LaceyDallas

I have a meeting for work with someone I've had a friendship with for 12 years. He works in a different office than I do, so I do not have to see him every day. Long story short, he keeps blowing me off to go sit in the bar by himself. He has dragged me to meetings (I'm sober) with no real intention to work the program, do steps, get a sponsor, etc. He is just playing the game, and I'm tired of it. I no longer want to be his friend. I unfriended him on Facebook, but I don't know if he uses it often enough to notice.

He may want to go out to lunch tomorrow after the meeting. I have no interest in going and playing along like he has a normal life and is not an alcoholic. I'm over that game. I have ACOA issues with my own mom to deal with right now- this is the last thing I need. I want to say no, but I want him to know that I'm really done this time. I'm not sure how to accomplish this. Or should I just lie and say I have other plans?

biminiblue

"No thanks."

Keep doing that every time he asks. He'll get the message.

If you feel like you want to tell him, tell him. Otherwise, the slow fade works perfectly well with friends.

Maudcat

Hi, Lacey. Welcome.
This is a tough one. How important is it to you and your sobriety to speak your truth to your friend?
I mean, you could say that you are concerned about his drinking, that you will be there for him if he wants to change.
Period.
Or you could say that you cannot be his friend as long as he is drinking.
Also period.
Fact is, he is what he is. You have indicated that you have enough going on with mom, and that is enough drama, thank you.
Go to the meeting, pass on lunch if you are not wanting to go there.
Go to lunch if you are.
Good luck. Peace.

dandylion

Lacey.....If you object to his "lying" in AA....why would you lie to him, yourself?
When in doubt, the truth is usually the best option....
I really don't understand why someone who is sober is being dragged to AA meetings...?
Could it be that there is more going on than just platonic friendship?

oops....are you a non-drinker or are you in recovery yourself...I guess, I am unclear on a couple of points...lol

VigilanceNow

It sounds like you have some pretty specific issues that you want acknowledged. If I were you, I'd opt for the conversation and be honest about how he's making you feel. Maybe that will be a wake-up call for him to stop messing around and actually do something. Or he might get angry... Another common, unfortunate reaction of confronted alcoholics.

dandylion

another oops.....When you say "work" meeting...do you mean a meeting , at work, to deal with business stuff (you do work at same place)....or, do you mean an AA meeting that takes place during the workday?

Lol...I am getting more confused as I go along.....

lol..."what is is?"

atalose

Why can’t you just say “no, lunch won’t work out for me today” and then just leave. You really don’t have to say you don’t want to be friends anymore show it thorough your actions.

I think when we’ve reached the end of the road with a friendship, why would you feel you need to lie and get all caught up in going down that crazy road? That’s like saying, I don’t want to be your friend but I need to lie so you won’t be mad at me…………..doesn’t really make sense.

LexieCat

Yeah, I think you're overcomplicating things.

Just politely decline a proposal for lunch. No excuse required--just say you have other plans.

And if you feel the need to explain, I'd do it by email or sometime other than the work day. If you do explain, just say that you find the friendship too difficult right now given the other issues in your life. Enough said. You don't have to dissect his lack of commitment to sobriety or anything else. Wish him well, and farewell.

LaceyDallas

The meeting is a work meeting, not an AA meeting.

I went to meetings with him because he specifically asked me to go to meetings with him to help him get sober. It was his idea. I even drove 45 minutes each way to get to the specific meeting he wanted to attend. I did this weekly for about 6-8 weeks in 2015. Then he came down to my meetings a few times in December of last year.

I don't have any interest in dating him. I just care about him as a person.

hopeful4

I understand. Go to the meeting that you are required to, anything else, just say "no thanks."

No is a complete sentence friend!

Hugs to you.

Aeryn

Or maybe just make lunch plans with someone else then you can say "sorry I made plans with X". Then you will not have to go with him and can have lunch with another friend.

LaceyDallas

Turns out it resolved itself. I asked my boss to go, and he wanted to stay for the second meeting. My coworker A had to leave before the second meeting started. Problem solved- for now.

LexieCat

I'd suggest dealing with this before the next such occasion arises. You can kindly tell him you need to step away from the friendship because it's problematic for you right now.

AnvilheadII

it sounds like maybe you have a hard time saying NO. i suggest working on that.

LaceyDallas

Ha. All he wants to do is avoid me, so I doubt it will be a big issue anytime soon.

We have some tentative training in May, but at this point, it might not even happen, so I'm not too concerned about that. That is the next time I will have to see him (unless something comes up).