Finally leaving...?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 65
Finally leaving...?
Hello,
I am currently taking space from my "alcoholic" boyfriend. I do not like to put labels, but he most definitely has a drinking problem; binging and going on benders for days, drinking massive amounts of vodka and then stopping for a period of time until he is confident to do it all over again.
I am going to Al Anon, talking to friends and a therapist and getting all the help i need to support myself. He is a drug to me and i have gone back 4 or 5 times now with promises things will get better. I am most def a codependent and am working on helping myself heal in order to have healthier relationships. A chaotic family upbringing is certainly the gift that keeps on giving! My dad tried to control my mom and did not accept her for who she was and that has spilled over into every relationship I have been in.
I have been strong for about 2 weeks now and have kept space and have just been focusing on myself. Space is a good buffer for me before a breakup because it is really hard for me to handle, again it is like weaning off a drug.
Last night he kind of caught on that I am pretty much over the relationship and understands why but does not want to be strung along. He also says he is done for good this time and wants to quit "forever" and sends me this article saying: "In some instances, the damage done by addiction may just be too severe to fix. No matter how much you try, your partner simply may have too much contempt and feel too hurt, or just find it impossible to forgive you or trust you again. While you can’t control whether your partner wants to call it quits, during your first year of recovery you shouldn’t initiate any major changes, and that includes ending an existing relationship or marriage, if possible, or starting a new relationship."
So he is basically saying if he were to get sober, we shouldn't break up (aka initiate any major changes). OK, but what are you DOING about anything? NOTHING, other than saying you "want and need it" and intend on going to AA and therapy. AND even if he does, do I want to deal with relapses and fear moving forward? He is 36, and barely works or has money. I need so much more than what he is giving me and God knows he's got a lot of underlying issues he needs to deal with. I need support, because this is so hard for me and this article just threw me off the wagon again. I am once again feeling guilty and hoping that he will change THIS TIME. It is unbelievable how the mind works.
-Thank you everyone. I think these forum will be an added form of support for me.
I am currently taking space from my "alcoholic" boyfriend. I do not like to put labels, but he most definitely has a drinking problem; binging and going on benders for days, drinking massive amounts of vodka and then stopping for a period of time until he is confident to do it all over again.
I am going to Al Anon, talking to friends and a therapist and getting all the help i need to support myself. He is a drug to me and i have gone back 4 or 5 times now with promises things will get better. I am most def a codependent and am working on helping myself heal in order to have healthier relationships. A chaotic family upbringing is certainly the gift that keeps on giving! My dad tried to control my mom and did not accept her for who she was and that has spilled over into every relationship I have been in.
I have been strong for about 2 weeks now and have kept space and have just been focusing on myself. Space is a good buffer for me before a breakup because it is really hard for me to handle, again it is like weaning off a drug.
Last night he kind of caught on that I am pretty much over the relationship and understands why but does not want to be strung along. He also says he is done for good this time and wants to quit "forever" and sends me this article saying: "In some instances, the damage done by addiction may just be too severe to fix. No matter how much you try, your partner simply may have too much contempt and feel too hurt, or just find it impossible to forgive you or trust you again. While you can’t control whether your partner wants to call it quits, during your first year of recovery you shouldn’t initiate any major changes, and that includes ending an existing relationship or marriage, if possible, or starting a new relationship."
So he is basically saying if he were to get sober, we shouldn't break up (aka initiate any major changes). OK, but what are you DOING about anything? NOTHING, other than saying you "want and need it" and intend on going to AA and therapy. AND even if he does, do I want to deal with relapses and fear moving forward? He is 36, and barely works or has money. I need so much more than what he is giving me and God knows he's got a lot of underlying issues he needs to deal with. I need support, because this is so hard for me and this article just threw me off the wagon again. I am once again feeling guilty and hoping that he will change THIS TIME. It is unbelievable how the mind works.
-Thank you everyone. I think these forum will be an added form of support for me.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
What that says though is, " While you can’t control whether your partner wants to call it quits, during your first year of recovery you shouldn’t initiate any major changes, and that includes ending an existing relationship or marriage, if possible, or starting a new relationship."
That is talking to the alcoholic. That is suggested because people who are newly sober often still make really bad choices because they haven't had time for their brains and nervous system and emotions to settle. All their emotions are on a hair-trigger. Often a newly sober person thinks big changes will ease their personal discomfort, and they act impulsively and out of anxiety without giving sobriety a chance to take hold. Lack of impulse control is one of the results of alcoholism.
That article isn't speaking to YOU. You should do whatever you feel is in your best interests. He got himself into this, it's not your job to hand-hold him until he is magically "well."
That is talking to the alcoholic. That is suggested because people who are newly sober often still make really bad choices because they haven't had time for their brains and nervous system and emotions to settle. All their emotions are on a hair-trigger. Often a newly sober person thinks big changes will ease their personal discomfort, and they act impulsively and out of anxiety without giving sobriety a chance to take hold. Lack of impulse control is one of the results of alcoholism.
That article isn't speaking to YOU. You should do whatever you feel is in your best interests. He got himself into this, it's not your job to hand-hold him until he is magically "well."
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
bimini has it exactly right. The ALCOHOLIC is being advised not to make major changes. IOW, don't dump your wife or g/f because she's reacting in understandable ways to years of neglect or bad behavior, and don't run off with the cute addict you met at rehab.
You do what you think is right/necessary. He doesn't have to agree with it. Breakups most often are not mutual decisions. Usually one person initiates it and the other has to come to the point of acceptance. But that acceptance generally comes later.
Let him feel whatever he feels. You just worry about you.
You do what you think is right/necessary. He doesn't have to agree with it. Breakups most often are not mutual decisions. Usually one person initiates it and the other has to come to the point of acceptance. But that acceptance generally comes later.
Let him feel whatever he feels. You just worry about you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
classic manipulation - not "i'm sorry and i understand. i want what is best for you and i wish you nothing but the best"but managing to find an excerpt about not making sudden changes. but what he missed is that the article is speaking TO HIM, to the addict.
no guilt, ok? you get to be done when YOU say. not your partner. that would be letting him control you.
i'm glad you are here. please read around and stay close!
no guilt, ok? you get to be done when YOU say. not your partner. that would be letting him control you.
i'm glad you are here. please read around and stay close!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 65
Thanks everyone. I guess i don't understand the difference whether he dumps me or i dump him in his first year or recovery- its still a change regardless. Do i stay and support while still working on myself or leave. Its an ongoing battle in my head. No one can tell me what to do- i have to trust my gut.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mpie9.....he does not need your support. He has his program for support. You are too close to the situation....and, you are not qualified to support him in his recovery. Trained professionals or other alcoholics are the ones best at that....
You need as much time and space as he needs for your own recovery.
You need as much time and space as he needs for your own recovery.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The difference is who is doing what, and with what goal in mind. An alcoholic in early recovery isn't in a position to see things clearly. Their emotions are unreliable and volatile. Their cognitive capacity is impaired for quite awhile--they literally are unable to think straight much of the time. So major changes for them--when they initiate those changes--are often not wisely considered or the best solution for them. Changes initiated by OTHER people are part of life. If your boss calls you in and tells you you're being fired for substandard performance (even if it's due to your drinking), you aren't in a position to say, "But my program tells me to avoid major changes for the first year, so you can't fire me." It's the alcoholic's job to ACCEPT those changes and work through them.
For what it's worth, he doesn't NEED for you to stay and "support" him, in order to recover successfully. Moreover, all he's done at this point is SAY he's done forever and is using that as a bargaining chip to get you to stay. He's trying to make YOU responsible for his recovery. Nuh-uh, it doesn't work that way. HE is the only one responsible for his recovery.
For what it's worth, he doesn't NEED for you to stay and "support" him, in order to recover successfully. Moreover, all he's done at this point is SAY he's done forever and is using that as a bargaining chip to get you to stay. He's trying to make YOU responsible for his recovery. Nuh-uh, it doesn't work that way. HE is the only one responsible for his recovery.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when people sober up, the world around them does not STOP and wait. jobs don't say, oh ok, so you've been a pisspoor employee but heck now that you are SOBER we'll let you slide for a year......bills don't wait.....cars still break down.......roofs leak, pets get sick........and partners still reach their limit and leave.
remember in order for that first year of sobriety to ever START, he'd have to quit drinking permanently.
remember in order for that first year of sobriety to ever START, he'd have to quit drinking permanently.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 65
So i texted him with a response because I wanted to share that the article was intended for him, not me...and this is what i get:
"I didn't ask for your support. I just asked for a chance to show you that i do love you and can be a better boyfriend. Honestly don't contact me anymore. I'm gonna move on. You are a judgmental know it all. This wasn't right from the start. I started this "Toxic" relationship. It was me who entered into this ********. So you wanna label me and put me away for your own self interest, fine. I expect nothing less. Just leave me the **** alone. Its over"
Lovely.
"I didn't ask for your support. I just asked for a chance to show you that i do love you and can be a better boyfriend. Honestly don't contact me anymore. I'm gonna move on. You are a judgmental know it all. This wasn't right from the start. I started this "Toxic" relationship. It was me who entered into this ********. So you wanna label me and put me away for your own self interest, fine. I expect nothing less. Just leave me the **** alone. Its over"
Lovely.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mpie....it is often said that if you really want to know if an alcoholic is in real recovery....just tell them "No" about something...
I think this is a grrreat example of this.....
Also, great example of projection and deflection.....
If it wasn't so painful (and abusive) for you to hear...it is almost funny that he is so transparent.....
I think this is a grrreat example of this.....
Also, great example of projection and deflection.....
If it wasn't so painful (and abusive) for you to hear...it is almost funny that he is so transparent.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
I'm sorry Mpie
My fiancé did the same. She did not like no and did not like when I began establishing boundaries of what I considered acceptable behavior.
I know how much those words sting. And as I am still processing my grief, I can only offer my empathy. You seem to be a kind person and I hope you find peace and happiness
My fiancé did the same. She did not like no and did not like when I began establishing boundaries of what I considered acceptable behavior.
I know how much those words sting. And as I am still processing my grief, I can only offer my empathy. You seem to be a kind person and I hope you find peace and happiness
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 65
Well he's not in recovery. He's not even at the doorstep, or the block. It's a typical response for him and won't be the end i hear from him, i assure that. I wasn't even rude to him and i get that; it's so emotionally exhausting. I am pretty intent on leaving especially because he is not being held accountable for anything, and even if he does get to the doorstep and the rooms of AA with a sponsor and therapist, Idk if i can emotionally handle it anymore. Thank you all again. <3
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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HeartbrokenGuy, thank you! I wish you the best as well. I need to just cut contact, that's been the hardest part for me- through the various break ups with him. I journal and wrote down anything and everything about him/our relationship and what i need/want so i damn well don't forget why i am doing this! That helps, along with a good support system, which i never actively sought out before this other than speaking to a few friends. It definitely helps.
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