Mpie9

BrokenheartedGuy-- For my health, i do gym/yoga, started to do meditation, eating better. This helps a lot! I read self help books, my mom is in recovery as well so she offers her wisdom when she can (she is also biased as she knows what he is going through), therapy, Al Anon, seeing friends more. I have essentially lost myself in all my relationships in my 20s and feel like i need to re-build myself and figure out who the heck I am, get back to hobbies and what I LOVE etc. Basically working on my personal growth first to ensure that I attract the type of partner that I really want/need, but REALLY need to focus on being happy by myself first. How about you?

PeachCobbler729

Mpie, I'm new here also. I relate a lot to your situation, but you seem so much stronger than I'm feeling right now!
When I get the negative responses back and the manipulative comments... I let them eat away at me. We live together and I'm trying to make arrangements to spend the night elsewhere soon, but overall, I feel defeated and I don't know what to do.
I'm not near leaving him (yet?).
I started going back to therapy and she recommended that I focus on myself - doing things for me and making myself stronger - working out, meeting up with my friends, doing stuff that makes me happy without him. And continuing to go to therapy and educate myself on this so that when the time comes, I can make the right decision for myself.
It's so tough. Ugh.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. The only relief I have is knowing that there's others here who go through similar struggles.

VigilanceNow

Sounds like you're on a good, healthy path! Multiple breakups are exhausting; I've been there. Maybe the space will be a wake-up call for him.. one can hope. But as we all know, you can't force someone into recovery, as much as we wish we could. Even

AnvilheadII

HIM: Just leave me the **** alone. Its over

YOU: I am pretty intent on leaving

ramp that up to being DONE with this nonsense, take your power back. block him and move on!!!

HeartbrokenGuy

The last 5 days have honestly required all my attention and energy just to get through the details.

It feels like a blur and a bad dream sometimes.

Today my fiancé's daughter came to get more of her things on her way to live in another state permanently.

It has taken everything I have just to force myself to eat some food and drink some water. My house is no place that I want to be which makes me sad as I was very happy there.

I've thought of things I want to do. Yoga, hike, work out, eat better, go out with friends, etc.

At this point it is only thoughts as I have been so caught up in the details of beginning to untangle our lives together.

I want to grieve the right way and not pretend everything is ok or just drink my problems away too. I read in Codependent No More that codependents are more likely to become addicts and I can definitely see why.

Dealing with feelings is something very new for me.

But much like you I chose to come through this experience stronger and happier but mostly completely in love with myself. Whoever that person might be

Mpie9

Some days are better than others and i try to stay healthy when i can, but it is always easier said than done. He called me this morning and was yelling about how I haven't been positive about the fact that he wants to quit and i just focus on the negative and doubting his abilities, which negatively affects him. He is really hurt and angry and does not know what to do because he can't fix the situation and doesn't want to lose me. He just keeps saying, "you keep saying i need to do something (go to therapy, AA), BUT i AM doing something--i'm not drinking!" He also throws Al anon into this and said "is that what they teach you? to blame, discredit and doubt and leave the alcoholic crippled? You want me to quit drinking and you go and tear my hart out and leave me here alone" ...also to add insult to injury...that he is going to be a better person once he gets through this and he hopes i regret's it every day for the rest of my life. That's one of my fears actually, but I see through the manipulation and narcissism. He clearly doesn't try to understand how this is affecting me although he says he understands. I just have to believe him and move forward to ease his anxiety and anger. I just found myself sitting on the phone listening to him talk and didn't even know what to say other than repeating "I'm sorry for being negative, I'm happy you're doing this....the trust is gone...it would really help you if you got support". I lose focus when i talk to him. I just end up feeling guilty and that i should support him. I am just too apprehensive and scared to say, "ok i will support you through this...i love you. i believe in you" because i don't want him to go and TEAR MY HEART OUT AND LEAVE ME THERE ALONE, because I am essentially alone when he drinks- i am the mistress to the Smirnoff or IPA- whatever it happens to be. It's horrible. Because i don't believe this is THE time. Because I don't believe he is sure about quitting and he isn't being held accountable and going to AA/therapy right now. Yes, you don't have to quit that way but it certainly helps, yes he is open to those things and isn't saying he never will go, but he is just dragging his feet on it and wants to do it his own way, which is fine. It's funny and ironic last time he went to AA with my mom, he drank that night because the thought it was depressing and he just was like F it. Its a scary thing and i know losing me doesn't help, which is why i am being thrown off the band wagon again. He says he doesn't want to prove me wrong, he wants to prove himself right and seems like really wants to do it for himself regardless, in his own way, in his own time. I can't force anything obviously and i haven't been, i have just been keeping space so we can both figure our stuff out separately. Now he is freaking out thinking we are done, and idk if we are, i just feel like my head is spinning and i can't make a decision one way or the other. I don't want to end it, its so hard because he is such a great guy and i don't want to give up on him.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. After that phone call, i slept until 12 and could barely get out of bed to eat. Thank God i can work from home today, but he is already affecting me!! I am depressed again, questioning what i am doing. It took one day to feel confident and then i'm back down the second i talk to him, thinking I could still take care of myself even if he decides to quit. I just feel like it's still too early to tell if this is real and when do you really know when they are actually sober? Never, relapses occur, its a crap shoot. We both need recovery. We clearly have an unhealthy dynamic if he is currently blaming me for leaving him, rather than apologizing for his actions and thanking me for setting boundaries. The dynamic, at least right now and probably a good while longer, is not conducive to a healthy recovery for either of us. I just want him to UNDERSTAND what I am doing because I feel like I can't explain it or maybe he just can't cognitively understand right now. I need him to hear it from other people which is why I want him to talk to people so he can move forward and not unravel. Obviously I care for him and don't want him to feel the way he does.

Thanks everyone. THANK GOD for this forum. I need a meeting right now.

Mpie9

I totally understand. I have drank because of his drinking. I myself have been questioning alcoholism because I use it to cope sometimes with anxiety etc., which is also why i don't want to be around it. My mom and grandfather were both alcoholics so i really need to moderate myself. It hasn't gotten to a bad point yet, TG. One thing at a time for you. This is hard and we need to take one day at a time as well, one second at a time even. Hey i say i do all these healthy things-- but I am insanely depressed and anxious right now and can barely eat and can't even get myself to yoga. The only thing that got me out of bed today was that i could make a nice cup of coffee and write on this forum. It is SO hard and you are not alone.

SparkleKitty

Mpie9 if he cannot respect your request for some space so that you can clear your head, then he is telling you, point blank, that he isn't anywhere near recovery.

Mpie9

I feel strong some days and others I can barely do anything. Today is one of those days as i talked to him this morning and I'm letting his words play back in my mind and eat away at me. I am questioning whether i want to leave, it is an ongoing battle in my head. I think you are doing the right thing with going to therapy and taking time to figure it out because that is better than impulsively ending it. For me, that made everything worse since i have an adjustment disorder and the anxiety and depression really hit me harder than most people. It is ok to take time and figure it out, unless there is abuse going on. That's different. But it can't hurt YOU to take baby steps and creating a support system until you feel confident in your decision. Maybe i'm wrong- maybe its better to just pull the bandaid off, but I view it as weaning off a drug.

LexieCat

I'd let go of the need for him to understand. Whether he's capable of it or not, clearly he's not going to agree. He doesn't HAVE to agree. You make your decisions based on what you believe is best for you. Period.

I'd stop these endless, circular conversations. They get you nowhere and leave you feeling--well, the way you're feeling right now. And they help him not one bit, either.

HeartbrokenGuy

I'm sorry for everything you are going through Mpie.

I'm glad that you write on this forum. Everyone's stories are helpful for me.

Mpie9

Also i had NO idea your story until now. I am embarrassed for even comparing because you are going through much more and here i am complaining about a phone call. I am SO sorry and i pray that you come to peace with the situation and no longer feel guilt, but i can't imagine. I think we all worry about your situation happening, which is sometimes why we as codependents stay, killing ourselves in the process. It is a hard battle for them and we don't have to stay in the ring if we don't want to. You did the right thing for yourself. Always remember that.

HeartbrokenGuy

Please don't say things like that.

My story is just that my story.

It's not worse or better than anyone else's story.

Truthfully I feel very sorry for those who have struggled and been in relationships for decades upon decades.

I couldn't handle it after a year and a half. Let alone 10 or 20 or even 30 years. That would have driven me completely mad.

I am sorry for everything you are going through. Please stay strong. Everyone of us deserves to be happy. And to be in healthy relationships with those in our lives

mylifeismine

All he has to understand is that you are getting healthy and nothing is
going to stop you.

A part of you is trying very hard to get out of the toxic mess and take
care of yourself and get healthy. Please let it win.

You may have read in the stickies that being sober and being in recovery
are two different things. Recovery is demonstrated by changed actions,
no booze, changed attitudes, and remorse for harm done. You will
know it because there will be no more manipulation. Being sober is
no booze and nothing else changes.

I consider the booze the mistress and infinitely more damaging than
a human mistress. They will manipulate, belittle, distance themselves,
threaten, lie and yell at us to protect "her". They will give up
their integrity, relationships, livelyhood, and ultimately their life
for the "mistress". We are collateral damage, and how damaged
we become is up to US.

That's how I look at it now, that my A wants to be able to have
me and his mistress too, his choice. What's MY choice going to
be? What's YOURS?

Smarie78

Read my threads sweetie. I was/am in the same boat as you. But I can tell you from experience that staying with him through nearly two years of relapse bender after relapse bender, promise to change after promise to change, has NOT helped him stay sober. In fact it has perhaps made it worse because with each bender and disapearance, a little part of me breaks and so do my feelings for him. It's living in fear every day wondering when the shoe will drop because you know it's not IF but WHEN. He is currently not drinking and sober, but tomorrow he may hit the bottle again and vanish for 10 days or maybe longer...or maybe this will be the time he goes too far and dies. Like you, he likes to send articles and reasons why he can't beat this without me or why it's important I stay close to him (it's their way of manipulating you so they don't lose you but they also don't want to change). I'm a Codie so this plays on me hard. That's why I go to Alanon and post here and read and strengthen myself. Otherwise I play right into it - I am progressing but I promise you that the behavior doesn't change unless they want it to. And it sounds an awful lot like this guy isn't ready yet - talk is sooooooo cheap with alcoholics. It's actions. My boyfriend said all the same things - even at death's door he says it. But I don't listen anymore....I see with my eyes instead. You know when they are serious about changing bc you physically see it. Talk is completely pointless with the addict. He knows your over the relationship - that's where I am right now. I need so much more and I resent him for giving me crumbs. Even if you stay with him, you will resent him for his empty words.....and when that next bender hits, which it will, he will send you more articles about how breaking up isn't the answer.

Again, staying with him will NOT make him sober. Losing you may not either. It doesn't matter what upsets his sober apple cart be it break up or job loss or anything else. He will drink because he is an addict. And he will stop when he wants to. Don't do what I do and wait around....go. It ain't gonna make a darn difference. Don't let him manipulate you either. *HUGS*

Mpie9

I teared up reading this. Thank you.

schnappi99

A lady in my alaon homegroup is having some difficulty with her AH getting nasty about her going to Alanon- he and a drinking buddy did all the "research" and confronted her about it being a cult etc. Its what they do sometimes.

OTOH I can see her changing from meeting to meeting- the pain radiating from her is decreased, her voice is stronger and she's been reaching out to other women in the group. She's been discussing leaving him- chatted with me about it as well. Her courage is amazing.