Ladybird579

I lost my kids cos I stayed. We are damn if we do and damed if we don't. My exah told lies to them about me some of them believed. He said we had split up cos I had another man. The only man in my life was my dog. The last thing I wanted at that time was another man. 3 years on I am not that keen on the idea tbh. He said I didn't love them. Totally untrue.

It hurt a lot but am learning to live with it. It's how they wanted to see me and nothing I could have done would change that. I know they won't change their minds. They have dug in and the ones still speaking said it would cost them too much pride to admit they were wrong about me...not after the cruelty they displayed.

I hope yours thaw. It sounds like they might xx

dandylion

Ladybird.....I know you may not really believe me, about this...but....don't underestimate what time and the maturing process of our kids can do.....
It may take a long time...but, I believe that they will modify their opinions as they grow older....
I have seen family situations that looked as if a reconnection of the hearts would just be impossible...would never happen....
But, that was wrong.....reconnecting did happen......

I just know that if your kids loved you at 6yrs....they will always love you...way down deep where they can't acknowledge it, right now.....but, they still do....

honeypig

I'm going to echo dandy--I understand my parents much differently now, at 56, than I did at 26, 36, or 46. I went NC w/my mom for several years, from my mid 40's till my early 50's, related to my "coming out" about sexual abuse from a stepfather when I was a kid. She didn't believe me, took his side over mine. Now THAT is a hard thing to heal--but the things I've learned in recovery have turned things around. I understand that she felt as helpless as I did, as trapped, as unable to make a change. Yes, she was an adult and should have protected me--but she is also an ACOA who never sought help, and I now know what that means. I am able to have compassion, although it took me many years to get there.

Since I've made some progress in my own recovery, I've made a point to try to be as honest w/all my family members as I can be, particularly with both parents. When they die, I want to know that I have done all that I can to understand and to communicate w/them, and to make sure that they know that I love, accept and forgive them, in the same way that I hope they love, accept and forgive me.

It might seem like cold comfort to you, to think about how many years you may have to wait, but growth, perspective, and new learning can really work miracles in a person's life. Your children are by no means "lost forever" b/c you can't see at this moment how or when they will return to you. There is hope, always hope.

dandylion

Honeypig.....thank you for this very powerful post....

atalose

I sadly see and hear of children, young, teens and adult children of alcoholics who need to learn the hard way in order to comprehend and then exhaust all efforts in trying to get someone else to stop drinking. I think many have learned codependent behaviors and they feel the need to help, fix, mend, repair and rescue. While in that process, they shun the sober parent for giving up and letting go. Often they feel the alcoholic parent becomes their responsibility and resentment towards the parent who left builds. They need to stay in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) for a bit in order to find their way out just like you did.

I think counseling would be a great idea for you to work all of the thoughts you have out.

abbccj03

((((((group hug)))))) Thank you all for sharing!

dandylion

Ladybird
...You can get books about Adult Children of Alcoholics on www.amazon.com....
You might find this literature enlightening as to what dynamics may be at play in your children....

At minimum, it might help you to not personalize their behavior to you as much....It might take some of the burden off of you....

DesertEyes

We have a list of books on that subject over here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nks-acoas.html

Mike

qtpi

An alano n friend recommended Done with the Crying. It is excellent. I am on page

qtpi

Page 89. Wish I could jus

amy55

Hi qtpi,

I just now got off of a 2 hr phone call with my son. He didn't speak to me for many years. I also now have 2 hr phone calls with my youngest daughter. These are weekly now, sometimes 2 times a week.

I had to go no contact with my oldest daughter, my drama queen. If you need more of an explanation about that, let me know, I did post here about that.

I was so angry at my ex for everything. I wanted to blame my ex for everything.

I talked to my youngest daughter really in depth, last week. She was around the longest, and heard the most.

All my children are age 30+ now. It was for about 8 years that I had a really strained relationship with my 2 youngest.

I realize now that I wanted to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) with my children, so that they would know what an abusive relationship I was in. Thing is, I was talking about their dad, who finally started to act like a dad to them. So, it was Iike I was trying to break a bond that they finally had with their dad.

It was the wrong way to go about things.

I finally was able to sit down with my daughter and actually listen to her, and her feeling, and I wanted to validate her (not me this time). It was about her, and her only. I needed to see things through her eyes, and her experiences, not mine. I'm so glad that I took a piece of that "humble pie".

I was in an abusive relationship. I wanted validation. I never stopped to notice that they also needed validation for what they were feeling.

I had to deal with things like... "Why would you throw yourself down the steps, so that you could have dad arrested for DV", and being accused of saying that " I will chop off your dads head and put it on your doorstep, ring the bell, and say Happy Birthday to my grandsons, and that's why I couldn't have you over to my house". Well, I never did or said those things, but I had to put that aside.

I needed to listen, and to remember all of the times that I was so out of it, that I was neglecting my own children. I was looking for the validation back then, but what did they have. They had parents that were fighting constantly. They weren't feeling safe, and I was so stuck in my own situation, that I wasn't hearing or listening to them, and I was complaining that I wasn't being heard or listened to, but yet, I was doing that to them.

Thing is during this time, my ex was finally acting like a dad, and I was just gone, I wasn't there for anyone, and I wanted everyone to be there for me.

My advice, when you talk to your son or daughter, have a piece of that "humble pie". It's really good. See them for who they are, and just listen to them. Don't JADE them.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy