Need some gentle support
 

So I have been very proud of the fact that I blocked AXH from my life since June 16, 2016, but who is counting. I cut him off of all social media, phone and I thought email, but I was wrong. I got an email from him yesterday and it is tugging at my heart strings. ugh, need some gentle support! I wanted to think about this over night on how to handle this!

So my 2 daughters and I are taking a bucket list trip this summer. AXH and I forever talked about doing this trip. My dd24 told him him a couple weeks ago that we were going.

So he reached out yesterday. I know its poor me syndrome, but not sure after a couple years of heavy drinking, life is for ****, no relationship with me or the kids, that this is the opportunity to open the pandora's box and suggest "maybe" seeking some help for himself. Not one thing in the email states he is acknowledging his addictions, just me "pushing him away and him running". But also stating to him, I would never let active addiction in my home or heart ever again so why is he telling me that he loves me. Not sure if I should bring up that I heard he saw Hamilton with his "girlfriend" a couple months ago, so I know that is still going on. I am sure he is using her to facilitate his drinking, just like he did me.

So in his email, he said that he "prayed" that we would get back together and that we could get "remarried" at this destination. Said it was good for us to be on our own as I always did so much for him and he needed to take care of himself. (enabler, me) Said I probably had moved on in my life but he wanted me to know that he still loved me, because life is short.

I am sure I am making more out of this then I should. I just so want to "reiterate" that there is help out there for him, if he chooses to go that route. Sock it to me people, as i know you will knock some sense in me.

Besides that, Happy Easter, my Christian friends

hi maia, love is as love does, right? Is he sober? Was he sober when he wrote it?

No and probably no.

I guess you could treat it as just a statement from him, with little real relevance to you. I mean he's not gotten sober for love.

Personally I'd delete it and not answer him and block him from sending anymore. He knows how to seek help without you suggesting it and he is using emotional blackmail over the trip you both planned originally. It is noones fault he isn't going but his own. Happy Easter xx

Doesn't sound like anything has changed on his end, so why should it for you? I know how heart-wrenching it is to see dreams crumble and die. I'm sure you have pictures in your head of that bucket list item with both you and him in the front seat--and how sad it is that this will never happen.

I, too, feel that same heartache every time I see DGS. AH can't go with me because of the boundaries DS/DIL have set up. He says that not seeing his GS is tearing him apart, so what does he do? He emails the family that he has shaved his head, started on Antabuse, and is going to hit the gym so that he can have his old life back. When this text hit, I was on the road working and was thinking, what the heck???

When I got home, he had just gotten a haircut--not shaved his head; hadn't gone to the gym at all; and was drinking on top of the Antabuse. He admitted that he's trying to figure out how he can get around drinking and still take the Antabuse. So he still hasn't grabbed the golden ticket to his dream of having a life with DGS. And it sounds like your XAH hasn't exactly done anything other than write you a sappy email.

I know how you feel, but resist.

you are doing great. support to you.
I was the alcoholic that destroyed my family unit through a catastrophic event (to myself, accident). Through reading @ SR I have learnt to challenge my own motives and do not talk to my (soon) ex or sons out of respect. The last email I did send one said 'hoping you all have a safe and peaceful Easter' - that is all. Most likely after reading your post I will not do that again. So I live and grow- so as well as offering support, thanks You need to move on with your life. Enjoy your trip (not a bucket list, surely but one of others to come).
Support to you.

Sounds like a typical hoovering move. He's trying to suck you back in. You've been no contact for 10 months then *bam* he's back.

I would recommend continuing no contact. Ignore the email. Don't answer it. Delete it if you keep going back and reading it.

You should be very proud of yourself that you've managed no contact for all these months. Remember your reasons for doing that. Stay strong.

maia.....The answer is "NO."....but, you already know that, don't you....?
Keep your head in charge...not your heart....Your heart is still tooo vulnerable....

Enjoy the trip with your daughter.....

Like FeelingGreat said...there is a good chance that he was drunk when he wrote it......

I do think you would be opening Pandora's box with any response to his "poor me" email.

Not sure why you feel the need to reiterate anything about there being help out there for his drinking issue, he knows there is and he continues NOT to seek it.

And besides, any suggestion of anything on your part will probably be heard/read by him as if he does X, Y or Z then you might re-think remarrying him. And if you state to him that even if he does X, Y or Z you still would not want to get back together then he would hear/read that as then what would the point be.

I'd just delete the email and I would think about getting yourself a new email address and deleting that one.

Happy Easter.

So...he's still drinking, has a girlfriend but is proposing to you (very nice for her), he's all shmoopy about the family his drinking drove away....sounds like a pretty typical case of the 3 a.m. blind drunk nostalgia blues.

No, sweets. Oh hell to the no.

P.S. He may not even remember writing or sending that email you are agonizing over, you know...

Hi Maia - I agree with the above posters. If you reply, 1) he will most likely not "hear" what you are saying, and 2) he will then have confirmation that he can get you to engage by emailing you.

Just because someone emails you doesn't mean you have to answer.

Happy Easter to you, too.

Argh Maia, I would have been right there with you if my qualifier ever emailed me . . . .fortunately I left him long before email was common/invented.

Congrats on the 10 months of no contact that is huge. I too counted days . . . sometimes hours also as it was so hard. Also congrats on coming here to post before answering the email. I used to write and rewrite letters (snail mail . . .yep I'm old) hoping that somehow what I said would change him and his addiction. Nope. It doesn't work that way. For him it probably makes no difference whether you answer this or not although for you it probably makes a huge difference if you re-engage with him.

Sigh . . . big hug to you from someone who so gets where you are.

Bekindalways....I used to send smoke signals....before I got some homing pigeons.....

Mmmmyeah... and I wish (or "pray" lol) that I had a million bucks in the bank...

Hi, maia,

Count me in the "ignore/trash" column. It sounds exactly like the kind of maudlin, self-pitying email I might have sent back in my drinking days. Reminiscing about what seemed like the good ol' days.

You know nothing has changed. Think about how peaceful it's been not hearing from him. If you open the door even a crack, he will assume it's OK to continue to communicate, and nothing good will come of that. Your observations about the state of his life, and what he needs to do to change it, will NOT be welcome, appreciated, or acted upon.

Good job resisting the impulse to reply and posting here, first.

Those violins of temptation sound nice don't they? It's like the booze singing to an alcoholic that has put down the bottle for a while and maybe just one little taste won't hurt,...
Delete the message and block the email address that sent it.

AXH and I forever talked about doing this trip

My dd24 told him him a couple weeks ago that we were going.

and there you have it. he is remembering yet another thing that he screwed up. and he is feeling sowwy for his selfess.

meanwhile you are getting on with things, living life and heading for that bucket list destination. he figures he still has a couple weeks to try and wear you down, probably make some half ass pledge to "do better" and maybe get a seat on the trip bus. this ruse REQUIRES an "i love you" to get the ground all shifty under your feet.

and it's working. suddenly you are wondering if MAYBE........

this is not a cry for help. even if it WAS, you are not to whom the cry for help should be directed. that call would go to a treatment center.

remember he is WITH another woman. what a putz.

so the short answer - NO. figure out how to block email and delete.

I just reread this...

"Not one thing in the email states he is acknowledging his addictions."

There it is. Same stuff, different day.

Ok my peeps.... I only had two written responses that I was going to choose from and email him. I didn't do either. I filed it in my emails under his name and never sent anything. press ignore!!

You guys are right, nothing has changed, he is still a train wreck, and his life has gotten worse. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Once again, you saved my heinie. and all the garbage that would have come with it. Thank you my friends!!

Good on ya Maia.

Did writing the responses out help get it off your chest?

Hope your trip goes well.

Healing and peace to you!

Great decision - your strength has inspired me this morning.