financial woes.................

Old 10-15-2004, 09:44 AM
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financial woes.................

Ok, for awhile now I have been pretending that hubby is not an A. Not wanting to deal with it etc. I handle all the finances and there is usually not enough money. But we limp along. Hubby has a credit card bill 9K, he called a year ago and told them he was out of work and got the interest rate dropped down to 10% for a year. I have been paying the minimum, for this year. Well I noticed today that the interest rate has jumped up to 20% and the new minimum payment is almost double. The good news is that I told him about it instead of not saying anything because I didn't want to upset him. The bad news is that he goes into his quack quack routine. He's not going to pay it etc. etc. Its a conspiracy and Bush is behind it, blah blah blah. So now I am left with the challenge of detaching from this situation. It is not my business, it is not my job to protect his credit rating etc. I understand this and believe it well enough to do it this time, I think.

I will say that I also sometimes feel overwelmed about this society and how hard it is now to keep afloat. I also suffer from the thinking "Oh well, spend that money, I will never get ahead anyway".

I wish I knew more about how his credit actions might affect me. But money is an area where I feel like a failure and hate to focus on it. Do I need to gather information about how his actions might affect me? Or is that just a way of trying to get involved and control his actions because the way he wants to react scares me? Oh fooey...............
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Old 10-15-2004, 09:54 AM
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Hi Rose. I can totally relate! My AH keeps making bad choice, after bad choice regarding his jobs and I handle all or finances. I just recently took back a credit card and told him he can not charge anything on another one until it is paid off and I can get my name off it. I swear to you - it literally took me 3 days to get up the courage to even ask him for it back... But, once I did, it was soo easy and I felt great!!! Like I had finally take an 'action' for myself. I, too, am not sure about the credit card and how it impacts you? I wonder the same thing myself. If it doesn't, and he's not working...I just wouldn't pay it. Let him figure it out. I know how easy that is to say and how much harder it is to do. I let money get me sooo stressed out and get so sick of his stupid decisions in terms of providing stability for our family. I'm sorry honey - I hope you can figure out a plan that works for you....I'm still working on mine too..
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Old 10-15-2004, 01:00 PM
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I am still very emotional about money, although I have been very successful in digging myself out of the financial hole I got into with my exH. Learning about my financial responsibilities was like other aspects of life, once I knew the truth there is no room for FEAR. I try to remember that FEAR is


when I realized what I had to do, it made it much more managable. Like anything in life, if we don't know how to do something it may seem overwhelming until we get the facts.

There is a wonderful set of books by a brilliant woman, Suze Orman. She is a financial guru and in my mind the goddess of financial freedom. One of her main beliefs is that if you respect your money, your money will respect you. I can say from first hand experience that once I started looking at my finances in this way, I wanted to make many positive changes - and I am now in a much better financial state with just my income than I was when I was married. And my husband made TWICE what I made. I have more savings, and less debt and more piece of mind. I think that it was easier for me to make the financial changes because I was in recovery in other areas of my life.

If you have a chance check out the book "9 Steps to Financial Freedom" by Suze Orman. She also has a website with some other useful tips.

Money is not something we need to fear. Although I have been known to do it in the past, and still do from time to time, I have learned an immense amount just from reading a few books on what to do to get my financial life in order.

One day at a time, it works in our financial life as well as our Al-Anon life!

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Old 10-15-2004, 03:52 PM
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I think Petunia has some wonderful advice for you. I have not read the book she recommended but knowledge is power in all aspects of our lives.

Personally I would separate from him financially as much as I could. I don't do our bills, Ward does, and he would not be the least bit shy about kicking me in the butt if I was spending too much. Money is something he takes very seriously and he would not allow me to be a weight around his neck. I would not allow that either.

A marriage is a negotiation. It is two people with a goal and they both need to be working toward that goal. Ward is an alcoholic too but he has his eye on the same prize that I do. A comfortable retirement.

You are not trying to control. You are the only one paying the bills and he is not going to know what you are thinking unless you say so. He won't kill you. He knows who puts the food on his table and the beer in the fridge. He may behave like a baby for a bit but if you stick to your guns you will gain respect for yourself. Listening to him place blame everywhere but where it belongs can be eye opening.

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Old 10-15-2004, 06:33 PM
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Credit Cards

If those credit cards are in both of your names then it is your debt also.
Best way to find out is to order your credit report from all 3 credit bureaus. You can do this on line.Shop around at differant sites to get a good price. You can even use his card to order it.
Better yet, order yours and his.
Good luck
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Old 10-15-2004, 06:55 PM
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While some things work for others but won't for is what I did when I finally came to terms with the truth about our financial state. And while none of this may work for you - it's been very big for my own recovery! Remember, we must always find what works for us!

First, I opened a savings account. My own account at a different bank than AH and I have our accounts through.
About a year later, I opened my own checking account. (Ironically, the checks finally arrived about 2 weeks after AH moved out!!!)
I paid off MY car!!!
I paid and continue to pay off as much debt as I can that has MY name on it.
I called the credit card company that AH has his card with and asked about my liability for that card (I am an authorized user of the card, but it's technically AH's card) and I wanted to know where that debt stood with ME!
I realized that the mortgage was one of those BIG things with me. AH always paid it late......big bad subject!!!.....and I realized one day that it was a very HUGE stressful part of my life. So I decided that I would no longer deal with that house payment. I do not discuss the account with them when they call for payment, I tell them to talk to AH. I do not respond to their notices. I do not return their phone calls. Etc. Granted, a lot of people that know this think I'm insane because my name is on the mortgage as well - but for me, it's the best thing to do. I will not/cannot deal with it anymore!!!!!! To make a long story short, AH got our house in a mess - I've gotten us out of it before, I will not do it again! He needs to deal with his own mess!
I have gotten 5 credit cards in MY name only!!! I am the responsible one when it comes to money and the only reason that I got those cards is to start re-building my credit! (I have other things I need to do to improve more, but it's a start).
And through 6 years of hearing him tell me to quit my job - I never did. And I am so thankful for that now!!!!! And since AH and I have split up, I have been promoted to a new position, got on a better shift, and yes, got a raise (or two, LOL). I will not be completely dependant on anyone ever again to support me financially as long as I can help it!!!!!!

I'm sure there is more I can do and should be doing. Hopefully that will come soon enough.
However, there is something I want to share with you. I realized after AH and I had split up that it wasn't his drinking that caused his irresponsibility with money as I had always though. Quite the opposite actually - it was/is his irresponsibility that has caused the problems with his drinking and the money. And AH always drank more when stressed - and alot of that stress was financial stress. AH never was taught how to manage money. Though I've tried to teach him for years, he truly just doesn't seem to care.
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Old 10-15-2004, 07:23 PM
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When my ex and I split he left me with $5000 on one credit card, numerous other credit cards, and a truck payment. After considering bankruptcy, I called CCCS (Consumer Credit Counseling). At my appointment they cut up my credit cards in front of me, made arrangements with the credit card companies, and set up a monthly payment for me. It took me 3 years to pay it off but it didn't hurt my credit rating. When we bought our house 8 years ago my credit went through with no problem. They don't do mortgages, vehicle payments or installment loans but they can help with credit cards. And like Petunia said Suze Orman is a genius. She is also on TV in my area Saturday and Sunday nights. One thing she always says is, "Pay yourself first". Before anything else put money in a savings account. I have been trying to put 10% of our total income in our savings account every week. I'm not always diligent about it but I have been doing pretty well. Good luck.
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Old 10-15-2004, 10:16 PM
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I also am going thru financial troubles... I have seen some of my credit cards go from 9% to 19% or more... then one card reduced the minimum payment to $1. The interest alone is $10, so I plan on (as long as I can) paying at least double or more of the interest. Then I am in another phase, called Cutting Back on Everything. He is coming back from a trade show (that he shouldn't have gone to) in 2 days, to what I'm making alot of tommorrow, beans n ham (in that order). It reminds me of the time an elderly couple ~ Tried to have the butcher cut and sell ~ half of a ham hock. I put alot of things on a power strip, with a flip of a switch, I have less things telling me what time it is (tv, vcr, microwave, etc). I have lowered the heat (sweaters and sweatshirts will be in style at my place), I have used the ac once or twice this summer (glad for a cooler summer), my drink of choice is brewed ice tea. I bought a few boxes on sale the beginning of summer, this cost 18 cents a gallon. Then get a box of sweetner packs from the dollar store. I lowered the hot water heater. If you want to read more type in ~ frugal or tightwad in the search box. You will find such stories as the 70 yr old woman who fasts once a week (usually Fri) so her grocery bill is less and tells her family not to invite her, cause she can't get them a gift, and the person who says to wear a sweatshirt with the hood up to bed, and how to use the plastic bag from inside the cereal box. I also find this society hard to stay afloat in.

Last edited by chrisea; 10-16-2004 at 09:46 AM.
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Old 10-16-2004, 09:24 AM
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As myselfagain said, if the cards are in both your names, you will be held responsible too. Unfortunately.

My niece had an instance where she was separated from her husband, but had not filed papers. During that time, he went out and bought a big rig costing almost $100,000. It was in his name only. She signed nothing.

They got back together, he lapsed on payments on the truck and it was repossessed. The mark isn't just against him but her because she was his wife...I never did understand that; also it has also affected her credit rating and ability to get low interest loans. This is a new one on me. But then, an attorney would be the one who could explain this.

I don't know if they do it anymore, but I've seen notices posted in the newspaper stating that such and such would no longer be held responsible for debts, etc. incurred by such and such. It has to be published so many days in the paper. This covers you in the event he goes wild with credit cards.

And then, you can close out the accounts and reopen in your name only. Our A son had one of our cards for emergency purposes while in college and was using it to treat his friends to dinner and buy booze, etc. WE closed it out and he found out when he went to pay for a big meal. He was really pissed, but we told him that he had taken advantage of it, so he no longer had the priviledge of using it and if there ever was an emergency, tough nuggies.

So, you've got lots of options with all the postings. The important thing is to get his name removed from anything that would drag you down financially.

Good luck, Kathy
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Old 10-16-2004, 08:47 PM
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I have seen some of my credit cards go from 9% to 19%

Let me share with ya'll what I have done with two of my credit cards that had what I thought was a hign interest rate. One was 6.9 and one was 18.9.
I calledthe credit card company and very nicely told them that another company had offered me a much lower interest rate of 3.9 until it was paid in full if I transfered a balance of another card. I then asked what my interest rate was with them. ( I already knew, I just wanted her to have to say what it was) I let her know that I was ready to transfer my balance from her company to another so I could get a lower interest. She at that time told me that they had a special promotion going on and could match the other companies interest rate of 3.9. Yeah right, only after I called about it.
Its worth a phone call.
Good luck
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Old 10-18-2004, 09:50 AM
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Thanks friends for your thoughts on the financial situation. I will give this some serious thought this week. In our situation, I am the one that makes impulsive buys and spends money we don't have. I am the one that needs to get a grip with this. However, it is his card that is the problem right now. My name is not on this credit card. I will get that book from the library this week.
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