Boyfriend fell off the wagon. Need advice.
 

Hi, I'm pretty new to all of this. My boyfriend has fallen off the wagon for the second time since we started dating 5 months ago. The first time I spent a day and night with him at his request to make sure he didn't drink anymore, but when I went to work the next day, he went back out to buy more alcohol. This time he says that he decided "f*ck it" (his words) after he didn't get a job that he really wanted and really thought he was going to get. He hasn't been employed since the last time he got fired when he was drinking. He passed over multiple opportunities in the meantime and put all his eggs in one basket, going through this 3 month interview process, even though I advised him that was risky. Anyway, now he wants me to come over and do the same thing - babysit him and make sure he doesn't drink for another 24 hours. I need advice on how to handle this situation. I'm not sure it is a good idea to run to his rescue. Isn't that enabling and making him more codependent? I'm just scared, because the last time he only stopped drinking after ending up in the hospital with pancreatitis and gallbladder problems. The blessing was that they kept him until he detoxed, and he was okay for some months after that. I myself was laid off from a 10 year job this week, 2 days before he fell off the wagon. He was there for me that day and night while I cried and grieved (no drinking). And two days later he doesn't get a job and this happened. I need to deal with my own crisis right now and want to help him. I'm just not sure the best way to do so.

Hi, Kdd. Welcome.
Very sorry you are going through all this.
As you probably know already, you can't control someone else's behavior. Your SO may not drink while you are there, though it is unfair of him to place you in that "guardian of the gate" situation, but he likely will when you are not.
That is what has happened in past, anyway.
You can't be responsible for his sobriety. It just doesn't work that way.
Take care of yourself. Good luck with the work situation. Hope you find something else soon.

With all of those issues already showing and only 5 months into a relationship.
I think (most all) would recommend for you to pull back.

So far -- a happy loving life does not seem to be in the cards for you.

M-Bob

Thanks. I'm thinking I will need to end this relationship, but I don't know when/how. Do I wait until he has sobered up?

Hate to see you going through this. If you are going to end the relationship, just do it. Now would be a good time. Just say you are done. If you wait till he is sober, it will just be another excuse to get drunk. He is responsible for his own stuff. Let him figure it out.

Agree with totfit, Kdd. Sooner the better. Take care of yourself, and let him go his way.

I had a couple of nice girlfriends leave me because of my drinking.

They did the right thing.

Why stick around to witness the train wreck?

Being a passenger when known danger is ahead?

M-Bob

Yup, I'd just tell him you're done. If he wants a babysitter, he can go to detox where medical professionals will be happy to bring him safely down and refer him to resources if he's ready to be done with drinking. But it could be years/decades till he's at the point where he would actually follow through on that.

Be prepared for him to try to manipulate and guilt-trip you to get you to come back. Have a plan for yourself to resist any such efforts.

Alcoholics are master manipulators. It's what we do in active addiction. Be strong and do what you think is right.

you're dating, not married. you aren't going to find the "perfect" moment to not upset this overgrown 5 year old. his problems were there LONG before you showed up, and they'll be there long after you move on your way. dude has like ZERO to offer you.......except the role of Booze Police.

That could be a long wait.

It's okay to just tell the truth. You like him but don't want to get involved with someone who needs to focus on their recovery and get well.