Abandonment and guilt
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
Abandonment and guilt
Last time I posted was the Friday after where-are-his-pants-gate 2017. He drank more days than not that week and dropped out of outpatient after 30 day inpatient and 2 week's sobriety.
That night he asked me if I was going to Alanon the next morning. Yes, I said. Early the morning of he said he wanted to ride with me but would not go to the simultaneous AA meeting. Weird, but ok. I thought if he saw people going in there was a chance he would follow. He went to the store and was drunk and irritable by the time we left at 10:30am. By that time I realised he was going so he could monitor me; he doesn't like me going to Alanon and his drinking makes him paranoid. He was eyeing the grocery store attached to the meeting site as I pulled into the parking lot. I knew his plans but willed myself into the meeting. It is a large meeting, 40 or so people, the topic was light but I cried the whole time. I jumped every time the door opened, afraid it was him even drunker and looking for a fight. (Side note on how accepting Alanon people are. No one batted an eye, just said they were glad I was there without having a clue who I was.)
When I returned to the car, he was passed out, feet spread on dash, and covered in pork rinds. I quietly buckled him in as AA and Alanon peeps walked by for good measure, then drove carefully home not to wake him. He awoke as I pulled in the driveway. He started in on me the minute we were inside. He followed me room to room, sometimes blocking me in, ranting about everything from me locking him up in rehab (he chose to stay) and me being pregnant by someone from Alanon (too absurd to address here). The verbal assault lasted nearly 3 hours before I pretended to be asleep so he'd lay down and pass out. I was afraid to leave considering what happened the Saturday before. At one point he said it was my fault and would happened again if I left this time, and that it would ruin both our lives. I recorded most of that afternoon and I've started keeping a digital diary. If anything just to remind myself.
The next morning went as usual. He was remorseful, teary eyed, and knew something happened but said he couldn't remember specifics. He voluntarily went to the 11am AA meeting. I was a nervous wreck. Nauseated (evidence of pregnancy according to him), chest pains, and hot flashes. They start selling alcohol at noon Sundays, and I had no idea who was going to walk through that door. When the garage door opened at 12:45 I was visibly trembling and crying. The sound of the garage door gives me a Pavlov's dog reaction now, just a kick in the gut feeling. He was sober, but had the audacity to complain about the speaker.
I knew at that moment I had to have help to leave. I talk a good game, but freeze, get sucked back in, and take no action. My family has witnessed his drinking, but have no idea of the extent, his treatment, or the verbal and emotional abuse. I had a plan. I was going take off work one day that week so AH wouldn't know to have lunch with my dad ask for help. With him, there could be no minimizing. He had the resources to get me out quickly and safely. AH would have reason to fear repercussions if he harassed me, dad would protect me. I avoided this step because I knew if I involved my dad there was no going back. But it was time, and I needed him to help cut off that decision for me.
A few hours later, I found out my father had died sometime overnight.
The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster. AH miraculously abstained that week while I made arrangements and started handling the estate. He was sober, patient and supportive. He was also drunk within 2 hours of getting home. There have been a myriad of incidents with a few good days randomly sprinkled in. He is drinking openly now, with no plans for sobriety. He thinks the only reason his drinking is a problem is because he in unemployed. Everything will be fixed when he gets a job.
I'm moving forward with my plan. Go bags are still packed, I'm moving my small valuables to a safety deposit box a little bit each day, and I forwarded my mail to a PO box. I've looked at apartments and have a list of those I like. I have no friends, the closest thing is a co-worker who went through an ugly divorce a few years ago. It was awkward, but I told her I was having trouble at home, asked if I could call her and stay with the dogs for a couple nights in an emergency. She said yes.
Now for the guilt. He has been unemployed 6 months and seems incapable of understanding our financial situation. We have depleted our savings (he spends $700 monthly on booze) and I can only pay 2 more mortgages, even if I stay. We have equity, but cannot put the house on the market now since he is too drunk too often to let people in. I cannot support 2 households. When I leave I have to stop paying the mortgage, utilities, car payment and car insurance. I will have to file for divorce quickly to stop the financial destruction and be able to get the remainder of my things, hopefully with an officer escort. This will cancel his health insurance, so further treatment won't be an option. I'm doing everything I can to help him get a job. He went from such a successful man to so close to being destitute in just a few years.
I feared the man I fell in love with was gone forever until he was in treatment. That time and the 2 weeks that followed proved me wrong. He is still in there somewhere, deep inside. I wish he would have never gone so maybe I could convince myself there's nothing of him left. This is so hard; I hope I get the courage soon.
That night he asked me if I was going to Alanon the next morning. Yes, I said. Early the morning of he said he wanted to ride with me but would not go to the simultaneous AA meeting. Weird, but ok. I thought if he saw people going in there was a chance he would follow. He went to the store and was drunk and irritable by the time we left at 10:30am. By that time I realised he was going so he could monitor me; he doesn't like me going to Alanon and his drinking makes him paranoid. He was eyeing the grocery store attached to the meeting site as I pulled into the parking lot. I knew his plans but willed myself into the meeting. It is a large meeting, 40 or so people, the topic was light but I cried the whole time. I jumped every time the door opened, afraid it was him even drunker and looking for a fight. (Side note on how accepting Alanon people are. No one batted an eye, just said they were glad I was there without having a clue who I was.)
When I returned to the car, he was passed out, feet spread on dash, and covered in pork rinds. I quietly buckled him in as AA and Alanon peeps walked by for good measure, then drove carefully home not to wake him. He awoke as I pulled in the driveway. He started in on me the minute we were inside. He followed me room to room, sometimes blocking me in, ranting about everything from me locking him up in rehab (he chose to stay) and me being pregnant by someone from Alanon (too absurd to address here). The verbal assault lasted nearly 3 hours before I pretended to be asleep so he'd lay down and pass out. I was afraid to leave considering what happened the Saturday before. At one point he said it was my fault and would happened again if I left this time, and that it would ruin both our lives. I recorded most of that afternoon and I've started keeping a digital diary. If anything just to remind myself.
The next morning went as usual. He was remorseful, teary eyed, and knew something happened but said he couldn't remember specifics. He voluntarily went to the 11am AA meeting. I was a nervous wreck. Nauseated (evidence of pregnancy according to him), chest pains, and hot flashes. They start selling alcohol at noon Sundays, and I had no idea who was going to walk through that door. When the garage door opened at 12:45 I was visibly trembling and crying. The sound of the garage door gives me a Pavlov's dog reaction now, just a kick in the gut feeling. He was sober, but had the audacity to complain about the speaker.
I knew at that moment I had to have help to leave. I talk a good game, but freeze, get sucked back in, and take no action. My family has witnessed his drinking, but have no idea of the extent, his treatment, or the verbal and emotional abuse. I had a plan. I was going take off work one day that week so AH wouldn't know to have lunch with my dad ask for help. With him, there could be no minimizing. He had the resources to get me out quickly and safely. AH would have reason to fear repercussions if he harassed me, dad would protect me. I avoided this step because I knew if I involved my dad there was no going back. But it was time, and I needed him to help cut off that decision for me.
A few hours later, I found out my father had died sometime overnight.
The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster. AH miraculously abstained that week while I made arrangements and started handling the estate. He was sober, patient and supportive. He was also drunk within 2 hours of getting home. There have been a myriad of incidents with a few good days randomly sprinkled in. He is drinking openly now, with no plans for sobriety. He thinks the only reason his drinking is a problem is because he in unemployed. Everything will be fixed when he gets a job.
I'm moving forward with my plan. Go bags are still packed, I'm moving my small valuables to a safety deposit box a little bit each day, and I forwarded my mail to a PO box. I've looked at apartments and have a list of those I like. I have no friends, the closest thing is a co-worker who went through an ugly divorce a few years ago. It was awkward, but I told her I was having trouble at home, asked if I could call her and stay with the dogs for a couple nights in an emergency. She said yes.
Now for the guilt. He has been unemployed 6 months and seems incapable of understanding our financial situation. We have depleted our savings (he spends $700 monthly on booze) and I can only pay 2 more mortgages, even if I stay. We have equity, but cannot put the house on the market now since he is too drunk too often to let people in. I cannot support 2 households. When I leave I have to stop paying the mortgage, utilities, car payment and car insurance. I will have to file for divorce quickly to stop the financial destruction and be able to get the remainder of my things, hopefully with an officer escort. This will cancel his health insurance, so further treatment won't be an option. I'm doing everything I can to help him get a job. He went from such a successful man to so close to being destitute in just a few years.
I feared the man I fell in love with was gone forever until he was in treatment. That time and the 2 weeks that followed proved me wrong. He is still in there somewhere, deep inside. I wish he would have never gone so maybe I could convince myself there's nothing of him left. This is so hard; I hope I get the courage soon.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Wow, first of all I am so sorry about your father. That news would be hard under any circumstances, but yours are so extreme...
I think given all of that, it is time to get out of there. You shouldn't have to feel like a hostage in your own home. The alcohol use is abuse in and of itself, but the way he treats you and blames you is unacceptable.
Re: the unemployment factor... A stupid excuse. If he got a job with these issues, he would lose it in a week. Alcoholics always have excuses and timelines that are totally not based in reality.
Frankly he is obviously not ready to stop. You've given him plenty of chances. Passing out in a car at 10 am? That's crazy. I'm sure somewhere he's still the man you love, but he's not that person now. I'm glad you're looking into getting out!
I think given all of that, it is time to get out of there. You shouldn't have to feel like a hostage in your own home. The alcohol use is abuse in and of itself, but the way he treats you and blames you is unacceptable.
Re: the unemployment factor... A stupid excuse. If he got a job with these issues, he would lose it in a week. Alcoholics always have excuses and timelines that are totally not based in reality.
Frankly he is obviously not ready to stop. You've given him plenty of chances. Passing out in a car at 10 am? That's crazy. I'm sure somewhere he's still the man you love, but he's not that person now. I'm glad you're looking into getting out!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
First of all, I am so very sorry about your dad. To have your protector gone in the midst of all of this must be so painful. Please keep his spirit in mind as you make your decisions, and do exactly what HE would have wanted you to do.
There is SO much here I identify with, although you are much younger than I. Such as, the accusation of other men (I can't even repeat some of the accusations he makes, and those accusations are so totally laughable, given I'm 65. Jeez!).
The witnessing of a vital, gainfully self-employed individual becoming basically one with the lounge chair day after day, after his employees quit due to his "disrespect" of them
The money spent on addiction (your number pretty much matches mine, but mine's a bit higher)
Also the whole question of how much house can I really afford is a constant question in my head as well, and I won't hijack this post with my issue, but just let it be known that AHs drinking probably sunk a very good deal on selling a house that AH/BIL are co-owners of, just when we were ready to set a closing date. That house sale also represents freedom for me in a couple of different ways, so I am praying for a miracle this afternoon when the lawyer responds. AH is quaking in his boots because he knows his response was not appropriate, but the water is under the bridge.
In short, you do have the courage to do what you need to do. You just have to acknowledge it so it can guide you.
Thanks for the update.
There is SO much here I identify with, although you are much younger than I. Such as, the accusation of other men (I can't even repeat some of the accusations he makes, and those accusations are so totally laughable, given I'm 65. Jeez!).
The witnessing of a vital, gainfully self-employed individual becoming basically one with the lounge chair day after day, after his employees quit due to his "disrespect" of them
The money spent on addiction (your number pretty much matches mine, but mine's a bit higher)
Also the whole question of how much house can I really afford is a constant question in my head as well, and I won't hijack this post with my issue, but just let it be known that AHs drinking probably sunk a very good deal on selling a house that AH/BIL are co-owners of, just when we were ready to set a closing date. That house sale also represents freedom for me in a couple of different ways, so I am praying for a miracle this afternoon when the lawyer responds. AH is quaking in his boots because he knows his response was not appropriate, but the water is under the bridge.
In short, you do have the courage to do what you need to do. You just have to acknowledge it so it can guide you.
Thanks for the update.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I am so sorry for your loss. Please give yourself room to grieve and mourn. I'm also sorry you can't rely on your AH for support, and that he is actively discouraging you from getting help. I used to avoid Al Anon because I didn't want to leave him alone in the house any more than I had to, especially with the kids. I'm glad you got to your meeting.
My life got a lot more manageable once I wasn't trying to help my ex reach his potential and turn him into someone I could rely on. The thing about trying to get a job really struck a chord with me. My ex was the same way, would spend days on end too drunk to function or think clearly. Most of what I thought was him "functioning" was really me propping up his dead weight and taking care of almost literally every adult chore in the house, except for those things he insisted were "his." Not that he did those things with any regularity, or even as they needed doing, but I was guaranteed a screaming tirade if I did any of his things.
But for some reason I thought that him getting a job would help that. So I got him a job where I worked. You called in to clock in and out, so he would just use the home phone when he was to drunk to get up. He just ended up having more money to drink. And he often had little "fender bender" accidents which meant us replacing tires, etc. on the car. So him having a job was not the miraculous solution I hoped for. He ended up drinking more often and more high-powered booze and in bars where he would get robbed or lose his wallet and it cost us a ton to keep fixing the car so I could actually go to work. We honestly probably lost money because of him "working." Then I took DS and went to visit my mom for the summer and he quit that job as soon as we pulled out of the driveway to leave, even though he didn't actually have to go in to get paid, lol.
If someone can't manage to sober up often enough for you to show a house that it sounds like you really need to sell, how is he going to hold down a job? I didn't realize what a tremendous drain on me and my resources that relationship was until I was away from it for awhile. So sorry for all that you're going through. Glad you're reaching out.
My life got a lot more manageable once I wasn't trying to help my ex reach his potential and turn him into someone I could rely on. The thing about trying to get a job really struck a chord with me. My ex was the same way, would spend days on end too drunk to function or think clearly. Most of what I thought was him "functioning" was really me propping up his dead weight and taking care of almost literally every adult chore in the house, except for those things he insisted were "his." Not that he did those things with any regularity, or even as they needed doing, but I was guaranteed a screaming tirade if I did any of his things.
But for some reason I thought that him getting a job would help that. So I got him a job where I worked. You called in to clock in and out, so he would just use the home phone when he was to drunk to get up. He just ended up having more money to drink. And he often had little "fender bender" accidents which meant us replacing tires, etc. on the car. So him having a job was not the miraculous solution I hoped for. He ended up drinking more often and more high-powered booze and in bars where he would get robbed or lose his wallet and it cost us a ton to keep fixing the car so I could actually go to work. We honestly probably lost money because of him "working." Then I took DS and went to visit my mom for the summer and he quit that job as soon as we pulled out of the driveway to leave, even though he didn't actually have to go in to get paid, lol.
If someone can't manage to sober up often enough for you to show a house that it sounds like you really need to sell, how is he going to hold down a job? I didn't realize what a tremendous drain on me and my resources that relationship was until I was away from it for awhile. So sorry for all that you're going through. Glad you're reaching out.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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AA is free.
Sometimes, re-framing our story can help us find the courage to move on. You are not "abandoning" him like a small puppy or a child who cannot fend for themselves. You are letting go of him so that he may have the dignity of being responsible for the consequences of his choices.
Besides, staying with him has not helped him any, merely enabled him to continue falling deeper and deeper into his addiction. Perhaps saving yourself is will encourage him to pursue saving himself.
I am so sorry for the loss of your father.
Sometimes, re-framing our story can help us find the courage to move on. You are not "abandoning" him like a small puppy or a child who cannot fend for themselves. You are letting go of him so that he may have the dignity of being responsible for the consequences of his choices.
Besides, staying with him has not helped him any, merely enabled him to continue falling deeper and deeper into his addiction. Perhaps saving yourself is will encourage him to pursue saving himself.
I am so sorry for the loss of your father.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm truly sorry about the loss of your Dad, too, but let me echo the thought that he would want you to take care of yourself.
Health insurance isn't canceled until the divorce is final. That could be months and months away. Have you met with a lawyer for advice? You can generally ask for temporary possession of the home pending the divorce. When I left my ex holding the bag for the rental he had signed a new leas on, against my instructions, I left him with one month's rent and told him it was up to him to deal with breaking the lease. He found a tiny efficiency apartment and lived off his disability payments.
Alcoholics are very resourceful. He can find a friend to stay with or stay at a shelter, worst case scenario.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. This entire situation is of his own making. You have a right to be free of verbal abuse and the chaos of living with active alcoholism.
Health insurance isn't canceled until the divorce is final. That could be months and months away. Have you met with a lawyer for advice? You can generally ask for temporary possession of the home pending the divorce. When I left my ex holding the bag for the rental he had signed a new leas on, against my instructions, I left him with one month's rent and told him it was up to him to deal with breaking the lease. He found a tiny efficiency apartment and lived off his disability payments.
Alcoholics are very resourceful. He can find a friend to stay with or stay at a shelter, worst case scenario.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. This entire situation is of his own making. You have a right to be free of verbal abuse and the chaos of living with active alcoholism.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i am so sorry for the loss of your father.
your husband's situation is entirely of his own doing. i understand the desire to leave him in as good a shape as possible, but i doubt the efforts will be appreciated or long-lasting. none of this should be a surprise to him, altho i'm sure he'll try to play that card. you can't SAVE people who keep bitching about the color of the life preserver you throw to them!!!!
your husband's situation is entirely of his own doing. i understand the desire to leave him in as good a shape as possible, but i doubt the efforts will be appreciated or long-lasting. none of this should be a surprise to him, altho i'm sure he'll try to play that card. you can't SAVE people who keep bitching about the color of the life preserver you throw to them!!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Anvilhead that life preserver comment is so great! And SO true. Active alcoholics take advantage of any situation that will support their habit - and this is coming from a once active alcoholic. I was a different person when drinking/seeking out booze. It takes a bit of time without drinking to realize that.
While I understand the terrible compulsion this man feels, he seems unapologetic and mean. It's 2017 - seems like half the world is dealing with addiction of some kind and it's becoming more acceptable to own up to it. No matter what you do for him, unless it's sitting down and slamming beers with him, I doubt it will be appreciated.
While I understand the terrible compulsion this man feels, he seems unapologetic and mean. It's 2017 - seems like half the world is dealing with addiction of some kind and it's becoming more acceptable to own up to it. No matter what you do for him, unless it's sitting down and slamming beers with him, I doubt it will be appreciated.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
So sorry to hear that you have lost your father.
The content of your post filled me with fear and you are living like that every day - you are definitely not abandoning him and you definitely don't deserve to live this way.
Wishing you much peace and strength for the future.
The content of your post filled me with fear and you are living like that every day - you are definitely not abandoning him and you definitely don't deserve to live this way.
Wishing you much peace and strength for the future.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My condolences, the death of a parent is traumatic for us all. You can't save him but you can save yourself. I got enormous support at Alanon, they held me together while I cut the ties. A sponsor said: "feel the feelings and do it anyway" and "just do the next right thing". A big hug.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
I am so sorry for everything you are experiencing - the people here know how to help and I have never seen a lost cause of a situation that can't be helped no matter what the circumstances feel like. Guilt and abandonment are rampant in codependent relationships. It's that which ties me to my qualifier (I too talk a big game and then these things just grab a hold of me when I am ready to stand up for myself). It's either speed in the passengers seat with them toward that brick wall or jump out of the moving car. I fear mostly now for the level of stress on you and your "pavlovian" like responses to him coming home. You are suffering greatly and under great distress. I couldn't understand from your post if you are carrying a child or he just thinks you are, but if you are, please do everything you can to lower your stress for the health of you and baby. (if no baby, I would say the same).....ahh always so much easier to tell ppl than to listen to my own advice :/
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm very sorry about the loss of your father, especially under such trying circumstances. That's a big blow.
It sounds like you already know what you need to do and have everything set to leave - I encourage you to move forward and act on your plans. Sometimes we need to act first and wait for our emotions to catch up later. Like everyone else says, you have nothing to feel guilty about - he has made choices which have screwed up his life and there is nothing you could have done to stop him.
However, he will probably try to make you feel guilty after you leave, so be prepared with some self-talk to remind yourself that he is not your responsibility, he is his own responsibility.
It is indeed sad to watch a successful, capable person slide down into addiction like your stbx has done, but don't confuse those feelings of sadness and loss over "what might have been" with feelings of responsibility for the mess.
On a practical note, if you're that close to the edge financially (savings depleted and can only cover two more mortgage payments), you need to act quickly to separate your finances and avoid long-term damage to your credit. Talk to your bank and see what your options are.
It sounds like you already know what you need to do and have everything set to leave - I encourage you to move forward and act on your plans. Sometimes we need to act first and wait for our emotions to catch up later. Like everyone else says, you have nothing to feel guilty about - he has made choices which have screwed up his life and there is nothing you could have done to stop him.
However, he will probably try to make you feel guilty after you leave, so be prepared with some self-talk to remind yourself that he is not your responsibility, he is his own responsibility.
It is indeed sad to watch a successful, capable person slide down into addiction like your stbx has done, but don't confuse those feelings of sadness and loss over "what might have been" with feelings of responsibility for the mess.
On a practical note, if you're that close to the edge financially (savings depleted and can only cover two more mortgage payments), you need to act quickly to separate your finances and avoid long-term damage to your credit. Talk to your bank and see what your options are.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
My life got a lot more manageable once I wasn't trying to help my ex reach his potential and turn him into someone I could rely on. The thing about trying to get a job really struck a chord with me. My ex was the same way, would spend days on end too drunk to function or think clearly. Most of what I thought was him "functioning" was really me propping up his dead weight and taking care of almost literally every adult chore in the house, except for those things he insisted were "his." Not that he did those things with any regularity, or even as they needed doing, but I was guaranteed a screaming tirade if I did any of his things.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
FIRST- YOU NOW, NOT HIM. Your dad died. You are grieving- dad and the person you once lived with who you loved. Without serious effort by himself- that person is gone. You need to look after yourself. Not him. Not your control. Rest, eat, hydrate and go to al-anon without him. Get out- now.
I empathise more than I can say. Support to you. Keep posting. PJ.
I empathise more than I can say. Support to you. Keep posting. PJ.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Smarie78
I couldn't understand from your post if you are carrying a child or he just thinks you are, but if you are, please do everything you can to lower your stress for the health of you and baby. (if no baby, I would say the same).....ahh always so much easier to tell ppl than to listen to my own advice :/
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
It is both comforting and sad that so many people relate, thank you.
I continue to go to therapy weekly and am still taking baby steps. I have consulted an attny. He suggested leaving and filing at the same time. Where I live that starts an automatic financial restraining order and the 60 day waiting period starts. Unless he contests, it will be final on day 61 and the insurance cancels.
Financially, I mostly fear damage he may cause with a vehicle. I get some protection if I've filed. There is no legal seperation middle ground here.
Growing up my mother was married to an abusive alcoholic. I lost respect for her as I grew older because I didn't understand how a woman could let her children live in such an environment. Looking back now, i see she was uneducated, no job skills, very rarely had a car, and if so, he kept her low on cash for gas, intentionally I'm sure. I have all the means and methods she didn't yet I'm just as frozen. Hell, i just realized that marriage was only 5 years, I have double under my belt.
He continues his antics almost every night and the same doe eyes every morning.
I do not have delusions a job will fix anything for long, but maybe it will help me feel less guilty about leaving?? Like I'm not kicking him while he's down? I think it will atleast give me some peace in the evenings. When he was working, towards the end, he'd get home, binge, and pass out, leaving me about 3 hours alone in the house to do as I pleased. I need time to handle the estate and just relax in peace and quiet.
I don't know. Maybe I've just replaced "it'll get better when" with a "I'll leave when". Neither "when" moto has worked well for me so far.
I continue to go to therapy weekly and am still taking baby steps. I have consulted an attny. He suggested leaving and filing at the same time. Where I live that starts an automatic financial restraining order and the 60 day waiting period starts. Unless he contests, it will be final on day 61 and the insurance cancels.
Financially, I mostly fear damage he may cause with a vehicle. I get some protection if I've filed. There is no legal seperation middle ground here.
Growing up my mother was married to an abusive alcoholic. I lost respect for her as I grew older because I didn't understand how a woman could let her children live in such an environment. Looking back now, i see she was uneducated, no job skills, very rarely had a car, and if so, he kept her low on cash for gas, intentionally I'm sure. I have all the means and methods she didn't yet I'm just as frozen. Hell, i just realized that marriage was only 5 years, I have double under my belt.
He continues his antics almost every night and the same doe eyes every morning.
I do not have delusions a job will fix anything for long, but maybe it will help me feel less guilty about leaving?? Like I'm not kicking him while he's down? I think it will atleast give me some peace in the evenings. When he was working, towards the end, he'd get home, binge, and pass out, leaving me about 3 hours alone in the house to do as I pleased. I need time to handle the estate and just relax in peace and quiet.
I don't know. Maybe I've just replaced "it'll get better when" with a "I'll leave when". Neither "when" moto has worked well for me so far.
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