Ituvia

I recently found out from my house help(also feeds the dogs when I am away) that AXBF has been drinking in the morning and hiding booze in one of the ottomans etc. I drink so I KNOW what booze smells like on a person but even I was not aware of the fact that Ex had been drinking many times a month in the morning when I was fast asleep. Also, as my T explained it, it'd appear that my ex was asking me to drink along with him to keep me in a perpetual state of confusion. From what I gather, this has been going on for at least a year or two(maybe more?). Half the time he was apologetic about drinking in the morning, rest of the times, he'd deny it. This happened like 2 or 3 times. I feel so stupid for not *seeing* the things even though I also drink. How is this even possible? If a drinker cannot identify that someone has had a drink, I can imagine how other unassuming spouses can be in the dark about their SO's drinking. Just the "he is an alcoholic" doesn't quite answer my questions though.

SparkleKitty

Sometimes we are unable to admit to what is right in front of our faces. It's the heart's defense mechanism against being hurt. It's a human thing, and it doesn't make you stupid.

Please don't torture yourself trying to untangle every knot of this relationship, which is in your past. When we know better, we do better. To call yourself "stupid" for being a human being just keeps you trapped in a shame cycle that prevents you from healing and moving forward. Give yourself a break, ltuvia. Having all the answers isn't the balm of grief you want it to be.

PhoenixJ

No not stupid- human. Empathy and support. Maybe al-anon?

firebolt

It's not your fault, and you are not stupid because you didn't realize he was hiding it. Normal people don't hide alcohol, or drink in the morning - something would have to seriously be off to even think of something like that. Glad you are out of there!

dandylion

It can be easy to underestimate how clever alcoholics can be at hiding their consumption.........
His motivation to do clever hiding was more intense than your motivation to look for signs....(you didn't have a high index of suspicion, at that time)......

Ituvia

But I know how alcohol smells and how a person looks and talks. EVERY SINGLE TIME I was out of town and he swore he didn't drink, I could find out within a second of picking up the phone and I've never been wrong but this is really puzzling.

SparkleKitty

What does it matter?

Ituvia

I guess it doesn't matter but somehow this stood out to me and I can't believe it.

SparkleKitty

Yes. Ten years out of my relationship with an A I still get blindsided by discoveries of what was really going on vs. what I thought was happening. At least now I can laugh at them.

PinkPetuna

Ituvia,
I know how you feel. I'm working on trying to wrap my head around the fact that my AH lied to me about his abstinence for 1 1/2 years. Sending support.

dandylion

Ituvia....you only knew about the times that you recognized that he had been intoxicated.....but, you did not know every single time....obviously....

AnvilheadII

the lesson here is that for all we can THINK we know our chosen other - their thoughts, their feelings, their souls - we will still get answers wrong on the test. it's not that WE are stupid.....it's that we often see what we WANT to see, and make up the rest, to create a nice cohesive picture that suits US. we ALL can miss stuff that is right in front of our eyes.

truly for your own well being refuse to get any more info about your ex. the minute someone starts - put up a hand and say NO thank you. you could sit and analyze this for years and not get the answers you really seek. cuz they just aren't there.

sometimes the lesson we learn is that there wasn't a lesson.