Frustration vent.
 

Just a vent it to the universe post:

I had a counseling appointment this morning that never happened. Not sure if it was cancelled or what as my email communication goes through my work email and I don't work the end of the week. I really needed this appointment. And am feeling frustrated and lost.

AH and I finally talked again this morning and basically came to the understanding that he should find his own place. I'm feeling sad at crushing both his dream and my own for that matter on what our lives could have been or where we could be...you know the American dream.
He doesn't want to let me go. He worries that if he moves out it might be the end of us. I told him I can't make any guarantees or promises, but I can't let 15+ years of personal hell disappear just because of two months of "good" behavior. He is trying...in his way. But I know this is what needs to happen. I'm putting a time line on this promise this time. Will not let us slip back into the comfort zone and then have another discussion in two months time. Ugh. Thanks for reading.

Thousandwords, thank you for posting as your words are very similar to my thoughts.

Really sorry to read what your going through.
These difficult decisions are the worst.
I hope you find peace.

Wow, I'm sorry your appointment was cancelled. Glad you have us here to talk to, anyway.

I honestly do think you're making the right decision. There's no telling what the future holds, but I think it's better to await those developments in a place that is safe and drama-free.

Big hugs,

Timelines are good, Thousand. Hugs.

Thank you all for the kind input. Very appreciate of this forum.

HH: I am so glad you found my post helpful. Sometimes I feel like I just come here to whine lol...so I am glad there are people who get it.

I feel like to take 5 steps forward and two back constantly. But I guess it is still forward progression even if at a snail's pace

Update for timeline reasons: (sorry folks...I do have a regular journal but the time stamp on these posts help me)

Since our discussion on Saturday, he really amped up the affection and help within the household... has been that way pretty consistently. He does not want to give up on us. He wants together forever, loves me etc... I have been showered once again with gifts and flowers to my work.
So my inner turmoil is only getting worse. I think to myself maybe he has changed, and things will be goos, give hime some credit he is TRYING...
My mind is at an all time high as far as crazy making goes. I feel so lost and not in control of my reality.

I ask for time and space. again. again, again.
I get the exact opposite.
I feel like I am being told what is good for me and what I want through his actions.
Or is it genuine trying from a clueless man?
I feel suffocated. But then I wonder maybe I am just not used to having a present partner? This is what it's like?

I just want to be normal and be excited to get flowers delivered to work. But they make me want to cry. I feel like accepting them is giving mixed signals...but I lack the ability to say no. Ugh.
I will be seeing my counselor soon. Just another vent.

Your mistake is Asking for time and space.
You don't ask for it....you TAKE it.....

You are coming from the weakened Victim position....You need to come for a Survivor position.....

If someone attacks you on the street....you don't stop and ask permission to remove their fist from you face.....you either kick that s*** out of them or turn and flee like H***.

No, you should not feel suffocated. This stuff he's doing is way over-the-top. It reeks of insincerity and manipulation.

Please don't fall for it. He will try, at some later point, to use this against you. "I did x, y, and z, and it wasn't enough for the ungrateful b*tch--she is impossible to please."

I think your instincts that you are being played are right on the money. I'd be inclined to send the flowers to the hospital for someone who would appreciate them. I used to do that when a victim or victim's family sent me gifts at the office. Much as I appreciated the gesture (which, in that circumstance, at least was sincere), it wouldn't have been appropriate for me to accept it.

Thank you Lexie. My mind plays tricks on me. Since I am so guarded and protective of my heart...so "done".. Can't tell if I am extremely biased and blind to genuine nice gestures. It is love bombing my logical side knows it. Constant texts and poetry and bullsh!t is my knee jerk...then (his) voice in my head says oh no, its nice, he's trying, this is love...


Yes. Mistake #1 right there.


Thank you both for the clarity !!!! I hate when my mind gets muddy.

What timeline have you given him for the move-out? If you haven't yet, do that.

And next time he spends money on something for you, tell him to hold onto his money--he is going to have to pay for a security deposit shortly.

Just keep delivering the same, consistent message.

You tell him you want time and space - but you don't get time and space, you get what you didn't ask for: too much attention in the form of things you don't want or need, like over-the-top flowers at work.

A good partner would have listened to what you said and backed off. The fact that your husband did the opposite speaks volumes.

I can remember, growing up...it was often said that one needed to know the difference between s*** and shinola. I figured out, that one doesn't have ot know BOTH of them. One only needs to know one of them.

In your case, I think it is important to know the difference between love and manipulation. Likewise, you only need to know one...and you can figure the other one out by default.

It goes like this....
LOVE (on one hand-----------------------------------Manipulation (on the other).

Now, I know that you are an intelligent woman....and I know that you know the cycle, very well. You can recite it in you sleep.

So, based on this...I suggest that you take an index card and write on it in large red letters----This Is Not Love!......carry it with you, at all times.
When he hovers and sends the "gifts" and poetry......pull it out and read the card.
The card will tell you that it is not Love...so, by default, you will know that it is manipulation.

Thank you. My gut reaction exactly (before I talked myself out of it anyway)

And Lexie: Also my thoughts: Save your $$$, guy. lol.

Timeline?

He mentioned needing time to save for a deposit st a new place "probably not until June" I believe he said.

I will need to reiterate that.

Support to you

"Not until June" implies June is the EARLIEST he thinks he can get out. My bet is June will pass, and July, and August... if you let him.

I'd suggest telling him to quit spending money he needs for the deposit, and that he WILL be out by June 15. Have you asked for the court to set a date for him to vacate? You need some leverage, or I see a very long summer ahead for you.

Lexie, I will work towards this. Both mentally and legally, thank you for your help.