jalacola

Okay, tonight was supposed to be our date-night. We haven't had a date in MONTHS. We have a 5 year old and a 4 month old and hadn't left the baby overnight since she was born. AH's mom offered to watch both kids overnight so we could have a date. We go to dinner and were planning on going to a movie as well. Everything was great at dinner, though I suspected that he had been drinking on his way home from work. Why? What normally is a 45 minute drive home took him nearly 2 hours. But he wasn't drunk. However, at dinner, he started exhibiting signs. And he was going to the bathroom every 5 minutes to pee, a clear sign that he slammed his drink during his drive home. Well, after we paid and the waiter brought our credit card slip back, AH told me that we weren't leaving a tip. Why? B/c our waiter was "lauging at him" according to him. He walked past the wait-station and said that our waiter said something to the other servers and they all started laughing. Hmmm...did he actually HEAR them say something about him? NO! Of course not, but he was sure that that's why they were laughing. He is overweight and self-conscious and is just sure that they were making fun of him for whatever reason. Our waiter was nice as could be and I had a real problem not leaving him a tip b/c of speculation. But AH took the slip, marked a line through the tip area and got up. I was SO embarrassed and just wanted to leave. I walked ahead of him and he just stopped outside the restaurant and said, "I can't believe you are mad. F*** HIM!!!" There were people all around and I just said that we could talk in the truck. So, I walk to the truck and he stays in front of the restaurant...FOR 10 MINUTES! Finally, he comes to the truck and gets in. Instead of unlocking my door, he starts it, backs out of the parking spot and starts to drive away, while I am standing there helpless. :*******: Finally, he unlocks the door, I get in and am told that he was dropping me off at the house and it was over. OVER!! Over something so STUPID. He brings me home and I plead with him not to leave, insisting that it was a big misunderstanding. No way, he says. So, he leaves, I get into my car and follow him. I don't get very far and he sees me, starts jerking his truck in and out of lanes trying to lose me and he finally does. I come back home and call the credit card companies and report all of our cards lost. That's what I can't believe I did. He has $30 cash on him, so I know that he will drink. However, he isn't going to waste what little $$ we have on a freaking hotel...again! I am terrified. I am scared that when he realizes that I cancelled our cards, he will come home in a violent rage. OR I am scared that when he realizes this, he will just drink what he buys and drive around. Please say some prayers that everything will be okay. He has been horrible for about a month and a half. He went to rehab at the beginning of August for 15 days and actually made it 30 days sober, but then drank that night. And he has been back to his old self ever since. Drinking and lying and hiding it, or attempting to.

StandingStrong

(((((jalacola ))))) Sending you hugs. It's so hard when you are living in uncertainty and I completely understand that.
I am surprised that you called in those cards. But on the flip side, do you know how many people would love to have the nerve to do such a thing? LOL, I'm sure that many are applauding you!!!
Something that I learned after many years of stressful days and nights concerning money and an A, is that 1) You have to pick your battles. 2) You have to protect yourself.
While some may say that you were trying to control how much your A spent - I also see it as a way of protecting yourself (Even if that was not your intent).
If money seems to be an issue (as I'm assuming it is by the sounds of it), then steps need to be taken to protect yourself and your kids. And most of the time, these steps are very very hard to take.

While I don't have the answers for you and what I have done may not work for you, I want you to know that I am thinking of you.
But one thing stands out at me tremendously about your post - you fear his reaction when he finds out that you called those cards in stolen and won't be able to use them. You may have meant physically fear, you may have just meant the normal "drunken rage" which includes verbal outrage and/or not coming home to punish you, etc. But it's something that I hope you can actually see - you are living in fear of HIS reaction. In essence, living around him.
Personally, I think that what you did shows courage on your part. It shows me that you are trying to do something versus doing nothing.
But please focus on YOU!!!

luvmyfurbabies

What Standingstrong said is oh so true. Please protect yourself. I know all about waiting for the abuser to come home (from my ex-husband) and not knowing what to expect. It's a terrifying feeling. Canceling the credit cards did take a lot of courage. Be safe and good luck. Barbara

gelfling

It might be a good idea to get the kids and get out of there. You don't need to give his folks any reasons. It's none of their business. If he's been really crazy, it might be good to give the cops a call and let them know of the situation so you're on record with the law. Go to a friends house, your parents or a halfway house.

Your children don't need to be exposed to the torment you're going through with him. Also consider going to alanon meetings. They'll be a big help to you and you'll learn more about the disease and how to live with it if you so choose.

Take care of yourself and your babies. Be safe and be blessed,

Kathy

jalacola

Thank you, Standingstrong. You asked about my fear? I am shaking with fear but am joyful that my children are not here. I would not be able to focus on them, much less myself if they were. I am REALLY having to stop myself from driving around looking for him. Not that it would do any good. We live in the Dallas area in TX. What am I going to do; drive all night?? Not that it hasn't crossed my mind...but I won't.

tootiefish

jalacola, calling in those cards took some serious courage and I agree with what has been said about protecting yourself.

Some of the stupidest fights I have ever had in my life were with my AH. And yes, they were when he had been drinking. They get paranoid, have no self-esteem and at least mine thinks the whole world (including me) are out to get him. The dumb fight that comes to mind is when AH thought I might put scorpions in his shoes because he was drinking, so he yelled at me out of the blue and "hid" his shoes in his closet instead of leaving them in plain view on the dryer. I never did figure out the great concern there. First off, the tiny, brown scorpions we have in Florida are no worse than a small bee sting and second, they could crawl out of his shoes and be cruising around the house somewhere and he knows they creep me out. Just an example of something stupid we fought about, so you know you aren't the only one.

I hope things work out for you. Take good care of YOU and the kids. HUGS!

StandingStrong

How did it go? And how are you feeling about it all today?

jalacola

Well, I was right. He went to a bar. At 12:30, he called yelling at me, in the all-to-familiar drunken slur, and told me he couldn't believe I would be so cruel to cut off the credit cards. How could I leave him with nothing? I told him that he had $30 cash and that I was not about to let him waste our hard earned $$ on another hotel night. I told him that he was a husband and a father and that regardless of how pissed off he was, he needed to park his a$$ at home rather than running away to drink away his troubles. He said he wasn't drinking! BUT, I had to give a bartender at a hotel bar my credit card info to pay his tab??? Against my better judgement, I did and I faxed my credit card info to the front desk for him to have a room. This was in NO means to protect him, but goes back to a previous thread about drinking and driving and not wanting to endanger innocent people. He called back when he got to his room and started yelling at me, telling me he did "nothing wrong"--classic line of my AH after a night of drinking. It got pretty ugly and we both were yelling at each other, though I know that arguing with a drunk is like banging my head against a brick wall. This went on for about 15 minutes before I finally said I wasn't talking to him anymore. I called the hotel about 10 minutes ago and asked if he had checked out yet and they said that he left about an hour ago. Now, I just thought of something! Sh*T! He can go to the bank and take out cash now! WE DON'T HAVE MONEY FOR HIM TO BE JUST BLOWING IT ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!! UUGGHH!!!

CrazyRed

Wow -to cancel the credit cards was a smooth move, good for you! Reading the part about clearing the bank accounts out, that was unsettling. (Obviously you don't have seperate accounts.)

When my AL is intoxicated and behaving ornery over the telephone, I turn off the ringer once I go to bed which increases my sleep quality. If he is quacking on and on about whatever while inhebriated in the daytime, I simply hang up without a word. Sure, I'm annoyed for a little bit afterward but I'm really getting the hang of detachment for myself.

You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight!

Beloved

Hi StandingStrong, you know it's a funny thing that the (AH) always hurt those that love them. we are second on there list I mean right there at the top next to destrution of self. I believe , and know one thing to be a fact is that (GOD) IS NOT THE AUTHOR OF CONFUSSION. and that you must surrender him to a Loving and caring GOD. and take the much needed steps in the right direction to provide a healthy, and safe environment for your children. At this point they are most important. this is not to say , that your husband isn't, but He suffers from the disease of alcoholism , and He himself really believe that he can drink like a gentleman. so there for is in denial , of his disease . It's a good thing to sat boundiers and to stick to them to the best of your ability. seek guidance , courage , strength , and direction from (God). It is only when He admit that He needs help , that He Himself will become willing to receive the help, love, and support available. But please don't make things easy for him . I thank you for sharing ,and also your honesty sometime even if it hurts us we have to let our (AH) go through their process of growing pains , and when the pain become so great and start to out weigh the pleasure then will they become willing to change , until then continue to monitor the funds seek a support group for yourself , and detach with love. "Beloved" everyone has a purpose it's the reason we exits. your husband needs to know that his life is not a accident but that he is here by design and only through him finding that purpose can he began to experience his deliverance into joy peace fulfillment , and freedom one day at a time. so pray that He be molded according to GOD'S plan and not anyone else's .GOD will reveal all you need to know , and supply your every need . just keep your heart , and mind open for HIS communication. once again prayer does change things if you have faith when you pray.