ngtta0630

I'm new to this Forum, and can really use some advice. I'm in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic. We have a son together and he has been is my oldest son's life as a father figure since he was 5 (he's now 9). We were engaged a few years ago, and I say "were" because I called it off. It just felt like too many lies, including the lie of "happily ever after." We are still together and I love him very much. He is faithful and and hard working. He is sweet, thoughtful and loving, when he isn't drinking. When he drinks, he becomes condescending and aggressive. Last September his drinking actually led to a physical confrontation that resulted in a domestic violence charge. He was put on probation and upon my request, had a scram (a device that detects ANY alcohol in the system, you can't even use mouthwash) for 6 moths of his two year parole.

He does not have "the shakes", or other withdrawl symptoms, and can give up drinking with, seeming, ease. While on the SCRAM, he was stone cold sober for the entire 6 months. We rebuilt our relationship. It felt great to trust him with the kids and driving, even going to the store alone, which was such a strain before. He got the SCRAM off a few weeks ago, and even though he has to take random UAs, I think he is drinking again. He never seems to get caught or pop hot though.

Could I just be so damaged that I automatically suspect him? He is SO good at hiding evidence that I don't think I'll ever find it. He just makes me feel insane. That too sweet smell is back. The aggressive behaviors are coming back. The slightly slurred speech and off balance movements are back. I've come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER have an adult conversation with him about my concerns. Maybe I am crazy. I don't even know anymore. I feel like I can never trust anyone again. What should I do?

dandylion

ngtta...you don't need to have the empty cans or bottles to know that he is drinking......
You know what you know.

When my son tried to drink while in my house...I told him that "He was drinking"...when he tried to deny it...I said "That is a statement...not a question".....if he still protested...I said "I know what know--this is not up for debate"...(he had to leave if he was drinking...as he knew that he was not allowed to drink or be intoxicated in the house)......

hopeful4

If your gut tells you it's happening, it is very likely happening.

So sorry.

AnvilheadII

I feel like I can never trust anyone again.

that casts a pretty wide net - how about I feel like I cannot trust MY PARTNER. now, what do you do with that? is it even a partnership without trust? he still has a year and a half probation for DV. I am going to assume that violence was against you or someone else in your household. and that it seemed to happen because of the drinking. and now he has done the ONE thing that shows you where his true concern and love lie...........

see what you see.

Forward12

I think you pretty much "know" when they are back on the bottle or not, and I think it sounds like he is.
Alcoholics are great at lying, hiding, and pretending to be clean, when they are not. I don't think he has any intentions of quitting as I see there was no mention of him trying to make his sobriety last through attending AA or another treatment option. It sounds like the only reason he stopped was to simply stay out of jail.

hearthealth

I've come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER have an adult conversation with him about my concerns.

This is important in healthy relationships.

Scorpiogirl1120

Oh god, that insane feeling is WAY too familiar. My H is doing the same tbing... I had a similar know feeling that something wasn't right, that anxiety came back but he convinced me that he would never go back to that place again.. 3 days later I found him chugging vodka that was hidden in his work van... he swore it was the first time, told me I could look in the truck and he was actually glad I caught him before it became a problem, he was do sorry.. so I looked and he apparently forgot about the 3 empty vodka bottles he had shoved under his seat... oops.
Well, that was a month ago and has since tried about 30 times to convince me I was paranoid, insame, the enemy, trying to start drama and pointing out every insecurity i have as a flaw to prove that it's actually me with a mental problem because he's sober... he definately drinking regularly, denying it to the grave and just being a dick... trust your gut, it knows what we don't want to believe.. I hope you're wrong, I wish I was too, but prepare, truth is Always brought to light eventually.

atalose

A relationship without trust is like a car without gas you can stay in it all you want, but it won’t go anywhere. It won’t grow, it won’t become healthy and you know exactly where staying in this relationship with this active alcoholic can lead to. You have choices here, you can repeat history or you can change your future.

It was built in (false) trust because it had to be, he didn’t have a choice because he was forced to wear the SCRAM but as soon as the SCRAM came off he made a choice, he chose to drink again because he wanted to and he no longer had to accountable not to. You can tell yourself you are imagining it, you can try and convince yourself he’s not drinking by questioning what you are witnessing but in your heart of hearts you know he is. He’s not the one making you feel insane, that’s your own thoughts, fears, denial and uncertainty.

I agree with Anvil, it’s not that you can’t trust EVERYBODY it’s him that you can’t trust.

Have you looked into domestic violence counseling? Al-anon? Therapy?

LexieCat

Mine told me the "smell" on his breath was apples. I later discovered he had a box of wine in the trunk of his car and was hitting that.

I see no reason to "trust" something that is inconsistent with what your own senses are telling you. You know what you know. The question is, do you wait until he physically assaults you again? I'd also note that the abuse is a whole separate issue from his alcoholism. An unhappy, resentful dry drunk with abusive tendencies can be just as dangerous as one who is drinking.

firebolt

You can and should trust YOURSELF!

You aren't crazy - you know what hes like when he drinks - you know how bad it can get when he drinks - and you know it only gets worse from here.

I hope this validates you....even though you don't need validation from us!

You know exactly what's up - trust your guts girlie!!

ngtta0630

That was always my fear. He would say that he was never going back to it, but its hard to take seriously when I know he also isn't actively trying to find better ways to deal with issues. The problem is, he can be sober so easily. He calls it a "bad habit" where he just got used to living his life this way. That doesn't make me feel better, because it shows more of a choice. He chooses to hurt himself and his family. I think I would almost understand it better if he physically couldn't stop the cravings, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

tomsteve

theres sober and theres dry.
sober people change after stopping drinking- change for the better.
dry people act the same way they did while drinking after they stop drinking.
some dry people are even worse without alcohol.

ngtta0630

I would like to attend therapy with him. Its so expensive though. Plus, he knows how to say all the right things, most of which I really do think he means and believes. But he is in DV classes now, court ordered, and he calls them a "******** waste of time." I don't respond when he says this, but I do wish he would TRY to get something from them. He is so closed minded about it. He feels "above" most of the people in the classes with him like he is too good to be there.

firebolt

It may look that way - because you can easily be sober.

Not all alcoholics shake or have seizures when they stop. Booze has made his relationship suffer, caused him to be violent, caused him to wear a monitor, and now hes back to drinking. It's caused big problems in his life, and a few weeks after digging himself out, hes right back to it ...thats pretty much the definition.

And this really worries me....do you, his victim, feel that DV classes are a waste of time for him?

NewRomanMan

Ego, arrogance, lack of humility, whatever name you'd like to put on it makes it very hard for a person to learn almost anything. Much less something they think they don't need or are too good for. Recovery from anything is hard work. And if a person isn't even willing to admit that they need help with it, well, that speaks louder than anything else in my mind.

amy55

This worries me. My ex was also court ordered to DV classes for 26 weeks. He told me a lot about the people that were there, and how he would tell them that what they were doing wasn't OK, but, he was doing the same things. He also felt that he was way above everyone there, and that he shouldn't be there.

I tried to call the place that he went to about his behavior. They told me that they couldn't talk to me, that he was their client, and I wasn't. I do hope these places got better and are more responsive to the person who was abused.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

hopeful4

My X can be sober easily too when he wants to. Problem is, it's not important enough for him to want to, regardless of whom his behaviors hurt.

LexieCat

Just because you aren't seeing a struggle during non-drinking periods doesn't mean it's "easy." I was desperately trying to seem normal when I wasn't drinking, but it was anything but easy. If it were, I wouldn't have wound up where I did.

ngtta0630

I don't think the classes are a wast of time, not from my perspective. I think there may be a lot to learn from those classes, and about himself. I don't feel like I can express that without him being upset and telling me "I'm doing what I'm supposed to. What else do you want?" What I want is for him to change on a deeper level. I don't want all of him to change. Most of him is wonderful, but I want him to really dive in and fight the cause of his drinking. And.... most of all.... I want him to want it and to think his family is important enough to make a permanent change.

ngtta0630

OK, it doesn't look like I'm responding to people correctly. How do I respond to an individual? I don't mind everyone reading what I say, but it makes no sense when I replay to one person and it showes up at the bottom of the remarks. Can someone explain how to do that correctly? :-/