qtpi

My DD now has cut me out completely. DS hasn't seen me in a year. So I am at the lowest I have been- just washing in and out of waves of sadness. I am going to have to find a way to make this life work. I have no hope of reuniting any time soon. I may go to a counselor. Probably a good next step. If I had known I would have lost my children I would never have left, no matter how bad it was.

Smarie78

qtpi - I apologize I don't know the back story, but why have your children backed away? Was it the AH you left and now they resent you so have cut you off? Regardless, ,please get to counseling for all you are dealing with. And Alanon if you haven't already. *hugs*

hopeful4

Yes, go to a counselor! It will help, I promise.

Tight hugs!

LexieCat

Aw, sweetie, staying with him would not have made anything "better"--there's a good probability that if you had stayed and suffered, your kids would have resented you for THAT, and lost respect for you.

Do not ever, EVER question whether you did the right thing.

Right now it is very, very hard because it's still very fresh--the divorce proceedings aren't even over yet. The dust has to settle before everything can be processed. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this, but I'm pretty confident--based on the experiences of many, many people I've known in this situation--that it will not last forever.

And YES to the counseling.

You've been very brave, but this would be wearing on anyone, and you should grab onto all the support you can get.

Tjunction

Hi qtpi

I can only imagine how painful this must be to you.

Sending you strength and hope. 🌻

AnvilheadII

what was your relationship with your adult children like before you left? i'm just having a hard time with the idea that both children shut you down almost simultaneously and on May 27th, the date you left. i am NOT saying that isn't what happened, but it just SEEMS like there had to be stuff bubbling away on the back burner.

i also vote for counseling....one of the best things we can EVER do for ourselves.

dandylion

qtpi.....absolutely...take thyself to a therapist.....why would you even hesitate....

I am sure that there are a lot of dynamics at play, here...(as I have already said to you. before)....
I agree with Anvil and the others on this....

A question....do you feel like your worth as a mother, and a woman, ....as a person is measured by how your adult children treat you?
Do you feel like they are an extension of yourself?

Do you have any clues or hunches as to why they have been doing this?

qtpi

Ah is a master manipulator. He says he quit drinking... Poor him. I won't give him a chance. Now he says I am selfish for wanting alimony.

qtpi

He is probably upset about selling the house etc.

qtpi

He is probably upset about selling the house etc.

LexieCat

I think you're absolutely right. He's playing himself as the victim, to the hilt. We're talking Oscar territory.

Your kids will, eventually, see the truth. I think you're doing an admirable job of not rushing around defending yourself. Those tactics tend to backfire. As hard as it is not to respond, it really is the smartest thing to do in this kind of situation. Guys like your ex tend to hang themselves. They overact, overplay their hands. When you try to engage by defending yourself--even if only to the kids--you are lending a certain amount of credibility to what he's saying.

I tried many, many criminal cases in my time. I used to RELISH the cases where the defendants took the stand and tried to explain themselves--especially when they tried to play the victim. The more they talked, the less believable they were.

Hang in there--we've got your back and will keep supporting you through this difficult time.

PuzzledHeart

qtpi, I may have said this to you before, and if I did I apologize. But my sister, when it was revealed that she was having her affair with her pothead boyfriend, said lots of crap. She said that her best friend had an emotional affair with her now ex-husband. Her ex-husband was pushing her into a polygamous relationship. And I believed her for years, and defended her to the hilt.

It took three years and a crisis for me to realize that she was a compulsive liar.

You have no idea what your ex is saying to your kids, in addition to what you've written here (and how exactly did you you hear what your ex said anyway?). But once they realize that you were living your life as truthfully as possible, once they see the lies, they can then choose to reconnect.

qtpi

Thanks for all the support. Dd cut me off 2 weeks ago... Calling me selfish... The financial settlement is on the horizon. But surprising news... Dear son sent me a text saying he will call when he has time. I haven't reached out to him in forever because he had cut me off since May. I just said I love you. Glad to hear about your new job. Decided less to text was best. Now it is wait and see with him. Trying not to get my hopes up about either of them. Also I have been leaving them alone... No text... No calls.

LexieCat

Well, THAT is pretty encouraging. And yes, I think keeping expectations low, for right now, is very smart. He may be just sticking a toe in the water, and it might be a while before you're as close as you were, but it sure doesn't sound like he's written you off.

You're handling it the right way--I'm sure of it.

qtpi

Thanks lexie. That and waiting on the finances is making me crazy. I can't wait until the finances are apportioned. Then maybe I can make some decisions about retirement and buying a home. Have been in a tiny apartment for one year. Don't want a huge place... But would like to have room for a dining table. Its really small.

HURTINGDINA

Good luck qtpi

dandylion

qtpi....that is welcome news. You have do ne well under difficult circumstances for a mother's heart.....
I always remember my grandmother's words...."Leave them alone, and they will come home (eventually)....wagging their tails, behind them".

qtpi

I am feeling better today- Confused about my son's text, but I like the image of sticking a toe in the water. And as I was reading the answers to this thread I heard the song, Helplessly Hoping. Interesting Lyrics for sure- good phrase for how I am feeling.

hopeful4

Last night my XAH, with whom I have been divorced for THREE years, said some very manipulative and outright lies about my DD to her. It was abusive emotionally and not a surprise.

My point here....even though I was not involved, at all, he still blamed me, he still told lies about me to my DD. It just never stops. I promise at some point your children will see it for what it is, and see him for who he is. My X loves to blame me, but honestly, the stuff he tries it with does not even make sense, and my children can see through it 100%.

It won't ever change b/c of who he is, but I have changed, and with lots of counseling, my children are growing up to recognize it as well. I am breaking the chain, and you are doing the same.

Many hugs!

honeypig

qtpi, I just posted this link in another thread where a member is worried about how her kids will react to decisions she is making:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...dtr-2nite.html

I hope you find some help/hope in it too.