thotful

My AF has never met my 1.5 years old daughter. I've made all kinds of effort with offers, which was met with nothing and I don't know why. I cut-out several siblings from my life. They were being emotional abusive and disapproving of my marriage, and I set the boundary of 'we either work this out, or there's no relationship' - as such, I refused to attend my parents "family" get-togethers. Maybe this upset my father?

Anyways, with much time gone by and no contact, my counselor suggested that I write my father a letter...saying goodbye. woof...

So, I write the letter. It talks about how absent he has been my entire life. And what has changed? Did I just stop calling? Did he ever call? I couldn't remember what things he had ever attended as a child - not a swim meet - not a play - not a poetry reading. Nothing. If he had, he would say nothing about it. It was like I was an invisible person in his house. I often felt that way.

My major component was that he has chosen to die on me - certainly psychologically, but possibly physically as well. With a mini-stroke, and drinking daily along with blood pressure medication, he's got one foot in the grave.

My counselor floored me when he said, "send it to your Dad". I was like, "wait, wasn't this a burn letter?" -- "nope" lol...

He advised that I bring it to my Dad physically. Just hand it to him and leave. Go to his work. After I edited the letter (added some positive stuff like my recovery work and asking him if he would seek treatment), I was ready. I dropped by his work and it happened to be closed at that time. Oh well, I didn't really want to see him - it often feels like a waste when it seems like I get more conversation when talking at a brick wall. I mailed the letter to his work (both myself and my counselor had concern my mother would intercept the letter and destroy it if mailed to their home).

That was a month ago. No response.

In the beginning, I point out that he has never met our little one. What about this offer? that one? Why didn't you even respond when I asked you to fill out the grandparents section of our baby book? It would seem that you no longer want me in your life. I feel sad about it, but I need to take care of me and my family now.

So, what will it be? I asked if the next time I hear from him will be a sibling calling me to tell me he'd died and denying it had anything to do with alcohol.

Trying to cope with this. Familiar to anyone. I have 6 bros and 1 sis. It seems like so many hate what I'm doing and what I'm pointing out. Only my sis is supportive. With much of my family I often feel so alone.

So, I said goodybe. And perhaps his response is the same thing I've heard all of my life from him. Nothing. Nothing at all.

firebolt

I'm so sorry Thotful - I just can't imagine having family like that. Some people can't even take care of themselves, let alone be a productive caring family member for and with others. so big big (((HUGS))) to you - I wish I had better words for this situation that could help.

I hope you have built a good family around you - solid friends that love you, and your supportive sister. I hope you can find some peace for yourself regarding him.

dandylion

thotful.....I can imagine how painful this is for you....
I am glad that you have a counselor to help you....

You might find this book helpful...."Healing from Family Rifts" by Mark Sichel...
You can get it, used, on amazon.com.

Since you are the adult child of an alcoholic....You might, also, want to read the literature of "Adult Children of Alcoholics"......
Also, available on amazon.com....and, through your l ocal library.

Has your mother ever seen your daughter?

SoberLeigh

I am so very sorry, thotful.

thotful

Yes, twice. Both unexpected and not planned. Planned meetings my mother has either ignored or hasn't followed up (such as me asking for a good time and day to visit their house for personal time and her not getting back to me with a time and day)

Once was unexpected. My aunt was in town and wanted to see me. I invited her to my steel pan concert. She showed up with my mother!? My mom spent some time with the baby and my wife. About 30 minutes.

The other was at a restaurant. I was with wife and daughter (17 mos old at the time). Mother was with friends. She walked over to our table, ignoring me and my wife and interacted with LO. She tried to take LO away to her table - without so much as a hello, or asking or anything. I thank recovery for me saying, "mom, there's a seat here. If you want to spend time with LO, you can sit down with us and visit." She said, "i'm with friends", put our daughter down, and left. It was creepy to be honest. My wife was fuming. Felt eerily close to "in principle" an intent to "kidnap". I'm so confused. It was a terrible thing to do if my mom wanted to be closer to our family.

So, technically yes, but emotionally and all that? NOPE.

dandylion

thotful......that just sounds so painful....and, so dysfunctional.....

radrag86

Thotful, I too had alcoholic parents. I found I had to learn, and then accept that they too where broken flawed people themselves. It (alcohol) killed my mother when she was 42,. My father would never admit to being the alcoholic he truly was. He ended up estranged from all of his children and died a lonely old man. As hard and sad as it is, sometimes you need to just let them go. But don't get me wrong, it still hurts, and I still work to make peace with it. Keep you own peace, cherish and love your wife and child.

LexieCat

I'm so sorry. Some people truly don't know what it means to love.

I'm glad you have a loving family at home. Cherish that, nurture it. Your life will never be the cold, lonely one that your dad is living.

Hugs,

PhoenixJ

no experience with that one . My dad dies when I was in a coma. Were not close- I should add, like you history. I do understand, however and offer my compassion, empathy and support.

abbccj03

Oh goodness. I'm sure you were surprised the counselor actually wanted you to send it. I was asked many years ago to write a similar letter regarding a childhood trauma. Still not ready to do it. I'm sure it must have taken a lot of courage to go and physically hand it over. You are very brave. Sounds like you are a wonderful husband and father. Support going out to you and your family.

thotful

Baby is almost two now. Still nothing. Not a word of response.

So sad what alcoholism does. It's f-ed up.

LexieCat

I'm so sorry he continues to act this way.

Sending a hug. Glad your little girl has a dad who's looking out for her. You are the one who breaks the chain.

Steely

Some people just do stuff like that, they seem like another species sometimes.

Mpie9

Yes. I just recently wrote a letter to my dad, who isn't an alcoholic, but left when I was 19 or so after my parents divorced. He had an aneurysm and has def been slower mentally, never was good with communication and may be dealing with secondary effects of the aneurysm such as depression. Who knows...he essentially abandoned me, didn't ever really seem interested in talking to me after that. It hurts because I was close to him growing up. It has been something i've suppressed my whole 20s and my therapist recommended writing a letter to just let him know how I was doing, hope he is well etc. I've kind of stopped reaching out to protect myself over the years and last time I heard from him was last summer briefly in a text. I Perhaps I should write a goodbye letter too.
It is very sad, but i've kind of accepted it. I've had my guard up and was very reluctant to write a letter, but I had very little if any expectations. I was right...nothing. If anything, if he got it and read it (if his crazy finance didn't rip it up), he knows i'm doing good and it feels good to have reached out.

I feel you. Just gotta lower the expectations completely and expect nothing. I have a very small family and losing him makes it very hard, but it is what it is. I hope he is doing ok, that's all I can hope for.

dandylion

thoughtful...did you read the book that I suggested on this subject?.....It might give you some comfort....

Steely

I'd like to read the book you suggested dandylion.

LeeJane

Sorry your dad wasn't able to give you what you needed.

My parents were that way too. Over time I came to accept that they didn't have it to give. With my parents, it was because their parents didn't have it to give either and so on going back.

D122y

Thot,

My parent are both pretty jerky. I still love them, but don't really like them.

I vote take care of you first.

Love yourself unconditionally.

The booze helped me live in a fantasy world for 90% of my life.

That is over, here comes reality.

Stay clean.

Thanks.

hopeful4

Just sending you a big hug!