I'm back again! Thinking of addressing the silence
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Posts: 73
I'm back again! Thinking of addressing the silence
So, we are now a week away from the "incident" that led to him yet again stating all our problems boil down to me being a cold b*!# who's never happy. This is a recurring theme and his only rationalization/explanation for any issue we have the last several years. It should have been a minor issue, and I immediately owned my own overreaction to what happened (wasn't even a fight or a criticism of him anyway), but that wasn't good enough - I gave him an opening and he jumped on it. He is still not speaking to me unless absolutely necessary - no goodbyes, good nights, etc. nothing ... An entire week.
I've not brought it up at all, nor have I gone out of my way to be sarcastic or try to converse with him. It's killing me as I'm a let's get this out and over type of gal.
However, my oldest dd has expressed sadness that we don't seem to do anything "family" anymore - true, I've stuck by my boundary to not be around him when he's drinking. If we go out to dinner, he drinks; in the evenings at home, he drinks. If the kids are up, sometimes I'll sit and watch tv with everyone, but after they go up, I retreat to the bedroom.
(Per her), he has now suggested that we all go and pick paint swatches, look at floors to remodel the house (a planned project). It is also Easter (we typically go to my MIL/SILs house). I do NOT want to do either with him. His attitude this time has done a lot of damage, and I am at best doubting whether we will both be living in the house in a year. I have separate issues involving my MIL which make that a task in itself, especially given our own personal issues right now.
I'm thinking of approaching him about this situation tomorrow at a quite moment and am not sure how to do so. Really, my only goal is to make an attempt to gain some peace in our home. I considered just asking him as nicely as I can if whatever point he's trying to prove is worth the damage this is doing; I can't think of any other way to ask him WTF his problem is LOL!
I don't really know what I'm looking for in posting this, maybe just venting or getting it out of my head.
Off-topic but related - I was watching Moonstruck last night, and the scene where she smacks Nick Cage and screams "snap out of it!" resonates right now - I need someone to do that for me. I asked a friend here at work to do it, but she's in HR and said that was a big no-no
I've not brought it up at all, nor have I gone out of my way to be sarcastic or try to converse with him. It's killing me as I'm a let's get this out and over type of gal.
However, my oldest dd has expressed sadness that we don't seem to do anything "family" anymore - true, I've stuck by my boundary to not be around him when he's drinking. If we go out to dinner, he drinks; in the evenings at home, he drinks. If the kids are up, sometimes I'll sit and watch tv with everyone, but after they go up, I retreat to the bedroom.
(Per her), he has now suggested that we all go and pick paint swatches, look at floors to remodel the house (a planned project). It is also Easter (we typically go to my MIL/SILs house). I do NOT want to do either with him. His attitude this time has done a lot of damage, and I am at best doubting whether we will both be living in the house in a year. I have separate issues involving my MIL which make that a task in itself, especially given our own personal issues right now.
I'm thinking of approaching him about this situation tomorrow at a quite moment and am not sure how to do so. Really, my only goal is to make an attempt to gain some peace in our home. I considered just asking him as nicely as I can if whatever point he's trying to prove is worth the damage this is doing; I can't think of any other way to ask him WTF his problem is LOL!
I don't really know what I'm looking for in posting this, maybe just venting or getting it out of my head.
Off-topic but related - I was watching Moonstruck last night, and the scene where she smacks Nick Cage and screams "snap out of it!" resonates right now - I need someone to do that for me. I asked a friend here at work to do it, but she's in HR and said that was a big no-no
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well at least in his silent treatment he isn't yelling at you, calling you names. are you SURE you want to poke that bear?
if you don't want to <<fill in the blank>> you don't HAVE to. you get to choose your own schedule, appointments, errands and tasks.
if you don't want to <<fill in the blank>> you don't HAVE to. you get to choose your own schedule, appointments, errands and tasks.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Hey unicorn,
I can't tell you what to do, simply because anything you do here will be considered the wrong thing to do. I can empathize with you though. I've BTDT.
I think you're aware that if you try to discuss anything, it's like poking and provoking the bear. If you don't do anything then he is in his mind proving himself right about you, that you are a b*tch. In a way, I think he is also setting things up with the kids. My ex used to be so nice to the kids when he was acting like that with me. It made me look like the b*tchy, crazy person, that I didn't want to do anything with him or the family, while he wanted to make these great repairs to the house.
With going to the MIL's house, I had no problem with his family, my problem was sitting in the car for 3 hours with him, acting the way that he was. He would ignore me the whole way there and back, while having a good time joking around with the kids, and then while at MIL's it was like we were doing terrific, had no problems at all, until we got back in the car again.
((((((((((many hugs)))))))))
amy
I can't tell you what to do, simply because anything you do here will be considered the wrong thing to do. I can empathize with you though. I've BTDT.
I think you're aware that if you try to discuss anything, it's like poking and provoking the bear. If you don't do anything then he is in his mind proving himself right about you, that you are a b*tch. In a way, I think he is also setting things up with the kids. My ex used to be so nice to the kids when he was acting like that with me. It made me look like the b*tchy, crazy person, that I didn't want to do anything with him or the family, while he wanted to make these great repairs to the house.
With going to the MIL's house, I had no problem with his family, my problem was sitting in the car for 3 hours with him, acting the way that he was. He would ignore me the whole way there and back, while having a good time joking around with the kids, and then while at MIL's it was like we were doing terrific, had no problems at all, until we got back in the car again.
((((((((((many hugs)))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: SoCal
Posts: 73
It's funny you use that expression, Anvil. I just had to explain to my kids this week (based on their own fighting, not anything to do with AH) what "poke the bear" meant ... Ain't no hell like a 10-yr old girl!
I know I'm opening the can of worms again, but I can't convince myself either way is the "better" option at the moment. Still not sure what I will end up doing. I figure I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't - but what else is new?
I know I'm opening the can of worms again, but I can't convince myself either way is the "better" option at the moment. Still not sure what I will end up doing. I figure I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't - but what else is new?
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 40
Hi Unicorn,
My dad would say that "you're between a rock and a hard place." I empathize with you and your dilemma. I don't have a solution to recommendation. But I want you to know, I've heard what your saying. It's not easy. Especially when your kids are asking for family time and you know exactly where that will lead.
My dad would say that "you're between a rock and a hard place." I empathize with you and your dilemma. I don't have a solution to recommendation. But I want you to know, I've heard what your saying. It's not easy. Especially when your kids are asking for family time and you know exactly where that will lead.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by Wheresmyunicorn 
I figure I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't - but what else is new?
The joy of living with an alcoholic.....
Sorry you are going through this. My XAH used to use this type of passive aggressive BS with me too. So frustrating and infuriating.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Is it really your job to jolly him out of this? I know it seems like you're doing it for the kids' sake, but unless he's posing a danger to them, you might be better off just letting him do his thing.
Are the kids getting any counseling to help them put this behavior into perspective, so they can see it's not anything THEY (or you) are doing to cause it?
Are the kids getting any counseling to help them put this behavior into perspective, so they can see it's not anything THEY (or you) are doing to cause it?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Kind of agree with Lexie. Is it so bad not having conversations, getting hellos or good byes?
He wants to get a rise out of you, and he knows that this is a proven way to do it.
Two can play.
Just sayin.
He wants to get a rise out of you, and he knows that this is a proven way to do it.
Two can play.
Just sayin.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Better yet, let him play with himself, lol. You don't have to one-up him, or respond in any way, other than to go about the business of living. If he chooses to check out of family interaction, that's on him.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
My husband gives me the silence treatment. The silence actually is peaceful. If I talk he turns it into blah, blah,b****,blah. If I'm happy and indifferent he has no comeback after awhile I'm truly smiling at his immature tactics. As frustrating as it is, he has to learn his tactics won't get him what he wants and there's consequences to his silent treatment.
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Just wanted to update. I did not bring this up over the weekend. Thankfully, my inlaws are now out of town, and I didn't need to address either issue.
I'm not sure if I'm now playing a game of chicken with him or am just letting this play out (I hope I'm not fooling myself on my motives). The weekend was extremely confusing, with him showing signs of letting it go then going right back to the active ignoring phase. Ugh! I feel like I'm living with a middle school mean girl right now.
I managed to get to a meeting Thursday and today and the topics came into worrying and not forcing solutions - divine intervention, maybe? lol
Hope everyone had a good Easter!
I'm not sure if I'm now playing a game of chicken with him or am just letting this play out (I hope I'm not fooling myself on my motives). The weekend was extremely confusing, with him showing signs of letting it go then going right back to the active ignoring phase. Ugh! I feel like I'm living with a middle school mean girl right now.
I managed to get to a meeting Thursday and today and the topics came into worrying and not forcing solutions - divine intervention, maybe? lol
Hope everyone had a good Easter!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
while you are standing back this would be an EXCELLENT time to observe how much HIS mood or HIS funk controls and pervades everything else. he's a total King Baby. and you are the underling that has disappointed him, therefore you are banished to the far regions. he's the feudal lord and you owe him allegiance!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow. He is controlling your life through his moods. I second what Lexie said, are your children in counseling to deal with this? You may think they don't need it now, but believe me, ANYONE with an alcoholic parent or spouse should be in counseling. It has helped my children in ways I cannot explain. They have been in for a long time, and it's all worth it!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 114
"someones moods can only affect you if you let them affect you. do you carry on with living your day regardless of his mood or do you decide you must "match" him? im angry, you angry... "
My AH is a master of the silent treatment. Have you ever looked someone in the eye, asked then a question in a calm manner only to be ignored and no response given. Multiple, multiple times? I do not know a living person that could walk away without feeling rejected or confused. It can drive you batty. When you are dealing with a master manipulator or an angry/controlling man- there is no 'tool' that can be used to try and have a conversation.
My AH is a master of the silent treatment. Have you ever looked someone in the eye, asked then a question in a calm manner only to be ignored and no response given. Multiple, multiple times? I do not know a living person that could walk away without feeling rejected or confused. It can drive you batty. When you are dealing with a master manipulator or an angry/controlling man- there is no 'tool' that can be used to try and have a conversation.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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While I won't address everything that's been said, I will say that the name-calling has been an ongoing theme (i.e., it's not the first time it's been used as the end all, be all to shut down whatever has happened or was being discussed, etc. - sometimes even when there was no real argument in the first place and sometimes there was). It's a big thing between us, and he knows how I feel about it.
And no, I try (maybe not always as successfully as anyone would like) not to "match" moods. But as was mentioned, when someone stops usual communications - we have never left the home, etc. without a good-bye (and usually a quick kiss or hug unless we were in fact actively arguing). But to say good-bye to everyone in the room and then not your W given this is our norm, that's a point being made; ignoring questions and lack of any but the necessary conversation for days is a point being made. I will say I've done my best to "match" the good moods that seem to surface from time to time to open the door for this to pass along, even if that means not addressing the underlying communication problem until a later time, only for my own attempts at a conversation even minutes later to be shut down. That's not on me.
And to address the suggestion that I began this with my overreaction. I will only say (as I'm wondering who this may be given the join date) that the initial "argument", if you could even call it that, was not even a fight when it happened and lasted all of about 30 seconds - no blame, arguing, names, raised voices, etc. just my attempt to change my dd's mind about something. Looking back, I think I may have been dangled some bait (maybe he wasn't even aware himself) as I expressed the fact that I was frustrated before the "announcement" was made that she had made this decision with him, and I owned my overreaction out loud and calmly pretty early on. And now, I've entered JADE ....
Anywho - I'm getting back out of my own head and moving on with my day. He seems to be letting this go at least a bit, or maybe I'm just giving it less attention even in my head as our days get busier again, so we shall see what is revealed ....
And no, I try (maybe not always as successfully as anyone would like) not to "match" moods. But as was mentioned, when someone stops usual communications - we have never left the home, etc. without a good-bye (and usually a quick kiss or hug unless we were in fact actively arguing). But to say good-bye to everyone in the room and then not your W given this is our norm, that's a point being made; ignoring questions and lack of any but the necessary conversation for days is a point being made. I will say I've done my best to "match" the good moods that seem to surface from time to time to open the door for this to pass along, even if that means not addressing the underlying communication problem until a later time, only for my own attempts at a conversation even minutes later to be shut down. That's not on me.
And to address the suggestion that I began this with my overreaction. I will only say (as I'm wondering who this may be given the join date) that the initial "argument", if you could even call it that, was not even a fight when it happened and lasted all of about 30 seconds - no blame, arguing, names, raised voices, etc. just my attempt to change my dd's mind about something. Looking back, I think I may have been dangled some bait (maybe he wasn't even aware himself) as I expressed the fact that I was frustrated before the "announcement" was made that she had made this decision with him, and I owned my overreaction out loud and calmly pretty early on. And now, I've entered JADE ....
Anywho - I'm getting back out of my own head and moving on with my day. He seems to be letting this go at least a bit, or maybe I'm just giving it less attention even in my head as our days get busier again, so we shall see what is revealed ....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Whereismyunicorn.....the deliberate "silent treatment" is an act of hostility and aggression....yes, it is passive aggression, but it is aggression, nevertheless...
It is cruel, and mean, and it amounts to abuse....just like verbal abuse or physical abuse.....
It hurts and it leaves scars.
It is wrong and it is not your fault....
It is horrible to live, being tortured, like this....
there is no circumstance that makes it o.k. or justified....
It is cruel, and mean, and it amounts to abuse....just like verbal abuse or physical abuse.....
It hurts and it leaves scars.
It is wrong and it is not your fault....
It is horrible to live, being tortured, like this....
there is no circumstance that makes it o.k. or justified....
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