Nixnox, I feel such empathy for you.
I agree completely with dandylion. Sounds like the mental and emotional resources are rapidly reaching the end. You sound very frustrated and reactive towards her. Please take care of your wellbeing. Right now, you first then the next person

Maybe a step back a deep breath and a new plan of action is needed. What has been done already has not been effective. Lets start with how things are now. She IS using drugs (pot, sleeps all day - signs are there) binge drinking and causing immense stress with her outburst and manipulative behaviour towards you two. Definitely unacceptable behavior. Talking and idle threats will not work for this. I know you mentioned what you tried but I can't seem to pinpoint in your reply an actual consequence outside of harsh words. Even with the counselors she seems to just say Im troubled and then its said ok you are. Nothing after. Where the recommendation plan for her behavior or medication needed or referal to the next step in the ladder is counselor can't get through? Keep trying, there are options still.

The passiveness is her key to getting away with everything. Everyone knows she using drugs/drinks but what happened after that? A few words to calm dad and mom says a few anry words and life goes on.

Once a child is an adult we need let go and let them be. Our job is done its their own job onwards.


I am sending your family strength and hugs.

NixNox....I am wondering, on top of everything...does she have any preexisting impulse control issues...like ADD/ADHD? If so, and it is not addressed, it thickens the pot, considerably....
With her history, she really needs the help of professional mental health persons....you can be her parents (also, with professional support)...but, you can't be her therapist....

Remember.that you do have considerable leverage, as she is living in the family home and largely at the family expense.....
You and your husband really do have to be a tight team...as these kids can be masterful at manipulating and "splitting" the parents....

I am wondering if you have been the lead parent....and, not your husband...? Just asking. Because he is the biological parent...and, unless he is some sort of dysfunctional mess himself, he would be the most logical parent to do the leading. The biological parent almost always has more importance than the step parent...even though you may have done a lot of the work....(step parents always are in a less than favorable position)...biology is powerful and it counts a lot.....