Has anyone cronfronted the "other woman" ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Has anyone cronfronted the "other woman" ?
I am trying so hard trying not to confront other woman, Met her on his job where him and his crew had lunch 6 days a week (her deli** for 7 mos.
AH left me 6 mos after getting sober. Been 9 mos since he left.
Came over yesterday to get last of his tools, etc. {he was with our sons at Chinese Buffet on Easter ** WTF!
Blew off seeing my son's favorite Aunt & their plans for dinner, cause he was with home wrecking ho. . My sons waited 3.5 hrs for him.
They were so sad. It made me so mad.
And yes I know he is a J.Off
I am still so furious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AH left me 6 mos after getting sober. Been 9 mos since he left.
Came over yesterday to get last of his tools, etc. {he was with our sons at Chinese Buffet on Easter ** WTF!
Blew off seeing my son's favorite Aunt & their plans for dinner, cause he was with home wrecking ho. . My sons waited 3.5 hrs for him.
They were so sad. It made me so mad.
And yes I know he is a J.Off
I am still so furious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 32
Hi Hurting
Please, please do NOT interact with the other women in a confrontation or any other commmunication not absolutely required.
This is an emotional reaction that will have consequences after the emotion has passed.
You are involving yourself in a 3rd party's life. This is a matter your partner needs to resolve as he is the person involved with the woman, not you. He needs to close that door.
Confrontations results many, many times in assault charges or legal matters. You do not want this on your name - especially for something that would not change from it.
Please, Think with your head not your heart.
Sending you strength and hugs.
Please, please do NOT interact with the other women in a confrontation or any other commmunication not absolutely required.
This is an emotional reaction that will have consequences after the emotion has passed.
You are involving yourself in a 3rd party's life. This is a matter your partner needs to resolve as he is the person involved with the woman, not you. He needs to close that door.
Confrontations results many, many times in assault charges or legal matters. You do not want this on your name - especially for something that would not change from it.
Please, Think with your head not your heart.
Sending you strength and hugs.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I bet it's tempting, but it's his actions that are really hurting you. He made the choice of being with her and letting his sons down.
Are they of an age to talk to him about this behaviour?
Are they of an age to talk to him about this behaviour?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
That would sort of be like burning down the bar where he goes to drink, wouldn't it? The "other woman" didn't make him cheat, or leave you. He did that himself. He's the one who made himself available.
It won't make you feel any better, or ease any of your pain, either. Your dignity is precious--hold onto it.
It won't make you feel any better, or ease any of your pain, either. Your dignity is precious--hold onto it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm sorry about all you have been through, Dina. I get the anger, I really do...
My ex-husband was unfaithful to me and divorced me. I was so demoralized, thought I was completely unlovable, and then...I was soooooo angry! And yes, I was mad at 'the other woman', too. Just furious!!
But I did not confront her. Why?
Well, she may have 'seduced' my husband, but he did not have to respond.
If I confronted her in an angry way, then I was the one who looked crazy to everyone else.
Turns out, she was an alcoholic and crazy in her own way. She was physically abusive to him. They became one another's 'punishment', if you will...
If I may suggest? Try to pound that exercise out during a long, fast walk. Journal your anger in big, angry letters and words. Get into your car and scream and pound on the steering wheel. Just get that anger out somehow!
Please know that you will get through this time of pain and anger!! I know. I am speaking from the other side.
Sending hugs!
My ex-husband was unfaithful to me and divorced me. I was so demoralized, thought I was completely unlovable, and then...I was soooooo angry! And yes, I was mad at 'the other woman', too. Just furious!!
But I did not confront her. Why?
Well, she may have 'seduced' my husband, but he did not have to respond.
If I confronted her in an angry way, then I was the one who looked crazy to everyone else.
Turns out, she was an alcoholic and crazy in her own way. She was physically abusive to him. They became one another's 'punishment', if you will...
If I may suggest? Try to pound that exercise out during a long, fast walk. Journal your anger in big, angry letters and words. Get into your car and scream and pound on the steering wheel. Just get that anger out somehow!
Please know that you will get through this time of pain and anger!! I know. I am speaking from the other side.
Sending hugs!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 16
Hi,
I'm sorry, it wasn't clear to me if he was with the woman before or after he left you? I totally get your frustration. Either way, but I also know both sides of the coin here... when I me my H, we were both separated from but not divorced from either of our spouses. His stbx wife was living separately and he was still in their home and he had decided to break up when he was trying to get sober and went to rehab. She still held out hope that they would reconcile and that he would never actually divorce her. I wasn't his first girlfriend after their separation but I was the first serious and love relationship and she lost her **** about it. As soon as she found out about me, she moved back into their house, at which point he moved in with me . She has absolutely hated me ever since and says that I am a home wrecker and stole her husband. I understand it and am compassionate about it, to her it seems like she dealt with the drunk ass and I get to swoop on and have the sober guy she wanted abut never got... it sucks, but now he's drunk again and turning to her for his ego since I turned him awayour. These guys are just emotional midgets. As far as I knewas and actually asked her about it, they had been separated for a while before he met me and had been unhappy with their marriage for the bulk of it. He had some horror stories about her, but in all fairness I'm sure she has just as many about him and neither side is probably completely accurate.
Anyway, my point is, if you were separated anyway and he chose to be with someone else, that's on him, not her. You have no idea what she was told the situation was and what she thought she was getting involved with. It sucks to be rejected by a reject, I know ow, I'm going through it too, but it still doesn't mean that another woman had the power to steal hI'm or ruin your marriage, that was his choice and she's a bystander in that. It kind of seems like your anger is directed in the wrong place by calling her a home wrecking ho... she can't come troll him any more than you could, it's his choices and she probably shouldn't be the scape goat for it... plus getting angry with her and calling her names kind of puts you in the position of looking like the crazy jealous ex who can't move on, I'm sure that's not the case and not saying it is, just that you could paint yourself in a better light so that Noone else sees it that way. I'd say direct the anger where it belongs and work through it from there... you deserve bette and so do your kids so save up that anxious energy and put it toward something positive for yourself and kids... you're definitely worth that much. Besides, herror presence probably did you a favor by eliminating the amount of his **** that you're stuck dealing with.
I'm sorry, it wasn't clear to me if he was with the woman before or after he left you? I totally get your frustration. Either way, but I also know both sides of the coin here... when I me my H, we were both separated from but not divorced from either of our spouses. His stbx wife was living separately and he was still in their home and he had decided to break up when he was trying to get sober and went to rehab. She still held out hope that they would reconcile and that he would never actually divorce her. I wasn't his first girlfriend after their separation but I was the first serious and love relationship and she lost her **** about it. As soon as she found out about me, she moved back into their house, at which point he moved in with me . She has absolutely hated me ever since and says that I am a home wrecker and stole her husband. I understand it and am compassionate about it, to her it seems like she dealt with the drunk ass and I get to swoop on and have the sober guy she wanted abut never got... it sucks, but now he's drunk again and turning to her for his ego since I turned him awayour. These guys are just emotional midgets. As far as I knewas and actually asked her about it, they had been separated for a while before he met me and had been unhappy with their marriage for the bulk of it. He had some horror stories about her, but in all fairness I'm sure she has just as many about him and neither side is probably completely accurate.
Anyway, my point is, if you were separated anyway and he chose to be with someone else, that's on him, not her. You have no idea what she was told the situation was and what she thought she was getting involved with. It sucks to be rejected by a reject, I know ow, I'm going through it too, but it still doesn't mean that another woman had the power to steal hI'm or ruin your marriage, that was his choice and she's a bystander in that. It kind of seems like your anger is directed in the wrong place by calling her a home wrecking ho... she can't come troll him any more than you could, it's his choices and she probably shouldn't be the scape goat for it... plus getting angry with her and calling her names kind of puts you in the position of looking like the crazy jealous ex who can't move on, I'm sure that's not the case and not saying it is, just that you could paint yourself in a better light so that Noone else sees it that way. I'd say direct the anger where it belongs and work through it from there... you deserve bette and so do your kids so save up that anxious energy and put it toward something positive for yourself and kids... you're definitely worth that much. Besides, herror presence probably did you a favor by eliminating the amount of his **** that you're stuck dealing with.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Don't do it, Dina. You think it will make you feel better, but it won't.
As Seren suggested, do something with that anger!
Get some exercise. Go for walks. Find something that gives you joy.
Let your X and his gf be. Karma has a way of popping up when you least expect it.
As Seren suggested, do something with that anger!
Get some exercise. Go for walks. Find something that gives you joy.
Let your X and his gf be. Karma has a way of popping up when you least expect it.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Agree with all the advice not to do it-
one add'l thought - presumably he will "side" with her now - what impact would this have if he "acts out" about the kids, etc? Making things more difficult and painful out of his "commitment" to her or such? Just more pain for everyone, I'd think.
Please take care of yourself and your kids. My heart goes out to you for peace.
one add'l thought - presumably he will "side" with her now - what impact would this have if he "acts out" about the kids, etc? Making things more difficult and painful out of his "commitment" to her or such? Just more pain for everyone, I'd think.
Please take care of yourself and your kids. My heart goes out to you for peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
I understand the urge, but no, don't do it.
I found out that my STBXAH had been having an affair for at least a year before we separated. With someone I knew and liked.
It's not worth it. I try to see it as them being perfect for each other - they're both morally degenerate a-holes with low standards, him for cheating and abandoning his family, and her for participating.
Ain't nobody got time for that! Onward and upward - a better life is ahead if you work on spiraling upwards.
I found out that my STBXAH had been having an affair for at least a year before we separated. With someone I knew and liked.
It's not worth it. I try to see it as them being perfect for each other - they're both morally degenerate a-holes with low standards, him for cheating and abandoning his family, and her for participating.
Ain't nobody got time for that! Onward and upward - a better life is ahead if you work on spiraling upwards.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Yes, he was cheating on me when we were together, and he was still at home-and yes she knew he was married and had children.
And yes I am pissed she has him now that he has stopped drinking. And no he's not really sober, he's just not drinking. Big difference that the old timers in AA have told me. He cafeteria picks the program to suit his needs.
Plus he is seeing my sons less and less {she lives 1.5 hrs away** Which hurts my boys terribly. Which in turn kills me seeing them upset.
He denies having a gf/ home wrecking ho. Just tells the boys he is tired or working or going to meetings. F-ing liar!!!
Why aren't my sons important enough?????
He has latched on to this biotch, like he used to do to the bottle.
i
Talking to him or texting is impossible. He still acts delusional, mean and emotionally detached. He is just as much as an a-hole now as he ever was drinking.
My boys are still losing out. He is not willing to listen to my boys telling him he is hurting them. Dropped out of Family Counseling, Says there is nothing wrong with him.
What else can I do but confront her? I can't stand my boys being in pain.
And yes I am pissed she has him now that he has stopped drinking. And no he's not really sober, he's just not drinking. Big difference that the old timers in AA have told me. He cafeteria picks the program to suit his needs.
Plus he is seeing my sons less and less {she lives 1.5 hrs away** Which hurts my boys terribly. Which in turn kills me seeing them upset.
He denies having a gf/ home wrecking ho. Just tells the boys he is tired or working or going to meetings. F-ing liar!!!
Why aren't my sons important enough?????
He has latched on to this biotch, like he used to do to the bottle.
i
Talking to him or texting is impossible. He still acts delusional, mean and emotionally detached. He is just as much as an a-hole now as he ever was drinking.
My boys are still losing out. He is not willing to listen to my boys telling him he is hurting them. Dropped out of Family Counseling, Says there is nothing wrong with him.
What else can I do but confront her? I can't stand my boys being in pain.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Oh my friend. Unleashing your hurt all over this woman simply won't do anything to improve your boys' situation. Not one damn thing.
BUT. What you CAN do is love your boys to pieces and make sure they know that their father's neglect is entirely about their father, and not them. That they are worthy of love, affection, and time, but that some people sometimes are not capable of giving that to anyone, even those they are SUPPOSED to give it to ALL of the time. You can be present for them and show them what it is to respect yourself enough to believe that someone else's downward spiral is not a reflection on ANYONE but that person.
You can own your worth, Dina. And raise two boys who know what it means to own theirs.
Sending you all the love and strength in my heart to get through this.
BUT. What you CAN do is love your boys to pieces and make sure they know that their father's neglect is entirely about their father, and not them. That they are worthy of love, affection, and time, but that some people sometimes are not capable of giving that to anyone, even those they are SUPPOSED to give it to ALL of the time. You can be present for them and show them what it is to respect yourself enough to believe that someone else's downward spiral is not a reflection on ANYONE but that person.
You can own your worth, Dina. And raise two boys who know what it means to own theirs.
Sending you all the love and strength in my heart to get through this.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, Dina...I am sorry for your pain and hurt and anger. Truly!
The sad truth is that even if you unleashed on this woman, it would not make him treat your boys any better. It would not take their pain away....not at all. He might, in fact, decide to never, ever sees your boys again if you did so.
I know that all of us telling you to simply concentrate on your boys and yourself is just oh, so frustrating to you....and may even make you more furious. I am simply appealing to you to consider the logic of this situation for you and for your boys. You all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and he is simply not capable of that.
You are worthy of a peaceful and happy life...and so are your boys.
Sending you many, many prayers and warm thoughts!
The sad truth is that even if you unleashed on this woman, it would not make him treat your boys any better. It would not take their pain away....not at all. He might, in fact, decide to never, ever sees your boys again if you did so.
I know that all of us telling you to simply concentrate on your boys and yourself is just oh, so frustrating to you....and may even make you more furious. I am simply appealing to you to consider the logic of this situation for you and for your boys. You all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and he is simply not capable of that.
You are worthy of a peaceful and happy life...and so are your boys.
Sending you many, many prayers and warm thoughts!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by TropicalWinter 
It's not worth it. I try to see it as them being perfect for each other - they're both morally degenerate a-holes with low standards, him for cheating and abandoning his family, and her for participating.
I have been rising above it for so long, I could be seated at the right hand of the Father!
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by HURTINGDINA
Yes, he was cheating on me when we were together, and he was still at home-and yes she knew he was married and had children.
And yes I am pissed she has him now that he has stopped drinking. And no he's not really sober, he's just not drinking. Big difference that the old timers in AA have told me. He cafeteria picks the program to suit his needs.
Plus he is seeing my sons less and less {she lives 1.5 hrs away** Which hurts my boys terribly. Which in turn kills me seeing them upset.
He denies having a gf/ home wrecking ho. Just tells the boys he is tired or working or going to meetings. F-ing liar!!!
Why aren't my sons important enough?????
He has latched on to this biotch, like he used to do to the bottle.
i
Talking to him or texting is impossible. He still acts delusional, mean and emotionally detached. He is just as much as an a-hole now as he ever was drinking.
My boys are still losing out. He is not willing to listen to my boys telling him he is hurting them. Dropped out of Family Counseling, Says there is nothing wrong with him.
What else can I do but confront her? I can't stand my boys being in pain.
And yes I am pissed she has him now that he has stopped drinking. And no he's not really sober, he's just not drinking. Big difference that the old timers in AA have told me. He cafeteria picks the program to suit his needs.
Plus he is seeing my sons less and less {she lives 1.5 hrs away** Which hurts my boys terribly. Which in turn kills me seeing them upset.
He denies having a gf/ home wrecking ho. Just tells the boys he is tired or working or going to meetings. F-ing liar!!!
Why aren't my sons important enough?????
He has latched on to this biotch, like he used to do to the bottle.
i
Talking to him or texting is impossible. He still acts delusional, mean and emotionally detached. He is just as much as an a-hole now as he ever was drinking.
My boys are still losing out. He is not willing to listen to my boys telling him he is hurting them. Dropped out of Family Counseling, Says there is nothing wrong with him.
What else can I do but confront her? I can't stand my boys being in pain.
Hi Hurting
The pain is so real and hurts deep.
All water finds its own level - its a saying I am very found of and repeat it often to myself. It means no matter how hard you try to change the true nature of something it will come to the fore eventually.
If he gave you what you desire and pretended to be the husband you want him to be although he is now showing you who he truly is then you (and him) would never get to the real issues and really truly be living your truth. You both would be living a lie. Even if you believed the happy husband part he would play it would be a facade with a time limit because he is pretending. You deserve someone who truly desires to be with you and part of your life, not doing you a favor to appease you temporarily.
This is a step, a part of your journey - not the final destination. What is the bigger picture for yourself outside him cheating and not being there for the kids. Where are you and the kids in ten years? polish off those dreams - now you the space and authority (no daddy to please - mommy decided) to arrange your life around it.
Could you see it as a gift that he is being open with how he really feels about you. I would never want to be someones second or third choice. Relantionships aren't appreciated if you force it on someone, when you have to work for it then you appreciate it more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by Tjunction
Hi Hurting
Please, please do NOT interact with the other women in a confrontation or any other commmunication not absolutely required.
This is an emotional reaction that will have consequences after the emotion has passed.
Confrontations results many, many times in assault charges or legal matters. You do not want this on your name - especially for something that would not change from it.
Please, please do NOT interact with the other women in a confrontation or any other commmunication not absolutely required.
This is an emotional reaction that will have consequences after the emotion has passed.
Confrontations results many, many times in assault charges or legal matters. You do not want this on your name - especially for something that would not change from it.
But I'm off today..........
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
dina...you hit a good point that he latched onto her as he did the bottle. but still, it is not HER fault any more than the bottle's fault, HE is the one in charge of the choices he makes.
i know you are hurting for your boys. but you'll need to look at this as objectively as possible - how, in this situation, do you best HELP THEM? how can you best support them with the wretched life lesson as a fading parent? they need to know this is not their fault and that what he is doing is NOT a rejection of them, or that they are in any way less than.
but first you need to get over your anger of feeling like SHE is the problem or that he IS rejecting the boys. they need you as a guide and like it or not that means you get to step up!!! cuz that is what responsible parents do. you are trying to find the one thing to focus the "fault" upon - and while that is a normal reaction, it's just not helping in the long run.
i know you are hurting for your boys. but you'll need to look at this as objectively as possible - how, in this situation, do you best HELP THEM? how can you best support them with the wretched life lesson as a fading parent? they need to know this is not their fault and that what he is doing is NOT a rejection of them, or that they are in any way less than.
but first you need to get over your anger of feeling like SHE is the problem or that he IS rejecting the boys. they need you as a guide and like it or not that means you get to step up!!! cuz that is what responsible parents do. you are trying to find the one thing to focus the "fault" upon - and while that is a normal reaction, it's just not helping in the long run.
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