother who was incapable of being the kind of mother I needed her to be, didn't mean I wasn't worthy of being loved and cared for in the way she was supposed to.

I had to have her explain to me that I was not worthless just because I couldn't define myself by whoever I was married to, dating, or sleeping with.

And I didn't get it right away. I *did* however get that I had a lot more work to do.

I was on my own for three years after that. During those three years, I took esteemable actions. I wrote a book. I spent time with people who genuinely liked me. I decided to try engaging with my life as just 100% me. I stayed in therapy. I learned to love and respect myself for the first time ever.

And then what did I do with all that? When I finally decided I was ready to try dating again? Got involved with an alcoholic. Of course!

My therapist said to me, "As long as you know that all you're really doing is committing yourself to someone who is not the partner you deserve, so that when, possibly, the right person does come along, you won't be available."

I was so furious with her for saying. I felt like she had no right.

Seven months later, I was kicking him out of my apartment after months of lies and promises, a jail stint, a ruined Christmas tree, multiple disappointments and strings of verbal abuse because I realized she was right. I was trying to fix him the way I wasn't able to fix my mother. And I couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't my job. It never had been. Finally, FINALLY, I was free.

It wasn't long after I started seeing the man I've been married to for the last seven years, with for the last ten. I am so glad I didn't meet him ONE SECOND before I did, because I wouldn't have been ready.

My self-esteem, and my life, didn't really start until I worked (and talked, and talked, and talked...) through all of that. I lament those years and the people I hurt. But I've made my amends and let it go. My ex-husband and I are even still very good friends. My mother is still alive but not a part of my life. My siblings and I are still fractured in many ways, but I hope we are able to move on together more and more as we get older.

Mostly, I have learned that self-love and self-respect is truly the only thing in life worth having, and that it makes all other things possible.

HeartbrokenGuy

Thank you Sparklekitty

Your story made me extremely sad and yet gave me tons of hope that maybe I too can figure this thing out with some time and effort.

theuncertainty

I think that when we (those of us with loved ones who are alcoholics or addicts) finally seek out a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen, we tend to feel we're being really needy when, in fact, we're just being human. I think we get so focused on the other(s) that we forget we're allowed to need support, too. And it's not being needy, it's simply being human. If any of our friends came to use needing to talk about a loved one they lost, we'd be more than willing to lend an ear and we wouldn't feel they were being needy at all. It's no different when we're the ones trying to work through our feelings and grief.

So all of that to write: I don't think you're being needy and I hope you don't feel the need to limit your posts when you need to talk.

NYCDoglvr

What I learned is if I want self esteem I have to take "esteemable" actions. Like helping someone else, doing positive things for myself. I can't reason my way to liking myself, it takes action.

Maudcat

Kudos, HBG. Every now and again a thread resonates strongly with many people. This is one.
You have clearly made people think about self-esteem, or the lack thereof.
I did not value myself when I was young. I was more interested in whether someone liked me, as opposed to thinking about whether or not I liked THEM.
Had many a one night stand and some disastrous relationships as a result.
Over time, however, I came to feel pretty remarkable.
I am a capable sewer and knitter.
I earned my undergraduate degree as an adult. It took 7 years.
Then I earned a master's.
I worked at the university while attending courses so that I wouldnt have debt.
And, if I do say so, I am hilarious.
You wouldn't know it from my posts, but I am.
I say these things without apology because it took a long, long time for me to really like and value the person I am.
Enlightenment comes when it comes. Hang in there. Think about yourself. What is remarkable about you?
This, by the way, is not a competition. As my whiners anonymous friend, least, says, find the good, and praise it.