Learning to navigate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 16
Learning to navigate
Hi everyone,
I spent about 6 months on this site before and it was helpful but haven't logged in for about a year, can't figure out my old credentials and email is deactivated, so starting over with a new id here...
Like many others here, I went through the whole co/dep dance with AH (well, we live as if we're married and refer to eachother as such, but couldn't make it official because of an issue with my birth certificate that I never resolved).
Anyway, I ramble when nervous, my apologies! Did the co dance for a couple of years, he finally sought help and was stayed dry for a year, but without the true dedication to working on himself and actually recovery, inevitably relapsed. During his time away in rehab (90 days out of state) and the year that followed, I started putting more emphasis onot myself rather than him and vowed to never hit that sort of low for him or anyone again.
The work helped... since he relapsed a month ago, I am nowhere near as involved or controlling or angry as I was in the past about alcohol issues. Ive learned to trust my judgement and not fall for the lies and manipulations that go with his denial and alcoholism. I can separate the disease from him and still love the person he was without loving the alcohol induced him and detach from him when he's clearly been drinking (not that it's ever going to be admitted that he is the totally sober) and I am not getting sacked in and as insulted by his projections and blame and deflection on to me.
I wouldnt go as far as to say that I'm at peace with it, I'm definitely not, but I'm way better than I was and his relapsed hasn't triggered my own, so I'm kind of proud of myself for it.
Right now, we're not speaking... I'm the enemy for not tolerating his behaviors and refusing be accommodating to how he feels I should be acting toward him... I'm sure we all know how that goes. Im not nice and commpassionate enough to him for his relapse that he claims was only a 1 week stint and he's sober now (BS!) and i wont just trust him at his word so that "makes" him want to drink, if only I were...he wouldnt need to drink, even though he claims he's not anyway? Whatever, not trying to make sense of delusions anyway.
We decided its best if he moves out... from his view, he needs to be on his own for his own wellbeing because im not treating him like the king he deserves to be treated as. Besides, he wont have a reason to drink if im not there to make him do it, lol. I agreed that it would be best and is time to move on, wished him well and offered him 6 weeks to save and get a place. He's broke and not able to move out immediately, which I wish wasn't the case, but he works 2 weekdays and the whole weekend, just passes out shortly after chugging his vodka in the driveway when he gets home, i keep my kids occupied and totally clear of him till hes sleeping and he works weekends so he's not around us for the kids days off either. I'm not in any danger, not afraid of him and not letting his **** stop me from living my life with my kids right now. He's basically just a huge annoyance for me and while part of me does love him, when he's on this path that love gets repressed and is replaced with disgust and pity.
So, after that long winded insight into the story line, here's what I'm trying to navigate... he's getting worse and worse and the man I loved is getting shoved further and further somewhere into the alcohol abyss that has become his mind.
I had given him the option to come clean, seek help and we could try to figure things out if and when he got sober and he could stay here through it to see if we can get through this or he could keep denying the problem, live life however he wants and don't let the door hit ya on the way out. This is when he decided to leave. Financially, it will be rough but I'm not too concerned, I'm pretty innovative and resourceful and bring in more than him anyway. Since I know he has nothing and there is little expendable income, I told him that he could take his next couple of paychecks and not bother helping with any bills and instead put it toward a deposit for a new place to live, also told him to take any furniture or anything else he wanted from this house to get out quicker. It will be rough but no amount of money or material things are worth enduring alcoholic narcissism longer than necessary.
****Here's what I'm afraid of. What if he takes his checks, gets drunk and goes drunk spending, doesn't save them and then I stuck with all the bills, no financial help from him and he doesn't find a place to live?? What is the line between controlling him and not alowing him the choice of what to do with his own money and trying to make sure that I'm not getting screwed and stuck with a broke drunk in my house?
We rent, I can't afford to move at all and I called the court, they said that I can't evict him and that if the landlord files eviction it would be for all tenants on lease to vacate, not just one person. Any suggestions? I really don't know the best way to handle this situation. For myself and kids without making it worse.
Thanks!!!!!
I spent about 6 months on this site before and it was helpful but haven't logged in for about a year, can't figure out my old credentials and email is deactivated, so starting over with a new id here...
Like many others here, I went through the whole co/dep dance with AH (well, we live as if we're married and refer to eachother as such, but couldn't make it official because of an issue with my birth certificate that I never resolved).
Anyway, I ramble when nervous, my apologies! Did the co dance for a couple of years, he finally sought help and was stayed dry for a year, but without the true dedication to working on himself and actually recovery, inevitably relapsed. During his time away in rehab (90 days out of state) and the year that followed, I started putting more emphasis onot myself rather than him and vowed to never hit that sort of low for him or anyone again.
The work helped... since he relapsed a month ago, I am nowhere near as involved or controlling or angry as I was in the past about alcohol issues. Ive learned to trust my judgement and not fall for the lies and manipulations that go with his denial and alcoholism. I can separate the disease from him and still love the person he was without loving the alcohol induced him and detach from him when he's clearly been drinking (not that it's ever going to be admitted that he is the totally sober) and I am not getting sacked in and as insulted by his projections and blame and deflection on to me.
I wouldnt go as far as to say that I'm at peace with it, I'm definitely not, but I'm way better than I was and his relapsed hasn't triggered my own, so I'm kind of proud of myself for it.
Right now, we're not speaking... I'm the enemy for not tolerating his behaviors and refusing be accommodating to how he feels I should be acting toward him... I'm sure we all know how that goes. Im not nice and commpassionate enough to him for his relapse that he claims was only a 1 week stint and he's sober now (BS!) and i wont just trust him at his word so that "makes" him want to drink, if only I were...he wouldnt need to drink, even though he claims he's not anyway? Whatever, not trying to make sense of delusions anyway.
We decided its best if he moves out... from his view, he needs to be on his own for his own wellbeing because im not treating him like the king he deserves to be treated as. Besides, he wont have a reason to drink if im not there to make him do it, lol. I agreed that it would be best and is time to move on, wished him well and offered him 6 weeks to save and get a place. He's broke and not able to move out immediately, which I wish wasn't the case, but he works 2 weekdays and the whole weekend, just passes out shortly after chugging his vodka in the driveway when he gets home, i keep my kids occupied and totally clear of him till hes sleeping and he works weekends so he's not around us for the kids days off either. I'm not in any danger, not afraid of him and not letting his **** stop me from living my life with my kids right now. He's basically just a huge annoyance for me and while part of me does love him, when he's on this path that love gets repressed and is replaced with disgust and pity.
So, after that long winded insight into the story line, here's what I'm trying to navigate... he's getting worse and worse and the man I loved is getting shoved further and further somewhere into the alcohol abyss that has become his mind.
I had given him the option to come clean, seek help and we could try to figure things out if and when he got sober and he could stay here through it to see if we can get through this or he could keep denying the problem, live life however he wants and don't let the door hit ya on the way out. This is when he decided to leave. Financially, it will be rough but I'm not too concerned, I'm pretty innovative and resourceful and bring in more than him anyway. Since I know he has nothing and there is little expendable income, I told him that he could take his next couple of paychecks and not bother helping with any bills and instead put it toward a deposit for a new place to live, also told him to take any furniture or anything else he wanted from this house to get out quicker. It will be rough but no amount of money or material things are worth enduring alcoholic narcissism longer than necessary.
****Here's what I'm afraid of. What if he takes his checks, gets drunk and goes drunk spending, doesn't save them and then I stuck with all the bills, no financial help from him and he doesn't find a place to live?? What is the line between controlling him and not alowing him the choice of what to do with his own money and trying to make sure that I'm not getting screwed and stuck with a broke drunk in my house?
We rent, I can't afford to move at all and I called the court, they said that I can't evict him and that if the landlord files eviction it would be for all tenants on lease to vacate, not just one person. Any suggestions? I really don't know the best way to handle this situation. For myself and kids without making it worse.
Thanks!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
Scorpio, welcome back. I guess you know the trip down the addictive path is usually a crap one. Hope for the best, assume the worst. I would think try to get your finances separated and perhaps talk to the people who the bills are owed to= perhaps see about a payment plan? Get advice on the financial- make sure to keep a record of every thing from now on, emails, phone etc.
Most importantly- stay safe and plan for your future and your kids- do not put them on hold for him. That is his journey now, not yours. Is there somewhere perhaps you can go (Plan B?) if your current place is too crap?
Empathy and support to you. Keep posting. PJ
Most importantly- stay safe and plan for your future and your kids- do not put them on hold for him. That is his journey now, not yours. Is there somewhere perhaps you can go (Plan B?) if your current place is too crap?
Empathy and support to you. Keep posting. PJ
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi Scorpio, maybe you could talk it over with him when he's sober? Would he allow you to take part of his check and keep it until he has enough to move? If he's giving you some anyway, he's obviously buying his liquor from the rest. Personally I wouldn't hesitate to 'control' him for the period it takes to get him out.
If he can't agree with that, then at least use his money for the bills. No point in letting him off paying his share if he's drinking it away.
If he can't agree with that, then at least use his money for the bills. No point in letting him off paying his share if he's drinking it away.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You need to consult with a lawyer to find out your rights and your options. The court isn't allowed to give legal advice. It may be that you can file for separation and seek temporary possession of your home, which would require him to leave. There may be other suggestions or options, as well.
Many will offer a free or low-cost initial consult.
Many will offer a free or low-cost initial consult.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 16
Thank you all... feeling great, you just sparked an idea for me, thank you!! I have tried talking to him about it while he's sober, but itshe a very short convoy, he is so full of anger and indignation and determines to prove that Noone can control him so he ends up rebelling like a teenager and doing the opposite of the right thing just to prove his point... he says he will move out but the time frame gets longer and longer whenever it comes up, he swears he will go to show me that he doesn't need me and that I need him, but I know that he doesn't believe or want that deep down, it's his desire to protect his vodka mistress talking. So, his actions never line up with hisome words, he says things but does nothing about them...
So, feeling great, your idea of taking some of the money as a contribution might work in another way... since he deep down doesn't want to go, he just thinks the threat of leaving will manipulate me into accepting his behavior to keep him, he is willing and has volunteered to pay his share knowledge owing good and we'll that he won't be able to save up that way... I'm going to accept the offer to pay his share, but continue to find a way to maintain finances on my own... I'll put the money from him separate and save it until there is enough for a deposit and then approach him like the nice guy and offer to help him get on his own two feet and help find a place and give him the deposit as a push for him to get out and not have an excuse... the second he leaves I can get his name off the lease, I asked my landlord about that.
I know it's still trying to control the situation, but it's more about me trying to control my life more than his... does that sort of plan make any sense or does it seem like I'm grasping at straws too much?? I definitely welcome opinions!
So, feeling great, your idea of taking some of the money as a contribution might work in another way... since he deep down doesn't want to go, he just thinks the threat of leaving will manipulate me into accepting his behavior to keep him, he is willing and has volunteered to pay his share knowledge owing good and we'll that he won't be able to save up that way... I'm going to accept the offer to pay his share, but continue to find a way to maintain finances on my own... I'll put the money from him separate and save it until there is enough for a deposit and then approach him like the nice guy and offer to help him get on his own two feet and help find a place and give him the deposit as a push for him to get out and not have an excuse... the second he leaves I can get his name off the lease, I asked my landlord about that.
I know it's still trying to control the situation, but it's more about me trying to control my life more than his... does that sort of plan make any sense or does it seem like I'm grasping at straws too much?? I definitely welcome opinions!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Scorpio......I was already on board with Feeling Great....and, you idea sounds very similar to that.....
In your situation, I could picture myself saving his contribution, as you suggested....finding a place for him...and, offering to drive him there to fill out any forms or application...and, even helping him move!!...
As you say...it is about getting him out so you can more control over your own life....
When I divorced my first husband, I worked a second job until I had saved enough for his new apartment and to buy a used car (I kept the one we had)....
I did that because he complained that he didn't have enough money to move out (he did have a good salary).....but, I wanted to wipe out any excuse for him dragging his feet....
In your situation, I could picture myself saving his contribution, as you suggested....finding a place for him...and, offering to drive him there to fill out any forms or application...and, even helping him move!!...
As you say...it is about getting him out so you can more control over your own life....
When I divorced my first husband, I worked a second job until I had saved enough for his new apartment and to buy a used car (I kept the one we had)....
I did that because he complained that he didn't have enough money to move out (he did have a good salary).....but, I wanted to wipe out any excuse for him dragging his feet....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Scorpio. Welcome.
Agree with the others that speaking to an attorney is a good idea. If you have a local legal aid org, that's a good place to begin. Also, many attorneys will do a short, free consult.
Speaking to him about holding his money is a great suggestion, though from the way you describe him he might see that as controlling and balk at the suggestion.
In my experience, most addicts would sooner lop off a limb than leave their cozy drinking nest. How sure are you that he will eventually go?
If you are okay with ratcheting up and experiencing short term pain for long term peace and serenity, how about telling him, when he is sober, that you have changed your mind about helping, and he needs to go NOW.
Then help him pack and have the locks changed.
He will quack about having nowhere to go, but, again in my experience, addicts are surprisingly self sufficient when they have to be.
Ugly, I know. Nothin pretty about alcohol dependency though.
Peace.
Agree with the others that speaking to an attorney is a good idea. If you have a local legal aid org, that's a good place to begin. Also, many attorneys will do a short, free consult.
Speaking to him about holding his money is a great suggestion, though from the way you describe him he might see that as controlling and balk at the suggestion.
In my experience, most addicts would sooner lop off a limb than leave their cozy drinking nest. How sure are you that he will eventually go?
If you are okay with ratcheting up and experiencing short term pain for long term peace and serenity, how about telling him, when he is sober, that you have changed your mind about helping, and he needs to go NOW.
Then help him pack and have the locks changed.
He will quack about having nowhere to go, but, again in my experience, addicts are surprisingly self sufficient when they have to be.
Ugly, I know. Nothin pretty about alcohol dependency though.
Peace.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, sorry, I misread. No, you can't. But I still think a consult with a lawyer would be helpful in terms of other strategies. As I said, the court can't provide legal advice. It may be that the landlord could either evict him for interfering with the OP's right to quiet enjoyment of her home, or find some other ground to break the lease while permitting the OP to sign a new lease of her own.
Won't know until you ask.
Won't know until you ask.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
****Here's what I'm afraid of. What if he takes his checks, gets drunk and goes drunk spending, doesn't save them and then I stuck with all the bills, no financial help from him and he doesn't find a place to live??
well unless you have this agreement in writing and signed by both of you, i'm afraid you might have bought yourself some more misery. you just told an alcoholic they don't have to even TRY to be responsible with their money now. he didn't "hear" the part about being fiscally conscious and financially mature, i'm afraid.
remember, HIS living arrangements are not your concern. he's certainly not worried about anyone else!!
well unless you have this agreement in writing and signed by both of you, i'm afraid you might have bought yourself some more misery. you just told an alcoholic they don't have to even TRY to be responsible with their money now. he didn't "hear" the part about being fiscally conscious and financially mature, i'm afraid.
remember, HIS living arrangements are not your concern. he's certainly not worried about anyone else!!
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